Saturday, November 30, 2019

This Fire TV commercial explains a lot, actually

When I was very young, James Bond villains (and lets be honest from the very start- the guy in this ad is an obvious parody of an old-fashioned James Bond villain) did really cool things like press buttons to coolly execute people just because they could.  Then when I got older, the Bond villains kind of went off the rails and focused on killing millions of people with nuclear missiles or cyanide-dispersing satellites or some such silliness.  Then they became a real mixed bag of characters with extremely limited goals or world-changing ambitions, but most of them were kind of stupid and it was hard to imagine them pushing those buttons and causing people to vaporize or fall into a pool of piranha or whatever.

For all the time I was growing up, James Bond films could be counted on to be released every other summer, pretty much like clockwork, too.  Their quality wasn't dependable- the first one I saw in the theaters was The Spy Who Loved Me in the summer of 1977, and I thought that was great.  Most of the Moore films that followed afterwards were pretty awful.   Dalton's films were great, Brosnan's were below average (and Die Another Day was downright 1980s Moore-level crap.)   None of the villains in any of these films were particularly memorable.  But they were there, every other year.

The Bond film series has pretty much reached a dead end in the last decade, as Bond fans die out and the next generation just can't get invested in the character because the films are so few and far between.  Bond 25, No Time To Die, will be released in April, 2020- almost five full years since the last installment.  Think about it:  Sean Connery starred in six Bond films in nine years (1962-1971.)  Roger Moore starred in seven films in 12 years (1973-1985,) Dalton two in three years (1987-89,) and Brosnan four in seven years (1995-2002.)  No Time To Die will be Daniel Craig's fifth Bond film since Casino Royale was released in 2006-- that's five Bond films in FOURTEEN YEARS.  Way to kill interest in a franchise, people!

Ok, back to connecting all of this to an Amazon Fire Commercial:  The "villain" in this ad isn't plotting to start World War III, rob Fort Knox, or nuke or poison the planet.  Hell, he isn't even trying to make a hundred million dollars in a drug deal or get exclusive broadcasting rights to China (yes, both of those are actual James Bond villain motivations.)  He just wants to watch TV.  That's what Evil Villains do in the year 2019.  They watch TV.  You know, like all of use who AREN'T evil villains.  So why are they interesting?  They aren't. They are worthy of nothing but ridicule.  They aren't fun, they aren't entertaining, and most important, they really don't remind anyone under the age of fifty or so of a certain film franchise that is in the process of being murdered by its' inheritors.  Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if most people watching this ad thought of Austin Powers before James Bond.  Sad.

Friday, November 29, 2019

Thanks to Xfinity, I now know I've been wrong about E.T. for 37 years....

So when I saw this movie as a kid,* I just assumed that somewhere out there is an original cut which features a scene immediately following the last one in which Elliot, his family and friends, and all of the scientists who witness E.T. fly off into space are immediately executed by the government and buried in a landfill surrounded by "Dangerous Toxic Chemicals, Do Not Enter" signs.  His house is condemned as a biological hazard as the word is spread that Elliot and his family were the carriers of some exotic, highly infectious disease which caused their quick death and evaporation of their bodies along necessitating the leveling of their home and the total destruction of every trace of their existence. 

According to this commercial, I was completely wrong in my premise.  Turns out that Elliot and Friends were simply forced to sign a myriad of documents agreeing to stay silent about what happened over the course of three days in the autumn of 1982 with a very subtle warning that it's not at all hard to be Disappeared if they ever step out of line.  Elliot grew up to be an adult and got married and had kids, which is about as much proof as anyone would ever need that he never mentioned the little Alien who lived in his bedroom and who he once dressed up and took trick or treating on Halloween to anyone, and certainly not to any girls.  He got over the trauma of being threatened with a brutal death at the hands of The Establishment so well that he managed to become a perfectly ordinary, perfectly boring Suburban Dad with 2.5 kids and an SUV.

Thanks for the clarification, Xfinity- though I suspect that I'm actually right about the Deleted Scene, and test audiences just thought it was kind of a downer way to end a family film, and Spielberg got cold feet and agreed to the last-minute edit.

*Ok, I was 18.  That's still a kid.  Shut Up.

Thursday, November 28, 2019

Mercedes-Benz "Negotiation" Commercial is (hopefully) as bad as it can get

I'd like to suggest that this fat little creep needs a good kick in the pants followed by a lesson in decency a lot more than he needs an overpriced LookAtMeMobile, but Santa would have to hang around to provide that lesson in decency as the kid's parents certainly are not up to the task.

