Saturday, October 31, 2015

AT&T girl does it without a net OR a calculator

1.  "You can get 15 gigs of data for the price of 10 so that's fifty percent more data."  Wow, thank you cute AT&T girl- gee, you'd think that a woman who obviously has a PhD in math would be able to land a better job than saleschoad at a cell phone store.   I guess I should thank you for not tearing a pretzel in half in this ad.

2.  This guy couldn't just tell cute AT&T girl that he wanted more data- he had to invent the "need" for more data for his son.  And I have no idea why.  When was the last time anyone looked down on someone who claimed to "need" more data?  I thought we were all supposed to be chasing as much data as possible.   This guy sounds almost ashamed.

3.  This guy's wife has the same "yep, this is what I married and gave my life to" look on her face as every other woman in every other commercial.  I don't blame any of them, but it is kind of odd that commercial writers always feel the need to acknowledge that they are depicting guys as morons by also showing their spouses as defeated, deflated and resigned to the situation they got themselves into.

4.  One more thing about this guy- I can't get be assured of a date on any given Saturday night, but this guy found someone willing to have his child?  What the hell is the matter with you, Society???

Friday, October 30, 2015

LegalZoom- yeah, I'd totally trust these guys with legal matters. Totally.

1.  There has never in the history of television been a persuasive commercial which features half a dozen people saying something that could be said by one person.  I really don't care to be greeted with "hi" from a series of total strangers.  Just get to the f--ing point already.

2,  I know what a robot is.  Don't need you to demonstrate it to me.  Having insulted me once with all the stupid "hi's," you are doubling down with this crap.  Don't know you.  Don't care about you.  Don't want you to show me what you think a robot is.

3.  I guess this is what you do when you have nothing to sell, because I sure didn't hear much of anything about the product, and I don't remember anything about the commercial except that it irritated me.  Great job, LegalZoom.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

More of GE's Condescending Crap

Quick Quiz:  What is the most repulsive aspect to this latest chapter in the "GE:  We Hire Geeks And Are Not Particularly Proud Of It" ad campaign?

A.  The grizzled coal miner just-back-from-beers-at-the-Union-Hall sitting on the couch waxing poetic about grampa and his Beloved Hammer (because who doesn't treasure the blunt instrument one uses to perform an unskilled labor job until crippled by a hernia or a cave-in?)  He's pretty awful if only for the reason that he seems to be dissapointed that his greasy geek son is achieving what I thought was the American Dream- to have your kids do better than you do.


B.  The greasy, overly styled Eurotrash creep son who has to look as if he'd shatter if he tripped and fell on the sidewalk and who, like his compatriots in the other GE commercials, acts as if he's completely incapable of explaining to us non-engineer lessers exactly what he's going to be doing and why it's so much more productive and Better than what grampa did with that hammer?

Hint:  There's no Wrong Answer.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

GE doesn't stand for "Good Enough," I guess.

I'm a history teacher- one of several at my school.  If I were this guy, I'd be telling my friends and family that I teach every class at my school while simultaneously running the payroll department and handling all parent-teacher relationships as well as handling all repairs.  Seriously, this jackass is so miserable at the prospect of working for GE that he has to try to convince his loser friends and family that he's basically going to be responsible for the running of the entire freaking company?  What kind of insecurity is being exhibited here?

On the other hand, if he is proud of the job he actually got and not the one he's fantasizing/lying about, why does he give a fat rat's ass what his slacker loser family and friends think?  "Hey, I'm working for GE- which means I can expect to bring home a decent paycheck every two weeks.  When you slack-jawed yokels can keep the lights on without hitting the Money Store for a payday loan and stop getting all your furniture from Rent-A-Center, you can snark on my job.  Until then, kiss my ass and check out my new car."

I get the feeling that these drooling white trash idiots save their admiration for the brother-in-law who just got promoted to Assistant Manager at PapaJohns and gets to bring the leftovers home after working the 6PM- 2AM shift.  It's pizza for breakfast every other day at his place, freakin' awesome man!

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Works until you realize he bought a KIA.

I'm sorry, but I really don't get this ad at all.  A son tells his father that he quit his job and then sold all his stuff so he could buy a car and drive across the country.  I do understand that the punchline is the father totally understanding, wishing he had been so juvenile and irresponsible, and goes along for the ride (which I'm pretty sure wasn't part of the son's plan.  Though judging from the look on this idiot's face as dad slurps at his Big Gulp, maybe I'm wrong- maybe Dad and his wallet were a very, very important part of his plan all along.)

