Wednesday, December 30, 2015
If this is what passes as 'blowing off steam" these days, gas prices can't start rising fast enough or high enough for me.
Seriously, you stupid choads- want to blow off steam? Take a kickboxing class at the local gym. Start jogging or just walking. Do something that will provide some benefit. Don't do this.*
*Of course, 99 percent of Americans have no access to the kind of flat desert areas these ads are always showing, so "blowing off steam" in this manner remains a stupid fantasy for pretty much everybody. Good thing- because until these machines actually run on steam, you aren't doing anyone any favors when you zoom around in them for no purpose larger than "because you can."
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Summing up this commercial: Guy mopes about doing absolutely nothing. We soon learn the reason for his foul mood: He missed yesterday's games because he "had to work."
Ah, but his coworker has the answer: Go to NFL GamePass and watch yesterday's games right now! Yay!
Never mind that
1. As a YouTube poster points out, it's a pretty lame idea to get excited about watching games where you already know the final score. You can go on NFL.com and watch highlights of the good games. You don't need to invest money or time on downloading entire games, unless you are really, really into watching all the posing and pomping and posturing that might not be included in the highlights (who am I kidding, I just described most of the highlights.)
2. This guy didn't watch the games because he had to work- so he's going to make up for it the next day by walking around aimlessly making tiny paper airplanes and feeling sorry for himself, and then waste even more time by.....watching the games. Um, if he was going to blow off work, why didn't he do that yesterday, when the games were live and maybe worth watching? What exactly does he accomplish by working on Sunday if he then spends Monday catching up on his football viewing? What am I missing here?
Oh right, I forgot- I'm missing some level of appreciation for two jackasses who are so comfortable in their jobs- and so ungrateful for them- that they have no problem cheating their employers by spending a day either yakking aimlessly about football or watching it while on the clock. A few more of these ads, and I'll turn Conservative, I swear.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
The best thing about Christmas being over....is that we'll soon be saying goodbye to these horrible commercials for another eleven months.
Wow, Santa sure is careful to make everything just right for the pretty, wealthy white people, isn't he? So much time and effort to make sure that perfect lives are just a little more perfect.
Meanwhile, how many kids got somewhat cheaper versions of what they really wanted, clothes from Goodwill, or nothing at all?
How many soup kitchens couldn't quite meet demand this year and had to turn away dissapointed, hungry moms and dads and children?
How many parents couldn't spend time with their children on December 25 because the store they work at for minimum wage simply had to stay open* for the idiots who might have to drop by for just one more thing?
I guess that if Santa is going to be so meticulous in getting some snow globes just right- down to the pretty red bow- he's going to have to cut some corners on most of the others, huh?
Hey Santa, I've got an idea what you can do with your Snow Globe. It involves committing an act of...umm....surgery....on yourself.
*I taught on Christmas morning. As I was walking to school I passed the local Whole Foods Market at 7:50 AM. There was a well-dressed white guy standing outside the door, clearly put out because the store was not open for his convenience. At 7:50 AM on Christmas morning. Un. Freaking. Believable.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
1. The look on this woman's face when she sees that her Standard Issue Idiot Husband has taken part of the white picket fence he provided to the game- again. Seriously, if I never see that look on a woman in a tv commercial or sitcom again, it will be too soon. Enough with the beaten-down, Oh Why Oh Why Did I Marry This Jackass You Can Almost See The Blood Dripping From My Hands martyr look already.
2. The "Whaaaaaat?" coming from the guy and his friends- what the hell, does anyone really do that in real life? If anyone does, can they please throw themselves into traffic right now? What do idiots like this guy do for a living that lands them with nice houses in the suburbs, anyway? Something that doesn't require brain cells- but what is it?
3. The question- which of the following scenerios is more likely:
A. Beaten-down, disgusted, bedraggled woman packs up and leaves while hubby is making an ass of himself at the game because she's sick of him making them the laughing stock of Whitebread Avenue, , or
B. Hubby realizes at some point during the game that he's married to a nagging old shrew he would never consider actually inviting to join him at that game because hey, he wants to have fun, or
C. Hubby is told by security that no, he can't bring an actual four-foot section of fence into a football game because, you know, security and such. It's heavy and dangerous. Fences shown being waved by obnoxious idiots on tv are not actually made of wood, Stupid Man, or
D. Hubby is beaten to a pup by the five drunks sitting behind him after he blocks their view of the game for the fourth time by standing up and waving his heavy blunt instrument, or
E. Five drunks didn't wait for him to start waving the fence, but decided to beat him to a pulp the first time he bleated "Whaaaaat?" into his phone, because man that's stupid.
