Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Monday, December 28, 2020
1. The doofus customer is outnumbered by the two employees 2-1 in the AT&T store, marking the first time in history that the customers have not outnumbered employees by at LEAST 15-1. He also has TWO employees providing him information about this "new" service being offered (I don't know what it is, and I don't care.) This is so reality-bending, my brain will break if I don't quickly move on....
2. This guy is INSTANTLY so taken by an "offer" which isn't even described in terms of conditions, price etc. that he whips out THE PHONE HE ALREADY HAS and calls his MOTHER. Worse, he tells these two women that he's calling his MOTHER. Which makes me almost want to go back and revisit my first issue with this stupid smoking pile of putrid dumb of an ad.
3. This guy is on the phone for all of FOUR SECONDS, but that was enough time for him to realize that he called the wrong number, the name of the guy he reached, AND that the guy he reached "sounded really excited" and he's "on his way here now." Um, excuse me, but I had to go chase down my brain, which had hopped out of my skull and was making a mad dash for the door. No, buddy. Just NO. You are using a cell phone which presumably has your mother's number saved in Contacts. Kind of makes it hard to "dial a wrong number." You did NOT have time to get a response from the guy you inexplicably accidentally called, let alone that the guy is "excited" and "on his way." Why you be lyin', bro?
4. Lily breaks the fourth wall in the most uncomfortable, awkward way I've ever seen in a tv commercial. She looks like she wants to scream "save me from my AT&T contract, NBC wants to sign me to a sitcom and if I do this much longer I'll be typecast out of existence!" She seriously looks like she's in pain. But compared to her...
5. Lily's Black FriendTM- who needed a chunk of her sales pitch to the doofus customer to be whitesplained by Lily- is even more awkward, giving a nervous "that's all we got, I have no idea what to do next" desperate shrug like she wants nothing more on Earth than to hear "cut" so she can step off the set and have herself a good, long cry. Like the one I have pretty much every time this commercial shows up on my tv, which is roughly 6 times an hour during football games.
Sunday, December 27, 2020
Saturday, December 26, 2020
Friday, December 25, 2020
Thursday, December 24, 2020
Sunday, December 20, 2020
Saturday, December 19, 2020
Friday, December 18, 2020
Monday, December 14, 2020
Sunday, December 13, 2020
Saturday, December 12, 2020
Friday, December 11, 2020
Sears Automotive Center Commercial from the age before Computers slowed down the process to the glacial level
Monday, December 7, 2020
Sunday, December 6, 2020
Saturday, December 5, 2020
Friday, December 4, 2020
Tuesday, December 1, 2020
Sunday, November 29, 2020
Saturday, November 28, 2020
Friday, November 27, 2020
Thursday, November 26, 2020
Monday, November 23, 2020
Sunday, November 22, 2020
Saturday, November 21, 2020
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Every time I turn around, there's another cheap piece of crap with the word "tac" tacked on to it (hey, that works...) Tac lights, Tac Sunglasses, Tac portable chargers....and now "Tac Shavers." As a very intelligent YouTube commentator (now that's a rarity) noted, we seem to be living in an era where just adding the letters "tac" to the As Seen on TV product is supposed to turn it from junk to Must-Have.
Because you never know when you'll be submerged in a swimming pool and suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to shave.
Because you can't be asked to find time to shave while you're actually at home, so you need this thing sitting in your glove compartment so you can run it over your face while stuck in traffic or sitting in the parking lot of a box store or wherever.
Because your last ounce of awareness that you're living in a society died a long time ago (around the time you had that $5000 earthquake-causing Suburbs-Shattering sound system installed in your car because everyone within 20 miles should know the kind of music you like listening to at 2 AM) and you just don't give a flying damn what anyone thinks of you anymore. It's why you don't care if the people in the next lane see you shaving with one hand and staring at your cell phone with the other while you're supposed to be paying attention to the road (last week, a guy on the beltway was cruising along in the center lane at 30 MPH while propping a tablet against the steering wheel. Because FU world, I guess.)
Because you think "made with the needs of the military in mind" is a great argument to buy anything. The customers of this product AREN'T in the military. They don't need to be able to shave while standing in the pouring rain- I doubt they ever even need to shave while submerged in water. I mean, what soldier is going to find himself in that situation and think "I need a shave?" anyway?
Set your alarm 5 minutes earlier and shave your fricking face in your fricking house with a regular, house-bound razor, you morons.
Thursday, November 19, 2020
Watching this commercial for the first time, I really thought that one of two things was going to happen:
A. The extremely uncomfortable-looking groom would admit that he desperately needed to urinate and excuse himself. Seriously, the guy looks like he's going to explode and that the act of simply standing there is downright painful.
B. The bride, having taken a good, long look at her intended (perhaps for the first time?) realizes that he looks like a dyspeptic mannequin who looks about as enthusiastic about this whole thing as a miner entering the shaft elevator at 5 AM and maybe the MRS degree isn't worth what she thought it was.
Either way, when the sassy black woman delivers the punchline, we are supposed to think it's HI-larious. That part I know for SURE.
Sunday, November 15, 2020
(This is the kind of ad that makes me almost look forward to the Lexus December to Remember season that is about to descend on us....hard. Almost.)
