Sunday, January 31, 2021

Fidelity "One Day" you'll make a really, really stupid decision for really, really stupid reasons


The woman in this ad is feeling immense guilt every morning because she has to leave a loved one behind as she goes off to work to make a living.  Because it's 2021, the loved one she's leaving behind is a dog (if this ad was set in the 1980s, she'd be shown dropping a kid off at daycare with a sad "sorry" because she'd be burying us with Working Mommy Guilt.  We don't do that anymore.  We leave that to the MLM huns on Facebook who want us to sell doTerra, Young Living, LuLaRoe or any of the other 2000 pyramid scheme work-from-home-and-stop-abandoning-your-child-to-strangers BS crap out there.)

This woman is miserable because she has a crappy job which appears to us to be crappy only because she's lousy at it and because she doesn't like her coworkers (or, just one coworker who manages to do his job while having fun, the scum) and is thinking about her stupid dog all day instead of doing that job.  Plus, her stupid job has a stupid coffee machine which messes up her clothes, and it also makes her get up early every morning the poor baby.  Did I mention that it also requires her to leave her Suburban Mansion and her precious freaking dog behind?

So she decides that it's time to quit and start own business.  In the 1980s, she'd be running a daycare center out of her home.  Because it's 2021, she's going to be converting her house into a pet grooming center, and f--k you neighbors who thought there were zoning laws, get ready to see a lot of traffic and a lot fewer parking spaces on your street because the lazy idiot woman who obsesses over her dog got sick of actually working and decided she could replace the $75,000 per year career which allowed her to finance that house with an in-home pet-grooming "business" which, if she's really, really fortunate, might bring in one-third that amount.  Sure she'll be in constant danger of not making her mortgage, but hey at least she gets to sleep in and be with her dog. 

So this woman makes the great decision to trade in what was obviously a good-paying job for a stay-at-home business because....she wants more time with her dog, and she couldn't bring herself to use noise-cancelling headphones so she wouldn't be distracted by that one jerk at work.  Oh, and because she couldn't bring a thermos of coffee to the office with her or go out for Starbucks like every one of her Awful Coworkers did.  Good news and bad news, Stupid Woman:  the good news is that yes, you get to spend more time with that dog for however many years it has left (hint: you're going to bury it, not the other way around, and you'll still have that small business loan and mortgage to pay after the main reason you made this stupid financial decision is gone.)  Bad news:  if you are successful, all the traffic and parking and barking will make you the absolute pariah of the neighborhood, and if you aren't successful, well, as long as you are home, I have a great Opportunity Available This Week Only DM Me For More Information You Would Totally Kill At This Biz Hon!

Saturday, January 30, 2021

Bionic Spotlights Presents: The Overselling of Solar Power!


I just adore these Only Available on TV Junk ads.....

This one is for the Bionic Spotlight Solar Light thingee, which magically breaks all the laws of physics by absorbing enough solar power over the course of the day to provide a brilliant spotlight for thirty minutes when activated at night.  Anyone who has ever put out solar-powered lights knows that these things have the illuminating effect of a dim nightlight when they are at their peak effectiveness.  They aren't going to replace actual security lights which (sorry, lady in the opening scene) do cost money to install and do use actual electricity that you have to pay for.

Knowing this, I'm left to just chuckle at the idea that the sudden activation of a dim nightlight is going to frighten away raccoons, kids wearing hoodies, and other dangerous pests you want to keep away from your precious suburban McMansion (what is the deal with that kid wearing the white hoodie and shorts and carrying a backpack?  Is he supposed to look like a threat?  He looks like he's trying to find the right address, which makes his startled dashing away from a nightlight all that more hysterical.  And check out the guy using the Magic Solar Light to illuminate his barbecue- yeah, that's going to work.  

