Sunday, December 31, 2023

Is FedEx clueless, or is it just me?


So in the modern era, when schools put on plays they just order a bunch of premade costumes from some Amazon site?  And if the costumes don't show up, the play is ruined, so thank goodness for FedEx because they'll get replacement costumes to the school in a hurry?

I'm pretty sure that when schools put on productions in the past, part of the production included- well, producing the costumes.  At this age, the kids- with a lot of help from their parents- would make the costumes.  In High School productions (at least, the ones organized by our school) a group of artistic kids are responsible for costume and set design and construction.  What else is pre-purchased for kiddie productions these days?  Are the backgrounds prefab too?  Are the scripts produced by some company in California, or an AI program, or what?

Or do the makers of this commercial just have no idea how these things work?  

Saturday, December 30, 2023

SOMEONE took Nyquil....


...but it clearly wasn't the woman in this ad, because the bottle is still completely full* at the end of the commercial.  Maybe she thinks that just looking at it helps relieve her of her cold symptoms.  Or being reminded of who she's married to is the best sleep aid imaginable?

Maybe the guy who filmed this off his tv is the guy who consumed Nyquil.  He doesn't have the steadiest hand I've ever seen.  Then again, we're talking about a guy who was inspired to film- um, THIS- off his tv set, doin' ok, buddy?

*which makes Nyquil the KFC bucket of cold medications- always being consumed, never less than 100 percent full.  Very odd. 

Friday, December 29, 2023

23andMe and a shallow search for meaning with obvious potential pitfalls


"I wonder, was it that makes me who I am?  Is it genetics, nature or nurture...."

Well, I can't tell you what makes you you, lady, but I can tell you what doesn't:  your genetics.  Personally, I think that what makes "you" you is what you do, not what your bloodline reveals about your ancestors.  Who you are related to, what part of the world your family "originated" from (come on, we all originated from the great rift valley in East-Central Africa) etc....none of this will compensate for a life you don't feel you adequately contributed to with your own actions.  Being related to someone important doesn't make you important.  Get over yourself.

Also- so many of these ads highlight relatives "finding each other" and "strengthening family bonds."  But I'd like to see at least ONE that features two people who THOUGHT that they were full siblings but discover through DNA testing that mom was having a little fun on the side which finally helps explain why they look so different.  Surely SNL has done a sketch with this theme but because I haven't watched the show in decades I've missed it?  Don't tell me that these tests have every bit as much potential to fray family ties as they do to strengthen them.  

But getting back to the woman in this ad- if you are looking for the meaning of your life in a vial of spit, well, I don't mean to be overly harsh, but you've done very little with that life and you know it. Encourage your kids to do better.

Thursday, December 28, 2023

This little girl is the dark cloud in what is otherwise a Silver Lining kind of life in this BMW commercial


Oh for chrissakes, just tell this girl who is way too old to believe in Santa that there's no such thing as Santa and spare us any more of her cliche'd "kid voice" our eardrums have been pummeled with since what feels like Forever.  I'd rather listen to a cat with it's tail caught in a mousetrap than any more of that awful "cutesy" bleating.  

I'd also rather watch almost anything more than the adventures of rich spoiled idiots and their Wonderful Suburb Direct from a Hallmark Movie Lifestyle.  But Lexus, Audi and BMW do their best to ruin our December with this tone-deaf trash every single year. 

Sunday, December 24, 2023

It's a Commercial Curmudgeon 2-for-1 deal. Merry Christmas!


Actually, it just looks like a typical car ad, featuring self-centered, entitled jagoffs driving at dangerous speeds down urban streets while paying slight attention to what's in front of them because I'm Driving a Nissan Get Out of My Way. 

("Raptor Bot?" That sounds pretty cool, actually.  Not sure how chasing a truck is going to get you one, though.  Is this how it works- trucks with the name of a toy on them are sure to be stuffed full of that toy?  If that's the case, why didn't it stop at the store where it's sold out?)

No, "Fansville" isn't cursed.  But we viewers sure are- cursed with an apparently endless parade of these brain cell-destroying, will-to-live-sucking Dr. Pepper ads whose charm- never in abundance- dried up several seasons ago.  Some companies beat a cute idea into the ground.  Dr. Pepper beats a cute idea into the ground, digs it back up, beats it again, quarters it, and sends the parts to the four corners of sanity to be nailed to road posts as warnings to us viewers to stop praying for the day that Fansville ads are finally banished from our tv sets.  May that day come sooner rather than later.  

Saturday, December 23, 2023

This iPhone 15 Commercial on an airplane makes negative sense


1.  I'm so sure that Lily not only flies coach, but books a middle seat.  Making her the only person on the planet with her net worth who not only flies coach, but books the middle seat.  This is something that totally happens in real life.  Pretty sure that if I had Lily's money and found myself in the middle seat, I'd bribe the person in the aisle to switch, but maybe that's just me?

2.  Lily is super helpful in providing advice for her thirsty fellow passenger- upon discovering that she's thirsty and can't even afford water,* Lily lets her know that she can get a great deal on an iPhone which by the way has titanium, which makes it an even bigger deal because titanium (in other words, Because Reasons.)  I'm assuming that when Poor Black Woman complains that she can't afford to buy a snack, Lily will chirp something about the great lease deals Lexus is offering through December.  Read the room, Lily. 

3.  Lily isn't going to buy headphones- she's just going to watch something on her iPhone.  She doesn't say "I brought my own headphones," she says "I'll just use my iPhone."  Meaning that not only does her seatmate go thirsty throughout the entire flight, but she'll have to listen to whatever the millionaire sitting next to her is watching on her iPhone which has titanium.  

*water is still free on every flight.  I've never even been on a flight that didn't offer free soda and juice.  I'm trying to wrap my head around a commercial for a ridiculously overpriced electronic status purchase that pretends that airlines are greedy.  I hope that the next time Lily flies she finds herself jammed between Tess Holiday and that 400-lb. lunatic who demands that every airline adopt a "Passenger of Size" policy. 

Friday, December 22, 2023

Suggestions for when to use your "Emergency Pizza"


1.  When years of eating non-emergency Domino's Pizza, Taco Bell and McDonald's finally catches up to you and you just need something to tide you over while you are waiting for the paramedics to respond to your 9-1-1 call.

2.  When people you don't like show up unexpectedly and are clearly not going to leave before you planned to have an actual dinner.  Serve them this and have a late meal after they've finally left. 

3.  When every pizza place on Earth except Domino's is closed, every grocery store has been wiped out by a plague, and you key broke off the tin of the 20-year old can of Spam in your cupboard.

4.  When it's December 31 and you've decided that your New Year's Resolution is to just say to hell with all of it, you've had enough. 

Thursday, December 21, 2023

I guess it's better than putting the money into HerbaLife....


"Liberty Mutual saved me money on my car insurance, and I decided to use that money to avoid an actual job for a little while longer start a dog walking business."

"You might ask, what did you spend the money on?  Well, I went to VistaPrint and ordered a whole bunch of business cards advertising that I'm unemployed and not all that interested in getting an actual job that requires actual skills, so as long as I'm just hanging around at home anyway I might as well walk your dogs for a fee while you are out making a living doing something of value to society."

"You might also ask, 'well, why dog walking?'  Well, if this was the late-20th century the business I'd probably start would be babysitting a lot of kids at my home opening a daycare center, but that's really regulated these days and parents have become a lot more particular concerning who watches their kids- otherwise unemployable unskilled women just don't cut it as "early childhood education teachers" anymore.  I figure for at least a few more years Double Income Couples will still trust clueless wannabe boss babe slobs like me with their dogs, though."

"You might also think, 'what qualifies you to walk dogs?'  Well, as you can see from this commercial, absolutely nothing beyond my conviction that it should be easy, and I want an easy job where I get to call myself boss.  If you think that this is kind of sad because I look like I'm in my late-20s and I really ought to get my head out of my a$$ and start thinking about doing an actual job with a future and stop pretending I can run my own business that isn't Multi-Level Marketing, well, keep your opinion to yourself and leave me to my delusions dreams!"