At this point it should no longer surprise me that this insufferable wall of noise, blurred images and self-congratulatory garbage is followed by drooling morons posting "I love this ad" in the comments. It's just par for the course these days: put together an expensive minute or so of flashy, shiny junk, give it a soundtrack, slap it on tv and pay the bleating sheep a nickel a post to tell you how awesome it is and especially how much they adore and need need need the song that's attached to it.
Meanwhile, this steaming pile of manipulative crud is topped off with what looks for all the world like a guy racing his blue Acura to run down a woman tied to the train tracks before the train can finish the job. I seriously have no idea what his plan was once he got to the tracks- it's like he's playing a video game and running over the girl is worth 250 points and an additional life. And don't even get me started on how the woman he "saves" ends up the driver....because I don't want to think about this noxious nonsense anymore. Jesus Acura, just show the damn car sitting in a dealership somewhere. We already know that if you push the gas pedal, it will go forward. We already know that if you turn the steering wheel, it will make the car go in different directions. I know that a couple of film art majors are super-proud of this commercial, but that doesn't mean I'm required to appreciate it. It's an f--ing car ad for an f--ng overpriced luxury automobile, period. Get the hell over yourself.
Saturday, November 14, 2020
I mean, if the bucket is going to include gigantic pieces of nothing that looks like KFC which also remains overflowing no matter how many pieces are removed from it, that bucket might as well start talking because the commercial is already off the rails when it comes to realism. Not to mention the gigantic piles of potatoes and gravy and five-inch tall biscuits that are practically falling off the plate. Not to mention the dad agreeing that the $50 or so worth of food we see on the table is "a lot better than microwave hot dogs," which may be true but it's not like those are the only two dinner choices available to anyone. If you're going to include all that, a talking bucket is downright ordinary.
(I do like how, in one scene, two people are excitedly talking in the background instead of daring to attack the enormous mountain of chicken which absolutely dominates the screen- it looks more like a barrel than a bucket in MOST of this ad. And the beautifully choreographed scene where the kid is clearly waiting for his cue to reach for a piece of not-chicken. Seriously, was that the best take you could get, KFC?)
Thursday, November 12, 2020
I actually managed to get through this ridiculous, overwrought, played-out-way-before-its-over self-congratulatory pile of steaming feces on the first try, even after realizing thirty seconds in it was going to just be another "we've got a budget and a minute and a half to fill, so let's spend that money and fill that time with insulting levels of dumb" commercial.
Woah....I just realized I said so much in the first run-on sentence paragraph, I really don't have any more to add. Except that I lost count how many times this ad was about to end but then was padded out even more with unnecessary dialogue and repetitive WE GET IT button pushing and key-turning (how many times can you act like you're "ready" to do something and act like you are "doing" something which just leads to doing something else? At least three, according to this ad.) Oh, and that I'm even more appalled than usual with the comments. What is WITH you people?
Saturday, November 7, 2020
The last thing I need from you is the portrayal of a greasy Eurotrash white suburban family which cruises around in a freaking Volvo compared to the people who worked from dawn to dusk in the mills. Give us a fricking break.
Oh, wait, maybe I'm being unfair. Let's see- both this family and the mill family wake up before dawn. Sure, one does that to make Espresso and get the children up, cleaned, clothed and off to school while the other ate last night's leftover scraps before trudging off for another 12-hour day surrounded by the incessant noise and cotton or coal dust of the mill, but that's just splitting hairs. Sure, one family bundles into the Volvo while the other walks through the dark morning to the factory gates, but again- splitting hairs. Sure, one will get two days out of every seven off for rest and relaxation from their office jobs while the other worked on average 6 and a half days per week at grindingly hard, dangerous work, but AGAIN I need to stop being so pedantic. This really is an Apples to Apples comparison here, really.
So I'm going to stop being infuriated at the comparison of a wealthy family living in luxury in the American suburbs to the masses of half-starved, overworked, underpaid, oft-injured laborers who shook off sickness, weariness and a heavy sense of helplessness to get to the mill every morning to put food on the table. After all, that first family owns a Volvo, not a Lexus or Audi. Hard times in the mill, indeed.
Friday, November 6, 2020
I just have one question about this "amazing" tape/not tape product which allegedly can be used in place of wall-ruining tape and nails to do everything from hanging portraits to cementing bowls on to high chairs and fixing furniture in place: Is it a "permanent solution," or is it not?
Watch this commercial very carefully. Again and again, we're told how powerful this stuff is at holding things wherever you want to put them. Several times the words THIS IS A PERMANANT SOLUTION shows up on the screen. But at the same time, we're told that it's completely removable ("just twist and remove.") That doesn't sound like much of a "permanent solution." You can't have it both ways, Alien Tape! Is this stuff that I can use to mount my 500-lb Rembrandt to the wall of my one-bedroom apartment, knowing that it will stay in place for ever and ever (that's what "permanent solution" means, right?) Or am I at risk of knocking it off the wall if I bump into it, causing the material to "twist" slightly?
It's really easy to miss that "this is a permanent solution" line, as it's never uttered, and meanwhile we keep being shown people making adjustments to the stuff that's been mounted with Alien Tape, including taking them completely down so we can see how the wall isn't damaged by the tape because "it's not an adhesive." It's really easy to see people just buying this stuff, using it to mount something on their wall, seeing it's crooked- and not being able to budge it because THIS IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION, just like the small print in the commercial said but the narrator never did. It's a lot easier to believe that this stuff doesn't actually work at all, and that expensive thing you mounted falls down and breaks in the middle of the night. Which is why I'm sticking to good old poster putty when I mount my Rembrandts. But seriously, what the hell is going on here, Alien Tape? Are you trying to get people to cement things to their walls, or get their priceless shower shelves broken, or what?