Come on, people.  Solar lights with five inches of paneling are not bad for marking walkways or outside steps.  They aren't going to replace actual security lights because they simply can't absorb and store all that much solar power over the course of the sunniest day.  Because, as I pointed out earlier, PHYSICS.  Want a security light?  Get ready to spend some money.  Or skip the security light and buy a gun to deal with raccoons, mice, and hoodie-wearing kids who dare to broach the boundaries of your precious estate,  you weird knobs. 

Friday, January 29, 2021

Get with the program or get left behind, kid!


The dad in this commercial might be thinking "I should make sure my kids are keeping up," but he's way too busy checking the status of his stock portfolio on his phone for the 800th time today.  And TrophyWife isn't any more concerned that they might be walking a bit too fast for the kids she produced- she needs to stay close to her Meal Ticket and make sure his eye isn't wandering away from that phone.

The kids?  Well, the sooner they learn the harsh reality of this dog-eat-dog life, the better.  It's kill or be killed, people.  Everybody has to pull their own weight- especially that little boy.  The odds that HE can grow up to be a TrophyWife are considerably longer than those of his sisters, after all.  

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

CopperFit Gloves. Because we touch stuff, and they are gloves.


"Puts a layer between your skin and surfaces..."  Um, yeah.  Because they are gloves.  Oh, excuse me:  "Hand Protectors."  

But these aren't just any old (gloves) that do what gloves do (put a layer between your skin and surfaces.) THESE gloves contain COPPER, which we all know (the way we know everything: from TV) has magical properties that fix arthritis pain.  And since the connection between arthritis pain and easily-transmittable surface-contact illnesses is also well-documented (somewhere, don't have time to look it up right now) the utility of these CopperFit Gloves is pretty obvious, don't you think?

What?  This is just another stupid Buy It Because You're a Medieval-Minded Idiot who thinks Copper is Magic tv ad?  Heresy!  Just buy it!  In fact, do what one guy in the YouTube comments did- buy TWO pairs, "just to be safe."  Safe from what?  Shut up, that's why!  Like I said, just BUY IT!

I do not, however, suggest that you follow the throwaway advice from another YouTube commentator and warm them in your microwave- unless you want to test if these things really do contain actual copper.  Because if they do contain Magic, Illness-Eradicating Copper- or any other metal- I don't think your microwave is going to react very well to them.  I wonder if the idiot who posted that is just being a malicious troll?

Sunday, January 24, 2021

These ridiculous Dinovite Commercials.


Know how I avoid all this hassle?  By not having one of these things in my house to begin with...

Meanwhile, listening to all the disgusting, noisy, smelly crap dog owners have to put up with unless they are willing to shell out tons of money on "special" food like Dinovite and grooming products- and then listening to the excitement in their voice as they describe how living with a still-disgusting, still-noisy but slightly less smelly dog is a tiny bit more bearable now that they've shelled out that money does nothing but cement my determination never to burden myself with a dog, a cat, or any other mammal that won't eventually learn how to buy it's own food and take care of itself.  Even then- cripes, they'd still be taking up room I could be using. 

Back to that excitement that goes along with spelling out DINOVITE- good lord, what is the matter with you people.  I will never understand.   To each his own...but since I like to provide an actual public service from time to time, here is some information about Dinovite you won't find in their obnoxious commercials:

Saturday, January 23, 2021 another ridiculous Auto-Refill Offer you'd be far better off Refusing


Someday, someone will have to explain to me how auto-refill for things easily obtained at any local drug or grocery store became so popular.  Are people really so busy that keeping up with the purchase of toothbrushes, toothpaste, razor blades etc. is a major hassle?  Or do ads like this just con people into believing that something they THOUGHT was easy actually IS a major hassle that they've always suffered in silence but now don't have to Because Check Out This Super-Convenient (and absolutely, once you read between the lines, Super Expensive) auto-ship option??

