Sunday, October 25, 2020

What's with these Rodgers Rate ads??

Seems to me that if Aaron Rodgers has his own personal State Farm agent who shadows him throughout his life, never leaving his side, watching his every move and answering any questions he might have about his insurance coverage- and is not paying one dime than anyone else who also owns all this property protected by State Farm insurance and does NOT have his very own personal State Farm agent standing by 24/7, well then he IS getting a Rodgers Rate.

Can anyone explain these stupid ads to me?  Why does State Farm assign a rotating cast of insurance agents to hang out with Aaron Rodgers?  Why would Aaron Rodgers want this?  And how could this NOT cost more than an insurance company that is just there at the other end of the phone if you actually need to file a claim or ask a question?  The implication here is that Rodgers expects his insurance company to provide a brown-nosing, grinning little bodyguard/toady as well as coverage.  I mean, what the hell?

Saturday, October 24, 2020

Meet the Dimings, before they are dead

Sorry to be so dark, but seriously- if these people don't get a hold of their obvious weight issues, they are going to die.  They need to get off that couch and stay off it, and maybe spend more time in the fresh fruits and veggies section of their local Walmart and less in the frozen food and bags of salty fatty crap sections.  

I mean, you've got this nice house in the suburbs plus that son to look after.  That ought to be motivation enough to stop slouching in front of the tv and get back on those bikes.

Thursday, October 22, 2020

Hyundai's stupid commercial featuring a stupid dog and it's even more stupid owners

1.  Why didn't you train your dog not to do stupid crap like this?  I'm sure your neighbors are just thrilled with the eyesore it creates all over your lawn.  This is "adorable" to exactly two people- you idiots.  Your neighbors are wishing you'd consider moving.  Or training your dog.

2.  Why are you talking to that dog like it can understand what you're saying?  That dog has a brain the size of a rotten apple and with the wattage of key ring light.  It knows that you make a sound sometimes that somehow refers to it and sometimes results in food appearing.  It doesn't know what "keys" are or why you are sending sound waves at it. 

3.  Why is your "answer" to this problem to simply leave your dog on the lawn?  You guys are morons.  Thank you for not living near me :>)

Monday, October 19, 2020

Walmart's "Helpful" Keep Moving Tips

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How to control your blood pressure:

1.  Get more exercise.  For example, you could mop that floor faster, so you can get back to stocking shelves.  You could step up your walking pace, perhaps by ambushing more customers and guiding them to the cheap junk on those freshly-stocked shelves.  

2.  Smile more.  Get that look off  your face that just screams "I want to die" as you ring up your customers.  When you greet customers, don't tell them with your expression that you had no idea how very small those Social Security payments actually would be and how you'd rather be anywhere else but at the front entrance of your local Walmart.

3.  Stop thinking about how much your blood pressure medication costs, because that's not your employer's problem.  You should be grateful he even Gave You A JobTM.  After all, Times are ToughTM.  And when you go to vote next month, remember that Raising the Minimum Wage Causes Unemployment to RiseTM.  

4.  No, scheduling you for regular, consistent hours would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  That's a myth.

5.  No, paying you a living wage would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  Again, myth. 

Sunday, October 18, 2020

And best of all: you don't have to worry about being seen in a Walmart!

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(But you'd better answer that doorbell quick, because every second that goes by with those Obvious Blue Bags sitting at your front door is just screaming to your neighbors that you buy your groceries from Walmart.)

If you get this excited at a delivery from Walmart, Social Distancing has really taken a damaging toll on your psyche.  And all you have to get all this unlimited free delivery of products which represent the death of small businesses in the United States is sign up for a membership.  Might as well- you were at your laptop anyway. 

And hey, you're giving a delivery guy a job, at least temporarily anyway.  Don't forget the 50lb bags of dog food and cases of soda.  He doesn't mind.  He's lucky to have a job, after all.  

Saturday, October 17, 2020

Dixie's hysterical "Make it Right" ad

So this guy has a date over for dinner.  He cooks the dinner, I guess to show off his skills in the kitchen.  This is a smart move.  It's the only smart move he makes in the entire commercial.  Everything else he does is completely, totally, budding-relationship-ending WRONG.

1.  He infantilizes his date by putting the food on the plate himself and carrying it in from the kitchen instead of just putting the ingredients on the table and letting her help herself.  She's an adult- she can't decide how much she wants?  He has to decide her portion size for her?  He really should not be doing this, ESPECIALLY since

2.  He puts a RIDICULOUS amount of food on that plate.  I mean, seriously.  He wants her to enjoy the food.  Maybe he wants to show her that he dismisses retrograde notions of "lady portions."  But does he want her to eat until she's uncomfortable.  Because, again- that's a LOT of food on that plate.

3.  He does some stupid little dance on the way in from the kitchen.  I don't know what that is, but....we don't want to see it, and I find it hard to believe that she does, either.  I know you're trying to make a big deal out of all of this, buddy, but...come on.  That's spaghetti and meatballs you're serving up.  Maybe it's your specialty, or maybe it's an old family recipe.  It's still just spaghetti and meatballs.

4.  This is the big one.  I can't believe I, a person who has a date roughly every Leap Year, has to point this out, have a woman over for dinner.  That's pretty intimate.  Nobody does this on a first date- this comes after several dates in public places.  This is getting serious.  But you've managed to reach this level in the relationship, and you....serve dinner on CHEAP PAPER PLATES???  

OH MY GOD MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  PAPER PLATES?  Why don't you just come out and TELL this woman "I like you, but not enough to wash a freaking dish for?"  You are in your OWN HOUSE, you aren't at a camp site or even on the freaking patio.  YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.  YOU ARE SERVING A FANCY DINNER to a woman who agreed to COME TO YOUR HOUSE.  YOU USE ACTUAL PLATES IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!

Seriously, is this guy related to that jackass in the Downy commercials who wears a ragged t-shirt to a first date?  I guess we should be grateful that guys like this are willing to reveal their unsuitability as life partners early on and are therefore less likely to successfully bequeath their DNA to another generation, but jeeeesh....this is just sad.  

And then he blames the cheap paper plates for ruining his date.  Um, no, buddy.  Sorry, but NO.  You use plates meant for kid's birthday parties and built to carry slices of cake or a hot dog to attempt the transportation of 2 pounds of hot spaghetti and meatballs?  That's on you.  And if you never see that nice woman again, it's your loss and very much her gain.  She can do much, much better. 

Friday, October 16, 2020

Congratulations, Apple

You managed to create a commercial that gives me a headache no matter how I experience it- if I turn the sound off and just watch= Headache.  If I just listen to it without watching= Headache.  Hell, I'm neither listening to it or watching it right now, and I'm getting a headache from the MEMORY of it. 

No wonder the Comments are turned off on this one.  Just another obnoxious BUY THIS THING ITS SLIGHTLY NEWER THAN THE ONE YOU JUST BOUGHT commercial by one of the most obnoxious companies on the planet (and, yet, maybe not even the most obnoxious company on the planet that starts with the letter "A."  How weird is that?)

Thursday, October 15, 2020

Clickbait Garbage that hit home for a few seconds....

The title of this nonsense slideshow clickbait BS is "if you own Any of these VHS Tapes, you can Retire!"  But with the very first "slide," you realize that this is simply inaccurate (an inaccurate clickbaity title?  HERESY!)  In fact, the first three examples of "valuable" VHS tapes are reportedly going for $20 each.  I can retire on $20?

I managed a video rental store in the late 1980s, and I recognize probably 90 percent of the titles listed here.  I personally sold dozens of copies of E.T. when it was released on VHS and remember setting up the display stand and taking pre-orders.  When the store closed down in late-1990 we sold our entire inventory and one customer purchased every single item in our Disney collection- probably fifty tapes- for $5 each.  Judging from the title of this nonsensical "news story," he would be in position to make himself a multimillionaire now, right?  

I only looked at the first ten items here, and adding up their value comes to about $3000.  I don't know how long this list is, but unless it extends into the hundreds, or includes one So Rare It Probably Doesn't Actually Exist tape, there's no way it all adds up to money you can "retire" on.  But because the article referenced something that pressed a nostalgia button, it got me to click and give it a partial going-over, so mission accomplished, I guess?

(BTW, I'm sure that if I go through my parents' storage area I can find several of these items- I know, for example, that I got a copy of E.T. for myself when it was released.  But I'll wait until I retire before putting it on the market- after all, it's sure to be worth a lot more than Night at the Movies-level money by then, right?  Like, Actual Retirement-level money?

Monday, October 12, 2020

How to sell $2 for $17.95

Just slap some cheap color "art" on to $2 bills and sell it to the same people who mount Trump flags to their pickups and stocked up on Trumpy Bears and love wearing their If This Shirt Offends You Learn Some History Confederate flag T-shirts and spending evenings looking at their Lock Her Up Commemorative Coins.  