Wednesday, November 4, 2020
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In the bizarro world of AT&T, salespeople sit down with potential customers of comfy couches to discuss the benefits of the product as if they are in a Charles Schwab office ready to go over portfolio options. I'm pretty sure we don't see anything like this in real life, where purchasing a phone and plan is far more likely to involve punching your name into a display and then waiting for your turn to talk to a twentysomething kid who will continue to juggle four customers while also giving you a twenty-second tutorial on why this new package isn't exactly the deal you heard about on TV because your FICA score is under 780.
It's also a world where being able to watch something called HBO Max on a tiny screen if you are already a subscriber is seen as an attractive feature. Because being able to watch prime cable tv shows while squinting at a little box in your hand is something everyone really demands from their phone plan these days. It's such an attractive feature, in fact, that Everyone's Favorite Spokeschoad will be interrupted by a blast of theme music every time she attempts to talk about it. Boy does THAT get old quick.
Sunday, November 1, 2020
Carl Sagan is spinning in his grave.
Seriously. The Jeep ad that has been running all day today is not this one. Instead, it features people driving jeeps in deserts, crashing them through forests, fording streams, jumping rocks, and basically doing everything possible to increase their carbon footprint for absolutely no reason other than Because We Can Cause Check Out This Jeep.
And then we get this "Jeep Cares about Climate Change" manipulative twee. Lifting a recording from a true legend in about a dozen different disciplines including the environment. To sell a freaking combustion engine gas-guzzling toy to Suburbanites with money burning holes in their pockets and (let's face it) a bad case of Midlife Crisis.
Total fail, Jeep.
Saturday, October 31, 2020
Yeah, I know it must be a real pain to stick your finger to check your blood sugar. When I'm at home on vacation I do this for my dad every day, and it hurts just to watch when I push that little button that sticks a tack into one of his fingers. Plus, I have never even once managed to extract the little needle from the delivery system without getting stuck with it myself. If my dad had an infectious illness I would have caught it years ago.
But I'm not sure I'd think it much of an improvement to stick what looks like one of those anti-shoplifting devices on your arm and then wear short sleeves so everyone on the planet can see you've got blood glucose issues- not that the people in these ads are at all interested in being discreet anyway, always just pausing during activities to check their blood sugar (seriously, what the hell? Did they used to pause during biking to stick their fingers? What compelled this woman to just stop riding in circles for a moment and check her blood sugar? Just because she could, without sticking her finger with a pin? I mean, come on.)
Friday, October 30, 2020
1. I think this woman's immediate reaction should be to get that blouse off and under running water before the stain sets instead of drugging herself, but that's just me.
2. I don't blame this guy for immediately offering his life partner a cup of holistic woo the moment he sees that she might be upset about something. I wonder what he thought she'd so if he didn't instantly medicate her with a cup of dissolved powder. But I guess he knows, and that that's all that mattered. Gotta protect that kid, after all.
3. This woman looks like she's a professional on her way to an important job when she gets her blouse defaced by her spawn. Her spouse looks like he's on his way to absolutely nothing but has all the time in the world to stir himself up another cup of warm Nothing that he bought from the local store's Not Actually Drugs aisle. This guy has Stay at Home Dad written all over him. Not that there's anything wrong with being a stay at home dad. It just kind of rubs me the wrong way to think that he's spending money his spouse brings into the house on holistic BS. Get your act together, you idiot. Because
4. This woman could do better than this ugly dweeb living in the house she obviously paid for. Rinse that blouse in cold water RIGHT NOW, change, and go to work. And after work, don't go straight home to this. Go out and have drinks with friends instead. Talk to them about what happened this morning. And get ready to watch them glance at each other, roll their eyes, reach across the table, gently take your hand in theirs, and let you know that they've been waiting for you to wake up for years and now it's time to have a very serious conversation about your next steps.
Thursday, October 29, 2020
"Hi, I'm Lily, a spokeschoad whose job depends on pitching AT&T products to the slobbering masses. What can I do for you?"
"Hi Lily, I'm an idiot consumer talking to you on a Zoom call because I guess that's how things get done these days. Because I'm an idiot, I'm going to ask you, a person whose paycheck depends on my opening my wallet and let your company suck out its contents, if I should be getting excited about a product you want me to be excited about. Should I be excited about 5G?"
"Hi idiot customer. Here's my answer- are you a loser?"
"No, I'm not a loser. I just act like one on AT&T commercials."
"Ok, idiot customer- then the answer is yes. You should be getting VERY excited about 5G, because we want you to be excited about it, and give us your money. What's your next stupid question, idiot?"
"Sorry- I had to blink for a minute, and wipe the drool from my mouth. Should I run to AT&T right now and buy this thing you're selling?"
"Wow, you really are stupid. Why are we even still on this call? Why aren't you already on your way to the store? Don't forget your wallet, stupid."
"Wait...that was mean. You shouldn't be rude....what were we talking about again?"