That's all there is, right?

Well, if that's the case, shouldn't the tagline of this commercial be "KIA- It's the car Idiots With No Sense Drive?"  Or how about "KIA- When you're an aimless moron with a rich dad to fall back on?"

If I were the dad, the first question I'd ask is "um, why a KIA?"  The second I'd ask is "why are you telling me this?  Judging by the facial hair, you seem to be an adult. As long as you aren't asking me to finance your extremely early midlife crisis, why tell me?"

"And by the way, if you ARE asking me to finance this, you know where the door is.  I'll wrap up this sandwich and you can eat it on the road."

Saturday, October 24, 2015

But at 7-11 I can pick up a Big Gulp and do my investing at the same time

As near as I can tell, the people in this ad were taken in by the fake broker because he used what to them were impressive terms like "401k" and "Asset Management."  I'm giving them a little credit- maybe it was the use of the word "Retirement" that won them over- or the glass doors to his office.

Whatever it was, this is just another of a long line of ads which aims at the less than 10 percent of Americans who find themselves with a little bit of money at the end of each month and actually want to try to grow it for the future instead of going for the bigger Data Plan Package or treating VISA to something other than the minimum monthly payment.   Not the kind of people who think that they are doing something amazingly smart by setting up a college fund with a company that makes baby food, or who think being financially wise involves taking advantage of every Buy One Get One Free deal at McDonald's.  Because they don't have any cash to hand over to actual brokers or DJs beyond that $2 per week they use to invest in the Powerball.

So good luck in your quest to get your share of the Extra Money very, very few Americans have these days, CFP.  With Voya, Edward Jones, Morgan Stanley, etc. out there chasing the same diminishing group of people who are doing better than just getting by and just keeping up, you've got a tough job ahead of you.   I guess that explains these stupid ads.  They don't put any more money in our pockets, but hell- neither do ads for the iPhone6, and lots of people on the margins were apparently willing to ignore the reality of their financial situation to line up to buy that Just Because.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Old Spice gives society a gigantic middle finger

This wall of noise is too stupid to even comment on.  The YouTube commentators who approve of it are beneath contempt and beyond snark.  Everyone involved in it's making deserve to die a slow, horrible death.  It's ok with me if the sun doesn't come up tomorrow, because that will mean I'll be spared of ever, ever having to see this painful nub of an ad again.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Nissan Rogue craps all over a classic song. Nothing new here

Lily-white suburban jackasses race eachother home from the airport in their whitebread Nissan Rogues, checking out who can get back to the Made of Ticky-Tacky plywood palace first.  Because Family, don't you know.

For some reason- probably because the people who wrote this awful ad have no sense of dignity or respect- it's all played to the song "War."

Lily-white jackasses end in a tie again, despite the best efforts of both to drive dangerously fast down crowded streets and construction sites in order, avoid being the one who makes the hot dogs and potato salad, I guess.

All in good fun, since apparently nobody actually died during the contest.  The only casualties were, again, dignity and respect.  Oh, and basic decency.  F--you, Nissan.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

This woman's universe is in ruins for several seconds, until she remembers she has Clorox

Another commercial featuring a woman standing in the middle of a gleaming-white kitchen/auditorium (seriously, check out the acoustics!) which is considerably larger than my apartment, complaining because Oh Look There's a Brown Spot Which Totally Distracts from the Retina-Destroying Whiteness of My Enormous White Kitchen.  Thank goodness for Clorox, because with a few squirts of a toxic chemical, her life can go back to being Impossibly Clean and White in just a few moments.

Yes, all praise to Clorox, which bleaches our world back to the way it's Supposed To Be.  I suspect this woman did not read the Not To Be Taken Internally disclaimer.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

I bet this guy won't come in on Thanksgiving, either. Talk about ungrateful!

"When did leaving work on time become an act of courage?"  Well, it started during the 1980s, when the gutting of the Middle Class became Job No. 1 for our "representative" government, which basically represents the Lords of Capitalism and no one else.   But since that's not really the message of this commercial....

Clearly this guy IS the only worker in the city who actually leaves work on time, because he's got every street to himself.  He's literally the ONLY person on the road.  So everyone works until 6 PM now?  Suddenly I appreciate my job even more than I already did.