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the gullibility of the American Public- Mark Twain, among others.   I'd add that plenty of the members of that gullible public are perfectly happy to go broke if they can Annoy the Libs along the way to the poor house.  You can bet that when they get there, they'll be leaning heavily on their Social Security, Affordable Health Care coverage, and all those other Socialist programs that continue to destroy America because the China Virus and the Post Office conspired to bring down the Bestest President Ever in November, 2020.

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Hey Wendy's, I'm distracted....

1.  No gloves being used in the handling of the food.

2.  The food is unwrapped as it sails down the bar, past g-d knows how many people.

3.  It passes at least ONE person because that phone it "dodges" isn't sitting there drinking by itself.

4.  It stops at a pack of (also uncovered) French Fries and a soda which I guess was sent flying down the bar ahead of time.  Not sure why that happened.

This would be a stupid commercial WITHOUT taking into account the Illness that Shall Not Be Named.  It's downright criminal these days. 

Saturday, October 10, 2020

Fidelity to your own Gain

I'm sorry, but if you need to jump on some "Fidelity Investments Dashboard" when you get up every morning, then your life has become one endless obsession with money and you really need to reassess your priorities.

I remember reading somewhere that the people who have the happiest lives and comfortable retirements are the ones who use an established brokerage firm to put away money every month, ignore the dips and rises of the market, and don't inquire into the balance until it's time to draw from it.  These people don't spend their lives obsessing over money, don't experience sleepless nights during selloffs....they just go about the business of Living.  They remember the reason why they hired a broker in the first place- so that they wouldn't have to do all this fretting and juggling. 

Oh, and what about all those people who did panic and sell this spring?  Well, they didn't do it because they had this Dashboard or an App on their Smartphones which sent them into a desperate frenzy.  The people who freaked out and sold were the people who are already retired and using those investments to supplement their laughably small Social Security checks, or the small investors who never had any faith in the market and got spooked by bad advice and gave people who DO use things like this Dashboard and investment Apps.   And who bought those stocks at a bargain?  I just answered that question, didn't I?

Thursday, October 8, 2020

No Evidence Google Knows What It's Doing

At the only blog I visit daily which is not my own, I am confronted- constantly- by a visually disgusting ad for a product I've used before but do not want to be reminded that I had to use and don't need color photographs reminding me of why I used it. 

Every. Single. Time.  

So I click on the "Feedback" tab and let Google know "I Am Not Interested in this Ad."  Google couldn't care less.  I keep getting versions of the same ad.  Still gross.  Still not interested. 

So I take another tack and click "Have seen this ad multiple times."  Google couldn't care less.  I've seen it multiple times?  Well, I guess I should get ready to see it even more times.  Does Google think that "Have seen this ad multiple times" is a thumbs-up from me?  Well, that would certainly explain a few things now, wouldn't it?  "This ad is on hundreds of times a day" translates to "people love our ad" in Google World, apparently.

To add insult to injury, Google always responds to my clicking with "Thank You.  Your Feedback Improves Google Ads."  Oh, does it?  After several weeks of this, there's no indication that Google gives a flying damn about my response.  Unless, again, it thinks that because I responded it means I liked the ad, and never mind that my responses would be seen as Negative by any human being.  And the fact that I've responded multiple times would scream STOP SHOWING ME THIS CRAP to any human being.

Google...seriously.  Stop this.  I've even started to click other advertisements at other sites hoping to convince Google to try to sell me something else, ANYTHING else.  I'd like to think that Google was just trying to harass me into complaining about their Amazing Ad Tools here.  Well, mission accomplished, Google.  Can we move on now, please? Please?

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Rocket Mortgage is Just Weird

Apparently, a group of geniuses at some ad agency was hired by Rocket Mortgage and told to come up with a commercial featuring a young family deciding that they needed a bigger house.  This group of geniuses put their heads together, racking their brains in an attempt to pick the very best reason why any family would want or need a bigger house.  Because they don't live in Reality and have zero experience with the Real World, this is what they came up with:

When do you realize you need a bigger house?  When one of your a magic marker to decorate his own face.  Yeah, that's it.  That's a good enough reason.  Let's pretend it makes sense, because we're useless, it's getting late, and if we don't get back to Rocket Mortgage within the next few days they are going to dump us and hire another ad agency.

So here we go.  This family has a small house- so small that 75% of them have to sit around a table in the same room together as they Still Don't Actually Interact.  It's ALREADY cramped, you see.  Then the fourth member of this group shows up with marker on his face.  And that's it- time for a bigger house, so, don't have to sit in the same room together?  Don't need to see this kid anymore?  Won't feel compelled to KILL OUR KIDS if one of them does something mildly annoying/completely innocent but has to be portrayed as annoying because we've got that deadline with Rocket Mortgage?

Anyway, you can just respond to whipping out your phone and applying for a Rocket Mortgage inside of thirty seconds.  Life-altering decision made....based on....this.  

I just....seriously, what the hell is going on, Rocket Mortgage?

Sunday, October 4, 2020


"Know how every time you eat or drink or socialize outside, you and all your guests are ridiculous slobs who just leave cups and forks and plates and bowl and cheez-its and napkins everywhere because nobody knows how to behave like a civilized human being and use a trash can anymore?  Well, now there's the Trivac Worx Vacuum Cleaner System to solve all your Completely Relatable Cleanup Problems!"

Here, let me just turn it on and show you how 







And it takes up very little space; just store it next to your snowblower and leafblower.  For an extra $19.99 we'll include military-grade noise-cancellation headsets.  Buy a pair for everyone in your family. As for the people who live on your street...well, that's just another problem this amazing product solves: Too-friendly neighbors.  Trust me- a couple of weekends of using this baby, and they'll never talk to you again.  

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Start your kids on their journey to morbid obesity and diabetes early!

I just....I just can't with this thing.  Maybe it's because I spent all day yesterday driving to Vermont for fall break and I'm really tired, maybe I'm sick of living under a proto-Fascist administration which is currently reminding me of Russia in the days after Stalin died or Spain in the final days of Franco.  Maybe being in a bad mood is just My Normal.

Or maybe I'm just done seeing commercials for products which make it quick and easy to produce fatty junk for the whole family.  French fries, stuffed hamburgers, and now this bizarre Marshmallows mixed with other non-foods Frankenstein's Monster Creator that's fun for everyone who lives in your house from Age 4 to 9 (I didn't get through the entire 2 minutes 15 seconds of this- do any adults show up to supervise,* or do they just exist to make sure that there's an adequate supply of marshmallows, chocolate chips, M&Ms, sprinkles, and every other nutrition-free product capable of being squished into a blob of sugary goo using this device?)

*this would actually be easier to take if we were told these are free-range children who simply don't have parents, because this product is exactly the kind of thing we could see unsupervised kids using but we'd be horrified to find as a regular go-to in a home with actual adult supervision.

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

Another quick look at that AT&T ad....

(After all, if AT&T is going to make me watch it fifty times an hour, I should be allowed to get more than one post out of it...)

Let's imagine that this commercial featured a black woman straining to push a giant 5G prop across the floor of the AT&T store.  She's interrupted in her work by a white man who isn't even IN the store, who then proceeds to bark questions and then suggestions at her from the other side of the glass. 

The black, female AT&T employee's response is not to politely remind the non-customer that he's yelling at her through both a mask and a window while she is only trying to do her job.  It's to stop doing that job so she can better listen to the white guy demand that she explain what exactly that prop is all about, and then proceed to lecture her on how she SHOULD be doing her job. 

That go over well with you?  Anybody?

Sunday, September 27, 2020

Dominos has our number

"Here at Domino's we figured out something during this pandemic:  Americans like to eat cheap, processed, fatty crap that ISN'T pizza or pasta.  We couldn't quite believe it, but statistics don't lie: It turns out that a whole lot of you are actually ordering Taco Bell and even McDonalds for delivery!"

"Needless to say, we were stunned.  We thought that Taco Bell and McDonalds were and always would be that spur of the moment crap you eat because you're in a massive hurry because you are working long hours plus it gives the illusion of being low-cost even though it really isn't at all when you factor in the negligible nutritional value, not to mention the addictive chemicals added in to keep you coming back in again and again and again.  It never occurred to us that people sitting at home would actually ORDER from those pig troughs!  Silly us, we apparently forgot that we live in a country where people line up for all-you-can eat cardboard pizza and cinnamon buns."

"So....better late than never, we're jumping on the bandwagon.  You want greasy taco-flavored garbage delivered to your door?  Here's a taco pizza!  You like cheap hamburger and processed 'cheese' on bread?  Here's a cheeseburger pizza!  Delivered right to your door, just like McDonalds and Taco Bell!"

"We apologize for misjudging you, America.  It won't happen again.  From now on, we'll be watching to see whatever horrific poisonous junk you're willing to pay to have delivered to your door despite the kitchen and stove being right there and despite the fact that you for sure own a refrigerator that is actually capable of keeping real food fresh until you are ready to spend a few minutes prepping it.  Our phone lines are open, our delivery cars a warmed up, and we're just waiting to be of service!"