Friday, December 25, 2015
...to convince us that there's something fun, bold, young or hip about their Japanese Blandmobiles.
Seriously, Nissan- nobody gives a damn that you found some desperate-for-cash rap artist to throw together a jingle or an equally desperate-for-cash computer animator to throw together a few images of a fake Nissan manned by pasty-white Eurotrash morons flying through the snow or a desperate-for-cash wannabee actor to yell about how awesome your NothingMobile is. Nobody's buying it. Nissans are ok cars for young families and Generation X'ers who can't afford the Accords- god forbid the Audis- they'd rather own. In other words, they aren't so much Blandmobiles or Nothingmobiles as they are Settlemobiles.
Nice try, though. Now get the hell off my tv screen already. 800 of these per football game is MORE than enough.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Commerical #1: Yeah, I almost want to test-drive a Volkswagen so I can see the look on the salesman's face when I tell him I want to go buy a Christmas tree and strap it on the top of a car I have not yet committed to buy. That's going to happen.
Commercial #2: Can we please get the phrase "the twins" forever banned from commercials? Twins are individual children. They have different names, personalities, wants, and needs. They were born at roughly the same time, that's it. They don't share anything other than a birthday and relatives. Every time I hear someone utter the phrase "the twins" I want to reach out and punch them in the face- and don't even get me started on parents who dress two kids born on the same day in identical clothing. Gross.
Both Commercials: "Can the test drive be over now?" got old several years ago. I've taken test drives. The salesman always decides when it's over. Depicting salesmen as wimpy, helpless baggage at the mercy of customers isn't amusing, and I'm sure the actual salesmen don't appreciate the lame "humor" in this at all.
"Can the test drive be over now?" Damn right it can. Take the keys and tell the customers that the car is heading back to the showroom, and it's not going on any more errands before it does because it's not a rental, jagoffs. Ugh I hate this crap.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
1. The "song." Oh. My. God. If I had children, I'd be horrified that they'd pick this up and adopt it as their own personal National Anthem.
2. The message- that children this age naturally have cell phones already (really?) and that they need cuddly little toys to hold them while they sleep (which is the only time they'll need a cell phone holder, because every waking hour is going to be spent actually holding the phone in your own hand, right?) So the people in this ad are the kind of weird toddler/teenager hybrid that cell phone companies have successfully created by marketing their wares as essential equipment for everyone. In 20 years, these things have gone from being luxuries to body parts which might as well be grafted to the hand.
3. The indoctrination. Give your six-year old a cell phone, and he or she will be consulting it for every answer you went to your parents and actual friends for. Yes, your kid will be constantly entertained and maybe even educated- but not by you. He or she will learn to find knowledge, fun and comfort from a glowing screen- a lesson that will be so ingrained by the time he or she is a teenager that- well, they'll fit right in, won't they?
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Oh yes, this is a really good idea, but be careful of your timing, buddy--
"Hey, honey- thank you for setting aside the fact that I'm a little boy in a man's body because you just really really wanted the MRS degree and the house and the fence and the kids and the SUV and the rest of the package. Now that you've completely settled and you are more or less trapped in this situation, here's a reminder that your husband is still that immature little boy- check out this totally awesome charm bracelet which 'celebrates' a series of movies I correctly adored when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 50) or inexplicably appreciated when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 30.)"
"Before you point out that no one with even a modicum of taste would wear this crap, and that there are roughly 4 million other pieces of jewelry you would rather have received than this stupid, gawdy crud, please remind yourself about the MRS degree, the house, the fence, the kids and the SUV again. I'll be in my Man Cave watching the ESPN Fantasy Football Report, or maybe playing World of Warcraft. When's dinner again?"
Saturday, December 19, 2015
The tagline of this ad comes about as close to "F--k Sharing!" as T-Mobile dares to get. In another year or two, that WILL be the tagline of these ads.
Because sharing data is sooooo yesterday. Nothing lamer than not being able to download that movie or music video because those annoying sapiens who share your house used too much data- sharing sucks! What REALLY matters is your ability to wrap yourself into that giant, warm, electronic security cocoon with your personal data overdose and never have to do anything that involves other human beings EVER.
So this holiday season, say NO to sharing! Next year, we'll be saying something else. But we aren't quite there yet. Stay Tuned! Stay Selfish! Down With Sharing!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
My favorite claim in this unintentionally hilarious commercial is that this tablet is "Holy." Um, really? I'm surprised that it isn't endorsed personally by The Almighty.