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

I'm inspired by this Toyota Grandma Camera Commercial....


I don't have any grandchildren, so I'll have to emulate the actions of the grandma in this ad with my godchildren instead....

"Dear Milo and Iris, 

I am so happy to learn that you love taking pictures.  I will never forget how thrilled I was to finally get a Polaroid One-Step Land Camera with cutting edge technology like the Q-light flash and a faux-leather carrying case.   To encourage your passion, I am adding this camera to the Kodak Instamatic 101 I got you for Christmas last year- I even found a few flash cubes on E-Bay for that one!"

And when they are old enough, I know they'll respond:

"Dear Uncle John,

Thanks for another clunky piece of outdated plastic and metal for which I can't find film.  It actually looks pretty nice on the shelf and is a good conversation piece during get-togethers.  Fortunately I can take infinitely better photos with my phone than I could with these museum pieces even when they were new lol!"

I am the best godfather ever. 

Sunday, December 17, 2023

Hey Instacart, how about adding a little life to your ads?


Take a look at the facial expressions of each person in this cringey nothing of a commercial.  It's so stilted and hokey- what's with the nods?*   What's with the guy in the row behind the father and son eavesdropping on the grocery shopping?  Is the game really that boring?  And while we're at it, who the hell shops for groceries on their phone during a game that father probably spent $100 or more on tickets to get into in the first place?

Maybe this is grocery shopping.  It sure isn't acting.  It's just stupid.  Maybe get some actual human beings for the next ad, and come up with some plausible scenario for the ordering of groceries.  

That Uber Eats "What are you doing" commercial featuring Idris Elba....


Honey, I've got some information that you may not have made yourself aware of:  

1.  You are wife No. 3.

2.  Wife No. 1 lasted for four years.  Wife No. 2 lasted less than a single year.  You may or may not be the first Mrs. Elba to see Year Five as Mrs. Elba.  

3.  Take a look at that house you are currently living in.  Take a look at your husband's net worth.  Remind yourself that you are a model who met Idris in a Moroccan jazz bar in 2017, two years before you became Wife No. 3.  Please hang on to that last part- Number Three.  You are Number Three. 

4.  You are seventeen years younger than your husband.  You won a "Ms. Vancouver"  Beauty Pageant, but that was waaaaay back in 2014.  You know what I'm implying.  

5.  Do the math.  Your husband is doing whatever the hell he wants to do.  I suggest you uncross your arms and remove all calendars from that house as quickly as possible.   Pack that attitude away, too.  There are plenty of single models out there who won't bat an eye at multimillionaire movie stars who want to rid their kitchen of fruit flies.  

Saturday, December 16, 2023

Wow, Apple. Just....Wow.


I didn't think it was possible for a commercial to truly make me long for an early death, but this one comes pretty damn close, especially since it's showing up during every. Freaking. Ad Break.  During every. Single. One. Of today's three-game NFL marathon on NFL Network.  

Sometimes I wonder why the comments on ads are turned off.  Sometimes I don't wonder at all.  Guess which time this is?  I mean, other than time to gouge my ears out. 

The sequel to this Capital One Bank ad will be a takeoff on 1983's "Stayin' Alive." You've been Warned.


I guess we boomers are supposed to have our nostalgia bone tickled by the sight of John Travolta (who may or may not be wearing fake padding under that coat) strutting around town to the Bee Gees while using a particular credit card to buy stuff because we are simultaneously supposed to believe it's Santa Claus AND Santa Claus is generating revenue despite giving away toys and never- according to all the canon we've ever been handed- actually handles money. 

(I mean, seriously- what is Santa's credit score, and how did he acquire it? When did Santa buy a car or apply for a mortgage?)

In case the music and strutting didn't do it for us, well, we'll just have Travolta/Santa strut back to 1978 and walk into a disco that is not only inexplicably still operating, but is filled with customers, including a very sad looking Donna Pescow, who looks like she's been told what her paycheck for this appearance is compared to Travolta's- either that, or she's just wearing the same face she's had on since she found out that Angie wasn't going to be renewed for a third season.   What's in your wallet, Donna?  My guess is, not much.  

Friday, December 15, 2023

Hey look who is on a T-Mobile ad- that actor you kind of think you maybe remember, dressed up like a marshmallow!


So I went over to Zoe Saldana's Wiki page and found that I've seen exactly two of her films:  Pirates of the Caribbean:  Curse of the Black Pearl, where she was a bit actor you'd miss if you blinked, and Columbiana, where she was the main star and in almost every scene.  The first film made $654 million and was the fourth-biggest box office hit of 2003.   The second made $60 million and was one of the bigger box office bombs of 2011.*

That being said, Ms. Saldana is apparently worth $40 million, which leaves me wondering why she wishes "her family" would buy the new iPhone Number Whatever.   This woman is very wealthy and 45 years old.  If she wants one of these new phones, I'm pretty sure her budget can swing it. 

On the other hand, if she's seriously considering buying that stupid coat, maybe she really isn't old enough to pick out a phone for herself.  But I guess that's supposed to be the joke?  "Why do I look like a marshmallow?"  Um, maybe because you are wearing an enormous, shapeless white coat that looks like it would prevent you from boarding most elevators?

*Apparently Ms. Saldana was in talks concerning a sequel as late as 2017.  Or so she says.  I'm sure the only reason it got shelved was because of that Illness of which we Shall Not Speak.  I'm also sure that it would have been a cinematic masterpiece and we are all a little poorer for having been deprived of it. 
All snark aside, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I rather liked Columbiana, except when it was being weighed down by the stupid plot-derailing tacked-on love story.  Sure it was as predictable as all get out and as original as your average Hallmark Christmas film; it's still reasonable background noise when I'm doing housework.  And I find it hilarious that the nation of Columbia protested that the film placed the country in a "bad light."  How the hell does one injure Columbia's reputation?

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

Incredibly, Lexus December to Remember beneficiaries get even more unlikeable


It's not enough that this guy owns a Lexus and is married to a trophy wife at his beck and call, but he's got to have a hobby that involves torturing huskies, too?  I mean, come on- sled dogs?  Get a freaking snowmobile.  What's the matter, Lexus doesn't manufacture one so you can't look even more obnoxious to your neighbors?

Jesus, what's coming next year, Lexus?  Cock fighting?  

Monday, December 11, 2023

Five Points Concerning this Gross Jublia Ad


1.  This guy needs to stop grossing out his family and wear some socks.* 

2.  This kid needs to find something to do that keeps her attention so she isn't distracted by her dad's gross feet.**

3.  Is the doctor sitting in the living room with these people?  I don't understand how she's taking part in this conversation.

4.  Why is this kid yelling for mom?  Oh right- because dad's being stupid, and mom will fix this.  Mom fixes everything.  Because Television.

5.  Why are non-medical experts constantly being encouraged to Ask Their Doctor If This Drug Is Right For You?  Isn't that kind of their job already?  Oh right- yes, it's the doctor's job to diagnose and prescribe, but it's the patient's job to "helpfully suggest" expensive prescriptions rather than over-the-counter treatments- unless, of course, the problem is back pain, in which case it's Go Get a Salon Pas Patch and Get Out of My Office Already.  

*seriously, put on some socks you gross, weird little man.

**seriously.  I assume that this house has more than one room.  Is there a reason you're required to play eighteen inches from your father's disgusting toes?

Sunday, December 10, 2023

Two things that really annoy me about this Capital One Bank "Toy Drive" ad


1.  At the end of "How The Grinch Stole Christmas!" (book- 1957, network cartoon- 1966) the Grinch's heart grows three sizes, he realizes he had Christmas all wrong, he returns all the toys he stole, and he even carves the roast beast for all the Whos down in Whoville.  In other words, he's a totally reformed character.  This ad pretends that he still steals toys and is the pre-1957 Grinch in his outlook.  

This is like portraying Scrooge as a vicious, bitter old miser in modern ads (which also happens.)  It makes no sense.  Stop portraying former villains as current villains.*  It's stupid and doesn't fit into the Christmas spirit at all. 

