Monday, August 3, 2020

Freshly solves another #firstworldproblem

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Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/I6AEOxUc1ME

1.  In the real world, regular shipments of "chef-prepared" meals doesn't mean "we don't have to cook anymore" unless you are already in the one percent and probably had someone cooking all your meals already.  More like "we can fire Rosa, we don't have to pay her to cook for us anymore!"

2.  This lobotomized twit takes so long to read a few words on the back of her box of 21st Century TV Dinners for Rich People I find it hard to believe she ever managed anything beyond boiling water in the first place.  

3.  Setting aside No. 1 for a moment, who is the "we" who doesn't have to cook anymore because they can afford to buy pre-packaged, pre-cooked "chef-prepared" meals?  And why did two people who both loathe the idea of cooking get together in the first place?  Oh, right- because they knew they could use their money to avoid that horrible chore they both equally dread....

4.  Let's be honest.  What Freshly really means is "guys, you don't have to include 'must be able to cook' in your Trophy Wife Ad anymore."  Now you can cut to the chase- "must be young, hot, and fertile.  No cooking skills necessary."

Of course, to the person who answers that ad it also means "keep working that Peloton bike, keep using that face cream, and keep up with the kids, because your skills in the kitchen have just been devalued. In other words, you are more replaceable than ever."

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Febreze Presents: the Vacant Contentment of the Suburban Housewife

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Original Commercial here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biI2fw8x_Mg

Everything that once made this woman an individual human being with hopes, dreams, ambitions, personality, etc. died so long ago that nobody can remember what she was like back then, no matter how many times they look at home videos or scroll through the High School Yearbook.  

What is left behind is this vacant, standard-issue-pretty zombie taking in her surroundings in her standard-issue suburban home,  which include her stand-issue-pretty children, furniture, and Pet.  She's got a cell phone in her hand because she's an American, but she's not using it because she has nobody to call or otherwise be in contact with.  Completely deprived of stimulation, she's settled into a near-comatose state that she'll come out of just in time to get dinner ready for the Lord of the Manor.  

She doesn't notice odors for the same reason she doesn't notice much of anything else- because her senses have gone the way of everything else that once made her a Person, replaced by this soulless vessel for Making Children and Maintaining a House and being Mrs Somebody Else.  Not that her standard-issue Equally Vacant children are much better, sitting on rug doing standard-issue children things that don't bother lobotomized mommy as she just sit there with her contented I'm a Successful American Woman Because I Got Rid of my Last Name and Everything Else that Made me Me When I Was Younger look on her face.

Oh, and why worry about going "noseblind?"  Because occasionally, she'll be visited by other Stepford Wives who still have at least one functioning sense left in their empty heads, and she wouldn't want to be judged for anything beyond the size of the house and the SUV parked in the driveway. 

Thursday, July 30, 2020

Care.com-- choose wisely....

https://youtu.be/x6FZK0tsJqs


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...because this has got #choosepoorlyandyouvepickedyourhusbandsnexttrophywife written all over it. 

If I were any of these wives, I certainly wouldn't be asking my husband for his help in choosing the next "babysitter" to come into the home.  I've seen enough Lifetime Channel movies this summer to know that that would be a BAD idea, unless you're ready and able to veto anyone HE likes.  

(BTW, very sorry about the lack of instant video and the appearance of the embed code instead; I hope it's just a temporary connectivity issue while I'm here in Vermont.  I can't think of any other explanation, but I'll look into it if the problem continues when I'm back in Maryland, the land of Regular, 21st century internet.  In the meantime, just cut and paste, you lazy twats!)

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Kelly Clarkson, Wayfair, and the last gasps of the Easily Triggered

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1.  How does the sudden appearance of Kelly Clarkson cause a very hot dish to suddenly not be very hot anymore?  I mean, one second this guy is frantically looking for a place to lay something he just took out of the oven, and the next he's just standing there wondering why Kelly Clarkson is standing in his kitchen bleating a pitch for Wayfair, everyone's favorite source of crap furniture not named IKEA.

2.  What does Kelly Clarkson have to do with ordering crap furniture, anyway?  Wikipedia tells me that this woman has a net worth of $45 million.  She doesn't need to do this.  But then again, Shaq doesn't have to pitch garbage car insurance and Alex Trebek doesn't need to pitch garbage health insurance and Tom Selleck doesn't have to push Reverse Mortgages.  Money is money and there's never too much, I guess?

3.  Does Wayfair also sell the space you need for crap furniture?  Because this thing doesn't solve any "where do I put this" problems I have when taking something hot out of the oven.  I have to leave my kitchen in order to change my mind.  Oh right, I forgot- Wayfair is for people who live in typically large TV houses.  Who also have zero taste in furniture.  I'm only in the second category.

4.  Two guesses why this ad irritates some people.  Hint: It's not because Kelly Clarkson randomly shows up in the kitchen.  

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Xfinity's answer to people who forgot to care

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OR....you could, you know, just raise your kids to NOT be addicted to their electronics. 

Oh, but that's too hard.  Never mind.  Here's an App that allows you to see at a glance that the WiFi in your home is being used.  So you never have to assume that rules that were put in place- and modeled by the adults- are actually being adhered to.  Instead, you can just skip all that parenting crap and just spy on your kids, assuming that without direction they'll just do whatever they want, whenever they want (after all, getting them out of your hair was the original point of getting them addicted to their devices before the started first grade anyway, right?

Saturday, July 25, 2020

The most depressing thing about this Geico Commercial...



...isn't all the stuff about Neighborhood Associations.  Yes, they can be this tyrannical, allegedly in the name of keeping home values up but more often to feed the little Fascist that exists buried inside all of us, waiting for an opportunity to spring out. 

Nor is it the idea that I'm supposed to feel sorry for this couple who just want to enjoy their vast Suburban McMansion.  Everyone in TV commercials lives in a house like this, or an almost equally massive luxury apartment- doesn't matter if the inhabitants are dog walkers, kindergarten teachers or hedge fund managers, they can all afford sprawling housing units that look like they have bedrooms the residents haven't discovered yet.

No, the most depressing thing about this Geico Commercial comes at the very end, when the stars of this dumb nugget of an ad let us know how we can see "more stories" featuring actors placed in contrived situations which have nothing to do with Geico but are supposed to amuse and entertain Because You Are Very Dumb.  It's depressing because you know there are people who will actually want more servings of this rotten decaying carcass of a concept because What The Heck It's Like Watching TV.  Never mind that these people were more particular in their choice of entertainment when they were babies fascinated with car keys and anything else they could shove into their mouths.

Friday, July 24, 2020

More hate for Chewy.com!

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Made the decision to have a pet?  Well, why not just farm out the most annoying part of the responsibility that comes with that decision to some anonymous guy who delivers parcels for a living?

Bags of pet food, litter etc. are HEAVY.  So....don't deal with them! Let some total stranger be the victim of your overbearing sense of privilege instead.  Just go to Chewy.com, order those 50-lb bags of kibble and 100-lb sacks of litter to be delivered to your Suburban McMansion, or your apartment on the fifth floor of a building without an elevator (and if the FedEx guy leaves it with the lobby manager, go online and throw a hissy fit about the Poor Quality of Service until you get an official Apology from the shipping company, KAREN.)  Having a pet- a 100 percent voluntary activity, btw- should not mean extra work for you!  It should mean extra work for total strangers with jobs that don't offer health insurance!

And if you're ever bothered by a twinge of conscience while pointing and clicking at pet supplies which have convenience built into their price (not that you care about price,) here's some tried and true bumper sticker logic to soothe your troubled soul.  Take your pick:

"It's their job."

"They are lucky to have jobs in these trying times."

"If they don't like it, they can always get another job."

"They are all young and strong, I have a bad back."

"I'm a hard-working professional I don't have time to shop for pet supplies" (so if Chewy.com didn't exist you'd....give up having pets? Doubtful.)

Personally, I think UPS, FedEx, Amazon, and the USPS should have strict weight limits on the packages they are willing to bring to the doorstep; all packages above that weight should have to be picked up at a central depot or should carry much larger fees in order to accommodate a second delivery person to assist in the transfer from factory to door.  This won't happen because Capitalism and Profit are King and delivery personnel are easily-replaceable assets, especially when you don't provide health insurance to deal with the injuries caused by the regular handling of heavy, bulky packages.  So keep it up, Pet Owners of America; you are truly in the vanguard of an Entitlement Craze that will someday make it possible to have Cinder Block Leggos and pre-filled swimming pools brought to our homes Because Hey the Customer.  All contact-free, of course; not because COVID will still be around, but because no customer will dare to risk making eye contact with the FedEx guy as he lugs whatever item you Simply Couldn't pick up at the Walmart three blocks away to your door. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Eargo's Awful Hearing Aid ad that yes, is for a Hearing Aid



1.  The young man in this ad is the one who needs a hearing aid, I guess:  his stupid Significant Other is standing right next to him but he can't hear what she's whispering, but her dad- sitting ten feet away, can.  Because Eargo Hearing Aids turn you into the Bionic Man, or as I suggested before, this young man has very bad hearing.