I also find it really hard to believe that anyone under the age of 60 would be caught dead holding one of these things. I mean, really- a tablet approved by the Catholic Church, pre-loaded with medieval dogma and blather approved by the Council of Nicea (and links to websites approved by---um, who exactly?) Of course, anyone over the age of 60 who is also a devout Roman Catholic probably doesn't have much use for one of these newfangled satanic internet-connected tablet doohickies anyway, so.....who is this supposed to be marketed toward?
Oh, right- crazy weirdos who can't find crosses big enough to hang from their necks and who wrap their entire lives around the big building down the street with the nice pancake breakfasts, spaghetti dinners and unmarried men who like to tell people how to walk with the ghost of a guy who may or may not have existed for 33 years 2000 years ago.
Seriously, I was dissapointed when I realized that this commercial wasn't actually a parody. Then I realized it would make an awesome addition to my blog. Silver Lining!
Monday, December 14, 2015
Make that "training up the next generation of witless, dullard, socially isolated children who must be constantly drugged/hypnotized by electronic devices. With the help of pathetically useless adults who for some reason had children but can't be bothered to actually communicate with them or attempt to keep them entertained so must drive around in WiFi-equipped cars and provide each of their spawn with their own glowing screens."
Somehow, the kids of my generation managed to take long distance car rides by playing word games and listening to the radio and having actual conversations with our actual parents (back then, parents weren't there just to drive the car and provide the electronics.) Nowadays it seems that kids can't even be in the same room with those parents without those electronics for fear of a tantrum (or a conversation) breaking out. Just imagine what these kids are going to be like when they are adults and they've been weaned on a steady diet of instant-gratification electronic junk. I dare you.
Thanks, Chevy, for not being satisfied with not being part of the solution, but insisting on being part of the problem. And thanks, Mom and Dad, for having me be born long before this ridiculous era.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
..which they are largely responsible for....
"Your family expects gifts this Christmas, but you don't have very much money, Typical Republican-Voting Poor White Male Who Thinks He's Middle Class Because He Manages To Pay His Bills And Has Some Credit and a Mortgage. Here's a way out of a predicament which is only a predicament because you can't be honest with your family about your finances and maybe teach them something about the true spirit of Christmas but simply must perpetuate the myth that Mommy and Daddy are in great financial shape by showering them with crap from Walmart (here's a quick tip: if your kids are over eight years old, they already know you do your shopping at Walmart, which means they already know they are not as well off as the neighbors down the street celebrating the fact that Santa brought them a Lexus.)
"Oh, but please, don't be honest with yourself or your kids. Con yourselves into thinking that you are just One More Credit Card Away from engaging in a financially responsible gift-giving orgy made less ruinous by a $35 credit which vanished the moment you picked out the big-screen tv you don't need but will distract your kids from that Lexus family for at least a few hours every day."
Saturday, December 12, 2015
It's almost frightening to think how many rubes there are out there who think that this commercial is at all funny. It's predictable, it's intensely stupid, it does nothing to sell it's product, and it's just a gigantic waste of time.
If I just insulted you by calling you a vapid rube if you think this ad is funny, well, tough. You have no taste, you have no sense of humor, and if you are a Green Bay fan, you ought to be wondering why Aaron Rodgers isn't spending a little more time with the playbook and a little less time making these asinine little nubs.
But if you persist in finding these ads entertaining, be my guest- and appreciate that Rodgers has joined Eli and Peyton Manning in the Quarterbacks Who Would Rather Make Commercials Than Win Superbowls Club. Tom Brady? He's too busy to join. Guess what he's too busy doing?
Thursday, December 10, 2015
"But dad, penguins live at the South Pole..." chirps Adorable Offspring of Human Pig-Man. Here's a good reply from Dad- better than the delighted chuckle from Trophy Wife:
"Ok, son, I'll admit it. All that crap about penguins and racetracks was just something I made up because I thought maybe you were a little too young to know the truth....but my friends over at Fox Business News told me the other day that it's really never too early for kids to start learning about the Blessings of Capitalism, so here goes...
"You see, Daddy's a hedge fund manager. That means he makes money moving other people's money around in complicated ways, and constantly skimming off the top. Daddy makes more doing that every month than the average coal miner or school teacher will make in three years. And thanks to a political system featuring two parties crawling all over themselves to be the bestest of friends with hedge fund managers, Daddy got to keep practically all that of that money, while coal miners and school teachers hand over a third of their income to the Evil Tax Man every paycheck."