2.  This guy's frozen smile is totally creeping me out.  Get that thing surgically removed from your face, buddy.   You look like someone offscreen has a gun to your head.  

*while we're at it, how about keeping your grubby hands off our memories period and come up with your own characters, music, et cetera?

Saturday, December 9, 2023

I'm supposed to care about this Truist Bank Customer, for Reasons I guess.



 I'll put down serious money concerning the work philosophy of Fernando, the guy who according to this ad has "twenty businesses:"  That he agrees with people like Dave Ramsey and his lapdog Ken Coleman- and Elon Musk-  that people who work more than one job are committing "theft" from their employers for not giving 100 percent of their time to one company.

Never mind that mega-rich CEOs brag about how many companies they serve on the boards of or (like this guy) how many businesses they own outright.  That's totally different, Because Reasons.  If you are a teleworker who isn't available 24/7 for the company that is paying you for forty hours per week, you're a "thief."  Doesn't matter if you get all your work done- when that happens, you aren't supposed to supplement your income by getting all of your work done somewhere else.  You're supposed to ask your original employer for more work (but not more money.)

So the diminishing number of companies that are still permitting people to work from home are beginning to incorporate software to count keystrokes, require those workers to keep their laptop cameras on and have a photo taken of them every other minute or so, and other 1984-style "productivity monitors" in order to prevent employees from trying to engage in "career cushioning," or establishing another stream of income which provides some measure of financial independence from the company.  Because it's bad enough that they don't want to waste time and money commuting to an office so that they can sit in a cubicle and do exactly the same thing they could just as easily do at home; we must make sure that the nose ring is securely fastened to one paycheck and one paycheck only.  

Meanwhile, this guy can have twenty companies and nobody will accuse him of neglecting any of them while he takes a salary from all of them.  This is just fine- again, because Reasons.  Make it make sense, someone.  Make it make sense. 

Friday, December 8, 2023

Another relatable "Wealth Management" commercial from J.P. Morgan


If you are kept awake by worries over paying your rent, settling student loan debts, keeping the lights on or just getting enough food to keep your blood sugar up so that you can get to your dead-end job for another day, well, look at the silver lining:  you could be one of the people in this ad, overwhelmed with "financial noise" consisting of buzzwords describing ways to shuffle money around when all you want to do is drink martinis in the bar of the five-star hotel you are staying at for your business conference. 

So the next time your feet hurt because you've been standing at the register for eight straight hours, or you hear a rumor that your company is about to downsize or rightsize or whatever they are calling Firing People these days, just count your blessings- at least you aren't tortured with thoughts about whether you should invest in junk bonds, crypto or digital pictures of bored apes.  Your problems are so simple compared to the struggles of the one percent.  Why aren't more of you grateful?

Thursday, December 7, 2023

Pizza Hut's confounding definition of value and taste


I don't know who this person is, or what she's talking about,  How exactly does paying $7.99 for warm starch, processed sugar, and enough carbohydrates to put an elephant into a coma (or the average family of fat Americans down for a long afternoon nap) equal a "good value?"  Because it's cheaper than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Grease?  

And "good taste?"  Consuming this mass-produced, bland garbage shows "good taste?"  Because it's not Taco Bell?  Talk about setting the bar low- so low, in fact, that the average American can still step over it without breaking into a sweat.  For now. 

Sunday, December 3, 2023

At least Shaq isn't selling crypto, gambling apps or Not-Medicare "Coverage," but still.....


I guess some people think it's fun to watch Shaquille O'Neill attempt to toss a pizza for a few seconds, and hang out with a few Papa Johns employees for a few minutes, before getting into one of his luxury cars and driving to the airport to climb aboard his private jet to fly off to one of his houses, because it convinces them that this former NBA star with a net worth of $400 million is Just One of The Guys.  I say "I guess," because I don't know, and I don't know because the comment section for this video is turned off.

I think it's entirely possible that some people also think that watching a guy who has rented his name and image to low-coverage, monthly-payment car insurance and high-interest rental "services" to a massive pizza chain in exchange for god knows how much money (which he doesn't need) is a little tone-deaf.  Especially when you consider that those employees Shaq is having fun with won't make in ten years what Shaq made in a week of playing basketball- hell, they probably won't make in ten years what Shaq was paid to do this commercial.  

But again- at least he's only selling trash "food" and not life-destroying addictions or terrible investments in non-fungible non-currency.  That puts him above Jamie Foxx and the ubiquitous Kevin Hart, at least.  Low bar, but Shaq gets over it.  I wonder if he tipped those employees with something other than a signature before driving off in that car, though. 

Friday, December 1, 2023

Gambling has never been easier. Yeah...this is going to end well.


If I saw any idiot staring at a phone screen held two inches from his face, I'd assume he forgot to pack his glasses, not that he was suffering from "single game fixation" or whatever the hell this Not a Doctor says.  At any rate, I guess the message here is that the "cure" for "single game fixation" is to download this gambling app that lets you bet on "any game, any time" with just a few quick clicks that allow you to put your money in jeopardy before you even have a chance to think about it, which I suppose is ok if you're Charles Barkley (pretty sure he can risk $200 for "fun") but sure doesn't sound like a great return for your entertainment dollar if you are the kind of middle-class schmuck this commercial is aimed at.

By the way, this app is also the "cure" for "financial stability."  Take it often enough, and you won't have to worry about regularly having enough money to pay your bills ever again.  No more wondering what to do with your excess cash, because you won't have any.  But hey, it's all just good fun and just in case here's a GAMBLING PROBLEM? toll-free number to call!  No worries!

I thought Life was a series of insultingly stupid commercials encouraging destructive behavior?


Yeah, accepting a job offer is a gamble.  Buying a house is a gamble.  Getting married is a gamble. 

But here's the very worst gamble, featuring the very worst odds:  Gambling.  

I guess we're "supposed" to gamble because it's "fun" and also because if we don't, we are kind of wussy and afraid of life.  You know, like we were supposed to buy crypto for pretty much the same reason a couple of Superbowls ago.  And before that, we were supposed to smoke this or that brand of cigarettes to achieve the same result- to have fun and be seen as cool, if not trailblazers.

I missed getting in on the ground floor of smoking and crypto, and I'm going to miss the current Do This Or You're a Buzzkill Grampa trend, which I guess is making sports more "fun" by betting your financial stability on the performance of millionaires playing what I thought was just a game.  It's not that I don't want to be cool; it's just that I can't afford it. 

Saturday, November 25, 2023

Again: Wendy's, nobody in their right mind would eat food prepared by these people!


I totally support the idea of hiring the mentally ill, but I draw the line when they feel free to start molesting customers. 

In this ad, not only does nobody on the crew have absolutely nothing to do but stare at a customer, but one of them has the effrontery to walk right up to that customer and initiate non-censual physical contact.  I smell a lawsuit.  A big one.

Maybe these weirdos should stick to coming up with "nicknames" for the Wendy's combo meals or whatever the hell they were doing in that other commercial.  At least they aren't getting all touchy-feely with the customers in that one. 

Friday, November 24, 2023

Verizon, the iPhone, and the Holidays: These aren't your parents' carols....


It's not that Nothing is Sacred, it's that what used to be sacred is So Very Yesterday, and what is now sacred is, well, Verizon and iPhones and desire for Shiny Electronic Stuff that is so strong that we get hit over the head with commercials like this.  

So a bunch of strangers show up to sing about the latest stupid toy the already over-indulged Child Living in an Adult's Body wants because it happens to be the Christmas season, as if the Season for Giving Yourself Things isn't all year round these days. 

And the people answering the door just take this in stride.  As do the people in the comment section.  That is, when they aren't asking for the lyrics to the "song" or wondering who the "actors" in this thing are.  Gross. 

Thursday, November 23, 2023

Peloton's Obvious Desperation is Obvious and Desperate.


Your company hit gold in the form of COVID.  Gyms closed down, stimulus checks were sent out, a lot of people in the upper tax brackets were stuck at home = market for fancy expensive exercise bikes with subscription workout sessions.  