2.  Stupid Significant Other is Very, Very Stupid.  She decides that THIS is the moment to ask- and insist upon an answer- her "hey I just realized we wouldn't be getting a hotel room tonight, this house is really small, and we'll be having sex later" question.   She won't move one step closer to her Young Gentleman when she realizes he can't hear her, either.  She'll just stand there with her mother close by, her father right there, repeating a question she can't possibly need the answer to Right This Very Moment in service of the gag.

3.  The real punchline is that the young man in this ad can do much better.  There's nothing special about this girl, unless he's really attracted to morons who have difficulty understanding their surroundings.  She could have asked her question concerning Protection in the car on the way to Mom and Dad's house.  She could ask him to step outside (not into another room, since its clear that this house is TINY and that the walls are made of tissue paper.)  But no- she needs to know RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW- again, because the gag requires it.  I'm not excusing her behavior, though- he can do better.

4.  Why do you want a hearing aid that allows you to hear people whispering to each other?  I thought that the best hearing aids allowed you to focus on what was being said to YOU and eliminated sounds (like other conversations) that could overwhelm those particular words?  If Eargo allowed Dad to hear a whispered conversation ten feet away, it also allowed him to hear every car driving by, every clink of every cup and plate, and a myriad of other sounds that would have left that whispered conversation just another ingredient in the wall of noise constantly assaulting his eardrums.  Eargo is making the claim made by those MAGIC SUPER EAR devices you found next to X RAY SPECS and Sea Monkeys at the back of the comic book.  Not very practical.

5.  The YouTube comments that follow this ad....oh my god, you people.  You people are the worst. 

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Casper- the Audi of Mattress Entitlement



Ok, I've seriously never cared about anything less than the fact that this band of entitled suburban twats have new mattresses which will make their already-perfect lives even more perfect.  The fact that Patriarch of this tribe of overcompensated bottom-feeders pronounces that "the King has Arrived!" in a voice loud enough to be heard by his fellow Housing Association zombies just makes him easier to hate. 

I'd like to know who that girl wearing the red warmup suit and holding a cell phone is in the next unboxing scene-- she doesn't look a thing like the guy doing the unboxing OR the woman implied to be his wife.  The live-in nanny and future Trophy Wife, I'm guessing.  And now I'm just creeped out and sad.

That we are introduced to his offspring (who looks to be about five years older than her future Weekend Mommy) who also behaves as if she is getting a good night's sleep for the first time ever because while buying up every material possession imaginable ChildMommy and Daddy forgot to arrange Proper Bedding doesn't make me any more sympathetic or appreciative of the Relief that has finally come to them in the form of several thousand dollars worth of Casper Mattresses (the kings-sized Wave Mattress celebrated in the opening scene retails for $1495 on the official site.  That's just for the mattress.)

So I'm just left wondering why I spent so much time on a hot, sunny summer day analyzing a commercial for a product I can't afford being demonstrated by people I really wish would just die.  Oh, right- because the flies are really biting today.  That's it.


Saturday, July 18, 2020

These Awful Charmin Bears can please Just Go Away Now



1.  Is the father bear in this ad listening to the narrator, or watching tv with his family?  In other words, is the father bear aware that he and his family are the subjects of a commercial, because that would be the only explanation I could think of for his sudden decision to hug his atrociously blue-for-some-reason family at just the right moment in the narration.

2.  What's the point of this ad, anyway?  A few months ago, Charmin wanted to assure everyone that the company wasn't intentionally keeping toilet paper off the market to create an artificial panic?  Did anyone think this was happening?  (Oh, who am I kidding.  This is the United States.  A significant population of citizens totally believed that COVID was a scam created by Marxists, Queen Elizabeth, Hillary Clinton, and Big Toilet Paper* to sink the American Economy and get Bernie Sanders into the White House.)

*and the people who make "vaccines" (autism delivery systems.)  And some company that found itself with 25 million face masks and no market for them.  They were all in on it.  Just keep peeling that onion, Sheeple!

Friday, July 17, 2020

Leaf Fitter knows its target audience


https://ispot.tv/a/Z9WN

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It looks for all the world like a group of a few dozen Senior Citizens were offered tea, sandwiches and something to do with their sad, retired lives* and took the bait, sitting in on a sales pitch for one of these gutter lid things being given by a guy who sounds like he'd really, really rather be selling them Time Shares.

It's hard to imagine that the gutter cover salesperson could have found a friendlier, more enthusiastic-to-learn-about-gutter-lids audience than these people, so he can stick to the soft sell....but I still wish he had broken into a song and dance about how they got trouble right here in River City or they really really need a Monorail but meanwhile the answer to their Upper Middle Class Comfy Suburban Lives is a screen for their gutters.

The sales guy answers all of their questions so nicely, I imagine that besides signing up to get the gutter things installed more than a few of these grandparents slipped him their granddaughter's phone number- "I can't believe she's still single, she's so smart and talented and cute, she's a real catch just give her a call!"  At any rate, from the looks of things Leaf Fitter is going to be very, very busy over the next few days installing cheap pieces of scrap metal with holes in it on to the homes of old idiots who were so mesmerized at their salesperson's description of Permanently Clean Gutters that they totally forgot they pay a kid $10 to clean those gutters once every spring.  And those are just the people who are sure they HAVE gutters.  The rest are NOT sure, because they never checked, but they would like this guy to call their granddaughter anyway.

*I guess I should be grateful that they are taking some time off from blathering into their awesome Consumer Cellular phones about how awesome their Consumer Cellular phones are.  That's something, anyway. 

Monday, July 13, 2020

Sun Basket makes no attempt to hide the Sexism



Not to pick on Sun Basket specifically; every single one of these Easy-Prep Gourmet Meals-in-a-box services (I think there are about 26,000 of them, up from 1500 in the days before Narnia fell under the spell of the White Witch of Covid, where it's always winter and never Christmas) feature delighted young trophy wives opening crates of ingredients designed to make their easy lives even easier (and to fulfill their end of the bargain with Their Husband/Lord and Master.)  They all operate under the assumption that only women really benefit from very expensive meal packages arriving at the door of Suburban McMansions; the guys just expect dinner ready when they get home, and maybe kind of expected Trophy to put some effort in, but as long as they stay young and cute, Sun Basket etc. works just fine.

And of course, Sun Basket presents the meal prep as "so easy a guy could do it," because to a Male, cooking is almost as alien a concept as giving birth (the other part of the bargain with TrophyWife.)  As for a man actually being handed a set of ingredients and a recipe, well- I'll just paraphrase Lyle Lanley's take on giving a spinning wheel to a mule- "he doesn't know how he got it, and danged if he knows what to do with it."

Saturday, July 11, 2020

What's a "California Psychic," anyway?



"I'm very conflicted....and skeptical...." and Stupid.  Don't forget Stupid.  This doesn't work without Stupid.

"they can't be for real, can they?"  No, they can't.  Not going to stop you from pulling out that credit card and giving it to a total stranger bleating generalities at you over the phone, is it?

We asked these skeptics about California Psychics, and here's what that had to say!  (It helps that neither they nor our tv audience knows what the word "skeptic" means!)

"You know, it was probably the best psychic reading I ever had!"  And I'm sure that was a really, really high bar to get over.  Pretty depressing to think that this woman has thrown enough money at "psychics" to have a rating system in place.

"I got everything I could imagine from my reading..." wow, if you are impressed by unfalsifiable claims, there's a doozy for you. 

"She told me all this stuff, and I thought 'how could she possibly know that?'"  Umm, what kind of "stuff?"  That you are susceptible to believing medieval BS (especially medieval BS that places you in a good light) bleated at you by a total stranger on the phone?  Honey, California Psychics figured that out about you before they even answered your call. 

You can speak to a "California Psychic right now for "only $1 a minute" (I absolutely promise you that the unreadable text under this announcement includes the words "minimum charge.")  And if it's "not the best psychic reading you've ever had, it's FREE" (but it will be the best psychic reading you have- your aura will tell the reader so.  If you don't agree, it's because you aren't In A Good Place with your aura.  California Psychics can help you with that, too- just stay on the line.  One dollar per minute.

"I wasn't sure about the relationship I was in but now I know he was the right one."  Because the person on the other end of the phone knows that 99.99 percent of the women who call asking relationship questions want to be told that the time and emotion they put into their current relationship hasn't been wasted and he Really Is the Right Person.  Only the tiniest fraction want to hear "dump him," because that means starting all over again and that's a lot harder than just sticking it out.  Being told that your doubts should be set aside and you should just Go For It- whether its in maintaining a relationship with a certain guy or calling California Psychics- is just good business.  I do wish someone could call the guys and let them know they are dating loons who are really dumb with their credit cards, though.


Thursday, July 9, 2020

Chantix will cure you of your desire to quit smoking



Seriously, the list of possible side effects from a drug that is supposed to help the patient quit smoking is downright....ummm....Depressing...

