Saturday, December 19, 2020

These Fidelity Ads make me long for fingernails across a chalkboard


Ok, ok, stop me if you've heard this one:  "Two ridiculously wealthy, entitled, middle-aged douchenozzles walk into a brokerage for a private sit-down with their personal Fidelity Investments advisor, and....

Oh, you've heard this one.  Sorry."

Seriously, what the actual hell?  Mr. Hair Gel and his Artist Wife, who look to be maybe 60 but either already retired (and constantly playing with their investments) or a one-income household- either way, with money to burn- have the luxury of turning their plans on a dime because they've got such a ridiculously large portfolio that it simply doesn't matter which basket they place some of it in.  You just know that these are the kind of people who cluck "money doesn't mean that much to us" while balancing themselves on that mountain of cash.  You also know (I mean, just LOOK at them) that neither has done one day of actual hard labor in their entire lives to earn any of that vast fortune.

They are so well-acquainted with their Fidelity Money Manipulator that they can mention that "Audrey is having twins" and she'll immediately connect that to mean "you're going to be grandparents.  Please, sit down in these comfy chairs- the schoolteacher with $150,000 in her 401(k) who has an appointment for right now can wait in the lobby."  And they are so disgustingly entitled that they can stroll past a new condo, see that Lofts Are Available, and decide "hey, we should buy one of these so we can be closer to those twins.  Time to drop in on Our Girl at Fidelity again to shift some Wealth around, again."

(It would have been at least SOMEWHAT relatable if the Fidelity woman had reacted to "change of plans" with "so....you AREN'T going to be setting as much as you thought aside for those twins?  Going to buy a loft instead?"  But that wasn't going to happen- these jackanapes have more than enough money for college funds AND lofts- and hair gel, and Grandma's painting hobby, and every freaking other thing they happen to glance at or think about- thank you very much.)

This would be disgusting at any time, but it's soooo much more aggravating during what is for millions of Americans the close of the most stressful year in a generation.  So many people are wondering if they are going to be able to pay for utilities, health care, food- let alone presents for the kids next week, if they are going to return to work in the near future, if the government is going to provide them some financial relief as a bridge to better days....and they turn on the tv to see THIS putrid garbage, along with December to Remember Sales Events ads....hey Fidelity, could you maybe make ONE commercial that doesn't feature rich people having fun with their money, because that's pretty much ALL WE SEE between Thanksgiving and New Year's as it is....?

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