"Sourdough bread. Because 16 seconds into this 42-second commercial, we're all done talking about this 'service' we're selling. Get moving, Drooling Sheep."
Sunday, October 25, 2020
Seems to me that if Aaron Rodgers has his own personal State Farm agent who shadows him throughout his life, never leaving his side, watching his every move and answering any questions he might have about his insurance coverage- and is not paying one dime than anyone else who also owns all this property protected by State Farm insurance and does NOT have his very own personal State Farm agent standing by 24/7, well then he IS getting a Rodgers Rate.
Can anyone explain these stupid ads to me? Why does State Farm assign a rotating cast of insurance agents to hang out with Aaron Rodgers? Why would Aaron Rodgers want this? And how could this NOT cost more than an insurance company that is just there at the other end of the phone if you actually need to file a claim or ask a question? The implication here is that Rodgers expects his insurance company to provide a brown-nosing, grinning little bodyguard/toady as well as coverage. I mean, what the hell?
Saturday, October 24, 2020
Sorry to be so dark, but seriously- if these people don't get a hold of their obvious weight issues, they are going to die. They need to get off that couch and stay off it, and maybe spend more time in the fresh fruits and veggies section of their local Walmart and less in the frozen food and bags of salty fatty crap sections.
I mean, you've got this nice house in the suburbs plus that son to look after. That ought to be motivation enough to stop slouching in front of the tv and get back on those bikes.
Thursday, October 22, 2020
1. Why didn't you train your dog not to do stupid crap like this? I'm sure your neighbors are just thrilled with the eyesore it creates all over your lawn. This is "adorable" to exactly two people- you idiots. Your neighbors are wishing you'd consider moving. Or training your dog.
2. Why are you talking to that dog like it can understand what you're saying? That dog has a brain the size of a rotten apple and with the wattage of key ring light. It knows that you make a sound sometimes that somehow refers to it and sometimes results in food appearing. It doesn't know what "keys" are or why you are sending sound waves at it.
3. Why is your "answer" to this problem to simply leave your dog on the lawn? You guys are morons. Thank you for not living near me :>)
Monday, October 19, 2020
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How to control your blood pressure:
1. Get more exercise. For example, you could mop that floor faster, so you can get back to stocking shelves. You could step up your walking pace, perhaps by ambushing more customers and guiding them to the cheap junk on those freshly-stocked shelves.
2. Smile more. Get that look off your face that just screams "I want to die" as you ring up your customers. When you greet customers, don't tell them with your expression that you had no idea how very small those Social Security payments actually would be and how you'd rather be anywhere else but at the front entrance of your local Walmart.
3. Stop thinking about how much your blood pressure medication costs, because that's not your employer's problem. You should be grateful he even Gave You A JobTM. After all, Times are ToughTM. And when you go to vote next month, remember that Raising the Minimum Wage Causes Unemployment to RiseTM.
4. No, scheduling you for regular, consistent hours would NOT help your blood pressure issues. That's a myth.
5. No, paying you a living wage would NOT help your blood pressure issues. Again, myth.
Sunday, October 18, 2020
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(But you'd better answer that doorbell quick, because every second that goes by with those Obvious Blue Bags sitting at your front door is just screaming to your neighbors that you buy your groceries from Walmart.)
If you get this excited at a delivery from Walmart, Social Distancing has really taken a damaging toll on your psyche. And all you have to get all this unlimited free delivery of products which represent the death of small businesses in the United States is sign up for a membership. Might as well- you were at your laptop anyway.
And hey, you're giving a delivery guy a job, at least temporarily anyway. Don't forget the 50lb bags of dog food and cases of soda. He doesn't mind. He's lucky to have a job, after all.
Saturday, October 17, 2020
So this guy has a date over for dinner. He cooks the dinner, I guess to show off his skills in the kitchen. This is a smart move. It's the only smart move he makes in the entire commercial. Everything else he does is completely, totally, budding-relationship-ending WRONG.
1. He infantilizes his date by putting the food on the plate himself and carrying it in from the kitchen instead of just putting the ingredients on the table and letting her help herself. She's an adult- she can't decide how much she wants? He has to decide her portion size for her? He really should not be doing this, ESPECIALLY since
2. He puts a RIDICULOUS amount of food on that plate. I mean, seriously. He wants her to enjoy the food. Maybe he wants to show her that he dismisses retrograde notions of "lady portions." But does he want her to eat until she's uncomfortable. Because, again- that's a LOT of food on that plate.
3. He does some stupid little dance on the way in from the kitchen. I don't know what that is, but....we don't want to see it, and I find it hard to believe that she does, either. I know you're trying to make a big deal out of all of this, buddy, but...come on. That's spaghetti and meatballs you're serving up. Maybe it's your specialty, or maybe it's an old family recipe. It's still just spaghetti and meatballs.
4. This is the big one. I can't believe I, a person who has a date roughly every Leap Year, has to point this out, but....you have a woman over for dinner. That's pretty intimate. Nobody does this on a first date- this comes after several dates in public places. This is getting serious. But you've managed to reach this level in the relationship, and you....serve dinner on CHEAP PAPER PLATES???
OH MY GOD MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PAPER PLATES? Why don't you just come out and TELL this woman "I like you, but not enough to wash a freaking dish for?" You are in your OWN HOUSE, you aren't at a camp site or even on the freaking patio. YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. YOU ARE SERVING A FANCY DINNER to a woman who agreed to COME TO YOUR HOUSE. YOU USE ACTUAL PLATES IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!