Not much more to say about this ad, which does a great job reminding people that there are Fates Worse than Cancer.  You CAN take this medication to help you quit smoking....but I don't know....you SURE you want to give up on those Nicotine Patches, chewing gum, and occasional overeating just yet?

Monday, July 6, 2020

FedEx, Chewy.com, and Overbearing Suburban Entitlement



Not really a commercial, but I'm going to comment on this video anyway:

I think this is what we are supposed to get out of this video is that

1.  The FedEx driver was not quite gentle enough with the packages from Chewy.com- packages which almost certainly carried nothing but dog food and toys built to be played with by DOGS. 

2.  The FedEx driver didn't lay down a soft mat on the doorstep before carefully placing the obviously not-at-all-breakable precious Dog Crap down in front of the palatial suburban mansion.

3.  The FedEx driver "doesn't care about his job that much" (an actual quote from the original poster of this video.)  Because he didn't spent ten minutes putting the packages down, but did it quickly so he could move on to the next Entitled Brat Homeowner.

4.  The person who posted this was so outraged that the FedEx Driver treated her like Just Another Customer (which- gasp!-she is) she felt it necessary to attempt to shame him on YouTube.  Accomplishing nothing but letting everyone know that she's a spoiled rotten little suburban princess drowning in her own Entitlement.  My guess is that all her neighbors knew this already, but now the world does, too.

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Geico ads exist primarily to remind me that I'm out of the loop, I guess



1.  I'm supposed to know who Special Guest Star in this commercial is, I guess.  I don't.  Never seen him, never heard of him.  I'm not apologizing. 

2.  At the same time....am I REALLY supposed to know who he is?  After all, the idiot brushing his teeth clunkily tells us who he is, as if there's an audience in his house.  And he acts as if he's honored that this guy has appeared just outside his bathroom, uttering his name in an awed, hushed tone, whereas in real life I do NOT recommend that big black guys suddenly materialize outside the bathrooms of white men.

3.  The Not-as-Surprised-as-you'd-think white guy is brushing his teeth while staring at his cell phone.  Sigh....well, I guess this is realistic, but for the purposes of the commercial, there's no reason why he couldn't be just brushing his teeth like he's not completely addicted to that phone.  I don't look at my phone while I'm brushing my teeth, but I don't stare at it constantly as I cook or clean or eat dinner with friends, so I realize I'm an outlier here.

4.  What the hell is with this guy's house?  Judging from that corridor (it has a CORRIDOR) the Apparently Very Famous Motivational Speaker has to walk down to exit, that house is....well, actually, a typical Television House, actually. 

Thursday, July 2, 2020

Downey Presents: What should have been this guy's utter fail



1.  What kind of idiot wears a shirt like that on a first date?  He was so unconcerned about making a good impression that he couldn't pick out a decent shirt to wear?  That's not a "first date shirt."  More like a "married for ten years with three kids, you got a ring, you've bought in, I don't give a damn anymore" shirt....

2.  So this guy's solution to making a poor impression on the first date for wearing a ragged t-shirt is to use Downey to be sure that his Date T Shirts are in good shape from now on?  Hey, buddy- it's not just that you wore a ragged t-shirt.  It's that you wore a freaking t shirt at all on a first date to a nice-looking restaurant.  Want to wear a t-shirt on a first date?  Take her to a carnival, or a picnic, or just a walk through the park.  Better yet, get over this "t shirt on a first date" bit and expand your freaking wardrobe.

3.  This guy got another date.  Never mind, I give up.  I don't understand people at all. 

Sunday, June 28, 2020

We're all in this Together. So why don't more of you subscribe to my crappy blog, you haters!?



We all have a Responsibility to keep the engine of Capitalism humming along.  Every restaurant, car company, airline, and online streaming service is counting on us to keep contributing our hard-earned money to keeping them afloat during These Tough TimesTM.  We (corporations) can't get through this without You (customers.)

It's all about Community (corporations and customers.)  Businesses have always been there for Us, working hard 24/7 to convince the public to open wallets and empty them in exchange for Stuff.  Now it's time for Us to step up and help those Businesses by....um, well, continuing to open up our wallets and give them money in exchange for Stuff. 

We know that the proles- um, Community- don't have as much money as they did.  But that doesn't really matter, because the Market can't live without that money.  So just sacrifice a little more by....umm, buying.  It's good for you, it's even more good for Business, and it's what Americans do when America is in trouble because America.

Don't love your country?  Then stop consuming, you selfish awful traitors.  Let the terrorists win.  Love your country?  Well, it's kind of hard to tell when you haven't ordered from GrubHub for more than 12 hours.  Seeing is Believing.  Get that credit card out.  Capital One is THERE for you.  And when this is all over, Credit Repair will be there for you.  There's always someone there for you.  So relax.  And spend.  Don't worry- whatever you buy, we'll make more of it.  Like I said, we're always there for you.  And we'll always be there for you. 

(A profound and sincere thanks to the people who put together this wonderful compilation of twee garbage ads.  Just perfect.)


Saturday, June 27, 2020

Not sure what to do with this Folger's Throwback



I hadn't heard the familiar Folger's jingle for years- maybe its not a universal throwback, but it is to me. 

Nothing else about this commercial is familiar, however.  As near as I can tell, this woman intended to surprise her husband in the shower, but her father-in-law was in there instead (with another guy who was in there fully, dressed, singing.  This got really weird, really fast.)   So I guess she forgot her father-in-law was visiting?  Or he regularly comes over to his house for a shower?  Or he lives with her and her husband now?  And brought someone to help him clean himself in the shower?

Considering that for the rest of the ad, the father-in-law walks around wearing a towel but still just as soapy as he was when discovered in the shower, I have to figure Father in Law Steve has been moved in for his own good, and isn't All There by any measure.  And that guy in the shower with him is an employee of some local home health agency who shows up every morning to make sure Steve gets out of bed and cleaned up.

Whatever, this poor woman has problems that are not going to be solved by crappy canned coffee.  If her Father in Law has moved in for the long term, she's going to have to start making some serious demands of her husband- like, good fresh, ground coffee that doesn't come in a can.  And maybe an addition to the house that includes a private bath off the master bedroom.  If Father in Law is just....there, we really need an explanation as to why he felt compelled to take a shower in her house, and why her interrupting that shower resulted in him apparently decided that he wasn't going to get rinsed off, let alone dressed, for the rest of the day.

Friday, June 26, 2020

Time for my annual rant against T Mobile...



...which I would be more than happy to forego as soon as T Mobile recognizes that Vermont is part of the Nation, and that if you're going to call yourself the Nationwide Leader in Nationwide Coverage, you really ought to provide a service that doesn't give me "No Network Connection" messages every time I try to make a call from the house I grew up in five miles outside of Barre (the third-largest city in the state.)

Not much left to say, actually.  T Mobile is horrible here and these "We can't stop talking about how incredibly amazing we are with our Nationwide Coverage" commercials are just insults added to an injury which repeats every summer.   For the third summer in a row, T Mobile:  Get your freaking act together in the rest of the United States.  Or STFU. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Freshpet's Projection doesn't fly here



These things chew grass and will consume their own leavings if you turn your back on them.  Don't tell me they are deeply concerned about what's in their dog food, let alone things like expiration dates.  This has got nothing to do with pets, and everything to do with dog owners who want to virtue signal by buying the most unnecessarily expensive overpackaged crap possible for their miserable walnut-brained mammals.   Another great advertisement for Not Owning a Pet.

And I am NOT going to subject myself to the comments, which I'm sure are 99.9 percent cooing, oooing, awwing and endless "that one at this time stamp reminds me of MY 'children,' etc."  Life is too short for that crap.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Mercedes-Benz trains up the next generation of insufferable brats



Ok, so the little boy in this commercial is eager to go on his very first date (I guess) but there's a snowstorm, which for pretty much anyone else on the planet would mean the date is going to be postponed.*   Problem is, this kid isn't used to being disappointed.  He looks like an only child, he lives in the suburbs, and mom and dad own a Mercedes.  So he's all ready to go, grab the keys, dad.

Not only does dad drive the kid to the mall, but he seems determined to get there and then back home to the family McMansion as quickly as possible, because he's not driving especially slowly considering its kind of been implied that its not that safe to be driving. 

They arrive at the movie theater, which considering the empty parking lot sure looks closed because- well, the weather, after all.  But again, this is a rich kid with a rich family who gets what he wants, so they just park in the empty lot and go in.

There's one worker at the concession stand.  She's there just in case this kid and his dad ignored the obvious bad weather and drove out assuming everything would be perfectly fine.  Don't know how she got there, but I think it's safe to assume that she had a hard time of it as I'm pretty sure she doesn't own a Mercedes Benz.  But it's also safe to assume that she can't afford to just not come in to work even if the weather is bad if the theater owners want to stay open just in case some spoiled knothead insists on watching a movie during a blizzard.

There's no one in the theater- I guess he was supposed to meet his date in there, and not in the lobby, where he could buy her ticket and offer her popcorn and soda.  He decides that her father had a little more common sense and just told his daughter "sorry, but there will be lots of opportunities to organize a make-up date," for chrissakes.