I have coffee, cat food (small bags, not those obnoxious, delivery-man-back-breaking 50lb-ers from Chewy) and cat treats sent to my mother in rural Vermont every month because there are times when it's hard for her to get out, especially this time of year (it's snowing like crazy as I type this.)  I don't have anything auto-shipped to me, because I walk past grocery stores pretty much every single day.  I seriously never realized that I was draining my life away buying razors, blades, toothbrushes, toothpaste etc. but according to this ad the chance to get floss auto-shipped on a regular basis would be a real lifesaver.  Three things are far more likely for anyone who signs up with Quilp, Harry's razors, or any other Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We'll Take Care of the Rest auto-ship companies:

1.  You find yourself stockpiling the junk as soon as it arrives, because you haven't even started using the stuff that came LAST time yet, and/or

2.  You find yourself eventually noticing that "convenience" nowhere near makes up for the ridiculous shipping charges, and/or

3.  You spend more time negotiating the Cancel Auto-Ship labyrinth than you ever did just walking into your local CVS and picking up what you needed on your way home from work.   

The first step to avoiding this nonsense is getting over the idea that you are so busy and your life is sooo full with work and other responsibilities that there's no way you'll ever manage to get yourself to a drug store like the Less Important People with leisure time do.  Maybe take a moment of reflection in between episodes of whatever your currently binge-watching on Netflix to notice you aren't QUITE as overwhelmed with Other Things as you thought you were and maybe it really IS possible for you to get your sorry, lazy self to the freaking store and buy toothpaste once a month or so??

Friday, January 22, 2021

Geico has fun with Racist Tropes. Whoomp, there it is again.


Somebody much smarter than I am will have to explain to me how this kind of Jim Crow/Stepin Fetchit Minstrel show caricature is at all helpful to anyone, including anyone interested in purchasing insurance. 

I mean, I can easily imagine rednecks thoroughly enjoying commercials like this, nodding appreciatively at the "accurate" depiction of black people as grinning, dancing idiots who jump at every opportunity to perform for the overwhelmingly white audience.  So I guess I kind of answered my own question- it's helpful in reinforcing stereotypes?  

I guess it's also helpful to Tag Team, which picks up what I'm sure is a welcome paycheck and a reminder that they existed on the radio (and everywhere else) with that One Song Using the term Song Very Very Loosely back in 1993.  Hey, thirty years is a long time to go without a number anyone cares to listen to, let alone one that inexplicably became a hit because headaches were really popular in the first year of the Clinton Administration. 

But if I'm a black person in the United States, I find this all to be very, very UNhelpful in multiple ways. Do I have to keep explaining why?

Thursday, January 21, 2021

Yeah, Hartford Group: This is definitely the guy I'm taking investment advice from.


1.  "Did you know that the government has printed six trillion dollars in paper money?  That's an excellent reason to take some of YOUR paper money and use it to buy physical gold and silver, which in hard times you can trade in for some of that paper money you originally used to buy gold and silver, because at no point in the future will vendors ever refuse to take paper money in exchange for goods, but it's kind of hard to imagine a time when you'll get to dictate how many gold ingots you'll be parting with in exchange for a gallon of gasoline and a loaf of bread."

2.  "It's super-important that you have precious metals as part of your portfolio, because unlike other investments, they provide no actual benefit to companies which hire employees,  purchase technology, or, come to think of it, do anything to make the world a better place.  It's basically as socially beneficial as burying your money in a coffee can.  Remarkably similar growth potential, too!"

3.  "Gold and Silver are wonderfully difficult to trace methods of paying off those pesky sexual harassment lawsuits, mistresses, and other annoyances you can't conveniently eliminate through the use of hired assassins once your cushy FOX gig is threatened.  What?  This isn't a common problem?  FINE!  F--K IT THEN!  WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!"

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Another "People better than you use Macs" commercial


Warms the heart, it does.