"To make sure Daddy could buy Trophy Wife---errr, Mommy-- the Lexus she wanted so she wouldn't start wondering if selling her body and soul to me was worth it, Daddy did a little work on the side merging a few corporations and getting a few thousand people downsized, which meant a little more in Daddy's bank account come the end of the year."
Adorable Offspring: "Daddy, did those people who lost their jobs get a Lexus in their driveway?"
"No, but don't worry- those people get to ride even bigger cars, with lots of wheels and their own driver. They just have to go out to the street and wait for one to show up."
Adorable Offspring- "Aren't those called buses, and arent' they kind of crowded and gross?"
"Hey kids, who's up for a ride in Mommy's New Lexus? Check out the dual DVD players in the back!"
Monday, December 7, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
This is Steve. Steve has absolutely, positively no shame, and he woudn't know dignity if it bit him in his overfed butt. Steve just wants to be on tv, and if it means doing a dance worthy of a minstrel show for a tax preparation service, well, that's just fine with Steve, because remember that stuff I just said about Steve's shame level?
Meanwhile, the other company that is using "This Is How We Do It" -- Dish Network- is entering the eighth month of it's "limited time promotion" -- Dish Network for $49 per month for 24 months. People who took advantage of the offer last summer are more than a quarter through their "special" contracts. Ugh, can this end now, PLEASE?
Oh, and Steve? Hope the sale of your soul was totally worth it.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
This is the iPhone 6 S. Not much has changed, except that in the expectation that you've become even more of a pathetically helpless knob who can't put his socks on without consulting a website, we've made the newest version of our phone capable of giving you step-by-step instructions on how to do that and other super-complicated things that your parents could do without even thinking twice about it, but which leave you a drooling, befuddled, clueless fleeb.
So run out and get the latest version of our Crutch For Able-Bodied Alleged Adults, which will never leave you spending more than 3.5 seconds pondering any mystery at all but will give you answers from Siri at the drop of a hat (remember when you criticized your kids for saying "why, I can always use a calculator" when you nagged them to do their homework? Pot, meet Kettle.) With the new iPhone 6, Thinking itself is a thing of the past (assuming you've been a steady consumer of Apple products for the past dozen years or so, a thing of the distant past.) Welcome to the Brave New World of instant gratificaiton of every witless query or half-thought that has ever popped into your increasingly vacant skull.
This is why our ancestors fought and died in wars. So this generation could dedicate itself to the consumption of electronics and call asking a phone questions the next big step in the pursuit of knowledge. No, not much has changed. Not much at all. I still hate this century so very much.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Remember when I said that Chrysler pairing with The Hunger Games equaled the worst cross-promotion ever? Well, this one might not be "worse," but it's certainly giving it a run for it's money.
I mean, the Chrysler commercial didn't feature a talking lizard walking along a beach and encountering a wedding, at least. Who the hell gets married on the beach like this, anyway? I like the beach, but I can't imagine trying to arrange a wedding on one, unless it's in a private section. Even then, there are going to be seagulls everywhere. Not to mention the sand getting in everything (and probably rendering the rental tuxes unreturnable) and it being too hot and sunny-- it just doesn't work on any level. At least these people should be wearing Hawaiian shirts.
(Oh wait, it's a "destination wedding"- one of those obnoxious ego-orgies where the couples think that they are so damned important they can force their friends to spend bucketloads of money to travel to another part of the world to watch them exchange rings and still remain their friends.)
Oh and a diamond ring+beach=several dozen people on their knees looking for a rock that doesn't look like all the other rocks. Stupid.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
What happened to that girl this guy was chasing in the other commercial????? Never mind- it's too dark to even think about.
Meanwhile, I feel sorry for people who try to emulate this guy's workout routine- at least, if they try to do it without first consulting a doctor or at least a good chiropractor. Here's a tip- if you want to get into shape, do NOT get workout ideas from Rocky montages or Fitbit ads. Unless what you are really after is a severely torn back muscle or a hernia, most of what this guy is doing is not for you, or anyone else for that matter.
It's almost scary to think how many suddenly-inspired sedentary slugs with money burning holes in their pockets are going to be inspired by this guy to go right out and give themselves a quick heart attack by overdoing it instead of building up to a decent workout. But at least they'll die wearing a pretty watch, right?
Because I like to be helpful every once in a while, check out this article for better advice than "buy this electronic thing and go overboard trying to fix twenty years of sitting on your butt:"