Oh, but no- turns out that this little kid runs with his Own Kind, and asked out a Little Princess  whose father also owns a Mercedes Benz and who also doesn't know how to raise a sensible kid or doesn't think he has to because, after all, he's rich and owns a Mercedes Benz. 

I didn't watch the end of the commercial, so if it doesn't end with these entitled brats sitting by themselves in the theater eating popcorn and drinking soda watching a film being projected by one irritated worker drone while another mans the concession stand Just in Case Their Highnesses might want some candy at some point, you can let me know.

The Privilege!  It Burns!

 *When I was in college, my very first date with a girl I liked was supposed to be at Ronald Reagan's second inaugural parade.  It was cancelled due to inclement weather.  If I were an older version of these kids at that time, I guess I would have jumped into my own Mercedes-Benz, picked up that girl, and headed off Pennsylvania Avenue to sit in the stands while my parents demanded that the High School bands start entertaining us.  I mean, come on.  LIFE HAPPENS, KIDS.  But I guess if you own a Mercedes,  Life is just something that gets out of your way.

Friday, June 19, 2020

Lit Mobile's Charger Scam makes me happy for some reason



Maybe it's because the only ad I could find for this "solar powered lightning-fast phone charger" was disguised as a YouTube Review.  I could probably start a spin-off to this blog devoted to phony YouTube reviews.  The Evil Genius of creating fake reviews just makes my heart glow, especially when they are drowned by Actual Reviews exposing their fakery.  So much fun to watch.

Anyway, this Amazing Solar Powered Charger being sold for sixty percent off ($39.99) for a limited time only (it's a Spring Sale, and my calendar tells me that there's less than 48 hours left to Spring) is absolutely identical to something called the Innovative JD-T19 3 USB Ports Solar Charger 200000mh Wireless Power Bank Q1 Solar Panel Charger Power Bank (that's exactly what it's called) available at everybody's favorite source of mystery-box junk, Alibaba.  Except that at Alibaba, it costs $10.99.  And it might even show up in your mailbox someday. 

Ok, that's not fair- it's entirely possible that Lil Mobile will send you a charger in exchange for your $39.99, eventually.  It'll just be the same one you could have picked up for $10.99 at Alibaba.  Probably from the same warehouse in Guangzhou.  And then you'll have a light-up paperweight that would have been very expensive at $10.99.

Here's what gets me about these phony chargers and other electronics scams- everyone who owns a SmartPhone knows where they can get legitimate chargers for them, because Apple, Samsung etc sell chargers from their official sites.  Those companies have zero incentive for making it difficult for us to charge our phones, so why wouldn't we just assume that they'd be on the cutting edge of charging technology?  Why would we trust some unfamiliar company to provide us with the best chargers?  Makes no sense. 

And other than the debunking videos being fun to watch, I can't really explain why these commercials make me happy.  Maybe it's because most of the people who fall for these pitches are probably just stupid kids who can't keep their phones charged because they never stop using them.  Anything that throws a wrench into their nonstop jabbering, watching and texting is going to warm my cold dead heart just a little.

Thursday, June 18, 2020

Copper Fit's stone soup



Let's be honest- just as it was only a matter of time before some company began to add copper- or the concept of copper, or just the name "copper"- to knee sleeves in order to sell them to the population of woo-ingesting idiots out there whose brains are in the 12th century and who think that copper is Magic, it was also pretty inevitable that the same company would remember that there's a larger population of not-so-very-stupid people out there who associate menthol with pain management and start adding THAT to their knee sleeves.  I'm just kind of amazed that it took this long.

Menthol was first isolated as a chemical in the late-18th century, and today is used in dozens of different products, probably coming closer to the old description of a Magical Cure-All than anything since the formation of the FDA.  It's used in cough drops, cough syrup, creams and inhalers to relieve cold symptoms.  It's found in antibacterials to relieve itching and swelling, and lip balms to prevent and treat chapping and cracking.  And, of course, it's used to reduce ("provide temporary relief from") muscle aches and pains.

To that last point, menthol is the main active ingredient in balms and other topical treatments made by multiple competing pharmaceutical companies, and for good reason:  It's cheap (though not quite as cheap as just adding the word "copper" to your product) and enjoys a positive reputation built from years of practical experience.  I doubt there's an adult in the United States who wasn't raised to just ASSUME that menthol does what the companies selling it to you say it does.  It would be like questioning the power of water to quench thirst.  Practically heresy.

So why would I snark Copper Fit for adding menthol to its knee sleeves?  To answer this question, I simply have to go back to the title of this particular blog post.  Copper Fit knee sleeves, by themselves, are pretty pointless, expensive little pieces of holistic nonsense which are sold with trumpeted claims of magic properties which "work" on people who are really susceptible to the placebo effect.  The commercials look great, these old people who could barely walk are now running, these very believable, sincere-looking people who look like my family members and friends swear they work, plus- unlike that off-the-shelf stuff- they have this cool logo and are Infused with the Properties of Copper.  If I put one on and am not running marathons five minutes later, I just Don't Believe Enough.  Adding menthol is a very interesting concession by Copper Fit- it's adding actual vegetables and spice to a soup we were told was great already.  Copper Fit might as well include a bottle of Tylenol and a jar of Biofreeze (only active ingredient: Menthol) and just raise the price of the sleeve a little.  Maybe throw in a warm-up stretching routine as a bonus, Just Pay Extra Shipping and Handling.  Don't worry, the great majority of the customer base for Copper Fit knee sleeves will continue to attribute any improvement to the Magic of Copper. 

Sunday, June 14, 2020

Just a quick take on this Claritin Ad



I have seasonal allergies.  I didn't grow up with them, but developed them when I was in my early or mid-40s.  Suddenly every spring my throat would become very itchy, my nose would run uncontrollably, my ears would get plugged up and my eyes would swell up and explode.  I might be exaggerating a bit with that last point.

Anyway, I deal with allergies fairly effectively by taking an allergy pill every night before going to bed.  It helps me sleep, and it manages the symptoms reasonably well, though this year I think I might be getting through the spring a little better than usual because I'm wearing a mask whenever I go outside.  As opposed to most years, when I'd only wear a mask on Friday and Saturday nights, because those were my crime-fighting nights.  But I digress.

Even with taking a nightly pill, I still don't spend a lot of time shoving my face into grass or rubbing noses with puppies (yuck.)  Like the idiots who take Nyquil and then go skydiving or rock-climbing the next day, this guy is really asking a lot of his medication.  It's not magic, you idiot.  But at least we don't see him skipping out on his daughter's bike-riding lessons because he's got the sniffles; we see that in a lot of these ads.  Still...take it easy, man. 

Saturday, June 13, 2020

Coming up Next: Cascade suggestively encourages us to run our vacuums over clean floors



Yeah yeah yeah we get it, Cascade:  we are supposed to think that these people are talking about sex.  Wink-wink and all that.  Except, nobody with two functioning brain cells thinks that they are talking about sex before the "big reveal," because, well, we've watched television before. 

So I'm not going to just give a big thumbs-down to the "haha how cute these old people are still intimate isn't that awesome its like imagining trolls mating" message you're obviously trying to sell us in the first few seconds.  Instead, I'm going to point out the absurdity of a commercial which encourages us to "save water" by running our dishwashers every night even if we don't really have anything to wash in them.  What exactly is environmentally responsible about running a dishwasher that is 90 percent empty Just Because?  Ok, that's better than using several gallons of heated water to clean off a few plates and forks, but isn't just giving that stuff a quick wipe and then leaving it in the machine until it's full even better?  Not only will I save water, but my machine might last longer because I'm not putting it to work every night, like clockwork, whether I need it or not.

I expect I'll see car companies encourage us to just run our automobiles for half an hour or so every night- you know, because that will save gasoline as opposed to driving long distances.  Maybe we should keep our windows open while we run the AC, because that's somewhat more energy efficient than just putting the AC unit in the driveway and attempting to cool the neighborhood.  So many ways to save energy we've never thought of.  Thanks for the jump start, Cascade!

Friday, June 12, 2020

National Tax Experts: COVID-19 is DEFINITELY an Opportunity...but for what?



Were you annoyed with paying taxes, because it reduced the money you had left over from your paycheck you had to spend on things you wanted?  In other words, were you sick of taxes getting in the way of living the lifestyle you wanted to live?

Are you now tired of "dodging the IRS" which is "hounding you" to pay the taxes you decided you just didn't wanna pay even though you knew those taxes represented your contribution to the society you live in and whose benefits you enjoy?

Are you willing to believe absolutely anything?  I mean, including a pitch that the COVID-19 emergency could be connected to a Get Out of Your Responsibilities Free card when it comes to paying your taxes? 

If all of the above is true, LISTEN TO THIS!......