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Don't Mind Me, I'll just be in this Snow Fort I built next to you....The InnovaGoods Travel "pillow"

Anyone who has spent any time in airports over the last twenty years has seen multiple display stands featuring travel pillows being offered for sale.  They are pretty much all the same, designed to wrap around your neck so your head doesn't shift while you sleep and wake you up.  The more expensive ones are filled with some kind of beads or seeds, while the cheapo versions need to be inflated with your own lung power before you attach it to your neck and try to get to sleep while being worried that it will lose air during your nap and you'll wake up with a crick in your neck and the guy in the next seat trying really hard not to snicker.  

I actually own a travel neck pillow thingee which is filled with beads or seeds; I've used it on long (11 hours on paper, 12+ in reality, all the time, because America) train trips.  It works ok, but it's obviously limited in it's utility as it will not prevent your body from shifting sideways as you sleep.  This is a big deal if you are one of those people who can fall asleep on a train, I guess.  I wouldn't know, because I'm not one of those people.

Anyway, here's a commercial for what I can best describe as a larger, more cumbersome version of the travel pillow.  It looks a lot like something I saw being advertised in one of those SkyMall magazines that sit in the pocket in front of your seat on American Airlines flights.  It goes a step further from providing stabilization for your neck and actually provides a mini-bed for your entire upper body to rest on.   You have to inflate it (which means you have to worry about it deflating, but let's be real- this thing isn't going to sell if it's filled with beads, weighs 15 lbs and counts as your carry-on) but once you do, you've got a little comfy personal space to lean into to take a nap or watch movies on your phone (without headphones, of course.)  Heck, if it isolates me from the person sitting next to me, maybe it's even worth it. 

But seriously- can you imagine using this if you aren't in the window seat?  Put it another way- how'd you like to be in the window seat and have the person in the aisle seat using this?  You're sitting there about to take off for a six-hour flight and the person sitting next to you, blocking your only exit to the restroom, is announcing "I'm going to be completely oblivious to you, probably asleep, in a few minutes- if you want to get up you'll have to interact with me physically, and btw this is also going to make it very difficult for you to get your drink or your meal because I'm basically creating a wall between you and the rest of the plane."  

You know what?  Just get one of those travel neck pillows at the gift shop and accept that you can't recreate your freaking bedroom for the flight.  You aren't the only person on the plane.  More to the point, you aren't the only person sitting in that row.  So unless you have the window seat, you don't get to use one of these stupid things, ok?

Friday, September 25, 2020

Remember Big City Sliders? Another As Seen on TV Commercial Gem

Original Commercial Here:

I don't want to spend any time ragging on the late Billy Mays here- not my place to knock another man's hustle, especially when that man has been dead for more than a decade now.  If you aren't that familiar with the guy, this is vintage Mays BTW- shouting his head off over an extremely underwhelming product  no one in their right mind would buy as if it's as essential to any kitchen as the sink.   The guy made a pretty decent living doing this, and as I said, it's not my place to knock it.  He found his niche.  Everybody has to.

Ok, on to the product.  Apparently, back in 2009 Americans just couldn't get enough of the mini-hamburgers you buy by the sack at White Castle and were struggling mightily to recreate that Tiny Hamburger taste at home.   This lead to frustration and awful greasy messes because it's the hardest thing win the world to make small hamburgers without specialized equipment.  So the wonderful Made for TV people decided to sell refigured muffin tins as slider molds and the rest wasn't even close to History.   

I wonder how many people actually bought these things- I admit that the hamburgers look pretty good, and I'm sure it was reassuring to learn that it was ok to stack several on top of each other and add CHEESE (wow!) and condiments (double wow!) just like they do at White Castle, don't worry it's not trademarked or anything.  And then you and your family can eat just as well as your average drunk college kid with the munchies at 2 AM on a Sunday morning.  

Sunday, September 20, 2020

I take on Rocket Mortgage's Weird Non-Sequitur

 Original Commercial here:

"When it comes to buying a house, THEY say 'Cash is king.'  But you're a queen, and that's just as powerful."

My brain just broke, and it's leaking all over the floor.  

Whoever "they" who are saying "cash is king" are, I'm pretty sure what they mean is that it's always preferable to pay cash for a purchase whenever necessary because that eliminates the issue of Interest.  In other words, it's the cheapest way to buy anything, be it a loaf of bread or a house.  When it comes to the latter, it means that you should save as much cash as you can so that you can borrow as little as possible.  Whatever you borrow is going to come with SOME interest payment.  

This isn't complicated, and it isn't Sexist because the phrase is "Cash is king," not "Cash is queen."  I mean, please.

"But you're a queen, and that's just as powerful..." I seriously have no idea what this means.  All that stuff I just said about paying cash is equally applicable regardless of the sex of the person making the purchase.  I mean, this is an ad for Rocket Mortgage, so it makes sense that it would sneer at the idea of paying cash.  But is it actually encouraging us to ignore the blatantly obvious truth in the term "cash is king" merely because some invisible "they" are insisting on it's accuracy?  Is Rocket Mortgage actually arguing that paying cash is NOT preferable to taking out a loan with Rocket Mortgage?  Is Rocket Mortgage offering zero percent interest on home loans?  Because if it isn't, well-- I'm sorry, but that old chestnut still applies here in Real Life.  If you can afford to pay cash, you immediately saving money by doing just that.   

BTW, Rocket Mortgage sure gets a lot out of it's "instant pre-approval" promise.  Pre-Approval is pretty much a meaningless joke in the loan industry- it just means that they ran your name and SS number and no massive red flags immediately jumped into their faces.  I'm guessing that more than 99 percent of people who contact Rocket Mortgage- or any other lender- gets a "Pre-Approval" in about three and a half minutes.  It means nothing, and is followed by an actual, detailed credit check which reveals that you are a good risk or a poor one, and whether you are going to get a low-interest loan, a high-interest loan, or no loan at all.  These ads make it look like you can just decide you want to buy a house and have the loan money in your account within seconds, which is just nonsense.  What you can do is get an instant "Pre-Approved" message on your phone that makes you feel like you are suddenly much more credit-worthy that even you thought you were.    Might even make you feel like a Queen- for a few days, anyway. 

Saturday, September 19, 2020

Campbell's sells the very last thing you'll go to in the bomb shelter.

 Original Commercial Here:

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Someday, maybe someone will explain to me how exactly the most god-awful mass-manufactured mushy bland soup which has hints of actual taste only because it's saturated in salt contributes anything to bringing us "together' during Social Distancing.   Is it a throwback to this spring, with its panic shopping, because Campbell's Canned Liquid Dull is something you could quickly buy by the case and shove into a corner of the closet somewhere, hoping you never have to resort to heating it up and consuming it but deriving some very, very small amount of comfort knowing it's there if even Amazon runs out of food it's willing to deliver to the door of your freaking bunker?

Wow, the warm feels.   I'm so motivated to eat the liquid equivalent of Wonder Bread right now.  

Thursday, September 17, 2020

A not-very responsible Snickers ad*

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Original Commercial Here:

Husband:  "I thought we were being good citizens and continuing to practice social distancing; I didn't think we were having people over in person."

Wife:  "No.  We're all done that.  Didn't you hear Trump on Fox the other night?  We are all done bowing to the Plandemic, which after all was sent here by China to defeat the President."

Husband:  "We aren't even wearing masks.  What the hell is going on here?"

Wife:  "You aren't listening.  Fake news.  Masks are for the Libs.  Now put some damn pants on, Libtard!"

*Seriously, what the hell?  

Sunday, September 13, 2020

And if you are Anthony Rizzo, you might even be able to afford one....

 Original commercial here:

This "first ever" something-or-other vanity car STARTS at $133,000.  So if you play a professional sport- and aren't making your league minimum- you might be able to buy one of these.  If you want to let people know you have the money to buy one of these.  

You still won't be able to go "zero to sixty in 2.5 awe-inspiring seconds" unless you rent a race track and are willing to risk your six-figure car testing out the honesty of the commercial that hooked you into buying this shiny ego grip.   And as near as I can tell, all the regular traffic laws apply so forget about driving 70 MPH through busy city streets just because you saw Anthony Rizzo or some other pro Orb Ball Participant doing it in an ad. 

I seriously wonder who these commercials are really aimed at.  Are there really a lot of people watching the Bucs-Saints game who have over a hundred thousand dollars burning a hole in their pockets who don't ALREADY own a BMW or Lexus or Audi, or are always on the market for another car even if they do?

Meanwhile, I'm trying to find someone to install a dashboard-mounted SiriusXM radio in my 2010 Honda Accord.  I live in a totally different world than these people.  But I knew that already. 

Saturday, September 12, 2020

It will go great with that VariDesk he doesn't really need either

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Original Commercial here:

Hey look everybody, it's the perfect chair for your boss (because let's be real, your company is NOT going to be spending a thousand dollars to make YOU, an employee who actually DOES sit all day in front of a computer, comfortable!)