Seriously, is this guy related to that jackass in the Downy commercials who wears a ragged t-shirt to a first date? I guess we should be grateful that guys like this are willing to reveal their unsuitability as life partners early on and are therefore less likely to successfully bequeath their DNA to another generation, but jeeeesh....this is just sad.
And then he blames the cheap paper plates for ruining his date. Um, no, buddy. Sorry, but NO. You use plates meant for kid's birthday parties and built to carry slices of cake or a hot dog to attempt the transportation of 2 pounds of hot spaghetti and meatballs? That's on you. And if you never see that nice woman again, it's your loss and very much her gain. She can do much, much better.
Friday, October 16, 2020
You managed to create a commercial that gives me a headache no matter how I experience it- if I turn the sound off and just watch= Headache. If I just listen to it without watching= Headache. Hell, I'm neither listening to it or watching it right now, and I'm getting a headache from the MEMORY of it.
No wonder the Comments are turned off on this one. Just another obnoxious BUY THIS THING ITS SLIGHTLY NEWER THAN THE ONE YOU JUST BOUGHT commercial by one of the most obnoxious companies on the planet (and, yet, maybe not even the most obnoxious company on the planet that starts with the letter "A." How weird is that?)
Thursday, October 15, 2020
The title of this nonsense slideshow clickbait BS is "if you own Any of these VHS Tapes, you can Retire!" But with the very first "slide," you realize that this is simply inaccurate (an inaccurate clickbaity title? HERESY!) In fact, the first three examples of "valuable" VHS tapes are reportedly going for $20 each. I can retire on $20?
I managed a video rental store in the late 1980s, and I recognize probably 90 percent of the titles listed here. I personally sold dozens of copies of E.T. when it was released on VHS and remember setting up the display stand and taking pre-orders. When the store closed down in late-1990 we sold our entire inventory and one customer purchased every single item in our Disney collection- probably fifty tapes- for $5 each. Judging from the title of this nonsensical "news story," he would be in position to make himself a multimillionaire now, right?
I only looked at the first ten items here, and adding up their value comes to about $3000. I don't know how long this list is, but unless it extends into the hundreds, or includes one So Rare It Probably Doesn't Actually Exist tape, there's no way it all adds up to money you can "retire" on. But because the article referenced something that pressed a nostalgia button, it got me to click and give it a partial going-over, so mission accomplished, I guess?
(BTW, I'm sure that if I go through my parents' storage area I can find several of these items- I know, for example, that I got a copy of E.T. for myself when it was released. But I'll wait until I retire before putting it on the market- after all, it's sure to be worth a lot more than Night at the Movies-level money by then, right? Like, Actual Retirement-level money?
Monday, October 12, 2020
Just slap some cheap color "art" on to $2 bills and sell it to the same people who mount Trump flags to their pickups and stocked up on Trumpy Bears and love wearing their If This Shirt Offends You Learn Some History Confederate flag T-shirts and spending evenings looking at their Lock Her Up Commemorative Coins.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the gullibility of the American Public- Mark Twain, among others. I'd add that plenty of the members of that gullible public are perfectly happy to go broke if they can Annoy the Libs along the way to the poor house. You can bet that when they get there, they'll be leaning heavily on their Social Security, Affordable Health Care coverage, and all those other Socialist programs that continue to destroy America because the China Virus and the Post Office conspired to bring down the Bestest President Ever in November, 2020.
Sunday, October 11, 2020
1. No gloves being used in the handling of the food.
2. The food is unwrapped as it sails down the bar, past g-d knows how many people.
3. It passes at least ONE person because that phone it "dodges" isn't sitting there drinking by itself.
4. It stops at a pack of (also uncovered) French Fries and a soda which I guess was sent flying down the bar ahead of time. Not sure why that happened.
This would be a stupid commercial WITHOUT taking into account the Illness that Shall Not Be Named. It's downright criminal these days.
Saturday, October 10, 2020
I'm sorry, but if you need to jump on some "Fidelity Investments Dashboard" when you get up every morning, then your life has become one endless obsession with money and you really need to reassess your priorities.
I remember reading somewhere that the people who have the happiest lives and comfortable retirements are the ones who use an established brokerage firm to put away money every month, ignore the dips and rises of the market, and don't inquire into the balance until it's time to draw from it. These people don't spend their lives obsessing over money, don't experience sleepless nights during selloffs....they just go about the business of Living. They remember the reason why they hired a broker in the first place- so that they wouldn't have to do all this fretting and juggling.
Oh, and what about all those people who did panic and sell this spring? Well, they didn't do it because they had this Dashboard or an App on their Smartphones which sent them into a desperate frenzy. The people who freaked out and sold were the people who are already retired and using those investments to supplement their laughably small Social Security checks, or the small investors who never had any faith in the market and got spooked by bad advice and gave people who DO use things like this Dashboard and investment Apps. And who bought those stocks at a bargain? I just answered that question, didn't I?
Thursday, October 8, 2020
At the only blog I visit daily which is not my own, I am confronted- constantly- by a visually disgusting ad for a product I've used before but do not want to be reminded that I had to use and don't need color photographs reminding me of why I used it.