Admit it- you would have been perfectly happy to see COVID last another several years.  If you were a James Bond villain, you might be trying to discover a new pandemic to unleash upon the world right now.  COVID was a bonanza for the Exercise from Home Industry.  You were only a small part of that industry, but it made your company what it was at its peak- a winner. 

These ads showing people in love with their Pelotons are almost sad, almost funny in their disconnect with reality.  In one scene, we've got a guy using his bike inside what looks to be a vast, otherwise empty warehouse.  In another, we've got the "relatable" guy munching on a bag of chips which he throws away as the workout gets started like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar (1984 much?  "Smith! 2087 Smith W!  Straighten that back! Good job, Comrade!")

And then we get the "big sale" pitch which finally brings us to the point- Peloton overextended itself, people are going back to the gym, taking spinning classes on basketball courts again, and sales are way, way down for these overpriced status symbols you can't even manage to let your coworkers know you have because you can't figure out how to casually bring it up in conversation.  

You've got a bigger problem, Peloton, and its names are Craig's List and Facebook Marketplace.  No matter how much you drop the price of your white elephants, you probably are not going to be able to match the deals you can get on those and other Please Buy My Stuff My Rent Is Due Why Did I Buy This sites.  Because the gyms are still out there, pretty much every other exercise bike that does the same thing is much cheaper, and yard sales are online 24/7.

Your "good times," which pretty much everyone else considered two years they want to forget as soon as possible, are over.*  Accept it with some dignity, please.

*it's entirely possible that you'll get a small boost right after Thanksgiving, and maybe another one after New Year's Day, but I still wouldn't buy stock in your company unless I planned to sell it to another sucker in the short term.  

Wednesday, November 22, 2023

It's Feast or Famine at American Airlines!


24 hours before the flight, 48 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "It's Time To Check In!"

8 hours before the flight, 32 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "Here's A Chance to Upgrade; Be One of the First to Board for only $49 more by moving to the Main Cabin."

4 hours before the flight, 28 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "Would You Like to Upgrade to First Class for only $99?"

2 hours before the flight, 26 hours before Thanksgiving email:  "YOUR FLIGHT IS CANCELLED.  PICK YOUR NEW FLIGHT" which, unlike my original flight, includes a 3-hour layover in Philadelphia and an arrival at my original destination only 11.5 hours after my original estimated time of arrival; in other words, 30 minutes before Thanksgiving.

Thanks, American.  Happy Holidays to you, too. 

Sunday, November 19, 2023

Taco Bell's seizure-inducing ads for heart attack-promoting non-food


All Taco Bell commercials nowadays that don't feature Pete Davidson* attack the viewer with dozens of still shots of people shoving or about to shove greasy garbage into their mouths while smiling and having fun with friends.  Of course, it's all about the timeless message that consuming this product (in this case, processed meat, oil, cheese and starch) while being with friends makes being with friends just that much more fun.  

In this particular ad, life becomes more fun if you add a Taco Bell Cravings Box- about 2000 calories of nutrient-deficient sludge- to your time with friends.  That regularly ingesting Taco Bell will also cut back on the amount of time you'll have to enjoy your friends- and your life- is left unmentioned, but I thought I'd throw that in here anyway.  

*the ads that include Pete Davidson have the interesting effect of diminishing one's appetite, which makes me wonder why Taco Bell even airs them.  Seems counter-productive, but what do I know about advertising?  I'm just a curmudgeon. 

Saturday, November 18, 2023

Audi Presents: Santa's Gift to Himself?


Ok, I can't even pretend to understand this ad.  Apparently Santa is a mega-millionaire who makes absolutely sure that his own nest is appropriately feathered (and his beard immaculately coiffed) before he has his butler (who isn't even an elf) show him his ridiculous self-driving not-sleigh which he then rides off, sans toys. 

What am I supposed to get out of this?  "Santa" checks his watch and is told "it's time."  Time for what?  Time to leave, I guess- but again, the only "toy" I see is the one Santa gave to himself; the one he's driving.  Where is he going?  I'm left to fill in the missing pieces myself, I guess.  So, here goes:

Santa leaves his very 21st-century palace in his So-21st-Century-That-It-Isn't-Available-To-Mortals-Yet Audi to head off to his workshop at the North Pole- specifically, the industrial region of the North Pole.  Just before he gets there, he changes into a fat suit, rumples his hair, and sticks a pipe into his mouth to achieve the Desired Effect.  Then he walks on to the killing floor toy sweatshop processing center where about a thousand or so Little People have been slaving away to create gifts for everyone from the Amazon packaging line's son (he's getting a paint set) to the hedge fund manager's daughter (she's getting an Audi.)  The elves?  They are getting what they get every year- a chance to worship Santa, the guy who only wants to spread joy throughout the world's children who happen to be Christian or have parents who recognize Christmas as about as religious as Superbowl Sunday.  

When his one evening per year of work is over, Santa climbs out of the fat suit, gets back into his Audi, and returns to his massive estate to check his stock portfolio.  The elves get back to work after their one day per year of vacation time spent in overpriced shacks which surround the toy factory.   Hearts are aglow, etc., etc. 

Friday, November 17, 2023

Where we supposed to do some pre-reading for this Capital One Venture X Black Gold Platinum Other Cool Buzzwords Business Card Commercial?


More to the point, did Jennifer Garner even DO that reading?  Because she doesn't seem to know what this guy's company actually provides to"public."  She says the word "resorts," but a quick google search reveals that Pinnacle Mountain Homes actually promotes itself as a provider of custom-made homes.  

Or, as their website puts it, they take pride in  "enhancing the lives of others by designing, building, furnishing and managing luxurious spaces."  Yeah, this is basically the Lexus of Home Construction.  Which is perfectly fine and all, but- what the hell does this have to do with small businesses?  

And speaking of small businesses, shouldn't Jennifer Garner be getting back to that farm she's supposed to be running?  Oh, right- that particular business doesn't pay for the lifestyle Ms. Garner is accustomed to.  And this is the best her agent can do for her.  Pardon me for not getting the warm feelies because this guy can use a credit card to buy the materials he needs to gouge scars into mountains and fill them with ostentatious second and third homes for his entitled clients.   The only silver lining here comes from reminding myself that the best thing about mountains is, sometimes people fall off them.  

Thursday, November 16, 2023

The War Crime served up at Dunkin Donuts every October


The large version of this monstrosity- the version being shown in this ad- has 1160 calories (more than half of the number an active adult should consume over the course of a day.)  But that's not even the worst part-  it also contains 185 grams of sugar.  That's 47 teaspoons.  Of SUGAR.   That's more sugar than a dozen glazed donuts.  In ONE of these things. 

Note how slim the models pretending to drink this junk are.  Yeah, if you want to stay that way, you'd better continue to pretend to drink it.  Because having one of these a day for five days will, all by itself, put an extra pound of adipose tissue on that body - and I don't even want to get into what it's doing for your blood. 

And if that's not enough to make you stay far away from this diabetes delivery system (and it certainly should be,) well, there's also the fat content:  40 grams, of which 22 are the fatal (saturated) variety. 

Oh well, it's only available for a month, right?  You'll be good after early November, right?  Well, check out the Peppermint Swirl Mocha coffee, which will be available at least through January- and maybe beyond, who knows.  Believe it or not, it's WORSE.  

This place has the best black coffee you can get from a drive-thru (no sugar, no fat, no calories, just flavor once you've waited an hour or so for it to cool down.)  But this stuff...oh my god....what we do to support the sugar industry and pharmaceutical industries....

Sunday, November 12, 2023

Watching Television reminds me of how old I am.


Hey fellow Boomers-

Remember how we used to watch tv, see a commercial for an upcoming show, and think "hey, that looks kind of cool, I might have to check that out?"  Maybe we'd take out the TV Guide and confirm the date and time and which of the three channels we got it would be on. 