You are invited to walk past your boss's office every once in a while to admire his X-chair (just don't you even THINK about sitting in it.)  Try not to get too irritated at the fact that he's rarely actually IN that chair- or that when he is, he's usually just on a personal call and not actually doing work.  And try not to think of your own aching back and how you have to sit in the same old computer desk chair you've been using for going on five years now.  You are not the boss!!

Thursday, September 10, 2020

I am really trying to understand this Nissan Sentra ad with Brie Larson

 Original Commercial Here:

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So this woman is told by her boss that she's not getting the promotion she thought she was due.  Apparently Brie Larson was told ahead of time that this was going to happen because at that moment, Captain Marvel herself shows up and orders The Unpromoted to jump into her Nissan Sentra for a lecture and a very fast tour of the city...

Brie Larson tells this woman that she should "not compromise" on....something or another.  Larson demonstrates her "no compromise" attitude by driving dangerously fast through busy, crowded city streets.  Seriously, she seems to think that speed limits and stop signs are for Your Mom's Generation (or maybe your grandmother's or, at this point, great-grandmother's.  Because, seriously, it's 2020.  

Larson spits bumper stickers at her passenger who by now has to wonder what any of this has to do with her failure to attain a promotion, if she is going to be complicit in the accidents Larson is certain to be in or cause with her insane driving, and if Larson is ever going to let her out of the car alive.  At the end of the ad Larson drops her off right where she left her, leaving us- and, I would think, this woman- wondering what the hell any of this was all about. 

I mean, think about it.  The tagline of this ad is "No Compromise."  But the woman wasn't asked by her boss to compromise.  She was told that she's not getting a promotion right now.  How does being kidnapped and terrorized by Captain Marvel get across the "No Compromise" message?  Someone please explain this to me.  I'm totally lost.

I guess I am glad that the comments section is turned off for this ad- considering the crap Brie Larson got for having the audacity to play a comic book character traditionally depicted as male from the gatekeeper geek incels on YouTube, I shudder to imagine how this ad plays with that crowd of pathetic, dateless creeps. 

Monday, September 7, 2020

My first-ever take on Seven-Eleven, prompted by actual experience

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Original Commercial here:

Yep, for almost twelve years of maintaining this blog and more than 1200 posts, I have managed to avoid commenting on 7-11 commercials.  Probably because I almost never see any.  I guess the owners of 7-11 figure that since they are on every other street corner in one region of the United States, they kind of advertise themselves.  

But this commercial is referring to 7-11's rewards system, which I use, so I feel I need to break my silence over This Region's Favorite Convenience Store and toss some snark its way.  7-11 offers an App for your Smartphone which, WHEN OPENED, allows you to earn points whenever you purchase something which can then be used basically as currency to buy pretty much any food item in the store.   It also keeps track of drink purchases, and every seventh Big Gulp is free.  I do a lot of walking and visit a lot of 7-11s especially when it's warm out, and I have accumulated a lot of free Big Gulps since this service was introduced a few years back.

Here's my issue:  When I approach a 7-11, I tap the App icon on my phone and am immediately sent to a page where my options are to look at an absolutely worthless graphic or SKIP.  So then I hit skip, and after several seconds am asked how I want to LOG ON to my ACCOUNT- do I want to LOG ON using my password, or with FACEBOOK?  Since I'm not super-adept at typing a password on to a tiny screen while standing in the bright sunlight OR a cramped store with other customers trying to buy things, I hit FACEBOOK and proceed to wait some more.  Finally- if I'm lucky- the scan code appears before I've just given up and paid for my drink or have paced up and down in front of the store for five minutes. 

Hey 7-11, I just gotta ask you- what is the purpose of the LOG IN/PASSWORD page?  Why can't I just tap the App Icon and be immediately brought to my account and scan bar?  Oh, I know what your answer is- "Security."  But seriously, what are you "securing" here with these annoying steps?  Are you actually concerned that I'm going to get my phone stolen by someone who figures out my PIN number and proceeds to use my precious reward points or maybe even (gasp) gain access to my Free 7th Cup?  Because, seriously, if I lose my phone the LAST thing I'm going to be worried about is someone emptying my 7-11 points wallet.  

Hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, but, please.  Just create a patch for this thing that immediately opens up the scan window as soon as we hit the App, please.  I'm more than ready to sign a disclaimer if that's what you want.  This is seriously something I'm willing to risk rather than go through the current hassle of hitting my phone four times to get to a freaking scan bar so I can get credit for my drink.  You guys are kind of weird, did you know that?

Saturday, September 5, 2020

More Beating up on, because they deserve it


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Original Commercial here:

One woman in this ad has accepted that when you take on the 100 percent voluntary responsibility of pet ownership, that means you've got to deal with bringing home heavy bags of food and/or litter as part of the bargain YOU AGREED TO.  The other two assure her that no, that kind of thinking belongs in the pre-Chewy Era, and now you can just push those responsibilities on to total strangers who will risk serious injury delivering that stuff to your door while you go about having fun-- like you used to, before you chained yourself to a pet.

In other words, nowadays when you decide to give away some of your freedom in the service of a dirty four-legged mammal, you can sentence some poor delivery guy to many years of carrying out the hardest part of the job of being a pet owner.  Just let him suffer the backache, you need to focus on having fun with that walnut-brained anvil you like dressing in sweaters for some reason and taking it to the P-A-R-K (because one of the alleged joys of pet ownership is cultivating the illusion that you've actually purchased a temporary child who obeys your commands and eats off the floor while you and Hubby enjoy dinner in peace.)

It's just too much to ask that any of these women being reminded that delivery guys did NOT sign up for this- they are in jobs with crappy pay and little or no health benefits because that's what they could get, and now they might as well be working in a cement factory because spoiled-rotten princesses like you want pets without the hassle.  A few years ago, someone living on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevator would have said "hell no" to owning a pet because hauling heavy crap up those steps was just not worth it.  Now it's a quick trip to and the delivery guy will be straining to get that stuff to your door- and if he dares leave it in the lobby, well, that's what security cameras and YouTube Shaming were invented for.   And that friendly relationship you had with your next-door neighbor on the third floor was overrated anyway. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2020

What Progressive, and a lot of other companies, simply don't get about the current situation

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Original Commercial Here:

Nobody wants to be reminded of pointless "just because we can" meetings in which there is clearly no direction or agenda set up by the person or persons who organized them.  By now pretty much everybody working at a job requiring an office or regular interaction with more than three people has already dealt with this.  Trying to get away from this phenomena by turning on the television and seeing a commercial featuring a "team leader" trying to invent reasons for why she's called together her "team" in a Zoom meeting hits a bit too close to home and reminds too many of us how undervalued our downtime is. 

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Probably my favorite As Seen on TV piece of nothing- the "HD Antenna"

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Original Commercial Here:

Tired of massive cable bills?  The average American spends more than two million dollars a year just for access to television signals!  And what if you HAVE cable and you want to set up a second TV in another room?  Well, you COULD spend $10-$15 million on a contractor to rip down a wall, set up a cell tower, or have the Evil Cable Company come and install a new box- and then you're right back to THROWING YOUR MONEY AWAY just for the pleasure of watching Your Favorite ChannelsTM.

Instead, for just $10 plus Shipping and Handling, we can send you a flat piece of metal and plastic which is basically just a fancy-looking coat hanger to plug into the back of your tv.  That's it!  You pay for it ONCE, and you're DONE- doesn't that sound better than two million dollars a year for cable?  Just plug on this coat hanger---err, HD TV Antenna, and you'll get ALL your favorite channels (assuming that your favorite channels are the local ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX affiliates, Retro,  Grit,  JumpTV and any number of networks featuring nothing but Spanish-language soap operas.)  All in GLORIOUS HD (assuming you actually own an HDTV, of course.)

Now you can watch the Big Game on TV.  You can also watch the pre-game show before the Big Game.  You can watch the stuff on before the pre-game show that has nothing to do with the Big Game.  You can just watch tv whenever you want is what we're saying. 

Just check out this awesome commercial chock-full of photo-shopped images of people magically getting crystal-clear HD pictures on their TVs.  Wouldn't you want to be one of them?  Order Today- or save even more money by attaching a coat hanger, key ring, or pretty much anything else metal to the back of your tv.  But don't do that.  Just send me your money and I'll send you a piece of pointless junk that comes with a bucketful of nonsense claims, ok?  

Saturday, August 29, 2020

Lilly, AT&T and pretty much the opposite of complicated

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Original Commercial Here:

Lilly's job now includes hauling obscenely huge promotional materials around a random AT&T store and yelling "information" at random idiots who don't seem to get that as long as they are wearing a mask anyway they might as well just come into the damn store like a sane person (unless the store is not open yet, in which case- just wait till the damn store opens, you entitled jackass!)

Lilly yells at this guy that yes, that enormous 5G prop means that AT&T is offering service, well, 5G.  That's super-impressive to the guy even BEFORE he confirms that this means a faster connection.  Hey, I guess the huge props do work even before people know what they refer to.  Back in my Video Rental Store days, I'd spend hours sometimes putting together three-dimensional props advertising new releases (I vividly remember how complicated the An American Tail prop was, and how the Throw Momma From the Train prop allowed passer-bys to hear Owen's mom bleat "Owen loves his momma" by pushing a button.  We were so happy when it was time to take THAT one down...)  Thing is, those props actually told people what was on sale.  This just says 5G which, the commercial admits, actually tells the customer absolutely NOTHING.  