Seriously, I don't know why the narrator doesn't just say "here's a bunch of artsy still shots of people you know- and who have money coming out of their ears- and the Apple Laptops they can afford because they have money coming out of their ears.  And oh, we're also going to include a smiling, gap-toothed kid and maybe a muppet or two- you know, to make this even remotely relatable to 99 percent of the viewing audience."

All presented in glorious black and white, of course- because these have to be super-artsy and when you have absolutely zero ideas, black and white photos is how you present yourself as super-artsy. 

I AM pretty sure I know why comments are turned off for this particular video.  I don't think my take on these "rich people are better than you because they use these toys that you can't afford, losers" commercials is particularly unique.  Not that Apple gives a damn what us non-geniuses with out One Size Fits All Inferior Dell setups think.  We are NOT the audience for the insufferable entitlement being celebrated in these steaming piles of self-congratulation posing as what I THINK are MacBook Pro ads. 

Sunday, January 17, 2021

The New York Lottery, Multiplying the Dumb


"What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm on the verge of inventing a machine that can multiply any piece of matter.  Think of the problems it could solve- world hunger, poverty..."

"Why don't you just play this stupid scratch-off game I wasted our hard-earned money on instead of working on that potentially world-altering invention?"

"Thanks for reminding me that I married down." 

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Timeshare Exit Team: Stupid non-solution for stupid people.


This is all supposed to be very cute; Old woman sees the mailman coming.  Old woman somehow knows that the mailman is bringing a bill for her timeshare maintenance fees.  Mailman is absolutely determined to deliver the timeshare maintenance fee bill like it's a court summons.  Old woman is so desperate to avoid these fees, she pulls up her mailbox and runs away with it.  Mailman who understands that this is not how anything works just drops the bill into the hole left behind.  

There's an actual solution to the old woman's problem, but this isn't it.  The real punchline is not "hire the Timeshare Exit Team" either, unless you want two bills related to the Dumbest Purchase You Ever Made instead of one.

There's a radio ad for this company on Sirius XM which is even funnier- we hear the recipient of the bill sigh, tear up the bill, and announce "I'm out."  What makes it hysterical is that the exasperated radio guy's solution to his problem is no more realistic than this woman's.  You can't avoid your timeshare maintenance fees by just tearing up the bill any more than you can by moving your mailbox.  And judging from the comments I've read on, you really can't avoid them by contacting the "Timeshare Exit Team," either.  

"I'm out."  Oh really?  That easy, huh?  Sorry, buddy.  You're still in.  Because you signed a contract.  

Here are some actual solutions to your timeshare problem, which if they sound familiar are very similar to the solutions to your credit card debt problem:

1.  Pay someone to "buy" what you thought was a "great opportunity" during a moment of extreme Stupidity which is totally incomprehensible to me.  

2.  Add your timeshare to the hundreds already being offered on Ebay for free.  Who knows, you might get lucky and get found by someone as stupid as you are.

I'll just close with this:  It's 2021.  The internet is a Thing.  It's in its fourth decade of general usefulness, available to provide instant access to answers to questions like "are time shares worth it?" or "do only morons buy timeshares?"  If you've purchased a timeshare at any time in the 21st century, it's really, really hard for me to have any sympathy for you.  It's really right up there with buying miracle water from Peter Popoff.  There's not much of a solution to the problem of people who simply won't do even the tiniest amount of research before signing a contract. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Verizon's family of unique cell phone addicts


Isn't it just adorable how this family of cell phone addicts think that they are each "unique" because as individuals they are wasting their lives on their phones in different ways?  I mean, they are "different in unique ways," or "unique in different ways," or whatever that first moron says.  I'm not watching this again. 

For one, her phone is "her office."  Um, that's nice- but you know, only a generation ago an office was a place you worked in for forty or so hours a week, and then left to...well, to live the other parts of your life.  Now you're waving your "office" around in your hand and basically bragging that you are never, ever out of work.  Excuse me for not being impressed or seeing this as something to celebrate, let alone emulate. 