And as long as everyone else in the city is just going to stare at his car as he drives home to his Suburban McMansion to catch his wife nailing the guy who drives the ice cream truck because she didn't expect Hubby to be home so early, why don't they just go home?  They aren't getting any work done anyway.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Were you expecting Kate Upton?

Well, sorry, boys (and I do mean BOYS.)  You don't get a commercial starring Kate Upton's breasts this time.  Instead, you get Mariah Carey.  Call her the Budget Kate Upton.

Or better yet, take this commercial as the message echoing in your head that you've been ignoring for years that keeps telling you to grow the f-- up, put away your stupid video games, and join the world of adults, fresh air and sunshine.  There are lakes to swim, mountains to climb, and actual friends to talk to out there (and by "talk to," I mean actually TALK TO- texting and tweeting don't count, sorry.)

In short, it's time to stop being an incurable adolescent and move on.  Enough with the "mature" time-suckers in which you pretend to be a spy, soldier, barbarian, knight or wizard.  Playtime is over.  Take your dog for a walk.  Get reacquainted with that woman you somehow conned into marrying your sorry, pathetic ass.  Get a life.  Believe me, it's time.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Just a thought, T-Mobile...

Maybe I'd be sold on buying one of your stupid phones if every single one of your commercials did not feature idiot twentysomethings prancing around like they just won the freaking lottery or otherwise have discovered OMIGOD LIFE IS AMAZING CAUSE CHECK OUT MY PHONE and not actually doing anything with their best friends--err, cell phones--as they jump in the air, run down alleys, perform live on stage or all the other things people do THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PHONES.

Oh, and what does T-Mobile have against Montana?  I mean, that's different from what everyone else has against Montana?

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Now made with 30% less lead

"When the temperature starts falling and the air starts to turn nice and crisp, that's when I know Fall* Has Arrived."

"I am not an actress, as you can probably tell by my ridiculously stilted speech.  I am the designer of Pioneer Woman, a set of dishes, flatware and garishly decorated other crap women with no taste can use to add clashing colors to the place where they spend pretty much all of their lives while the children are at school, the kitchen."

"Because my brain is stuck permanently in the 1950s, I know that what women want most is to stay in that room and bake cakes and pies and cassaroles and then serve them to the Men and Children who make up the center of their universe.  This guady crap, made in some of the nicest factories in China, makes the whole situation just that much more fun."

"What any of this sexist retro bs has to do with a 'Pioneer Woman,' well don't ask me, I'm just a girl!  Which reminds me, I think my cookies are done!"

("Fall" not available in all areas.)

Saturday, October 10, 2015

These DraftKings Commercials are getting longer, and sadder

(Not shown: the 99.9% of players who lost their cash.  Hmm, I guess DraftKings didn't have quite enough cameras available to be trained on them.  Just enough to be ready to coincidentally capture the "spontaneous" moment the other one-thousandth of one percent when they realized they would be able to pay rent- and continue to play DraftKings- for a while longer before finding another way to part with their money.)

I thought about posting the TEN MINUTE VERSION of this ad for commentary, but I decided that I have few enough regular visitors to this blog.   Plus, I couldn't get through it- way too depressing- so why would I ask anyone else to?

"Compete against your friends, compete against your family..." yes, that's a great idea.  Get everyone you know and love sharing your pathetic gambling addiction.  That way they'll understand why you always seem so distracted, angry, upset, and in need of a few bucks to tide you over until next payday.  Of course, they'll be in the same boat, so maybe it's not such a great idea to sell them on the idea of DraftKings.  You'll have to borrow from someone, after all- so you'll want as many financially solvent people in your lives as possible.

This is especially true when you realize that the thrill of Talkin' Smack (ugh, is every guy in the United States a perpetual teenager?) isn't really all it's cracked up to be when your wallet is always empty.  At some point  you're going to want those people you bored out of their minds with your addiction to give a damn about you (they are also going to figure out pretty quick that there are only two versions of you- the Talkin' Smack version, which shows up every few weeks when you've managed to win a little money, and the Quiet Subdued version, which is the Default You because hey, moron, you are going to lose a LOT more often than you win.