No, this isn't "complicated."  It's just a service upgrade which is all the rage at the moment (including among the crowd that thinks 5G is responsible for COVID, Autism and BLM) but will be snickered at as ancient tech next year.  But as of late August 2020 this all looks pretty great and you should probably just walk in and sign up because after all you've got a mask on and if Lilly's anything like me she's only talking to you because the store is open (when I worked in Video Rental, I was 100 percent deaf until it was time to open the door, sorry.)

Friday, August 28, 2020

Another TDAmeritrade "pay us to kiss your butt" commercial

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Original commercial here:

Apparently this guy booked a meeting with his financial advisor because he's confused about why he needs a financial advisor, considering that he's decided that he never wants to retire.

Either that, or he just wanted an audience for the I've Had an Amazing Life I'm Basically Horatio Alger story that nobody who isn't paid to hear it wants to sit through again.

This "meeting" is over in about three minutes, except that it's in this financial advisor's best interest to politely listen to his client explain why he doesn't really need to set aside money for retirement as he has no intention of ever retiring while simultaneously convincing him to keep shoveling money into that fund Because Reasons. 

Thursday, August 27, 2020's bizarre "Am I Cute" ad

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Original commercial here:

1.  "Am I cute?"^  Right up to the moment you opened your mouth, maybe.  Then "cute" went out the window, replaced by "cloying," "insufferable," "cliche'd," etc.  Hey, Mom of this child?  Congratulations on getting your kid into the world of Kid Actors.  Now please get her out and allow her to have a life.

2. "I mean, look at these dimples." I would, if there were any.  The person who told you to say that doesn't know what dimples are- apparently, he thinks it means "child cheeks"- or figures the audience doesn't know what dimples are.

3.  "Look at mom and dad over there, cleaning on a Saturday instead of playing with me."  You mean, cleaning that big suburban home they chose to purchase.  A home that 99 percent of the population of the planet would die for.  Oh, and "Saturday," as in "Weekend?"  A totally bizarre concept for billions of people who labor seven days a week for food and shelter.  Your parents are keeping their Western Palace clean.  #firstworldprobs.

4.  The "solution" to this kid's "problem (which is that her parents are not paying enough attention to her on a Saturday)?  Hire someone who DOESN'T live in a suburban McMansion or make six figures to clean their palace so the owners don't have to.  Someone who very likely has children of her own who will wonder why THEIR parent isn't around to play with them on Saturdays.  Those kids don't count, of course, because they aren't as white as this kid, plus they probably don't even have dimples. 

*for a moment, I thought this might be an ad for a kid seeking child care and was thoroughly creeped out.  Seriously, kids, do NOT advertise for babysitting services by asking prospective employees to comment on your "cuteness."  And anyway, what is this kid saying- her parents should be free to play with her because she's CUTE?  Does she feel rejected because she isn't good-looking enough to play with?  So much unsettling weird here.

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Dennis Haysbert and Allstate, Happily Ever After?

Original Commercial here:

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Dennis Haysbert is an actual actor who has appeared in more than fifty theater-released films and at least as many television programs over the course of a forty-year career.  He's done theater work and runs his own production company.  But when he walks into a hamburger place he's "that guy" who says "that thing" in idiotic insurance commercials.  Might as well be a CGI goose or lizard.

I'm reminded of Michael Caine's reply to the question "did you ever actually see 'Jaws 3-D?'"  Caine famously shot back "no, but I've seen the house it bought.  It's great."  

Hope the money makes it all worthwhile, Mr. Haysbert. 

Saturday, August 22, 2020

More Not Available in Stores Fun: Lava Lunch

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Original Commercial Here:

1.  The woman packing the lunches looks completely dead inside even AFTER she's using Lava Lunch Microwavable Heat Packs.  Clearly microwaving hot chemicals and then using them to keep someone else's lunch hot isn't making her life worth living.  More likely Lava Lunch Chemical Bricks make her life all that much worse, because now instead of a cold sandwich and a bag of chips or veggies, those kids and hubby are going to expect a freaking full meal in that lunchbox every. Single. Day.   Or, at least, until whatever chemicals are retaining heat for "up to five hours" that are contained in these Direct from China portable toxic waste packets leach into that food you prepared and she finds herself starting a new life on her own.

2.  Are microwaves just not a thing anymore?  Ok, I guess maybe if you're a construction worker on the 15th floor of a building skeleton, or a police officer, it might be nice to be able to keep food hot for five hours....but don't most people have access to microwave ovens at their place of work? 

3.  Seriously, is it really so hard to just eat a light lunch consisting of a sandwich, a few pieces of chopped vegetables, a cup of yogurt, maybe some fruit?  I wouldn't want to eat a hot meal in the middle of the day; I think I'd pass out by mid-afternoon.  I mean, what the heck?

Friday, August 21, 2020

Prevagen: everything that is wrong about advertising in the United States


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Original Commercial here:

At no time in this commercial will you hear three things you ALWAYS here in ads for actual, FDA-approved medication:

1.  How it's supposed to work

2.  Possible side effects

3.  Encouragement to Ask your Doctor about the product.

The reason why you won't hear any of those things is because Prevagen is not medication.  It's a dietary supplement.  Therefore,

1.  There's no science behind why it may or may not work

2.  There are no side effects, because there are no effects at all

3.  Your doctor is a paid huckster for Big Pharma, so no point in asking HIM about it.  He'll just call it Woo or Snake Oil like all closed-minded sheep do.

Instead, you get to spend a minute and a half listening to two nice old people chat about how they met, what they like to do, and how they seem to be getting benefits from this stuff that's sold not in the medicine but in the nutrition aisle of their local Giant Food Store.  There are no false claims here- just thought you'd like to hear about how two nice old people take these pills and think they work to improve memory.  That this stuff is sold in a bottle which SURE LOOKS LIKE PHARMACY-ISSUED MEDICATION is purely incidental.  That these nice old people are talking about memory improvement while also mentioning Prevagen is ALSO purely incidental.  No actual claims, no science, no problem. 

This is why there was a GNC in every mall back when there were malls- because it's just way too easy to sell junk in bottles as long as it's labeled Supplement and includes a little disclaimer about the FDA not backing up any of the claims of the seller.  This isn't harmless when you consider how many people avoid actual medical advice because they think they can just fix problems like failing memory with something sitting on the shelf next to the Green Tea Fat Burners and Copper bracelets.  But it's perfectly legal because Hey USA and Hey Capitalism. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Taco Bell celebrates being a big part of the problem

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Original Commercial here:

I've been forced to endure this commercial more times than I care to count.  I don't get it, and I don't care that I don't get it.

Taco Bell is selling "double-stuffed" tacos for $1 each because Americans can not get enough of deceptively expensive non-food crap designed to taste and feel good in your mouth and leave you hungry again within a few hours.  These things are 310 to 350 calories each and would consist of a full day's requirement of fat and salt if we actually had "daily requirements" of fat and salt we had to make sure we got and didn't consume accidentally just by eating actual Food.  And at $1 each you know NOBODY is going to buy just one.  

Know why Segways failed to catch on?  You have to stand up while using them.  Meanwhile those motorized scooters are still being manufactured and sold because Americans believe being "body positive" means eating your way into a disability, one Stuffed Taco at a time. 

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Community Tax Relief for people who don't want to pay for that Community

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Original Commercial here:

"Do you owe over $10,000 in taxes to the IRS or State?"  No, I don't owe one penny to the IRS or State.  But what I owed $1000, or $9999?  Am I out of luck as far as you are concerned?  Would you advise me to keep being a scofflaw until I hit that magic $10,000 mark?  What if I didn't owe $10,000 in taxes but I DID owe $10,000 in credit card debt?  Would you connect me to another 'service?'  What is it about that $10,000 figure, anyway? 

"Have you been threatened with levies or garnishments?"  If I were a typical customer of your 'service,' I would not even know what those words meant, but they would sound really scary, something Hillary Clinton came up with when she wasn't hiding her emails.

"The IRS has the power to seize your assets, freeze your bank account, and even take your paycheck!"  Let me try to explain this to you, and not for the first time.  When you don't pay your debts, your assets are not "your" assets.  When you owe someone- anyone-money, every penny you spend instead of paying back that debt is money stolen from your creditor.  So everything you buy with that money represents an act of theft.  If you don't pay your taxes, but buy a house instead, that house was purchased with stolen money.  This really isn't all that complicated.  If the IRS has the right to take that house you purchased with money you were supposed to pay in taxes, it's because that house represents the money YOU OWED THE IRS.   The IRS would rather have the money, but it can't get that money because YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH IT.  

Again.  This is NOT complicated.