"The Corona Virus has forced the government to take extensive actions (well, maybe- not extensive enough, and way too late) that might make this the most Opportunistic Time (well, that's a refreshingly honest way to put it) to Restructure or Resolve your tax debt."  And take a look at this pretty young couple, totally befuddled at the tax bills that Came Out of Nowhere just like that dog that ate her homework once, or that car that jumped in front of his in the parking lot when he was standing perfectly still while very safely trying to update his Facebook account.  They sure look like Innocent Victims, just like those Other Times. 

"You may have heard that there were tax filing extensions put into place as a response to COVID-19.  We hope that you allow us to make a nonexistent connection between actual tax filing extensions and 'aggressive new programs' that will allow you to restructure or even eliminate your tax debt.  You know, like you allow other companies to make the invisible connection between Medicare and Medicare Insurance Cards pitched by Joe Namath.  You're really good at hearing what you want to hear, after all."

"Act now before it's too late, because we all know that once this current Emergency lifts we'll be right back to pointing out entirely generic 'troubled times' in these ads and we won't be able to use a specific, actual Emergency anymore.  But let's be real- we're going to be able to milk this thing for years.  That's why we used COVID-19 and Opportunistic in the same sentence, after all."


Sunday, June 7, 2020

Air Police 4 Layer Masks- Because, Again, Yay Capitalism!



Yes, America is "coming back stronger than ever" - just check out the Stock  Market, where the one percent are taking advantage of the bargains created when people who feared losing their jobs or were already retired and living off dividends panicked and sold out their 401(ks!)  Better yet, just look at the sea of pretty flags!

Let's just dissect this latest example of crass opportunism run amok:

1.  These are advertised as "non-medical face masks."  In other words, they aren't for keeping you isolated from COVID-19.  They are for allowing you to enter stores and ride public transportation.  And if that's all you want masks for, you can cut up a sock or wrap a scarf around your face and accomplish the same thing.

2.  They are "in stock now and ready to ship"- from where?  Shut up, that's where!  I mean, don't these people pulling pallets of boxes look American to you?  That should be good enough!  Plus we showed you those flags before!

3.  They have FOUR LAYERS of paper, not the usual (?) three.  Does this mean anything, considering we've already been told they are "non-medical?"  Do we need to show you those flags again?

4.  Something about an "amazing electrostatic charge."  Seriously, is this an SNL skit?  Does this thing come with batteries?  What is the utility of an "electrostatic charge" when it comes to protection?  I don't get it, and I don't think we are supposed to get it- I'm pretty sure this line is in the commercial to distract us that these masks don't contain any therapeutic copper.

5.  They cover your "entire nose and face..." um, like every other mask?  Oh, and they won't fog your glasses- which is basically taking something negative about the product (it's thin) and tries to spin it into something positive (therefore, your breath effortlessly flows through the mask.)  Unlike those stupid medical masks with filters and such.  So much better!

6.  It's design provides an "extra layer of protection"-- um, what do you mean "extra?"  Why do I suspect that when you open your package of Air Police masks, the first thing you see is a disclaimer urging you to wear an actual mask underneath it?  Seriously, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

7.  They are "one size fits all."  Which means, they come in one size.  Again, this is supposed to be a GOOD thing.

8.  Here's a guy pretending to be a cop talking about being "on the front lines every day."  He isn't wearing a mask.  I don't know why he's in this ad.

9.  "Remember, other masks have only three layers of protection and are made in China.  Air Police 4 has four layers and ships directly to your door...."  Did you catch that little sleight of hand?  Were we told where Air Police 4 masks were made?  No, we were not.  But I bet a whole lot of listeners got the impression that they are NOT made in China.  BTW, aren't masks made in China also shipped directly to our door?  Shut up and look at the flags again!

10.  ".....from our USA Based Company...." wow, seriously?  So wherever Air Police 4 masks are made, they are shipped FROM a USA Based Company.  Are they made in the USA?  I think the answer is pretty obviously NO, because if they were, that fact would be trumpeted loudly, not sort-of-implied using weasel words that say no such thing.

11.  One more thing, though the commercial cuts off before we can get to it and I had to find this by doing a little research- we are told that these masks can cost "as little as 99 cents per unit."  But to get that price, you have to buy A HUNDRED OF THEM.  If you buy ten, they are $1.99 each.  If you buy forty, they are $1.49 each.  For paper masks which offer no proven protection but will allow you to go into stores and ride public transportation. 

Man, I miss commercials for overpriced sunglasses and solar-powered security lights and portable "air conditioners."  But considering that America is On Its Way Back to spiking death rates due to premature reopening, I'd say we are in for a lot more ads like this before this Terrible No-Good Very Bad Year is over.


Saturday, June 6, 2020

Ugh this Open Care Final Expenses ad is so awkward....



...and yes, I'm well aware that calling a Funeral Expenses Commercial "awkward" is like calling water "wet," but this is even worse than usual. 

First, the level of acting has really reached the bottom of the barrel in this ad- both "daughter" and "mom" are clearly just waiting for their cues to spit out the most incredibly stilted dialogue to be found outside Hallmark Christmas movies.  Daughter expresses relief that mom has survived Yet Another health crisis and will be returning home briefly- because like all children, what she really wants is to come in one day and find mom dead on the kitchen floor, not conveniently passed away in a hospital.  Wow, thank goodness you didn't die right here in this bed surrounded by witnesses who can do all the paperwork without all the awkwardness and instead improved the odds of just expiring while cooking, cleaning, watching tv or a hundred other ways which will allow us to have a big traumatic, scary, stressful situation involving phone calls and the police and (insult added to injury) expensive paramedics showing up anyway.  Yep, this is a real blessing.

Second, what's with mom's "immediate payout of up to $30,000" line?  She bought the insurance.  She should know EXACTLY what the payout will be when she finally dies (probably while driving, so she can wreck her nice car and cause an expensive accident too.  Yeah, much better than her just passing quietly in the hospital bed.)  "Up to $30,000" sounds like it was inserted exclusively for the television audience, not Concerned Daughter.  I know if were CD, I wouldn't nod in response to "up to $30,000."  I'd ask "what does THAT mean?  What's the SMALLEST amount that the payout can be?  And btw, where do you get off buying f--ng meatsack burial insurance?  What about your f--ing medical bills?  You got THOSE taken care of?  Or are you going to leave us with a big stack of those because you thought making sure you got some damn ornate box to rot away in was a bigger priority?"  Speaking of which....

Third:  When I think "Final Expenses," I mean enough money to pay all those hospital bills, settle any debts, etc. so the heirs can enjoy the property Mom left without taking out their own loans to pay out.  When Open Care says "Final Expenses," they mean a funeral, a box, a hole in the ground, and a pretty rock which displays the name of the person in the box in the hole in the ground.  Want to make sure your family has bitter memories of you?  Buy a big Funeral Insurance policy so your loved ones can have a formal gathering they can spend discussing where they are going to come up with the money to save your house from foreclosure. 

Fourth, what the heck is the poor nurse thinking as she checks this blathering old fool's I-V right in the middle of this ridiculously awkward conversation?  She's just trying to do her job, and these emotionless drones are chatting away about Corpse Box Insurance. 

Thursday, June 4, 2020

Eliquis presents the fine line between Inspiring and Depressing


               
This otherwise fill-in-the-blank "I'm so glad I found this new drug with horrific possible side effects including internal bleeding" drug commercial caught my attention because of the very first line uttered by the utterly unsympathetic idiot who stars in it.  It's a line that I guess is supposed to be Throw-away inspiring or hopeful or something, but I didn't get that feeling at all.

This old dope tells us that he's "always been amazed by 'Whats Next?'"  I am quite certain that the intention was to show us an adventure-seeking individual who has never lost his childlike fascination and appreciation of the world.  But when I hear someone basically tell me that they are always looking ahead to the next experience, I hear an easily-distracted, never-satisfied, and above all ungrateful dope who refuses to actually enjoy anything because he's convinced there's something better around the next corner.  This guy doesn't appreciate the wonders of life he's experiencing today- he's too busy planning for tomorrow.  This is something we expect from toddlers, teenagers, and (to a lesser extent) from young adults.  It's a natural, healthy attitude for people who are taking in the world and impatient to get out into it.  It's not charming from a middle-aged (retired?) guy to refuse to live in the Now and just wants to move on to the next Shiny Object (never mind that all the shiny objects he encounters seems to involve fishing.*)

In his quest for "what's next," this guy decided (on his own) that maybe the drug his doctor prescribed for him "wasn't really the best for him" (maybe "what's next" is medical school?  Only if fishing is involved) so he took it upon himself to look into Eliquis.  Since he's an American with gold-plated health insurance, his doctor was more than willing to change his prescription and put him on this new drug, so he could walk around with a smug smile confident that NOW he's taking the RIGHT drug that, just like the old one, has internal bleeding as one of many possibly fatal side effects.  Good for you, buddy- now you've created another door- "being rushed to the Emergency Room before flatlining" as a possible "what's next" adventure in what looks like a pretty boring- and unsatisfying- life.

*there is no "what's next" to fishing.  It's just more fishing.  Figure it out, idiot.