Every. Single. Time.
So I click on the "Feedback" tab and let Google know "I Am Not Interested in this Ad." Google couldn't care less. I keep getting versions of the same ad. Still gross. Still not interested.
So I take another tack and click "Have seen this ad multiple times." Google couldn't care less. I've seen it multiple times? Well, I guess I should get ready to see it even more times. Does Google think that "Have seen this ad multiple times" is a thumbs-up from me? Well, that would certainly explain a few things now, wouldn't it? "This ad is on hundreds of times a day" translates to "people love our ad" in Google World, apparently.
To add insult to injury, Google always responds to my clicking with "Thank You. Your Feedback Improves Google Ads." Oh, does it? After several weeks of this, there's no indication that Google gives a flying damn about my response. Unless, again, it thinks that because I responded it means I liked the ad, and never mind that my responses would be seen as Negative by any human being. And the fact that I've responded multiple times would scream STOP SHOWING ME THIS CRAP to any human being.
Google...seriously. Stop this. I've even started to click other advertisements at other sites hoping to convince Google to try to sell me something else, ANYTHING else. I'd like to think that Google was just trying to harass me into complaining about their Amazing Ad Tools here. Well, mission accomplished, Google. Can we move on now, please? Please?
Tuesday, October 6, 2020
Apparently, a group of geniuses at some ad agency was hired by Rocket Mortgage and told to come up with a commercial featuring a young family deciding that they needed a bigger house. This group of geniuses put their heads together, racking their brains in an attempt to pick the very best reason why any family would want or need a bigger house. Because they don't live in Reality and have zero experience with the Real World, this is what they came up with:
When do you realize you need a bigger house? When one of your children....um....uses a magic marker to decorate his own face. Yeah, that's it. That's a good enough reason. Let's pretend it makes sense, because we're useless, it's getting late, and if we don't get back to Rocket Mortgage within the next few days they are going to dump us and hire another ad agency.
So here we go. This family has a small house- so small that 75% of them have to sit around a table in the same room together as they Still Don't Actually Interact. It's ALREADY cramped, you see. Then the fourth member of this group shows up with marker on his face. And that's it- time for a bigger house, so we....um, don't have to sit in the same room together? Don't need to see this kid anymore? Won't feel compelled to KILL OUR KIDS if one of them does something mildly annoying/completely innocent but has to be portrayed as annoying because we've got that deadline with Rocket Mortgage?
Anyway, you can just respond to this...um....red flag....by whipping out your phone and applying for a Rocket Mortgage inside of thirty seconds. Life-altering decision made....based on....this.
I just....seriously, what the hell is going on, Rocket Mortgage?
Sunday, October 4, 2020
"Know how every time you eat or drink or socialize outside, you and all your guests are ridiculous slobs who just leave cups and forks and plates and bowl and cheez-its and napkins everywhere because nobody knows how to behave like a civilized human being and use a trash can anymore? Well, now there's the Trivac Worx Vacuum Cleaner System to solve all your Completely Relatable Cleanup Problems!"
Here, let me just turn it on and show you how
EASY IT IS TO DO A QUICK CLEAN-UP AT POOLSIDE, ALL AROUND YOUR LAWN, YOUR DRIVEWAY, ANYWHERE YOU ENTERTAIN!! AND DON'T FORGET THE REC ROOM, HUBBY'S MAN CAVE, EVERYWHERE THERE'S A MESS!"
"NO NOT LES, MESS! EVERYWHERE THERE'S A MESS! SEE HOW MUCH EASIER IT IS TO CLEAN?"
"WHAT? WHO'S BEING MEAN?"
"NOT MEAN, CLEAN! I SAID CLEAN! THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH EASIER TO CLEAN! JUST ONE PUSH OF THE BUTTON AND YOU'RE JOB IS DONE!"
"WHAT? WHO WON?"
And it takes up very little space; just store it next to your snowblower and leafblower. For an extra $19.99 we'll include military-grade noise-cancellation headsets. Buy a pair for everyone in your family. As for the people who live on your street...well, that's just another problem this amazing product solves: Too-friendly neighbors. Trust me- a couple of weekends of using this baby, and they'll never talk to you again.
Saturday, October 3, 2020
I just....I just can't with this thing. Maybe it's because I spent all day yesterday driving to Vermont for fall break and I'm really tired, maybe I'm sick of living under a proto-Fascist administration which is currently reminding me of Russia in the days after Stalin died or Spain in the final days of Franco. Maybe being in a bad mood is just My Normal.
Or maybe I'm just done seeing commercials for products which make it quick and easy to produce fatty junk for the whole family. French fries, stuffed hamburgers, and now this bizarre Marshmallows mixed with other non-foods Frankenstein's Monster Creator that's fun for everyone who lives in your house from Age 4 to 9 (I didn't get through the entire 2 minutes 15 seconds of this- do any adults show up to supervise,* or do they just exist to make sure that there's an adequate supply of marshmallows, chocolate chips, M&Ms, sprinkles, and every other nutrition-free product capable of being squished into a blob of sugary goo using this device?)
*this would actually be easier to take if we were told these are free-range children who simply don't have parents, because this product is exactly the kind of thing we could see unsupervised kids using but we'd be horrified to find as a regular go-to in a home with actual adult supervision.