The rest of this awfulness is just a pitch for one particular Pay Us to Save you from your Responsibilities as a Citizen company, so I'm going to end my comments with a positive note:  at least this one doesn't show us a middle-aged, fat white guy sitting next to an SUV parked in front of a suburban McMansion and swimming pool laughing with relief into a phone as he's being told that he won't have to adjust his Lifestyle because he's a hard-working American who just didn't pay his taxes.  

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Oh Snap! Cheez-Its ad gets a big thumbs-up for honesty

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Original Commercial here:

I'm amazed at how realistic this ad probably is.  I wouldn't be surprised if something like this has actually happened in a lab somewhere.

For decades, snack companies like Nabisco, Hostess, etc. have actually employed scientists to assist in the manufacture of garbage "food" with exactly the right levels of salt, sugar and fat to trigger just the right brain chemistry and achieve what I've heard referred to as a "bliss point," or a momentary brain state very similar to that achieved while consuming heroin.  They've invested millions on finding just the right textures and even SOUNDS that will appeal to the most human mouths and ears.  And they've practically perfected the art of engineering flavors that last JUST long enough to make the consumer reach for another- and another- and another- to keep that taste going rather than suffer an emotional letdown.  Never mind finding a cure for Covid or Cancer- food addiction is where the REAL money is. 

None of this was a particularly well-guarded secret before the internet- The New York Times and The New Yorker published rather large essays regarding the engineering of addictive foods as far back as the 1970s.  But I had never seen a snack food company actually celebrate the ability to rewire their customers' brain chemistry to the point where people could go insane for their product.  It's especially strange that this comes out while America is falling deeper into a national health crisis (no, not Covid.  Obesity.)  Not just honest.  In Your Face, What Are You Going To Do About It?  honest. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2020 is, apparently, a real thing

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Original Commercial Here:

"I'm looking for someone to step out of a Country Music Album Cover/CMT Video/Hallmark Channel Movie and join me in a life of hard work in a dying industry we have almost zero chance of actually sustaining beyond this decade.  In other words, I'm looking for a person as trapped in a romanticized, pickup-truck drivin', pigs-sloppin', stump-pullin', bonfire-sittin'-around fantasy as I am.

So pull on your Daisy Dukes and leather boots, get out your iPhone, and let's connect by the bonfire 'cause that's what farmers who want to meet other farmers do when they aren't begging for government subsidies to keep the Family Farm in the Family despite the fact that we stopped even trying to compete with Agribusiness back when Grampa ran this place in the 70s...I guess.

And while we're sittin' by the bonfire strummin' our guitars, we can think about how maybe after I go back to school and get that degree in engineerin' and you get your teacher's degree, maybe we can hold on to that Family Farm and have dogs and maybe a few chickens to wander around and allow us to keep up the facade at least for a little while longer.  I'm for sure keepin' my pickup and pullin' a stump now and then, 'cause Grampa would've wanted it that way."

Saturday, August 8, 2020

I'm going to keep beating up on!

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Original commercial here:

1.  "Check:"  Yes, will look over your credit report.  This is a service they provide once you've hired them.  Heck, they might even do this part for free.  After all, it certainly doesn't cost them anything and you have to give them valuable information to let them do it, so why not?

2.  "Challenge."  This is something else you can do, though for 99.99% of this company's targeted suckers--errr, customers- its' going to turn out to be a pretty pointless exercise.  

"It says here you made 6 late payments on your utility bill.  Is that true?"  Um, yes.

"It says here you took out a Title Loan in 2013 and lost your car, is that true?"  Um, yes.

"It says here that every stick of furniture in your house has a Rent-A-Center label on it, is that true?"  What are  you trying to say?  Just come out with it!

3.  "Change."  Ah, here's the part that actually requires work, and the step that makes companies like seem so appealing.  Steps 1 and 2 take a few moments.  Step 3 in most cases takes many years and something the customers lack even more than money- PATIENCE.  

You see, the thing is, if the damaging items on your credit report are legitimate, there's NOTHING you or ANYBODY ELSE can do to remove them.  They are there to warm potential creditors that you are not a good risk (or, put more delicately, not the optimal customer for creditors to be dealing with.)  If legitimate, those damaging items are information that creditors have a right to because it protects them from bad risks.  It's really as simple as that.

Here's how you IMPROVE your credit score:  pay all your bills on time, every time, for years.  Only borrow when you MUST, and pay back that money as quickly as possible.  Build credit, then use it sparingly.  Complaining that your credit reputation is hurting your ability to borrow money is kind of pointless.   Giving someone money to quickly "fix" something that can only be repaired by YOU over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME isn't pointless, it's STUPID and COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.   You NEED that money you want to turn over to companies like this know...REPAIR YOUR CREDIT.

Thursday, August 6, 2020 all it takes is a phone call?

Original commercial here:

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"I bought lots of stuff, figuring that I'd always be able to pay my bills, then my hours got cut back and I couldn't pay for the stuff I bought or pay back the money I borrowed on time, as promised."

"This only became a problem when I decided I wanted to buy a house, and found that my credit score is really low because I borrowed money to buy stuff and didn't pay it back on the schedule I was supposed to.  It was so unfair- I broke contracts and suddenly I had this reputation as someone who breaks contracts, and couldn't find someone to give me another contract."

"So I called and had what I'll just call 'a good conversation' with the total stranger on the other end of the phone who wanted to sell me a service so was really nice.  And then the bad items on my credit score began to disappear.  That's all I'm going to say- I'm not going to mention how they got rid of Legitimate dings on my credit score, or how much I paid to get rid of them.  Just that I had a 'good conversation,' implying that just felt sorry for me and fixed it for free or something."

"Anyway, thanks to, I'm closer now to getting someone else to lend me money at a decent interest rate, even though that car industry I worked for and blamed for all my problems hasn't come back or anything and I'm actually no more a good credit risk than I was back then."

Monday, August 3, 2020

Freshly solves another #firstworldproblem

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Original Commercial Here:

1.  In the real world, regular shipments of "chef-prepared" meals doesn't mean "we don't have to cook anymore" unless you are already in the one percent and probably had someone cooking all your meals already.  More like "we can fire Rosa, we don't have to pay her to cook for us anymore!"

2.  This lobotomized twit takes so long to read a few words on the back of her box of 21st Century TV Dinners for Rich People I find it hard to believe she ever managed anything beyond boiling water in the first place.  

3.  Setting aside No. 1 for a moment, who is the "we" who doesn't have to cook anymore because they can afford to buy pre-packaged, pre-cooked "chef-prepared" meals?  And why did two people who both loathe the idea of cooking get together in the first place?  Oh, right- because they knew they could use their money to avoid that horrible chore they both equally dread....

4.  Let's be honest.  What Freshly really means is "guys, you don't have to include 'must be able to cook' in your Trophy Wife Ad anymore."  Now you can cut to the chase- "must be young, hot, and fertile.  No cooking skills necessary."

Of course, to the person who answers that ad it also means "keep working that Peloton bike, keep using that face cream, and keep up with the kids, because your skills in the kitchen have just been devalued. In other words, you are more replaceable than ever."

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Febreze Presents: the Vacant Contentment of the Suburban Housewife

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Original Commercial here:

Everything that once made this woman an individual human being with hopes, dreams, ambitions, personality, etc. died so long ago that nobody can remember what she was like back then, no matter how many times they look at home videos or scroll through the High School Yearbook.  

What is left behind is this vacant, standard-issue-pretty zombie taking in her surroundings in her standard-issue suburban home,  which include her stand-issue-pretty children, furniture, and Pet.  She's got a cell phone in her hand because she's an American, but she's not using it because she has nobody to call or otherwise be in contact with.  Completely deprived of stimulation, she's settled into a near-comatose state that she'll come out of just in time to get dinner ready for the Lord of the Manor.  

She doesn't notice odors for the same reason she doesn't notice much of anything else- because her senses have gone the way of everything else that once made her a Person, replaced by this soulless vessel for Making Children and Maintaining a House and being Mrs Somebody Else.  Not that her standard-issue Equally Vacant children are much better, sitting on rug doing standard-issue children things that don't bother lobotomized mommy as she just sit there with her contented I'm a Successful American Woman Because I Got Rid of my Last Name and Everything Else that Made me Me When I Was Younger look on her face.

Oh, and why worry about going "noseblind?"  Because occasionally, she'll be visited by other Stepford Wives who still have at least one functioning sense left in their empty heads, and she wouldn't want to be judged for anything beyond the size of the house and the SUV parked in the driveway. 

Thursday, July 30, 2020 choose wisely....

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...because this has got #choosepoorlyandyouvepickedyourhusbandsnexttrophywife written all over it. 

If I were any of these wives, I certainly wouldn't be asking my husband for his help in choosing the next "babysitter" to come into the home.  I've seen enough Lifetime Channel movies this summer to know that that would be a BAD idea, unless you're ready and able to veto anyone HE likes.  