Listening to these pathetic losers talk about how exciting DraftKings makes football (which of course used to be soooo boring with all the hanging out with friends eating junk food, drinking beer, and cheering and screaming and crying at the tv set) really puts a damper on actually WATCHING football.  Commercials for this "product" (with it's virtually-invisible "play responsibly" disclaimer) are as ubiquitous as any car or cellphone ad.  I think I'd rather see some self-satisfied douche with four-days growth cruising around in his Audi than this; at least he wasted his money on something that lets him show well to his fellow douche friends.*

*I'd love to see a study which shows the average yearly income of people who participate in DraftKigns.  I'm guessing it's around $35,000 and like all gambling, it's generally being done by the people who can least afford to be stupid with money.  There really ought to be a law.

(BTW, I heard a new commercial for Powerball the other day.  The tagline was "OMG someone has to win- who has a better chance than you?"  I wish I were kidding.)

Friday, October 9, 2015

This Edward Jones guy has space issues

This guy's Edward Jones broker knew that one of his clients was going to visit a prospective college with his daughter.

Not only that, but he also knows there's a list of colleges they are considering.*

Did Dad really call his broker from campus to ask if it's ok if he's considering sending his daughter to a particular college?  Seriously?

I can so relate to this.  The other day I called by Voya broker, who used to be my ING broker and before that was my Edward Jones broker- to sheepishly suggest to her that I was strongly considering ordering takeout at a chinese restaurant.  I just kind of wanted reassurance that I wasn't getting in over my head concerning my currrent retirement fund status.

She told me to put the menu down and walk out.

*Once Dad replied "you remembered that, too" I thought there's no way this call ends without Dad telling his broker "love you" before hanging up.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The iPhone6- what hasn't changed

1.  That amazing phone you were told you absolutely had to have if you wanted to be a happy person who showed well for your friends six months ago is No Longer Good Enough, just like the four phones you were in love with for a few months each over the last three years before that one.

2.  The iPhone6 has a few improved bells and whistles you probably won't ever use, but that doesn't matter because- well, see No. 1.  It's The Latest Phone so you Have to Have It.

3.  You'll continue to spend an increasingly large percentage of your life squinting at a glowing screen, asking a disembodied voice questions, and basically becoming dependent on an electronic box for pretty much everything you want....errr, "need."

4.  You'll continue to spend less time with people and more time with movies and television. But hey you're more connected than ever because check out your data plan and your Facebook Friends Counter.

5. You've misplaced several hundred dollars again.  Seems to happen every six months or so.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Stalker preseason training, brought to you by Fitbit

Remember those Powerbar commercials featuring athletes telling us "this is how I get ready for the preseason?"  I think they still pop up now and then but I recall the 1990s versions when I see this ad for Fitbit.

As near as I can tell, this hairy, out-of-shape slob would really like to nail that hot and fit girl who seductively jogs past his apartment every day (probably doesn't even realize what a floozy she's being, the evil, balanced diet-consuming, steady heartbeat-maintaining little temptress!)  The trouble is, he can't catch her because- well, you know- Cheetos, beer and weekends in front of the computer playing fantasy football, weekdays sitting in a cubicle texting.

So hairy creep dedicates himself to getting into shape so he can catch up to the hot athletic girl he isn't currently good enough for and-- um, well, I'm not sure.  He's not wearing a garbage bag with holes cut out of it, so I don't think he's going to be asked to engage in a dance competition.   I don't know what his endgame is, because even when manages to (briefly) catch up to her, he doesn't take the opportunity to introduce himself or start a conversation (of course, that could be because his lungs are lodged in the lower part of his throat and speech simply isn't possible without a whole lot of unattractive weezing.)

Cute jogging girl responds by attempting to kill him by climbing what I think is a rather famous set of steps in San Francisco that lead to Coit Tower (they look familiar?)  Her message seems to be

A.  I really don't like you.  Leave me alone.
B.  Want me?  You're going to have to work even harder.  or
C.  I know how to get rid of you.  I'll make you run up these steps until your heart finally explodes.

In any case, this is kind of a creepy ad.  I've never met a woman who would find it at all charming to have a total stranger repeatedly attempt to join her in her daily run.  It strikes me as intrusive and weird and not even something I would do- though I must say, this girl definitely looks like she's worth a little effort.  Just not this guy's version of effort.

Come to think of it, there's simply no way that this girl doesn't already have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) - one who actually knows her name and shares her interests.  I mean, she's cute and young and athletic.  Girls like that don't need to count on meeting random strangers who can keep up with them on their daily runs.  This guy acts like she's spraying pheromones.