"It would be a real shame if this went viral."  Um, would it?  Only if you think the planet is filled with shallow, mentally challenged morons who think that every fat, bearded guy in a red suit is Santa Claus.  That's the only way anyone gives a flying damn about a shot of a guy with a wide ass dressed up like Santa Claus "goes viral."  Which means "Santa's" response makes zero sense.  He ought to tell that kid "go ahead and put it on the web, nobody gives a damn because nobody over the age of eight believes in Santa, you f--ng idiot."

Better yet, he ought to say "I'm your father, stupid.  I'm just having fun.  But thanks for demonstrating that you have no business being in possession of a phone with YouTube access.  I'm taking it back.  You can have your own phone when you get a job and pay for it yourself.

Unless he actually IS Santa.  In that case, he should stick with Option A and just tell the kid to f--k off and post the "compromising" photo.  And then repack all those gifts and tell the kid the entire house is on his Naughty List, permanently.  After all, the parents of this nasty fungus raised him to act like this, right?  And not only that-- Santa can peer into the future and see exactly how they'd react to their cruddy spawn getting a car that costs more than the average yearly salary by blackmailing St. Nicholas.  Massive fail on all levels.  F--k this kid, F--k his parents, and F--k Mercedes-Benz for soiling my television with this abomination.

Dominion Energy reminds us what we have to be thankful for.

"I have to go, honey.  I have to go Defend Our FreedomsTM."

"Defend our freedoms from who?  Who wants to take our freedoms away?"

"Um...bad people.  But don't worry, they live on the other side of the planet."

"So how are they threatening our freedoms?  Why do you have to go fight them?"

"We need to Fight Them There So We Don't Have To Fight Them HereTM."

"But why do you have to go?  How are you going to fight them?  Why can't you just be home for Thanksgiving?"

"Because Freedom Isn't FreeTM."

"But how are the bad people trying to take our freedoms?  And why do you keep talking in trademarked Cliche'-speak?"

"Got to go.  Wear this hat and think of me- you dad who can't be home because I'm well, you know, Freedoms and all that.  These Colors Don't RunTM."

"Why do I get the feeling this has something to do with an energy company, and that the freedom Daddy is fighting for has to do with profits?  Oh well, this is a nice hat, and so far he's always come back alive, and pictures of me in this hat make the easily-manipulated YouTube Sheep swoon, so...."

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

American Express lets us know that we can't buy happiness, but we CAN borrow it at 0% APR for 15 months

So this weirdly ugly young woman gets a piece of green plastic in the mail which encourages her to go out and recklessly spend money that she doesn't have on stuff that she's decided she wants but doesn't at all need.

And this commercial drops like a lead balloon on to a country whose people are drowning in record student loan and credit card debt....great, just great.  What's the key to happiness?  Spending more money than you have.  How can you do that?  With this little plastic rectangle.  Where will it lead to?  Stupid Debt.  Maybe the idea is to get you used to Stupid Debt so that when you get into Real, Unavoidable Debt- like before you reach that Health Plan Deductible or are trying to balance rent and student loan payments- you'll be used to carrying a balance month after month?

In any case, this woman is ugly at the beginning of an ugly commercial, and is no less ugly at the end of it.  Just poorer.  What a great message to toss on to the screens just before Black Friday.  Thanks, American Express!

Tuesday, November 26, 2019

Discover Antisocial Obnoxiousness

Because the best place to have a long conversation with the Discover Card phone bank is while you are standing in the middle of an aquarium.  I mean, other than a museum, library, waiting area at the airport, or while standing in line at the grocery store, I can't think of any better place to loudly discuss card options, can you?

What's that you say?  Have conversations like this while in the privacy of your own home? Well, how would you possibly be a royal pain in the ass to other people if you do that?  Seriously, if you're going to hold off on calls that can clearly wait until you get out of public areas, what's the point of even HAVING a cell phone?

Personally, I'd miss listening to people drone on at high volume about everything under the sun, including stuff that silly past generations might have considered Private.  Those silly old people, with their crazy backwards notions of not being a braying jackass around others who are just trying to enjoy their thoughts without being distracted by your Very Important Phone Conversations About Anything!  Fortunately they'll be dead someday so we won't have to deal with their sighs and head shakes and disapproving glances much longer!

(Oh, and here's an extra special punchline:  The comment option for this particular YouTube video is closed.  I guess Discover doesn't mind making commercials featuring people being obtrusive sociopaths, but don't really want to read any responses about said commercials from others.  Rather hypocritical, wouldn't you say?)

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Just a few more questions for the people who make these State Farm ads....

1. What kind of life is Aaron Rodgers living where he's constantly checking his State Farm App?  How many claims can any one person have going at any given time?  Seriously, I'm concerned about what Rodgers is doing in between Not Winning Super Bowls.

2.  Why is this guy so obsessed with landing Aaron Rodgers (and/or Pat Mahomes) as a client?  This isn't Voya or AXA or Prudential or any other investment service.  Why does he care so much?