(BTW, very sorry about the lack of instant video and the appearance of the embed code instead; I hope it's just a temporary connectivity issue while I'm here in Vermont.  I can't think of any other explanation, but I'll look into it if the problem continues when I'm back in Maryland, the land of Regular, 21st century internet.  In the meantime, just cut and paste, you lazy twats!)

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Kelly Clarkson, Wayfair, and the last gasps of the Easily Triggered

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1.  How does the sudden appearance of Kelly Clarkson cause a very hot dish to suddenly not be very hot anymore?  I mean, one second this guy is frantically looking for a place to lay something he just took out of the oven, and the next he's just standing there wondering why Kelly Clarkson is standing in his kitchen bleating a pitch for Wayfair, everyone's favorite source of crap furniture not named IKEA.

2.  What does Kelly Clarkson have to do with ordering crap furniture, anyway?  Wikipedia tells me that this woman has a net worth of $45 million.  She doesn't need to do this.  But then again, Shaq doesn't have to pitch garbage car insurance and Alex Trebek doesn't need to pitch garbage health insurance and Tom Selleck doesn't have to push Reverse Mortgages.  Money is money and there's never too much, I guess?

3.  Does Wayfair also sell the space you need for crap furniture?  Because this thing doesn't solve any "where do I put this" problems I have when taking something hot out of the oven.  I have to leave my kitchen in order to change my mind.  Oh right, I forgot- Wayfair is for people who live in typically large TV houses.  Who also have zero taste in furniture.  I'm only in the second category.

4.  Two guesses why this ad irritates some people.  Hint: It's not because Kelly Clarkson randomly shows up in the kitchen.  

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Xfinity's answer to people who forgot to care

<iframe width="400" height="360" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> could, you know, just raise your kids to NOT be addicted to their electronics. 

Oh, but that's too hard.  Never mind.  Here's an App that allows you to see at a glance that the WiFi in your home is being used.  So you never have to assume that rules that were put in place- and modeled by the adults- are actually being adhered to.  Instead, you can just skip all that parenting crap and just spy on your kids, assuming that without direction they'll just do whatever they want, whenever they want (after all, getting them out of your hair was the original point of getting them addicted to their devices before the started first grade anyway, right?

Saturday, July 25, 2020

The most depressing thing about this Geico Commercial...

...isn't all the stuff about Neighborhood Associations.  Yes, they can be this tyrannical, allegedly in the name of keeping home values up but more often to feed the little Fascist that exists buried inside all of us, waiting for an opportunity to spring out. 

Nor is it the idea that I'm supposed to feel sorry for this couple who just want to enjoy their vast Suburban McMansion.  Everyone in TV commercials lives in a house like this, or an almost equally massive luxury apartment- doesn't matter if the inhabitants are dog walkers, kindergarten teachers or hedge fund managers, they can all afford sprawling housing units that look like they have bedrooms the residents haven't discovered yet.

No, the most depressing thing about this Geico Commercial comes at the very end, when the stars of this dumb nugget of an ad let us know how we can see "more stories" featuring actors placed in contrived situations which have nothing to do with Geico but are supposed to amuse and entertain Because You Are Very Dumb.  It's depressing because you know there are people who will actually want more servings of this rotten decaying carcass of a concept because What The Heck It's Like Watching TV.  Never mind that these people were more particular in their choice of entertainment when they were babies fascinated with car keys and anything else they could shove into their mouths.

Friday, July 24, 2020

More hate for!

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Made the decision to have a pet?  Well, why not just farm out the most annoying part of the responsibility that comes with that decision to some anonymous guy who delivers parcels for a living?

Bags of pet food, litter etc. are HEAVY.  So....don't deal with them! Let some total stranger be the victim of your overbearing sense of privilege instead.  Just go to, order those 50-lb bags of kibble and 100-lb sacks of litter to be delivered to your Suburban McMansion, or your apartment on the fifth floor of a building without an elevator (and if the FedEx guy leaves it with the lobby manager, go online and throw a hissy fit about the Poor Quality of Service until you get an official Apology from the shipping company, KAREN.)  Having a pet- a 100 percent voluntary activity, btw- should not mean extra work for you!  It should mean extra work for total strangers with jobs that don't offer health insurance!

And if you're ever bothered by a twinge of conscience while pointing and clicking at pet supplies which have convenience built into their price (not that you care about price,) here's some tried and true bumper sticker logic to soothe your troubled soul.  Take your pick:

"It's their job."

"They are lucky to have jobs in these trying times."

"If they don't like it, they can always get another job."

"They are all young and strong, I have a bad back."

"I'm a hard-working professional I don't have time to shop for pet supplies" (so if didn't exist you'd....give up having pets? Doubtful.)

Personally, I think UPS, FedEx, Amazon, and the USPS should have strict weight limits on the packages they are willing to bring to the doorstep; all packages above that weight should have to be picked up at a central depot or should carry much larger fees in order to accommodate a second delivery person to assist in the transfer from factory to door.  This won't happen because Capitalism and Profit are King and delivery personnel are easily-replaceable assets, especially when you don't provide health insurance to deal with the injuries caused by the regular handling of heavy, bulky packages.  So keep it up, Pet Owners of America; you are truly in the vanguard of an Entitlement Craze that will someday make it possible to have Cinder Block Leggos and pre-filled swimming pools brought to our homes Because Hey the Customer.  All contact-free, of course; not because COVID will still be around, but because no customer will dare to risk making eye contact with the FedEx guy as he lugs whatever item you Simply Couldn't pick up at the Walmart three blocks away to your door. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Eargo's Awful Hearing Aid ad that yes, is for a Hearing Aid

1.  The young man in this ad is the one who needs a hearing aid, I guess:  his stupid Significant Other is standing right next to him but he can't hear what she's whispering, but her dad- sitting ten feet away, can.  Because Eargo Hearing Aids turn you into the Bionic Man, or as I suggested before, this young man has very bad hearing.

2.  Stupid Significant Other is Very, Very Stupid.  She decides that THIS is the moment to ask- and insist upon an answer- her "hey I just realized we wouldn't be getting a hotel room tonight, this house is really small, and we'll be having sex later" question.   She won't move one step closer to her Young Gentleman when she realizes he can't hear her, either.  She'll just stand there with her mother close by, her father right there, repeating a question she can't possibly need the answer to Right This Very Moment in service of the gag.

3.  The real punchline is that the young man in this ad can do much better.  There's nothing special about this girl, unless he's really attracted to morons who have difficulty understanding their surroundings.  She could have asked her question concerning Protection in the car on the way to Mom and Dad's house.  She could ask him to step outside (not into another room, since its clear that this house is TINY and that the walls are made of tissue paper.)  But no- she needs to know RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW- again, because the gag requires it.  I'm not excusing her behavior, though- he can do better.

4.  Why do you want a hearing aid that allows you to hear people whispering to each other?  I thought that the best hearing aids allowed you to focus on what was being said to YOU and eliminated sounds (like other conversations) that could overwhelm those particular words?  If Eargo allowed Dad to hear a whispered conversation ten feet away, it also allowed him to hear every car driving by, every clink of every cup and plate, and a myriad of other sounds that would have left that whispered conversation just another ingredient in the wall of noise constantly assaulting his eardrums.  Eargo is making the claim made by those MAGIC SUPER EAR devices you found next to X RAY SPECS and Sea Monkeys at the back of the comic book.  Not very practical.

5.  The YouTube comments that follow this ad....oh my god, you people.  You people are the worst. 

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Casper- the Audi of Mattress Entitlement

Ok, I've seriously never cared about anything less than the fact that this band of entitled suburban twats have new mattresses which will make their already-perfect lives even more perfect.  The fact that Patriarch of this tribe of overcompensated bottom-feeders pronounces that "the King has Arrived!" in a voice loud enough to be heard by his fellow Housing Association zombies just makes him easier to hate. 

I'd like to know who that girl wearing the red warmup suit and holding a cell phone is in the next unboxing scene-- she doesn't look a thing like the guy doing the unboxing OR the woman implied to be his wife.  The live-in nanny and future Trophy Wife, I'm guessing.  And now I'm just creeped out and sad.

That we are introduced to his offspring (who looks to be about five years older than her future Weekend Mommy) who also behaves as if she is getting a good night's sleep for the first time ever because while buying up every material possession imaginable ChildMommy and Daddy forgot to arrange Proper Bedding doesn't make me any more sympathetic or appreciative of the Relief that has finally come to them in the form of several thousand dollars worth of Casper Mattresses (the kings-sized Wave Mattress celebrated in the opening scene retails for $1495 on the official site.  That's just for the mattress.)

So I'm just left wondering why I spent so much time on a hot, sunny summer day analyzing a commercial for a product I can't afford being demonstrated by people I really wish would just die.  Oh, right- because the flies are really biting today.  That's it.

Saturday, July 18, 2020

These Awful Charmin Bears can please Just Go Away Now

1.  Is the father bear in this ad listening to the narrator, or watching tv with his family?  In other words, is the father bear aware that he and his family are the subjects of a commercial, because that would be the only explanation I could think of for his sudden decision to hug his atrociously blue-for-some-reason family at just the right moment in the narration.