And one more thing- "follow your heart?"  It's not this guy's heart that is forcing him to follow this girl.  You have to look a little lower to find the driving force behind this guy's newly-discovered interest in fitness.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

It's not a Phone, it's a Attention Vampire and a drug you're clearly addicted to

(Wasted Moments of Life Not Refundable.)

I wonder how many idiots who think that this commercial is LOL AMAZING ever stop to think that there's a real universe out there with real bugs and caterpillars that turn into butterflies, and that these amazing things don't just exist on overpriced toys you can carry around with you like a techno-addicted jackass.

My guess is that there are plenty of people out there who think that "High-Definition" is only accomplished by using expensive screens and is not available eyes.  And have no idea that there's a great big beautiful world out there to be seen with those very same eyes if they'd only pry them away from their stupid phones every once in a while.

Oh, but please, life-wasting losers:  Get your fellow iPhone dweeb loser "friends" together and make your own version of this ad.  Take an afternoon for it.  You weren't going to be doing anything with that time, anyway.  Just do me a favor, ok?  Take a break from your Amazing Creativity when you are operating a motor vehicle. Just watch the damned road.  Sure, we'll all suffer a bit waiting for your wonderful contribution to the world of Image Sharing, but it will be worth it to get home in one piece.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

DraftKings Presents: The First Day of the Rest of your Life

The only fantasy this guy should be having is finding himself a life and an actual reason to get up in the morning.  Because fantasy football as your guiding force and reason for being?  Calling that "sad" would be an insult to the word "sad."  Hell, I don't even think "pathetic" would suffice.

How does DraftKings work?  Well, it's gambling, pure and simple, so let's just skip to "how does organized gambling work?"  Pretty basic:  A large population risks money.  A very tiny sliver of that large population collects money for their risk.  A much, MUCH larger portion loses money (and some percentage of that large portion goes on to risk more money, lose again, develop an addiction, and end up with really big problems involving friends, family, and creditors.)  The very tiny sliver of winners are given a ton of attention.  The very  large population of losers are given no attention at all- in fact, as far as advertising agencies working for companies like DraftKings (and State Lotteries, which are the biggest scumbags of all in my humble opinion) are concerned, they simply don't exist.  Everyone's A Winner, except of course for the 99.9% who aren't.

(There's another one of these ads in which a guy calls winning at DraftKings "the greatest adrenelin rush there is."  Which makes him the SADDEST HUMAN BEING EVER.  Seriously, GET A DATE YOU IDIOT!)

Someone wake up Webster.  He's got to come up with a new word for this level of meaninglessness.

Friday, October 2, 2015

I've got your translation, Luvs!

"Second kid:  You're tired of caring.  Whatever allows you to get out of the house will do."

"Third kid:  A bowl of kibble and another bowl of water on the kitchen floor works.  If you've planned them out right, the First kid can babysit."

Luv's "the more kids you have, the less you really give a damn" ad campaign makes me happy.  I don't know why.  Not even the Typical TV Land Gleaming White House That Guy Who Gets You Pregnant Every Few Years But Is Oddly Never Around Bought You With bothers me this time.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

This McDonalds Ad's Lost Dialogue

"What's this?  Oh, how nice- a greasy, cold sandwich you picked up at the McDonalds drive-thru twenty minutes ago.  Aren't you all that and a bag of chips.  Gosh, what did I do to deserve an awesome guy like you?"

"I mean, I could have made a bad choice and married someone who made enough money so I wouldn't have to work 8-hour shifts at a freaking toll booth, breathing in carbon monoxide all day, grateful to be handed a soggy sandwich straight off the dollar menu at McDonalds.  Wouldn't that have been awful- to live in a nice house like those people in all the commercials who actually have time to eat breakfast at home instead of in an f---ing booth where they are being handed money from germy idiots who still haven't figured out what EZPASS stands for!"

"And oh, thanks for saving paper by not picking me up a napkin- there's plenty of running water in this walk-in closet I spend every day in.  And speaking of water, what am I supposed to wash this salty crap down with?  What, a $1 cup of coffee not in the budget, Mr. I'll Provide For You I Promise?"

"BTW, you didn't have to take 'For Better or For Worse' literally.  I sure didn't.  First guy who offers me something more appetizing than this sandwich, I'm jumping in his car and never looking back.  'See you at home?'  Maybe.  But don't be so damned sure, Mr. Born Romantic Big Spender."