Nowadays, 99 percent of the commercials for upcoming shows I see that are not Reality TV involving strangers dating while living in the same mansion or mock series involving a town's obsession with a soda turn out to be on some streaming service I do not subscribe to.  It's not "hey, that looks kind of cool, I might have to check that out."  It's "oh, that looks kind of cool- maybe I should pay a monthly fee to - um, which streaming service is offering this again I already forgot?"  Heck, half the time I see an ad for an NFL game I find out at the end that it's not available to me because I don't subscribe to the right service.  

I don't think it's just because I'm old, either.  There are over SIXTY of these services available worldwide, half of which boast more than ten million subscribers.  Clearly the Age of Free Television, which dawned in the 1950s, is passing quickly, rapidly replaced by streaming services popularized by people who, when they aren't buying iPhones or complaining about student debt,* are eagerly throwing money at this provider or that provider because everything must be available all the time.

I thought it was getting bad when MLB playoff games were moved to cable-only channels, because yes I'm SO old I can remember watching even the earliest series on free network television.  Then the NFL network, ESPN, and now Peacock have begun to swallow up professional football.  I imagine the next generation will shake its head in disbelief that there was once free content that was something other than attractive people pretending to love or hate each other when not engaged in gladiatorial contests involving rubber mallets.  

*I'm not letting this go.  Pay your damn bills, you brats. 

Saturday, November 11, 2023

More fun from Capital One!


You may remember Jennifer Garner from such films as.....well, actually, if you're under the age of forty,  you probably just know Jennifer Garner from her apparently endless willingness to shill for Capital One.  After all, she hasn't been in a big budget film in almost twenty years and she's NEVER been in a hit movie. 

Oh, but she's also a small business owner, and we all must worship at the altar of small business, so there's that.  We're also supposed to care, for the same reason we're supposed to care about all small businesses:  Because Reasons.  Know how much I actually care about Jennifer Garner's ability to float debt using her Capital One card?  About as much as I care about any small business.  Or Jennifer Garner.  

Friday, November 10, 2023

Why does Capital One do this? Of course, we know the answer....


There IS a reason for the aggressive, in-your-face affirmations that launch this ad for a credit card- and they have nothing to do with making us feel better about having to rely on self-imposed debt in order to "build a credit score" (prove worthy of that debt) and buy stuff we need to escape from the otherwise soul-crushing reality of being too poor to appear anything close to successful in modern America.  

Rather, it has everything to do with convincing us that we "deserve" nice stuff and if we can get that nice stuff through the use of a piece of plastic connected to a bank, we should do it and stop limiting ourselves to only buying things we can afford.  I mean, it's 2023.  Nobody does that anymore.  

So buy those pizzas, climb into that new car, sign a lease on that new apartment- because you've borrowed and paid back enough to be deemed Worthy of More Debt by the banking industry, and how much more affirmation do you need than that?

Sunday, November 5, 2023

Morgan, Morgan and the Art of Always Demanding More


There's a whole series of these "Miss More" ads presented by Morgan and Morgan ambulance chasers Personal Injury Attorneys at Law, and they all star the same person, which creates a very awkward situation in which it's hard to imagine anything other than the main character being a total scam artist  getting rich filing nuisance lawsuits.  I mean, come on.  This really isn't the kind of ad campaign you can pull off with one actress.  It looks sketchy as hell.

Especially since Miss More never appears to be even the slightest bit injured in any of these ads.  She does, however, look almost demented in her happiness as she files yet another personal injury lawsuit. Remind me to never ever drive in the same zip code as this woman.  I'd never knock another woman's hustle, but that doesn't mean I want to be part of it. 

Man, the messaging in these ads is weird.  I might have to do another one somewhere down the road.  As I said, there's a whole series of this garbage. 

Saturday, November 4, 2023

Hey PETA- check out this Kia Sportage Commercial!


Thankfully, the eagle that seizes this woman's reason for living smartphone flew very slowly, very low, was careful to stay near the road (not that these douchenozzles would have stayed on the highway to avoid killing wildlife if the eagle had swerved away from the pavement) and built it's nest very low to the ground so that this stunningly entitled woman could rescue her soul phone from that nest. 

And as a bonus, as near as we can tell the eagle's heart didn't explode from being chased at high speed by a huge, noisy metal behemoth chasing it through the desert.  Nor- as near as we can tell- were any of its young injured because Disgusting Horrible Woman simply had to retrieve her drug phone instead of oh, I don't know, just getting another one in a few months which is probably what she had planned anyway. 

You suck, KIA.  You suck really, really hard.  I don't care if this is a CGI eagle or, as suggested in the comments, is the pet of some trainer.  The optics are terrible.  Do better. 

Friday, November 3, 2023

Google, and Smart Phones in general, provide excellent reasons why even Millenials hate Millenials.


(Full disclosure:  I'm a Boomer.  But my point is that you don't have to be a Boomer to hate several things about these ads for ridiculously expensive toys or the people who insist on buying them.  You just need to have brain cells and a sense of shame.)

1.  When they aren't complaining about their student loans or their rent payments or the refusal of their employers to let them work from home, they are standing in line to buy the Very Latest Must Have Electronic Device because it has Titanium (because that sounds cool, not because it actually means anything) or (in the case of this ad) it has a Reality Eraser which you know people like this dumb ugly geek really, really wish they could have in Reality.

2.  They spend way, way too much time in their fleeting youth gasping for attention like a fish flopping around at the bottom of the boat.  This guy "needs" a $2000 phone because the one he bought six months ago isn't quite good enough to allow him to make a universally famous jackass of himself express himself to the world because, as I mentioned earlier, Reality keeps getting in the way.

3.  Total tools with way, way too much time on their hands pollute the comment sections of videos like this to express their admiration for the Shiny New Thing with a Camera (and maybe even Titanium!) that they really really desperately need to guy like yesterday Because Reasons, Reasons including "my life sucks because I don't have this and it will totally not suck the moment I get it."

In conclusion- every time I see one of these commercials, I feel a little less concerned for people from middle-class and upper-class suburban backgrounds struggling in dead-end jobs and burdened with student debt.  And I know that there are plenty of people out there half my age who feel the same way because seriously, you are shaming your own generation every time you buy in to this crap.  Just look at the comments posted in response to this ad.  It would be shameful if shame hadn't  died years ago.  RIP, shame.  We miss you!

Sunday, October 29, 2023

One of the most racist commercials I've ever seen. Thanks, Aetna Medical Solutions!


Oh my god just check out the elderly woman as she- um, "saunters"- into the enormous kitchen of what is clearly a very substantial house to interrupt a conversation concerning Medicare benefits.  And while you're doing that, check out her liberal use of- um, the Queen's English- as she, um, "contributes' to said conversation.

Somehow we are supposed to believe that a woman who looks like she forgot to take the shirt she's wearing off the wire hanger it was on is "just loving" her "silver boxing lesson" which her friend Edna recommended, I suppose.  Never mind- that's quickly interrupted with Edna saying something that sounded to me like "Zero dollar monkey plan premium" the first six times I listened to it, followed by "Thank You Edna" which makes zero sense unless they are both named Edna.

The second Edna gives us a long drawn-out "Uh-HUHHHHH" to let us know that she's urban and black despite living in a house that is obviously in a wealthy suburb and then reveals that even though she's  enrolled in "silver boxing" despite having arms that look like she shared a cage with John McCain back in the late-60s she needs to be constantly reminded to do things by Edna # 1.  Things like getting to dental appointments.  We know she did that because she wants to protect a "million dollar smile" that we never see and no, we aren't going to complain.  We see more than we wanted to already.

Instead, let's complain about Aetna's marketing team deciding that this was a good representation of well-off elderly black people.  As I said in my opening sentence- oh my god.  What on earth were you thinking, Obviously Entirely White Advertising Firm hired by Aetna?

Saturday, October 28, 2023

Of Marines, Navy Federal Credit Union, and Hypothetical Situations involving penguin costumes.