Wednesday, September 30, 2020
(After all, if AT&T is going to make me watch it fifty times an hour, I should be allowed to get more than one post out of it...)
Let's imagine that this commercial featured a black woman straining to push a giant 5G prop across the floor of the AT&T store. She's interrupted in her work by a white man who isn't even IN the store, who then proceeds to bark questions and then suggestions at her from the other side of the glass.
The black, female AT&T employee's response is not to politely remind the non-customer that he's yelling at her through both a mask and a window while she is only trying to do her job. It's to stop doing that job so she can better listen to the white guy demand that she explain what exactly that prop is all about, and then proceed to lecture her on how she SHOULD be doing her job.
That go over well with you? Anybody?
Sunday, September 27, 2020
"Here at Domino's we figured out something during this pandemic: Americans like to eat cheap, processed, fatty crap that ISN'T pizza or pasta. We couldn't quite believe it, but statistics don't lie: It turns out that a whole lot of you are actually ordering Taco Bell and even McDonalds for delivery!"
"Needless to say, we were stunned. We thought that Taco Bell and McDonalds were and always would be that spur of the moment crap you eat because you're in a massive hurry because you are working long hours plus it gives the illusion of being low-cost even though it really isn't at all when you factor in the negligible nutritional value, not to mention the addictive chemicals added in to keep you coming back in again and again and again. It never occurred to us that people sitting at home would actually ORDER from those pig troughs! Silly us, we apparently forgot that we live in a country where people line up for all-you-can eat cardboard pizza and cinnamon buns."
"So....better late than never, we're jumping on the bandwagon. You want greasy taco-flavored garbage delivered to your door? Here's a taco pizza! You like cheap hamburger and processed 'cheese' on bread? Here's a cheeseburger pizza! Delivered right to your door, just like McDonalds and Taco Bell!"
"We apologize for misjudging you, America. It won't happen again. From now on, we'll be watching to see whatever horrific poisonous junk you're willing to pay to have delivered to your door despite the kitchen and stove being right there and despite the fact that you for sure own a refrigerator that is actually capable of keeping real food fresh until you are ready to spend a few minutes prepping it. Our phone lines are open, our delivery cars a warmed up, and we're just waiting to be of service!"
Saturday, September 26, 2020
Don't Mind Me, I'll just be in this Snow Fort I built next to you....The InnovaGoods Travel "pillow"
Anyone who has spent any time in airports over the last twenty years has seen multiple display stands featuring travel pillows being offered for sale. They are pretty much all the same, designed to wrap around your neck so your head doesn't shift while you sleep and wake you up. The more expensive ones are filled with some kind of beads or seeds, while the cheapo versions need to be inflated with your own lung power before you attach it to your neck and try to get to sleep while being worried that it will lose air during your nap and you'll wake up with a crick in your neck and the guy in the next seat trying really hard not to snicker.
I actually own a travel neck pillow thingee which is filled with beads or seeds; I've used it on long (11 hours on paper, 12+ in reality, all the time, because America) train trips. It works ok, but it's obviously limited in it's utility as it will not prevent your body from shifting sideways as you sleep. This is a big deal if you are one of those people who can fall asleep on a train, I guess. I wouldn't know, because I'm not one of those people.
Anyway, here's a commercial for what I can best describe as a larger, more cumbersome version of the travel pillow. It looks a lot like something I saw being advertised in one of those SkyMall magazines that sit in the pocket in front of your seat on American Airlines flights. It goes a step further from providing stabilization for your neck and actually provides a mini-bed for your entire upper body to rest on. You have to inflate it (which means you have to worry about it deflating, but let's be real- this thing isn't going to sell if it's filled with beads, weighs 15 lbs and counts as your carry-on) but once you do, you've got a little comfy personal space to lean into to take a nap or watch movies on your phone (without headphones, of course.) Heck, if it isolates me from the person sitting next to me, maybe it's even worth it.
But seriously- can you imagine using this if you aren't in the window seat? Put it another way- how'd you like to be in the window seat and have the person in the aisle seat using this? You're sitting there about to take off for a six-hour flight and the person sitting next to you, blocking your only exit to the restroom, is announcing "I'm going to be completely oblivious to you, probably asleep, in a few minutes- if you want to get up you'll have to interact with me physically, and btw this is also going to make it very difficult for you to get your drink or your meal because I'm basically creating a wall between you and the rest of the plane."
You know what? Just get one of those travel neck pillows at the gift shop and accept that you can't recreate your freaking bedroom for the flight. You aren't the only person on the plane. More to the point, you aren't the only person sitting in that row. So unless you have the window seat, you don't get to use one of these stupid things, ok?
Friday, September 25, 2020
Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/fUj_VOH_rY4
I don't want to spend any time ragging on the late Billy Mays here- not my place to knock another man's hustle, especially when that man has been dead for more than a decade now. If you aren't that familiar with the guy, this is vintage Mays BTW- shouting his head off over an extremely underwhelming product no one in their right mind would buy as if it's as essential to any kitchen as the sink. The guy made a pretty decent living doing this, and as I said, it's not my place to knock it. He found his niche. Everybody has to.