Another one is "the gamer."  Uh huh.  If that "gamer" takes his "gaming" as seriously as that other woman takes her office work,  I wouldn't feel great about giving him a phone to "game" on.  At least she's earning money with her nonstop work.  What the hell is all that "gaming" accomplishing other than stealing time away from reading, social interactions with friends, etc.?

"Only pay for what you need."  Huh.  Sounds like they all need everything, though.  So they are going to be paying for....everything.  And what exactly does that word "need" mean these days?  

And Daddy says the plan is so reasonable, "they can stay on it for the rest of their lives."  First, that's kind of creepy- Dad clearly expects to outlive these kids, otherwise wouldn't he say "for the rest of MY life?"  Second, maybe the cost of the plan is reasonable- but is the PLAN reasonable?  Is this endless love affair with a freaking phone reasonable?  Is this "I am never off my phone" attitude reasonable?  I mean, what the actual hell, Verizon?

Sunday, January 10, 2021

Well, if it cures you of your gambling addiction, maybe Fanduel makes it worth it...


All this stupid hairy creep wanted to do was blow a part of his paycheck betting on football with Fanduel, and this is what he gets?

James Harrison can't collect his salary for being in this stupid commercial unless he commits trespassing, property destruction, and assault?

Why doesn't this commercial end with sirens and at least three cop cars pulling up and gang-tackling and tazering this lunatic?

Oh wait- I get it now.  James Harrison is just collecting for the Loan Shark this guy is deep into because of aforementioned gambling addiction.

Saturday, January 9, 2021

The Banal Conceit of Local Morning News


I have a question for local news hosts; not just the ones in the Washington DC area but everywhere in the United States:

When are you clowns going to figure out that the only thing people with actual jobs want from local morning news is Weather, Traffic and Headlines?  We aren't looking for goofy, giggling or (groan) SINGING wannabee comedians at 6 AM as we shake off our weariness and get ready to go earn our livings.  We don't care if you like each other.  We don't care how many kids you have or what your hobbies are.  And we sure as hell don't want to get to know you over the airwaves.

Weather, Traffic, Headlines.  This isn't complicated.  All the rest of this is just noisy, showy crap.  We're really sorry you haven't Gone National.  We're sorry you aren't as Big as you think you deserve to be.  And by "we," I mean "maybe other people," because seriously, I don't even give that much of a damn.  The only reason I even know about you is because I don't have cable in my home office so I have to put up with these stupid, self-indulgent Valentines to yourselves. 

So don't joke.  Don't sing.  Don't tweak each other and if you never dance or hug or do anything but give me information that might make my morning a little easier, that would be just great.  

Weather.  Traffic.  Headlines.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.  Otherwise, STFU and stop trying to get me to give a flying damn.  Make some real friends (not those coworkers) or get therapy or something.  Because this is just so sad. 

Friday, January 8, 2021

How Subaru thinks "Cool Grandmas" act


Shown:  Grandma wants two milkshakes, not one.

Not shown:  This Subaru makes four extra stops during the 2-hour trip back to Grandma's house which to the granddaughter feels like two days.

Shown:  Grandma makes a dangerous spectacle of herself by running up to a total stranger who happened to glance at her granddaughter to get his phone number (and, I'm just going to guess because Grandma is a moron, give her granddaughter's number to the guy.)

Shown:  Granddaughter chuckles, rolls her eyes, and gives the total stranger a little wave.

Not Shown:  Granddaughter makes a mental note to change her phone number and to have a long talk with Grandma about mutual respect, boundaries, etc.  And about how this isn't the freaking 19th century or a 1950s sitcom.*

Shown:  Granddaughter drops Grandma off at Grandma's house.

Not Shown:  Granddaughter makes a mental note to never, ever spend time with Grandma outside of Grandma's own home ever again.