2.  What's the point of this ad, anyway?  A few months ago, Charmin wanted to assure everyone that the company wasn't intentionally keeping toilet paper off the market to create an artificial panic?  Did anyone think this was happening?  (Oh, who am I kidding.  This is the United States.  A significant population of citizens totally believed that COVID was a scam created by Marxists, Queen Elizabeth, Hillary Clinton, and Big Toilet Paper* to sink the American Economy and get Bernie Sanders into the White House.)

*and the people who make "vaccines" (autism delivery systems.)  And some company that found itself with 25 million face masks and no market for them.  They were all in on it.  Just keep peeling that onion, Sheeple!

Friday, July 17, 2020

Leaf Fitter knows its target audience

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It looks for all the world like a group of a few dozen Senior Citizens were offered tea, sandwiches and something to do with their sad, retired lives* and took the bait, sitting in on a sales pitch for one of these gutter lid things being given by a guy who sounds like he'd really, really rather be selling them Time Shares.

It's hard to imagine that the gutter cover salesperson could have found a friendlier, more enthusiastic-to-learn-about-gutter-lids audience than these people, so he can stick to the soft sell....but I still wish he had broken into a song and dance about how they got trouble right here in River City or they really really need a Monorail but meanwhile the answer to their Upper Middle Class Comfy Suburban Lives is a screen for their gutters.

The sales guy answers all of their questions so nicely, I imagine that besides signing up to get the gutter things installed more than a few of these grandparents slipped him their granddaughter's phone number- "I can't believe she's still single, she's so smart and talented and cute, she's a real catch just give her a call!"  At any rate, from the looks of things Leaf Fitter is going to be very, very busy over the next few days installing cheap pieces of scrap metal with holes in it on to the homes of old idiots who were so mesmerized at their salesperson's description of Permanently Clean Gutters that they totally forgot they pay a kid $10 to clean those gutters once every spring.  And those are just the people who are sure they HAVE gutters.  The rest are NOT sure, because they never checked, but they would like this guy to call their granddaughter anyway.

*I guess I should be grateful that they are taking some time off from blathering into their awesome Consumer Cellular phones about how awesome their Consumer Cellular phones are.  That's something, anyway. 

Monday, July 13, 2020

Sun Basket makes no attempt to hide the Sexism

Not to pick on Sun Basket specifically; every single one of these Easy-Prep Gourmet Meals-in-a-box services (I think there are about 26,000 of them, up from 1500 in the days before Narnia fell under the spell of the White Witch of Covid, where it's always winter and never Christmas) feature delighted young trophy wives opening crates of ingredients designed to make their easy lives even easier (and to fulfill their end of the bargain with Their Husband/Lord and Master.)  They all operate under the assumption that only women really benefit from very expensive meal packages arriving at the door of Suburban McMansions; the guys just expect dinner ready when they get home, and maybe kind of expected Trophy to put some effort in, but as long as they stay young and cute, Sun Basket etc. works just fine.

And of course, Sun Basket presents the meal prep as "so easy a guy could do it," because to a Male, cooking is almost as alien a concept as giving birth (the other part of the bargain with TrophyWife.)  As for a man actually being handed a set of ingredients and a recipe, well- I'll just paraphrase Lyle Lanley's take on giving a spinning wheel to a mule- "he doesn't know how he got it, and danged if he knows what to do with it."

Saturday, July 11, 2020

What's a "California Psychic," anyway?

"I'm very conflicted....and skeptical...." and Stupid.  Don't forget Stupid.  This doesn't work without Stupid.

"they can't be for real, can they?"  No, they can't.  Not going to stop you from pulling out that credit card and giving it to a total stranger bleating generalities at you over the phone, is it?

We asked these skeptics about California Psychics, and here's what that had to say!  (It helps that neither they nor our tv audience knows what the word "skeptic" means!)

"You know, it was probably the best psychic reading I ever had!"  And I'm sure that was a really, really high bar to get over.  Pretty depressing to think that this woman has thrown enough money at "psychics" to have a rating system in place.

"I got everything I could imagine from my reading..." wow, if you are impressed by unfalsifiable claims, there's a doozy for you. 

"She told me all this stuff, and I thought 'how could she possibly know that?'"  Umm, what kind of "stuff?"  That you are susceptible to believing medieval BS (especially medieval BS that places you in a good light) bleated at you by a total stranger on the phone?  Honey, California Psychics figured that out about you before they even answered your call. 

You can speak to a "California Psychic right now for "only $1 a minute" (I absolutely promise you that the unreadable text under this announcement includes the words "minimum charge.")  And if it's "not the best psychic reading you've ever had, it's FREE" (but it will be the best psychic reading you have- your aura will tell the reader so.  If you don't agree, it's because you aren't In A Good Place with your aura.  California Psychics can help you with that, too- just stay on the line.  One dollar per minute.

"I wasn't sure about the relationship I was in but now I know he was the right one."  Because the person on the other end of the phone knows that 99.99 percent of the women who call asking relationship questions want to be told that the time and emotion they put into their current relationship hasn't been wasted and he Really Is the Right Person.  Only the tiniest fraction want to hear "dump him," because that means starting all over again and that's a lot harder than just sticking it out.  Being told that your doubts should be set aside and you should just Go For It- whether its in maintaining a relationship with a certain guy or calling California Psychics- is just good business.  I do wish someone could call the guys and let them know they are dating loons who are really dumb with their credit cards, though.

Thursday, July 9, 2020

Chantix will cure you of your desire to quit smoking

Seriously, the list of possible side effects from a drug that is supposed to help the patient quit smoking is downright....ummm....Depressing...

Not much more to say about this ad, which does a great job reminding people that there are Fates Worse than Cancer.  You CAN take this medication to help you quit smoking....but I don't SURE you want to give up on those Nicotine Patches, chewing gum, and occasional overeating just yet?

Monday, July 6, 2020

FedEx,, and Overbearing Suburban Entitlement

Not really a commercial, but I'm going to comment on this video anyway:

I think this is what we are supposed to get out of this video is that

1.  The FedEx driver was not quite gentle enough with the packages from packages which almost certainly carried nothing but dog food and toys built to be played with by DOGS. 

2.  The FedEx driver didn't lay down a soft mat on the doorstep before carefully placing the obviously not-at-all-breakable precious Dog Crap down in front of the palatial suburban mansion.

3.  The FedEx driver "doesn't care about his job that much" (an actual quote from the original poster of this video.)  Because he didn't spent ten minutes putting the packages down, but did it quickly so he could move on to the next Entitled Brat Homeowner.

4.  The person who posted this was so outraged that the FedEx Driver treated her like Just Another Customer (which- gasp!-she is) she felt it necessary to attempt to shame him on YouTube.  Accomplishing nothing but letting everyone know that she's a spoiled rotten little suburban princess drowning in her own Entitlement.  My guess is that all her neighbors knew this already, but now the world does, too.

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Geico ads exist primarily to remind me that I'm out of the loop, I guess

1.  I'm supposed to know who Special Guest Star in this commercial is, I guess.  I don't.  Never seen him, never heard of him.  I'm not apologizing. 

2.  At the same I REALLY supposed to know who he is?  After all, the idiot brushing his teeth clunkily tells us who he is, as if there's an audience in his house.  And he acts as if he's honored that this guy has appeared just outside his bathroom, uttering his name in an awed, hushed tone, whereas in real life I do NOT recommend that big black guys suddenly materialize outside the bathrooms of white men.

3.  The Not-as-Surprised-as-you'd-think white guy is brushing his teeth while staring at his cell phone.  Sigh....well, I guess this is realistic, but for the purposes of the commercial, there's no reason why he couldn't be just brushing his teeth like he's not completely addicted to that phone.  I don't look at my phone while I'm brushing my teeth, but I don't stare at it constantly as I cook or clean or eat dinner with friends, so I realize I'm an outlier here.

4.  What the hell is with this guy's house?  Judging from that corridor (it has a CORRIDOR) the Apparently Very Famous Motivational Speaker has to walk down to exit, that house is....well, actually, a typical Television House, actually. 

Thursday, July 2, 2020

Downey Presents: What should have been this guy's utter fail

1.  What kind of idiot wears a shirt like that on a first date?  He was so unconcerned about making a good impression that he couldn't pick out a decent shirt to wear?  That's not a "first date shirt."  More like a "married for ten years with three kids, you got a ring, you've bought in, I don't give a damn anymore" shirt....

2.  So this guy's solution to making a poor impression on the first date for wearing a ragged t-shirt is to use Downey to be sure that his Date T Shirts are in good shape from now on?  Hey, buddy- it's not just that you wore a ragged t-shirt.  It's that you wore a freaking t shirt at all on a first date to a nice-looking restaurant.  Want to wear a t-shirt on a first date?  Take her to a carnival, or a picnic, or just a walk through the park.  Better yet, get over this "t shirt on a first date" bit and expand your freaking wardrobe.

3.  This guy got another date.  Never mind, I give up.  I don't understand people at all.