So I guess the answer this guy's question "what would happen to me if I didn't have a Navy Federal Credit Union Account and it's identity protection services" involves a very complicated but nothing resembling logical series of events:  Someone wearing a penguin mascot costume would steal his credit card and then wait to be noticed so that he could point out that he stole the credit card- rather than, you know, just running away.  The guy wearing the costume would then wave at the marine he stole the credit card from while holding the stolen credit card in his wing instead of concealing it.  The guy wearing the penguin costume would then carry out the next step of his ingenious plan- running away from two twenty-something marines while wearing a penguin mascot costume (the REAL genius comes in knocking over a trash can to slow down his pursuers, since obviously the marines couldn't possibly disobey the Do Not Walk on the Grass signs that I assume exist even though I don't see them because if they don't exist this makes even less sense than....well....then it already does.
I don't know.  This doesn't strike me as a particularly compelling reason to get a Navy Federal Credit Union card, but I'm not in the navy or in the market for a penguin mascot costume so what do I know.  By the way, I apologize for the weird formatting- this always happens when I have to embed an ad from for some reason.  

Friday, October 27, 2023

I don't know who Timothee Chalamet is....


...but I've never been more happy to discover that I was watching a commercial for cologne.  That's because for several seconds I was convinced that another classic song was being used to sell a car or a phone.  Since it's for a perfume, for some reason I'm ok with it; I suspect the reason is because it's not for a car or a phone.  Tomorrow I'll probably be irritated that the Moody Blues sold out, but for now, I'm just glad they didn't sell out for the standard crap companies that seem determined to gobble up the songs of my youth like Pac Man going after pixels. 

Thursday, October 26, 2023

Two for One: Taco Bell urges us to Start Our Day Very, Very Wrong, and that stupid Google Pixel Pro Ad


Is it just me, or does Pete Davidson look genuinely annoyed that millions of Americans might be waiting until lunchtime before ingesting life-shortening poison courtesy of Taco Bell?  

I don't know....I think that after I heard this woman scream like that at being offered a wedding ring, I'd opt for the wind noise instead.  It doesn't sound like an "I'm so happy" scream.  It sounds more like a "there's a dead mouse in that ring box!" scream.  Want to rethink this, buddy?  I mean, there are actual ADULTS out there who might be interested in marriage....

Sunday, October 22, 2023

Reality check for the Dos Equis "Ukulele Guy"


Poor, poor Ukulele guy.  Didn't you know that there are only a few acceptable forms of activity allowed while sitting in front of a beach or camp fire with "friends?"  Strumming a ukulele is not allowed.  Humming is not allowed.  Here are the things you ARE allowed to do:

1.  Stare at your iPhone and exclaim with delight every few seconds as your bets on FanDuel come through.  Do this as loudly and ostentatiously as possible so that everyone knows that you are winning on FanDuel.  Because being a gambling addict was something to be ashamed of a few years ago, but it's something to celebrate now.  Just ask Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx or any number of shameless paid shills for the industry. 

2.  Just stare at your iPhone and talk about how awesome and brand new it is and how you got a great deal on it and how everyone else there ought to get one Because Reasons.

3.  Go on and on about how awesome the Beer Everyone Without Exception is Drinking tastes because that's totally something people do in the real world. 

But if you insist on playing the ukulele and humming, expect your "friends" to tell you not to.  And then you can either put away your ukulele or you can tell your "friends" that you didn't ask for permission, don't give a flying f--k if they approve, and that you didn't complain when they squealed about FanDuel or gave obnoxious commercials for their iPhones so they should shove it up the orifices they don't use for breathing.   And those people on the yacht?  Don't even get me started on those people on the yacht.

Saturday, October 21, 2023

Makes those Lexus December to Remember commercials look relatable.


I can tell you that when I take my luxury jet from an important business meeting and then climb into my $100,000 truck to drive the final miles to my $10 million dollar estate to exchange "man it's awesome to be stinking rich" shit-eating grins with my trophy wife, I feel exactly the way Derek Jeter must feel like in this ad- Life is Very, Very Good. 

Can we move on to getting luxury cars wrapped in big red bows now?

Friday, October 20, 2023

You have to feel sorry for the woman in this Progressive "instant replay" ad


I mean, she's a female actress hired to be in the newest ad of Progressive's "instant replay" series.  So not only would she be in a commercial that would be shown during sporting events and therefore seen by millions, she could be 99 percent positive that she'd emerge the hero of the 20-second story because after all, she's a woman and it's 2023.

Then she found out that her recollection of events would be challenged by....a "precocious"* child actor (is there any other kind?) and at that moment probably realized that she drew the shortest straw of the bunch.  In the land of television commercials, there's only one thing more certain than a woman winning an argument against a man, and that's a child winning an argument over an adult. 

So sorry, lady- you had to play Sucker to a little brat who decided to jump into a conversation being held by two adults because That's What Smartass Kids Do on TV.  Should have got her that iPhone like she wanted; then she would have been too busy dancing for total strangers or just watching something equally stupid and brain-cell murdering to notice that you were pointlessly lying to your fellow Suburban Princess.  Maybe next time you'll get a script that has you in an argument with a fellow adult who is also male; you'll get that mic drop moment, guaranteed.

*a Latin term meaning Obnoxious and Eminently Punchable. 

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Hey Volkswagen? This trope is really stale.


1.  We get it after two times.  We don't need to see dad pop back into the car more than that.  We aren't stupid.  We get it.

2.  Of course mom has to be the total killjoy here.  What are you worried about, TrophyMom?  Hubby's going to be late for work?  Seems to me that he's handled that well enough to buy that house and that car.  Little girl is going to be late for Preschool?  Seriously, I think that's a crisis she'll survive.  What is the matter with you?  Boyfriend already late and will be pulling into the driveway at any moment?  Oh right- hubby is having fun with Daughter.  Can't let that happen.  Hubby's job is to make the money, pay the bills, and get Daughter to preschool.  Mommy's job is to have fun with Daughter.  Stay in your lane, dad!

3.  Mom didn't deserve a sheepish "ok, ok, I'm going" from dad.  She deserved a "WTF is your issue?" from dad.  She doesn't get it because this is 2023 and women are always in the right in ads these days and- more important- dads are always in the wrong.  Even when they are trying to spend some quality time with their children.    When will you ever learn, Dads?

Saturday, October 14, 2023

There's just so much Weird and Awkward in this Otezla Commercial


Ok, so the gawky weird guy is getting out of the Uber in front of the movie theater to start a blind date with Tara, aged 33 years.  I'd assume that Tara didn't get a picture of Ned because otherwise she would have noped right out of there- I mean, come on, he's nowhere near good looking enough to be with this woman- but she recognizes him, so I guess she's all in.  Desperation is a strange thing....

Ned (of course his name is Ned.  Jeeeeeeshhh....)  is instantly concerned about his plaque psoriasis (I can't believe it only took me three tries to get the spelling right) which brings me to the question I ask every single time I see one of these ads- why do people self-conscious about red splotches on their arms and legs wear less clothing than most beach-goers?  It's like they WANT to feel uncomfortable.  Just wear a long-sleeved shirt, you dope- it's an evening date, it's taking place almost entirely in an air-conditioned theater, I mean, what the hell?

I'd love to know what's happening on the screen when Ned and Tara react so violently that popcorn flies up (but not out) from Ned's bucket and soda flies up (but not out) of Tara's cup.  I'd think it must be happening during the opening credits or even during the coming attractions because it doesn't look like they've consumed any of their snacks at all but that doesn't make any sense because we also see a guy already fast asleep.  Judging from the look on Tara's face, it's a positive moment in the film, plus we see a little kid for whom the scene has no impact at all.  Why do we see these other people anyway?  What do they add to the story?

When the film is over, Ned and Tara exit the theater and Ned gives Tara the most stilted, awkward hug I've ever seen- the five percent chance he had of ever hearing from Tara again vanished with that hug, I guarantee it.  I'm an expert on dating, you know.  