*how freaking old is Grandma, anyway?  Seventy?  That would mean she was born in 1950 and became an adult in the late 60s-early 70s.  How does her "let me run and get the phone number of a cute total stranger at a gas stop for my single granddaughter" gel with the times she came of age in?  

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Insipid Ads, Indeed


These Indeed commercials run on XM Radio all day, every day, on every news channel, and every time I hear that guy respond "Indeed you do," I want to reach into the radio and punch his face.  Seriously, he's got the most punchable voice on radio.

And it's not even the most cringe-worthy part of the radio ads.  That comes when The Awful Voice says "finding the best candidates for your job is like,'s like finding a needle in a haystack."  Yeah, I'm not kidding.  That's the metaphor they use.  Which leaves me wondering:  did Indeed use their own service to find someone to write this ad?  Because wow- if they did....they just gave us the best reason imaginable to use another headhunter service.  ANY other headhunter service.  Except maybe the one that hired the guy who came up with "Indeed you do."  

Monday, January 4, 2021

Amazon, Zoom, and a family "coping" with Privilege


The people in this ad have (at least) two large laptop PCs, an HD large-screen tablet, and a Peloton Bike, all taking up space in an enormous suburban home with a huge fireplace, spacious back yard, playing with still more expensive toys in that back yard while waiting for their dinner to be delivered to their doorstep. 

Yeah, I don't give one flying damn about these people.

Sunday, January 3, 2021

State Farm, Jake, Pat's just another weekend of football commercials


It didn't even occur to these Pat Mahomes toadies to just ask Jake from State FarmTM if they could get a Totally Awesome Deal from State Farm without getting Pat Mahomes hair styles.   Hell, it didn't even occur to them how totally creepy and weird it was to assume that the reason Pat Mahomes was getting that Totally Awesome Deal was because he looked like Pat Mahomes.  Maybe they were too busy being Not At All Creeped Out by the fact that they never see Pat Mahomes anywhere without Jake from State FarmTM hanging around with him?

It also didn't occur to State Farm that this ad has exactly ten seconds of actual content (such as it is) followed by grins, shrugs, rolled eyes, and awkward "seriously, that's all there is to this" filler.  Maybe because there seems to be a population of witless drooling idiots who enjoy these insultingly stupid commercials because Hey Look It's Pat Mahomes (again.)  And Hey Look it's Jake From State FarmTM having absolutely nothing to do with himself except hang out with Pat Mahomes Because Reasons (Aaron Rodgers filed a restraining order, perhaps?)

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Toyota's "Mailbox" commercial gives me a headache


So as near as I can figure, the little girl in this ad is making one ornament after another and then having her mother drive her to the family mailbox- which apparently is several miles away, WTF?- so she can have it delivered to her father who is stationed overseas.  So far, so good- except, again, what is the deal with these people living so far away from their mailbox that it's a significant drive to send and pick up mail?

The mom asks the little girl "one more?" and the little girl nods the affirmative.  Good thing too, because as it turns out, Daddy has come home (sort of) and has decorated the tree next to the mailbox with his daughter's homemade Christmas ornaments.  And was just....ummm....waiting behind a tree, hopefully inside his own Toyota because it looks kind of cold out, for his daughter and wife to show up and...umm....

Ok, I know I'm repeating myself, but What. The Actual. Hell.  How long has this guy been hanging around the mailbox decorating that tree?  How did he even manage to put ornaments up that high- is there a ladder folded up in the back of that Toyota?  What would have happened if Daughter had decided that she was all done sending Daddy ornaments?  Would mommy have just called Daddy on the cell phone to tell him that the whole "meet by the mailbox Christmas tree" bit wasn't going to work and he could just finish driving home now?  How much elaborate planning did you people put into this?  Has Daddy been "home" for days, but you avoided having him come home and cheering his daughter up because her sadness over Daddy's absence was just way to cute to spoil until the last minute?  WHAT IS ALL THIS, TOYOTA???