Monday, June 1, 2020

I totally endorse this Coventry Ad



The old people in this ad took a walk one day and got to thinking about this big life insurance policy they were paying into.  It suddenly occurred to them that they were gaining absolutely nothing from this policy- in fact, it was having a negative impact on their lives, as it was costing them money in paid premiums every. Single. Month.

To what end?  Well, if they died...then their little grandchildren would cash in.  But what good would that do these nice old people?  If the insurance policy were cashed in, that would mean these nice old people were dead.  Would they be looking down from heaven, watching these little brats rolling around on a carpet covered with insurance money?  Maybe there isn't any heaven- so the old people would never get to see the impact- negative or positive- this hard-earned, long-paid-for insurance money had on those grandchildren.  Maybe their adult children would use the insurance money to buy a vacation in Europe, or a new BMW, while skimping on the funeral costs. 

So when these two nice old people got home from their walk, they made the sensible decision to say "f---k it" to the premiums and sell their policy to Coventry for a nice chunk of cash they can use RIGHT NOW, and the next generation can take care of its own damn self.

In the heartwarming final scene, we see the little grandchildren running happily to greet Grandma and Grandpa.  Clearly, their parents have no idea what just happened to that pot of gold they were anticipating, because they are still on speaking terms with their grandparents and the grandparents are still getting visitation privileges.  If Grandma and Grandpa are smart, they'll keep their very intelligent, sensible decision to themselves, because there is No Wrath Greater than that of a Disappointed Legatee. 

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Another totally relatable exercise bike ad



Before we get started- does it bother anybody else that neither of these all-glass apartments seem to have any curtains anywhere?  So the wealthy, beautiful people living in them want to live in fishbowls?  What if these apartments are ever rented to people who AREN'T physically perfect or- and I know, this is kind of a stretch in the year 2020- might actually want some privacy now and then?

Ok, on to the ad- wow, not only do these people have identical apartments each which look into the other, but they residents have both purchased identical exercise bikes which have been placed perfectly to challenge each other, and they choose to exercise at exactly the same time, logging in to the same class.  Now that is a series of convenient contrivances.*

If you thought for one moment that this ad was going to end with the guy winning, well.....you haven't watched a lot of commercials this century, have you? 

A YouTube commenter makes an observation I made the third or fourth time I watched this- as the girl leaves, she gives a little flirty shoulder twitch to the guy she "beat" as they both walk away to enjoy a little privacy in the small part of their ridiculous apartment that is not visible to the rest of the planet.  But then we get a zoom-out view in which we see her giving that same flirty shoulder twitch- is this the same scene from a different POV, or does she do it again?  Either way, it's pretty stupid.  It's like the people who made this obnoxious little nugget just wanted to remind us that these people live in ridiculous apartments.  We got it already.

*Ok, I get that these two people must know each other, otherwise they'd have no idea they were in direct competition, as their screens only show first names.  So are they coworkers who happen to live in identical buildings directly across from each other?   They didn't meet because they live in the same building- they DON'T live in the same building.  Are they dating?  I don't get that vibe- it seems to me that these two people just realized at some point that they were in the same "race" and motivated each other to work out harder.  But how did that happen?  So confused.

Thursday, May 28, 2020

USPS: Check your Priorities



Look, I know the US Postal Service is under attack right now, and is under attack whenever there's been a Republican in office since the Nixon Administration.  I don't want to pile on, but I just gotta say...

When I see "Memorial Day Holiday," I note that the word "day" appears TWICE.  It doesn't say "week," and it doesn't say "days."  It's a one-day vacation for you, USPS. 

So please explain to me why I haven't seen a postal worker dropping mail off at my house at all this week.  UPS has been here.  FedEx trucks are rolling through the neighborhood.  Amazon keeps showing up.  But official, stamped mail from the US Postal Service?  Apparently, you guys are still on vacation.

Again, it's Memorial DAY.  Not DAYS.  Hope you enjoyed your barbecues which closed out your long weekend.  But it's Thursday now.  Can you start delivering mail again, please, before Independence Day arrives? 

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

"Lily" makes an unasked-for "return" to AT &T



1.  No, you are not "Lily from AT&T."  Your name is Milana Vayntrub.   It took a five second Google search to find that out.  Cut the crap.

2.  "Most stores are still open, but I'm working from home..." you don't work at any AT&T store.  You're a model, comedian, and actress.  You have never worked at an AT&T store, and if you ever do it's because something went horribly wrong in your career.  As it is, you're doing just fine because your income isn't derived from convincing people to trade in perfectly good phones for slightly "better" phones and signing up for long, expensive contracts which don't appear very expensive at the time because they are so long and those monthly payments look so small plus This Phone Will Really Let You Show Well For Your Friends.

3.  Nice house.  Actual employees at actual AT&T stores don't live in houses like that.  Even if they had nice apartments before the pandemic hit, my guess is that they were furnished more modestly than your house is, and that things are getting very tough for them because, frankly, AT&T doesn't need a whole lot of "work from home" sales people.

4.  Seriously, just STFU.

Sunday, May 24, 2020

More fun with Copper!!



Not only does this knee sleeve thing give you "targeted pain relief," but it also has the power to "MAKE you go out and do the things you love."  Wow, that's powerful- does it come with little engines that just compel the wearer to go outside?  How does it know what the wearer loves?  Or is that just being a LITTLE hyperbolic?

My absolute favorite line in this entire commercial comes where we are told that the knee sleeve is "infused with therapeutic copper."  What the hell is "therapeutic copper?"  Why didn't the narrator say "therapeutic GRADE copper?"  Haven't the people who make all this copper crap watched enough Young Living and doTerra Essential Oils sales pitches to know the power of the nonsense phrase "therapeutic grade?"  Maybe it's trademarked?

In any case, why isn't my doctor taking me off my $6000-per-month Humira prescription and giving me an Rx for one of these Therapeutic Copper-Infused Knee Sleeves instead?  Oh right- BIG PHARMA, that's why!!

Saturday, May 23, 2020

Flex Paste: a very, very dangerous product to be selling during a pandemic!



I'm going to come out and admit it right now- if I knew I was going to be stuck at home for the next few months (that is, I knew I wasn't going to be going to Vermont next month for the summer but instead would be in my apartment in Maryland,) I am pretty sure that this product would cause a major alteration to my life.

I'm pretty sure that as soon as I ordered four or five pails of Flex Paste, I'd head off to the Dollar Store and buy several putty knives, a few bags of plastic greenery, and a few boxes of cheap Chinese toys.  Then I'd walk around the neighborhood looking for a card table someone has put out on the street FOR FREE and carry that home, too.  And I'd pile all these goodies into my little spare room, and wait.

When my pails of Flex Paste showed up, oh man would I go to town building my very own Devil's Tower on top of that card table in my little spare room.  I'd spend hours getting the contours just right before decorating it with my fake moss and little green army men or dinosaurs or whatever cheap Chinese toys I grabbed at the Dollar Store.  I'm sure I'd have to order more Flex Paste because it would never be Quite Right.

Meanwhile, I wouldn't notice that I'd grown a beard, was getting super-pale, had 300 unanswered messages in my voice mailbox and hadn't hosted a Zoom Class for weeks and didn't notice the semester had ended.  And that I was wearing the same clothes I had on when the pails of Flex Paste appeared at my doorstop.

And who could blame me?  I don't know if this stuff really seals holes in the wall or fixes roofs or you could build an entire waterproof boat with it, and I don't really care, because why would anyone use this for those purposes when you've got nothing but time on your hands, you have to stay indoors anyway, and there are iconic mountains to recreate in your little spare room?

Alas, I will be gone in a few weeks so I can't really do this stuff justice until this fall, when we get the second deadly wave of COVID-19 because millions of people decided that they were done wearing masks and not going out and that if they just refused to let a deadly virus push them around, they could will it to just Go Away.  So I'm guessing I'll be holding off my order until late October or so, and this will be my winter passion project/obsession.  I just have to remember to make my Flex Paste mountain large enough to be a base for my vintage King Arthur's Castle from West Germany.  And to order more toilet paper between outbreaks.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

CopperWear Mask: What took so long?

 

             
 This has got to be brilliant snark, right?

I mean, this is too easy.  Someone made this just for me to comment on- or to test the gullibility of the American public, which at this point is like testing the ability of ants to tear apart a cupcake on a hot summer's day.

But just in case....let's take a look at the "claims" made by the makers of the CopperWear Mask:

"Disposable masks are now a limited commodity.  That's because you usually have to use a new one every day."

Hate to be a pedant, but actually we usually never have to wear one at all.  We are wearing masks now because of a pandemic.  When it passes, we won't be wearing masks so much anymore.  Unless, of course, our jaw muscles get sore.  Because We All Know how awesome copper is at healing sore muscles....

But here's a Reusable mask with "the properties of copper."  Other than being....ummm....copper-colored, what exactly ARE those properties, anyway?  And even if this ad is specifically aimed at the mouth-breathers who believe that copper has "properties" that are valuable for health reasons, I hope they at least note that the commercial doesn't even claim that these masks CONTAIN copper, just "the properties" of copper.  Whatever those are.

