1. "Did you know that the government has printed six trillion dollars in paper money? That's an excellent reason to take some of YOUR paper money and use it to buy physical gold and silver, which in hard times you can trade in for some of that paper money you originally used to buy gold and silver, because at no point in the future will vendors ever refuse to take paper money in exchange for goods, but it's kind of hard to imagine a time when you'll get to dictate how many gold ingots you'll be parting with in exchange for a gallon of gasoline and a loaf of bread."
2. "It's super-important that you have precious metals as part of your portfolio, because unlike other investments, they provide no actual benefit to companies which hire employees, purchase technology, or, come to think of it, do anything to make the world a better place. It's basically as socially beneficial as burying your money in a coffee can. Remarkably similar growth potential, too!"
3. "Gold and Silver are wonderfully difficult to trace methods of paying off those pesky sexual harassment lawsuits, mistresses, and other annoyances you can't conveniently eliminate through the use of hired assassins once your cushy FOX gig is threatened. What? This isn't a common problem? FINE! F--K IT THEN! WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!"