Is this a new trend in dating- you just meet someone outside of a movie theater, sit next to them during a film, and then say goodbye when the film is over and go your separate ways?   Who pays for the tickets and snacks in this arrangement?  What's in it other than avoiding the "shame" of going to the movies by yourself?  Other than running the risk of being seen sitting next to Ned- and getting that wooden hug at the end- this seems like a pretty sweet deal for Tara if Ned is my Boomer idea of a gentleman who paid for everything.  

Oh yeah, this commercial is for some drug that clears your skin, I guess.  I mean, who cares?  I want to know if Ned is Blocked before he gets home in his second Uber ride of the night, or just Ghosted.  See how I know the cool terms?  I'm hip to the current lingo, man. 

Friday, October 13, 2023

A decade of this Buffalo "Gold" coin scam. Unbelievable.


I wonder how many elderly, hard-of-hearing, or just plain not-very-smart people have fallen for this scummy bait and switch commercial in the dozen years or more it has polluted American television (literally the ONLY thing that changes is the date stamped on this "tribute" to a coin that has actual value but is not being offered for sale in this ad.)   It's kind of sad to think about how many grandparents have scooped up this worthless garbage, thinking that they are adding to their retirement security or maybe leaving something worthwhile to their beloved grandchildren.  And all because they don't catch where the narrator flips from talking about a coin that has a significant amount of gold and is ACTUALLY MONEY to discussing the COPY/TRIBUTE/MIGHT AS WELL CONTAIN CHOCOLATE piece of shiny crap.

Oh but there is some good advice at the close of the ad from 2011:  "Avoid future disappointment and regret."  Yes, indeed.  Avoid these things by never, ever responding to these ridiculous offers to sell pretty pieces of tin for actual money.  I mean, there's no way anyone regrets not buying something in 2011 that is still available in 2023 for basically the same price.  What a joke. 

EDIT:  Upon a second viewing, I see that this not-coin was being offered for $19.95 in 2011, but the 2023 version is only $9.95.  So unless there are a bunch of weirdos out there who consider the 2011 trinket "vintage" or "classic," it's not even a good investment as a collector's item.  I think I'll "avoid future disappointment and regret" and wait to buy the 2033 version, which at this rate should be available in boxes of Cracker Jack.

Sunday, October 8, 2023

FanDuel Commercials are the Definition of Garbage Time


There's something almost fascinating about watching an addiction being promoted as a glorious thing on national television.  One scene after another of zombie gamblers staring at screens with bated breath, as a very consequential moment that used to mean Victory or Defeat for one's favorite Sportsball team but now may mean Mortgage Payment or No Mortgage Payment, presented as a way of making a game more "exciting;" no, actually, as a way of making a game worth watching at all.  It's fascinating and disturbing at the same time, like a five-car pileup on the Jersey Turnpike.  Now imagine that five-car pileup on the Jersey Turnpike being presented as an example of how driving is Much More Fun. 

It's no secret that online gambling has taken over the promotion of professional sports; even credit cards, trucks, and alcohol can't compete.  Entire pregame and postgame shows are sponsored by these vultures, and the most famous faces in Hollywood have moved on from peddling crypto to hawking the joys of risking money in the stupidest way imaginable that doesn't involve the Multi-Level Marketing.  The current sports era is, in fact, Garbage Time.  Let's hope it doesn't last too long or cause TOO much damage, but right now, I'm downright nostalgic for those ads questioning my manhood if I didn't invest in Bitcoin.

Saturday, October 7, 2023

Another shot at those stupid Ethos Life Ads


Two out of the three couples featured in this ad are young, and even the third couple looks like they are fit and no more than late middle-age.  Yet they are enthusiastic about buying life insurance from a company that does not require the medical screening that could reward them for their good health.  

I'll ask again- why would ANYONE who is young and in good health WANT to be in the same pool of customers as elderly people or young people who are in BAD health?  If you're in a low-risk, high-reward category in the actuarial tables, why would you opt to ignore that and go with a quickie online service that treats you like you waited until you were in your mid-70s and had heart disease before signing up?  In other words- and yes, I've asked this before- why are you putting yourself into the same category as the old woman with tubes up her nose who called those nice people at Colonial Penn about their "$9.95 plan?"

There's a reason why you shop for life insurance when you're young- to lock in a low rate based on your low level of risk to the insurance provider premium taker.  Every time I see young people expressing happiness with Ethos Life or any other "just fill out a form online, no unnecessary medical questions*" service, it's just the ultimate in cringe for me.  Youth is wasted on the wrong people!

*what are "unnecessary medical questions?"  If you want to buy Life Insurance from a particular company, you answer the questions they ask- they are "necessary" because they are a prerequisite for buying their product.  You wouldn't tell the bank that your annual salary is an "unnecessary" piece of information when applying for a loan if they asked for it.  YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT IS NECESSARY WHEN SEEKING OUT A SERVICE.  

Friday, October 6, 2023

Dunkin Donuts and the Limited Time Only item nobody misses when its gone


I have a theory concerning Everything Pumpkin Spice that appears between roughly September 20 and November 10 every year.  And I'm afraid that I'm using the scientific definition of "theory," which means it's absolutely the truth beyond any reasonable doubt, or as close to Truth as you can get outside of a Philosophy Class.

My theory is this:  nobody really likes any food item that carries the label "Pumpkin Spice."  Instead, we order and consume these items out of some misplaced social obligation.  It's autumn, so we are supposed to buy coffee, cakes, donuts with this weird flavoring added which reflects what the time of year is supposed to look like to people who live in about one-fifth of the country.  And we are supposed to pretend to enjoy it because, again, it's all about the season and mass hypnosis.  But nobody actually enjoys this flavor, as evidenced by the fact that nobody eats anything made out of pumpkin any other time of the year and nobody goes into mourning when Thanksgiving rolls around and no pumpkin spice anythings are to be found anywhere.

Pumpkin spice is, in other words, the Eggnog of the Autumnal Season.  

Well, I for one am not buying in.  I'll eat a slice of pumpkin pie if it's covered with whipped cream and nobody had the good sense to make a pie out of apples instead.  Just to be nice.  But I'll barely pretend to like it, and if asked I won't hesitate to wonder out loud where the apple pie is.  That being said, nobody is going to convince me to ruin my coffee by adding "pumpkin spice" (is this available on the spice rack at any store?  I've never seen it) and I don't care how chilly it gets or how many crunchy leaves are underfoot.  I'm taking my stand and I'm not bravely drinking a "spice" I don't want to drink and you can't convince me that you want to either and you can't make me so there. 

Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Is this Ox Car Care Commercial just a bit racist?


...because Mickey Rooney's character in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" thinks that this commercial is a bit racist. 

But setting the clickbait aside for a moment- "what a RELIEF" exclaims the woman in this ad, not once but twice, upon hearing that IF (when?) the family car breaks down on the way too or from the Big Family Reunion, the repairs will be covered by Ox Car Care because of course they will.  

Who thinks like this?  "Oh honey, I was so worried about taking this long road trip to the family reunion- but now that I know you called some 'car warranty' company you heard about on the radio, I'm ready to pile into the car and head out on a long trip in a car I obviously have zero faith in..."  I mean, come on.

And of course the two of them go back and forth on how Ox Car Care will take care of things like oil changes and tire rotations, like these are issues one thinks about just before heading out on a long road trip.  I know that whenever I drive up or down the East Coast, which I do several times a year, I think "if I need my tires rotated or my oil changed during this trip, is it covered by my car warranty* or will I have to pay out of pocket?"  

And it sounds like the guy JUST called Ox Car Care, which means he thinks he's instantly covered for a trip they are taking like RIGHT NOW.  Not that car warranty contracts are worth anything anyway, but they sure as hell aren't going to be paying out the day after you sign up for them.  How stupid are these people?  Oh right, stupid enough to be "relieved" because they signed up for Ox Car Care.

*I don't have a car warranty, or any extended warranties of any kind.  Because I'm not a moron.  I'm also not racist, and maybe this commercial really isn't after all because there are other Ox Car Care Commercials featuring people who don't sound black being just as stupid about car warranties. 

Saturday, September 30, 2023

A better idea for fans of FanDuel...