Oh wait, copper thread is "woven into the fabric" using "fiber matrix technology."  I'm guessing that means by using the technology we call a Modern Automated Sewing Machine because...wow.

"The best news is that these masks are available now."  Not that they work to prevent illness, just that they are available.  And look, they can be shipped directly to your door, and placed right there, in front of your door-- just like everything else you order.  And you can use it while you are working on your computer, alone in an office, which either means that not only are you a stupid, frightened sheep and an easy mark for scammers like this, but you also don't know how viruses are transmitted.  You really don't need to wear a mask while typing on a computer all by yourself, dear.

"It covers you nose, mouth and face!"  And now we're all done talking about copper (done before we even got started, in fact, because at no point in this two minutes of Dumb are we told what "properties of copper" are supposed to be important here.)  We've moved on to it being washable/reusable (like plenty of other masks out there) and it's woven (like every cloth mask out there.)  "It can create separation"- will it?  No claims made here, either.  It just CAN.

Plus, it's got the properties of copper.  Not sure we've mentioned that in the last eight seconds.

It's super-comfortable, so you can wear it all day as you stand in front of the most obvious green screens ever.

The rest of this ad is just a repeat of scenes of people dramatically dropping those incredibly expensive (and probably unavailable now anyway) disposable masks into trash cans and then taking their reusable, washable copper-property masks out of dryers, so the only reason to watch the second minute is to get the outrageous price- $29.99 plus shipping and handling.  For a piece of cloth with the undefined properties of copper (I figured it out- the properties it shares with products which claim to contain copper is the inflated expense.)

And here's the punchline, from the ad description on Spotify:  "the mask is said to be infused with the properties of copper and is machine washable."  Talk about an ingenious use of the English language:  not only is there no claim that the mask contains copper, but it's not even claimed that it for sure contains the properties of copper.  It's not even claimed outright that it's MACHINE WASHABLE- it's just "said to be."

Again, this has got to be snark.  Right?  RIGHT?


Monday, May 18, 2020

Get your own Spot the Robot Dog Today!



Look for these improvements to be included in the private-purchase version of Spot the Robot Dog:

1.  It will automatically run up to strangers and knock them down.  Owners will be able to record a message to be played when (not if) this happens which announces "he's just being friendly, he loves people."

2.  It will leave "presents" consisting primarily of oil clumps and just enough digestible fiber to attract insects all over your lawn. 

3.  It will bark repeatedly at falling leaves, passing cars, and basically everything else.  It will respond to your "hush" with up to thirty seconds of silence before repeating its "bark at everything" loop.

4.  It will run around the dinner table at family gatherings barking at a special High Volume to remind you exactly where it is at all times.  The "hush" feature is automatically turned off during these times.

5.  Planned obsolescence is built right in, to provide you with the Full Experience of being a pet owner.  Expect to spent at least $1000 per year on replacement parts.

The very best thing about your Spot the Robot Dog is that when it finally does break down for good, you can just throw it in the trunk alongside your dead lawn mower and bring it to the recycling center for disposal.  No messy vet fees or sad backyard funerals!


Sunday, May 17, 2020

Geico shows us how much the world has changed....



...because as we all know, before we became a nation of Stay at Home-ers and Work Online-ers, nobody was "sharing" anything like Adorable Babies doing Adorable Things, Even More Adorable Pets doing even more Adorable Things.  None of us would have even considered making video clips of us doing anything in the privacy of our own homes and sharing them on YouTube.  What a world COVID-19 has created.  Truly revolutionary.

Ok, enough snark.  If we could be honest with ourselves for a few minutes, we could just admit that every single one of these "because we're stuck at home" video clips could predate the current pandemic by years.  We've been a really stupid, self-absorbed, bored-out-of-our-minds nation for quite some time now. 

And while we're at it, the idea that the virus has turned us into a nation of binge-watchers addicted to Netflix, Hulu etc. is also a pathetic joke.  All COVID-19 has done is given us an excuse to keep doing what a whole lot of us were doing already- sitting on our couches, watching hour after hour of nonsense, occasionally rising to accept the food delivery or grab another soda or beer from the fridge or taking a quick break to post a video on YouTube letting the world know that we're still here, and we're still stupid. 

The conceit that the pandemic is keeping us from doing what we "really want to do" is really the height of self-delusion.  What we "really want to do" is stay home, watch tv, and "stay connected" through phones and our laptops because actual in-person interaction was already becoming passe at LEAST a decade ago.  Want proof?  Just wait till this thing is over- there will be a spike in movie theater attendance, visits to parks, restaurants, beaches and gyms, and then....most of us will just go back to what we were doing before, which as it turned out was engaging in intensive training for life in a bomb shelter.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

MakeSpace Commercials should come with Parental Guidance Suggested warnings



Eventually, the woman in this ad got sick of watching the guy in this ad systematically destroy everything they worked so hard to achieve, with immaculate planning, one step at a time, and hired a professional moving and storing company for Reasons.

I mean, look at the two scenes we're given here.  In the first, she's carrying out her very carefully planned removal of the body of a noisy neighbor in the middle of the night, and all she needs is just a little help from her dim bulb male accomplice to get the corpse down the back staircase in a coffin purchased with cash from a thrift shop in another state, slip it into their Subaru Hatchback, and drive an hour to a state park closed due to COVID-19 so they can slide the box into the deserted lake (after weighing it down, of course.)

The guy completely messes up his ONE CONTRIBUTION to the master plan, NATURALLY.

In an attempt to make up for his ridiculous bungling, the guy offers to dig up all the corpses in the back yard, stuff them into the cardboard boxes they've been saving up from the four-times-daily-Amazon purchases which have been arriving since the Stay at Home order was initiated, and find a canyon nearby to dump and burn them.  What he didn't tell her was that he was going to try to transfer all 23 victims all at once, leading to an hysterical accident on the way to the canyon as the boxes overburdened with bodies and odor-killing baking soda fell off and spilled into the street.  This guy can't do ANYTHING right.

I guess these two messes were cleaned up, because we then move to an unrelated scene where they've gone to visit their empty box collection at the nearby U-Store It and the guy decides he wants to go swimming in the boxes for some reason.  I don't know, it's really weird.

In the end, the woman here realizes that if she keeps asking her husband to try to do stuff he'll probably end up dying too early- that is, before that massive insurance policy she talked him into buying matures- so she decides they should do all of their moving and storage by using this professional MakeSpace service.  It's a rather odd way to end what was to this point a really graphic, horrifying commercial, but ok.


Friday, May 15, 2020

Nobody asked for this, Progressive. Nobody.



Yes, this is very topical.  Everyone's doing this these days.  Nobody likes doing it, and everyone hopes that it's over sooner rather than later.

That being said, nobody misses any of these Progressive Insurance spokeschoads.  Especially Flo.  Nobody is going through Flo withdrawals; that is, no one is REALLY going through Flo withdrawals, though if you scroll down the comments you'll see that there are people out there willing to pretend to love these ads for nickels. 

BTW, Zoom meetings are generally carried out to make it easier for actual teams of workers to remain in communication during the Age of Social Isolation.  None of this is demonstrated during this Progressive Ad- it's just the usual cadre of idiots blathering nonsense about nothing.  Maybe Progressive wants to give us a Taste of Normalcy, since this is all we expect from Progressive commercials even when we aren't in the middle of a pandemic.

The Geico Gecko is wearing a mask during a commercial in 3.....2......1.......

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

I have three questions for Chuck Woolery as well (or More fun from the United States Money Reserve of non-Money)



1.  "What's the United States Money Reserve, and why did it intentionally choose a name designed to con the soft-headed into believing that it's an official branch of the US Government?" (Connected question:  Why is the fact that it's NOT connected to the US Government presented in a font impossible to read unless one has a tv screen the size of a football field?)

2.  "The current price of gold is just over $1750 per ounce.  Why would anyone pay $189 for one-tenth of an ounce of gold (plus shipping and handling) from the company you're pimping for?  Because it looks pretty?  Because it looks like a coin (but isn't?) 

3.  "What are you doing in this ad?  Joe Namath beat you out for the gig pimping non-Medicare old age 'insurance?'  Decide that you weren't doing anything with your soul so you might as well sell it to the highest bidder?  What?"


Saturday, May 9, 2020

Totally Tonal-deaf



The Stock Market is still down almost 20% from its highs of  only two months ago, when thousands upon thousands of terrified people cashed out their 401(k)s to make sure they had SOME money to live on.  The Unemployment rate is almost 15%.  Millions of Americans are scared to death that even when the Lock Down and Stay at Home orders are lifted, the jobs they counted on to pay their mortgage and kids' college funds and health care and just to put food on the table simply won't be there anymore.

But hell, let's not worry about that- let's focus on this new piece of technology that deals with a REALLY urgent matter:  How are rich white people going to keep up their exercise routine?