Ok, on to the product. Apparently, back in 2009 Americans just couldn't get enough of the mini-hamburgers you buy by the sack at White Castle and were struggling mightily to recreate that Tiny Hamburger taste at home. This lead to frustration and awful greasy messes because it's the hardest thing win the world to make small hamburgers without specialized equipment. So the wonderful Made for TV people decided to sell refigured muffin tins as slider molds and the rest wasn't even close to History.
I wonder how many people actually bought these things- I admit that the hamburgers look pretty good, and I'm sure it was reassuring to learn that it was ok to stack several on top of each other and add CHEESE (wow!) and condiments (double wow!) just like they do at White Castle, don't worry it's not trademarked or anything. And then you and your family can eat just as well as your average drunk college kid with the munchies at 2 AM on a Sunday morning.
Sunday, September 20, 2020
Original Commercial here: https://youtu.be/kzcTwTlmi34
"When it comes to buying a house, THEY say 'Cash is king.' But you're a queen, and that's just as powerful."
My brain just broke, and it's leaking all over the floor.
Whoever "they" who are saying "cash is king" are, I'm pretty sure what they mean is that it's always preferable to pay cash for a purchase whenever necessary because that eliminates the issue of Interest. In other words, it's the cheapest way to buy anything, be it a loaf of bread or a house. When it comes to the latter, it means that you should save as much cash as you can so that you can borrow as little as possible. Whatever you borrow is going to come with SOME interest payment.
This isn't complicated, and it isn't Sexist because the phrase is "Cash is king," not "Cash is queen." I mean, please.
"But you're a queen, and that's just as powerful..." I seriously have no idea what this means. All that stuff I just said about paying cash is equally applicable regardless of the sex of the person making the purchase. I mean, this is an ad for Rocket Mortgage, so it makes sense that it would sneer at the idea of paying cash. But is it actually encouraging us to ignore the blatantly obvious truth in the term "cash is king" merely because some invisible "they" are insisting on it's accuracy? Is Rocket Mortgage actually arguing that paying cash is NOT preferable to taking out a loan with Rocket Mortgage? Is Rocket Mortgage offering zero percent interest on home loans? Because if it isn't, well-- I'm sorry, but that old chestnut still applies here in Real Life. If you can afford to pay cash, you immediately saving money by doing just that.
BTW, Rocket Mortgage sure gets a lot out of it's "instant pre-approval" promise. Pre-Approval is pretty much a meaningless joke in the loan industry- it just means that they ran your name and SS number and no massive red flags immediately jumped into their faces. I'm guessing that more than 99 percent of people who contact Rocket Mortgage- or any other lender- gets a "Pre-Approval" in about three and a half minutes. It means nothing, and is followed by an actual, detailed credit check which reveals that you are a good risk or a poor one, and whether you are going to get a low-interest loan, a high-interest loan, or no loan at all. These ads make it look like you can just decide you want to buy a house and have the loan money in your account within seconds, which is just nonsense. What you can do is get an instant "Pre-Approved" message on your phone that makes you feel like you are suddenly much more credit-worthy that even you thought you were. Might even make you feel like a Queen- for a few days, anyway.
Saturday, September 19, 2020
Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/BfR9ABlM-vU
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Someday, maybe someone will explain to me how exactly the most god-awful mass-manufactured mushy bland soup which has hints of actual taste only because it's saturated in salt contributes anything to bringing us "together' during Social Distancing. Is it a throwback to this spring, with its panic shopping, because Campbell's Canned Liquid Dull is something you could quickly buy by the case and shove into a corner of the closet somewhere, hoping you never have to resort to heating it up and consuming it but deriving some very, very small amount of comfort knowing it's there if even Amazon runs out of food it's willing to deliver to the door of your freaking bunker?
Wow, the warm feels. I'm so motivated to eat the liquid equivalent of Wonder Bread right now.
Thursday, September 17, 2020
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Original Commercial Here: https://youtu.be/negeco0b1L0
Husband: "I thought we were being good citizens and continuing to practice social distancing; I didn't think we were having people over in person."
Wife: "No. We're all done that. Didn't you hear Trump on Fox the other night? We are all done bowing to the Plandemic, which after all was sent here by China to defeat the President."
Husband: "We aren't even wearing masks. What the hell is going on here?"
Wife: "You aren't listening. Fake news. Masks are for the Libs. Now put some damn pants on, Libtard!"
*Seriously, what the hell?
Sunday, September 13, 2020
Original commercial here: https://youtu.be/Da8UWU2FkEc
This "first ever" something-or-other vanity car STARTS at $133,000. So if you play a professional sport- and aren't making your league minimum- you might be able to buy one of these. If you want to let people know you have the money to buy one of these.
You still won't be able to go "zero to sixty in 2.5 awe-inspiring seconds" unless you rent a race track and are willing to risk your six-figure car testing out the honesty of the commercial that hooked you into buying this shiny ego grip. And as near as I can tell, all the regular traffic laws apply so forget about driving 70 MPH through busy city streets just because you saw Anthony Rizzo or some other pro Orb Ball Participant doing it in an ad.
I seriously wonder who these commercials are really aimed at. Are there really a lot of people watching the Bucs-Saints game who have over a hundred thousand dollars burning a hole in their pockets who don't ALREADY own a BMW or Lexus or Audi, or are always on the market for another car even if they do?
Meanwhile, I'm trying to find someone to install a dashboard-mounted SiriusXM radio in my 2010 Honda Accord. I live in a totally different world than these people. But I knew that already.