Instead of thinking like a retired NBA player worth hundreds of millions of dollars who couldn't care less if he loses a few hundred dollars on "innocent" bets every weekend because after all, you've got hundreds of millions of dollars and on top of that are getting paid to pimp a betting App, instead maybe think like you're a middle-class male between the ages of 20 and 40- the principal demographic for these ads- and put those hundreds of dollars into your 401(k), a college fund for your kids, or PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING ELSE other than a stupid, addictive betting App?

And maybe don't listen to Charles Barkley, Kevin (I'll Sell Anything, Just Give Me the Money) Hart, Jamie (Yeah I've got an Oscar But Money is Money) Foxx, or any of the other multi-millionaires out there who are perfectly happy to pick up what is for them chump change to peddle an electronic drug that will cause real economic hardship for 90 percent of the people who use it (you think they are giving money away?  Where do you think the winnings come from?  THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.)  You think these people are funny and entertaining and this is harmless?  Then why is there a toll free number in tiny script at the bottom for people with "GAMBLING PROBLEMS?"  Why is the new angle to push gambling apps with "Responsible Betting"* settings with "Limits" and "Tips" on how to "control" your betting- you know, to "keep it fun?"  You don't see disclaimers like that when ads show people just watching games, though when you see the kind of crud we're encouraged to ingest while viewing, maybe we "eat Doritos responsibly?"**

*no such thing.

**again, no such thing.

Friday, September 29, 2023

That dumb, "We've been out of ideas forever" GEICO airport security line ad


1.  "You too" was just an impulsive response.  Stop making it a big deal, security person.  He was just being polite.

2.  While we're at it, just shut up and keep your eye on the next person coming through security.  That you hate your job isn't the traveler's problem.  He didn't talk you into being an airport security drone.  It's not his fault your life ended up like this.  Zip it, Karen.  

3.  This is nobody else's business.  I don't get why anyone else is responding.  Actually, I don't even get how anyone else even HEARD his "you too."  I've been in security lines at airports.  Everyone is just trying to keep track of their wallets, tickets, shoes, belts and bags.  Nobody is paying any attention to anyone else.  

4.  Are we supposed to believe that the pasty white fat kid is going on vacation with the black guy?  Yeah, no he isn't.  Please, ad agencies, just stop this.  I get the diversity thing and all but- Please, just stop this.  This is the dumb. 

5.  Yeah, the last guy has a point.  Wear socks when you fly.  We're trying to have a society here. 

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Ethos Life Commercials are so ridiculous.


In every one of these Ethos Life commercials, the people who are worried about purchasing life insurance look like they are young and have money.  In the radio ad, the couple sound like they are in their late-20s and have a very young child.  

I'm not saying that these aren't the people who should be in the market for life insurance.  There's nothing wrong with buying life insurance while you're young.  The problem I have is with young people who are supposed to be attracted to Ethos Life because there's "No medical exams" or "health questions" attached to the application.  These are advantages for old, sick people who know that buying life insurance at their age and in their condition is going to cost a lot of money and that's why they've put off shopping for it.  Colonial Penn really hypes up the "we'll sell to anyone" pitch.  But it makes ZERO sense for young, presumably healthy, presumably nowhere near death couples to be excited about buying life insurance that won't be giving them any credit for their health status.  It would be like a person with an 800 credit score renting furniture- from Aaron's or Rent A Center.  Or someone with an immaculate driver's record going to The General for car insurance.  Or someone with two brain cells thinking that buying an extended "warranty" from the nice guy with the Indian accent on the phone is a good plan.

In other words, for the people in these ads to be signing up for insurance from Ethos Life is like watching them just chuck money into the bonfire.  It's really dumb and it grates on me every time. 

More Jardiance Nonsense!


I can control my A1C
Check out me, a singing blueberry

Then I'll pretend to talk to friends
In real life I gasp like I got the bends

How many of these ads will they let me make
before viewers notice that my smile's fake

I'm in pain during this whole thing
Which is why they dub in the part where I sing

You can watch your diet and stop eating crap- but still
wouldn't it just be easier to take an expensive pill?

Saturday, September 23, 2023

Someone remind West Virginia that you can't go home again


...and daddy, won't you take me back to Muhlenberg County?
Down by the Green River, where Paradise lay
Well I'm sorry, my son, but you're too late in askin'
Mr. Peabody's coal train has hauled it away.*

Here are two more accurate ideas for a good West Virginia Tourism Motto:

"Give us Another Chance; This time we'll vote to join the Confederacy."  (And this time, we'll let you depart in peace.)

"West Virginia:  Where we love the Affordable Care Act, but man do we hate Obamacare!"

"West Virginia:  The Air Quality of New Jersey and the Voting patterns of Alabama in one convenient place."

*Ok, ok, I know that the song is about a county in Eastern Kentucky, but....Eastern Kentucky, West Virginia, really, what's the difference?

Friday, September 22, 2023

GEICO keeps pounding us with this stupid crap


I have a very nice apartment in a good location that doesn't have invasive weeds.  I don't care where this guy's house is- I'll trade my apartment for his ridiculous palace any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  Because I'll just dump enough chemicals to make Rachel Carson rise from the grave and chastise me instead of running around my multi-million dollar abode complaining about WEEDS.

I don't know why anyone finds the endless whining of the upper middle class interesting, let alone funny, but I guess that's just my problem.

"We love our house."  Shut up after uttering these words.  Enough already.

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

If your addiction could sing to you, I guess it would sound like this?


Really, what else is there to add?  This woman has an unbreakable bond with-- her electronic devices.  She simply MUST go from screen to screen, and every moment that she isn't staring at a glowing box is a lost moment that she can't get back....or something. 

And to make it worse, the message seems to be that in the tiny fractions of her life in which she is not looking at that way-too-important human connectivity substitute, the devices are calling to her.  Well, yeah, as I understand it this is exactly how addictions DO feel.  She's not dealing with "food noise" or "alcohol noise" or "nicotine noise."  She's dealing with electronics noise- she MUST get to a place where she can get out her phone or her tablet or SOMETHING and get back to staring at something glowing and stupid before that voice in her head reminding her that she hasn't looked at an expensive box of plastic, metal and glass for several seconds drives her nuts.

Yeah, this is an advertisement, well, therapy, actually.  But if you ask the people who made it, its an ad for Galaxy or foldable phones or something.  And if you ask the people in the comments sections, it's about a remix of a great song that we must must must download right now Because Reasons.  And if you ask one particular person in the comments, its a desperate lunge for attention from total strangers in the form of a truly pathetic "please comment"  story about a dog dying.  What gets into some people?  I have no idea, and I'm not sure I even want to. 

Wow- for having nothing left to add, I sure ended up having plenty to add.

Sunday, September 17, 2023

This Capital One Card Commercial features a very Punchable Fail

I'm not at all sure why we are supposed to celebrate this pasty white guy's appropriation of Mexican cuisine for profit; is it because he seems to earnest and enthusiastic about his stupid small business which- I'm sorry, I don't care what he says- is exploiting people much, much less fortunate than himself for the sole purpose of making one more White American wealthy off the backs of poor people in another country?

And am I the only one who thinks the phrase "bringing matzah to the masses"* is equal parts cringe and condescension?  Who are the masses, Mr. Super Important Business Owner?  Am I part of those faceless "masses?"  Well, if you ever accidentally ask my opinion, I'll tell you where you can jam your credit card, your small business, AND your matzah.  And here's a spoiler alert:  It's not going to be pleasant.

*apparently I'm NOT the only one who found this line somewhat (entirely) lacking in taste; it's been purged from the latest version of the ad.  This still stinks of the ugly American, though. 

Also- am I even hearing that right?  I think he's saying "matzah" and the commenters think he's saying "matzah," but does a company that mass-produces matzah even make sense?  The masses know what matzah is and what it tastes like; I know this because we aren't buying it.  I wouldn't eat it if you gave me a plate of it for free, but this guy thinks I'd love it if I just could find a way to buy it?  What the hell?