This monstrosity STARTS at $2995.  And that's before the monthly workout subscriptions.  But let's face it, this isn't aimed at people who are at all concerned about anything like Money.  More like people who are bored with their daily Peloton sessions and are looking for a little variety before ending the day with a soak in the hot tub.  And bonus- this thing has a small footprint, so you can set it up right next to that Peloton bike, not that floor space is any more of an issue for the customers of this obscenity than its price is.

Because its the kind of exercise that fits MY budget, I'm heading out for another walk into a world I hate just a little bit more thanks to this commercial.


Friday, May 8, 2020

Grubhub's Lame Guilt Trip



"Restaurants.....are our family."

Whose family?  Grubhub's?  If that's what this commercial is saying, don't you actually mean "Reason we Exist" or "Way we make money?"  If by "our" you mean "America's," well....that's a problem, too.  When I visit a family member and have a meal, I'm not expected to pay for it.  When I make something for a family member, I don't hand them a bill or expect a tip.  Because, you know, Family.  How the hell is any business my "family?"

"...and our family needs help."  Again with the vague language.  I can totally understand if Grubhub sees Restaurants as their family they would say their family needs help- restaurants are in trouble, which means Grubhub is in trouble.  Grubhub can't deliver for family members- errr, restaurants- that are out of business.  And if restaurants are "the cornerstones of our communities" (at this point, I've given up trying to figure out who the "our" is) well, it's totally bad that they need help. 

"Right now they're facing a crisis, and they're counting on your takeout and delivery orders to help them through."  Ok now, we've cut to the chase.  Restaurants are suffering from dramatic losses in revenue due to the Stay at Home orders and the mandated closing of dining rooms.  To survive financially, they really, really need for us to keep "eating out" by ordering takeout and delivery food.  Oh by the way it sure would help if we used Grubhub too, btw- because Restaurants are Family, and Grubhub is the way we can kind of enjoy our Family without having to visit it, which actually does sound kind of attractive.

So the bottom line:  Grubhub wants to remind us that we have Family Responsibilities that don't end just because we can't go out to eat.  Sorry, but we don't get to use the Social Distancing excuse to avoid visiting our Families, because our Families still need our money, just like Always.  If anything, we should be spending more of our money on those Family members who make food in exchange for our money.  And it just makes it extra-special-family time if we employ Grubhub to transfer all that Togetherness that Looks a Lot like Food from them to us. 

Oh, by the way?  Doesn't really matter that most of us aren't making extra money just because we can't visit our Families.  Doesn't matter that many of us are actually hurting financially right now.  Pick up that phone, go online, do whatever you need to do to Stay in Touch with your Family and arrange to give them some money, because they are really Hurting right now.  Just do it.   You have to.  IT'S FAMILY!

Monday, May 4, 2020

Zales "Our Love is a Diamond" ad: Once again, it's all about the rock



"Our love is so unique, so special, so different. that we decided to celebrate it in the most corporate-approved manner possible.  We bought a diamond."

"Um, what?  Who is this 'We?'  I bought you a diamond, because you said that even though you loved me more than anyone you had ever loved ever, and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, you weren't going anywhere near an actual legal commitment until you got a rock.  Which I paid for.  ME.  With MY money."

"Our love is a diamond!"

"What the hell does that even mean?  Our love is a cold, hard piece of suffocated coal?"

"Look how it sparkles!  It's a celebration of our love!"

"It's a celebration of pointless excess that sets our house-purchasing fund back about two months."

"Two months?  Only two months?  Why you dirty, cheap little...you went to ZALES, didn't you!!"

"I knew I should have switched boxes."

Saturday, May 2, 2020

Hempvana, the latest "pain relief" BS not being sold by your local MLM hunbot



Aching joints? Painful muscles?  Well, if you've already tried all of the 46,782 "pain relief" creams, ointments and patches available at your local CVS, why not take advantage of This Amazing OfferTM and order some of this junk?

It's different because it has 100% more oil from the seeds of the Cannabis Sativa Plant (that's an actual quote from the commercial.)  100% more than what?  Um, well, I'm guessing 100% more from actual pain medications that don't include any oil from the Cannabis Sativa Plant.  Hey, that was simple.

Hempvana Gold combines an "FDA listed pain relief ingredient" (that's another actual quote, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.)  What IS this ingredient?  Well, we aren't told, but the caption on the screen says "10% Trolamine Salicylate per FDA Monograph!"  Yes, the exclamation point is included, which makes me feel so foolish I'm just going to pretend to know what that means and that it's super-impressive obviously.  Mission accomplished, Hempvana.

It's got cold-pressed hemp oil from the seeds of that plant mentioned earlier, which I guess distinguishes it from other hemp oil that isn't cold pressed or doesn't come from the same seeds.  Anyway, it's so effective that all you have to do if you experience sharp pain while jogging is to stop, rub some on your knee, and you're on your way.  That's how impressive this stuff is.  Probably because it's cold pressed.  And it's got that stuff the FDA listed.  Both things are important, I'm guessing.

It works by "blocking nerve transmissions."  You know, like Tylenol, or Ben Gay.  But it isn't either of those things, because it has 100% more oil than either of those things.  It's different.

Here's a retired NFL player you've never heard of standing on what looks like a High School football field talking about how it really helps him do whatever he's doing nowadays.   As if I wasn't sold already.

"The secret is the combination of Science and Nature."  I know how to translate that line, but just in case I didn't, they do it for us, right away.  The "Science" part is in that little bit of FDA-listed pain relief medication that I'm guessing is found in all over-the-counter pain relieving creams.  The "Nature" part is the woo factor that appeals to our Holistic "look to the trees" side (you know, the really stupid, gullible side) and which also "justifies" the ridiculous price.  Put it another way- the Nature part makes the product unique.  The Science part makes the ad legal.   Also- in the next few seconds of the ad, it sounds for all the world like the only purpose of the seeds is to make the product "absorb quickly."  Which pretty much convinces me that the ONLY medication in this junk is the trace amount of "FDA-listed" pain reliever. 

(Oh, and here's a guy writing what looks like a chemical formula on an actual chalkboard.  He's wearing a white coat, and that's real chalk he's using.  Looks legit to me.)

Anyway, the ad goes on a little longer but basically just repeats itself, so I'll skip to the punchline:  there's another ad for this same product on Youtube in which the narrator knocks down the claims of similar products with the same ingredients as false.  The DIFFERENCE with Hempvana Gold is that it has DOUBLE the amount of oil as those other Much More Expensive Junk Products.  So basically, "that stuff doesn't work, and it costs a fortune.  Our product is exactly the same, but we use more Woo, and it's cheaper, so...um....it DOES work." 

Well, sorry, Hempvana, but if it's not being sold by an old High School Friend who found my name on Facebook and who also thinks I'd totally kill it selling this stuff myself, I'm not interested.  And I'm speaking as someone who actually does suffer from chronic knee pain being treated with actual medicine- your target audience.  Get back to me when you're ready to include me in your downline.






Friday, May 1, 2020

Charles Schwab's Valentine to Himself



Charles Schwab starts this great big wet sloppy kiss aimed directly at his own posterior by telling us he was born in 1937, a "very bad time...with a Depression...." yes, indeed it was a very bad time, Mr Schwab-- one that you don't remember, since it was over before you were four years old.  Being born in 1937 doesn't make you a Depression baby.  You had to live it.  My parents lived it.  You didn't.

"What my generation went through....all the wars...." and now we see scenes from V-E day or V-J day.  Well, maybe you faintly remember something about World War II, Mr Schwab.  But you didn't fight in it, and you didn't really live it.  So I don't know what this has to do with "your" generation.  When you were a teenager, you attended a private prep school on your way to Stanford and Fraternity Life.  I mean, I'm not going to blame you for not fighting in the Pacific or Europe when you were a kid, but jeesh what's all this "we" crap?  From what I can see on your Wiki page, you actually had a pretty damned privileged youth.

Oh, and now it gets even worse.  This was a time when there was this awful disease called polio, but "we" came up with a vaccine for it.  Well, one of "us' did, anyway.  His name was Jonas Salk, and he was born 23 years before you were (not in your generation) and he didn't end up with a net worth of $8 billion despite doing a bit more for humanity than you (in my humble opinion, at least.)

While some of "his generation" were going off to fight in Vietnam or protest against it, Mr Schwab was starting Commander Industries and publishing a newsletter concerning more important subjects like money, making money, making more money, investing money, and money.   Eventually Commander Industries became Charles Schwab Inc and its president and founder was a multi-millionaire before his 35th birthday.

The rest is history....oh wait, no, it's not.  History was something other members of his generation were doing, while he was devoting his life to building a gigantic pile of cash to park his aging butt on.  I don't see a lot of ads celebrating all those people who sacrificed and fought and died and protested and achieved to make society a little more bearable for everyone, so I guess this is the best I can hope for:  Charles Schwab, multi-billionaire who made a fortune manipulating other people's money, waxing poetic about sacrifice and perseverance while showing us blurry old films in between reminding us to "keep on keeping on" because after all, he might not die with $9 billion if we take our eyes off the prize.  His generation, which gave and accomplished so much, is counting on us after all.