3.  Since he does care so much, why is he working for the only large insurance carrier in the United States that doesn't offer an App?

4.  Since he doesn't have Aaron Rodgers as a client, why is Rodgers always showing up at his office?  Is Rodgers stalking this guy, or what?  I mean, we don't see the weird insurance guy showing up in Green Bay to harass Rodgers.  We don't see him accosting Rodgers in the locker room moments after Rodgers' season has ended with a playoff loss (and he's had plenty of opportunities to do that, just sayin'.)  Rodgers is coming to HIM.  Why?

5. The latest ads feature this insurance guy having nightmares featuring Aaron Rodgers staring at him in a super-creepy way.  Seriously, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if this series of "funny" ads ends with Creepy Insurance Man writing a love letter to Rodgers before committing a murder-suicide with him.  Enough already.

Saturday, November 23, 2019

Another Jared's "She Comes Cheap and Life is Short" Christmas Commercial

I know we just started talkin'

But since I'm sick of stalkin'

Look at the time we're clockin'

I've paid up my dues

So don't you do any thinkin'

Singles Life is really stinkin'

Just say yes without blinkin'

your Last Name's Old News

Oh No I am not fakin'

A mistake is what you're not makin'

Take the Token that says you're Taken

Time for Wedding Bell Blues

Oh sure I like your kisses

But lets get down to business

Time to make you a Mrs

You got nothin' to lose

Don't think of the guy you're pickin'

That clock inside is tickin'

Get sentenced to the kitchen

I'm partial to stews

I guess I could be more flirty

who knows if I'm even sturdy

but come on you're almost thirty

and life ain't no cruise

Outside its nice and snowy

And my car is snug and cozy

in the end, you're just a trophy

But I guess that you'll do.

NextGen Stats and Russell Wilson team up to give us an unintentionally hilarious ad

First, a sidebar if I may:  All of these NexGen"Stats"are drawn from exactly the same region that Trump supporter in the break room or at the bar gets his from- his loud, absurdly confident, ignorant ass.  If you think I'm wrong, please tell me the mathematical formula used to determine "catch probability." 

(Not to mention- even if the "catch probability" was "only" 29 percent, that's a nearly 1-in-3 chance that the pass is completed.  What is so damned amazing about that?)

Second, a great big pile of snark for using Russell Wilson of all people in this ad.  Whatever else he does in his career, Russell Wilson almost certainly be remembered for one pass more than any other- the one he threw to Malcolm Butler from the five yard line in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XLIX which sealed the game...for the Patriots. 

I wonder, what were the odds of Butler making that game-ending interception?  More than 1 in 3?


Friday, November 22, 2019

GMC Black Friday Event is really giving Lexus December to Remember ads a run for their money

Apparently this god-awful insult is a reboot of last year's model, which I somehow missed.  Judging from the comments on YouTube, it was received with fury then, and I can see why.

So this Pretty Young Couple is enjoying life and the Holidays in their spotless, enormous Suburban Palace, and it's time to exchange gifts.  The young lady who I guess isn't a TrophyWife since she looks about the same age as her husband gives him-- um, an Apple Watch, or something like that.  Not exactly sure what it is, just that it's small and she got herself one too.  Oh, and she got one in black and one in red, and the guy picks up the red one and says "I love it." 

(Considering what happens, I think what he really loves is that she has totally bought into the "I'm getting myself something while getting you something" mindset, because he did the same thing.  He doesn't even LOOK at the gift she got him- clearly, he doesn't care what it is any more than I do.)

So he announces that HE got something for her and something for himself, too- so they go outside (and we get another view of that ridiculous house) and he reveals that he somehow managed to get two huge trucks parked (ostentatiously pointed into the street, naturally)  without Wife noticing.  She LOVES one, even though it's quickly made clear that he intended the red one for her and the black one for him.  And this is where the Viewer Rage kicks in.  And I can't say I'm surprised, because it's where my rage kicked in, too (I was just resigned and irritated at how Pretty these people are or how Stupid-Big that house is.)

See, the stupid idiot guy went out and spent $100,000 or more on identical-model trucks that are exactly the same in everything except color, and his Otherwise Absolutely Perfect Life is marred because his Even More Disgusting Than Him wife insists on taking the truck she KNOWS he wants.  He's stupid for not announcing "I bought us trucks- red for you, black for me."  He's even dumber making this purchase without discussing it with her first, but that's just par for the course in car commercials these days- GMC, Buick, and Lexus just figure that this is what people do in December- they buy each other cars that cost more than the average full-time American worker makes in a year.  And he's Most Dumberest of All by not simply saying "um, no, the red one is yours- if you want it in a different color, let's just go down to the dealership and trade it in, sure it will cost the instant depreciation but come on it's not like we care about money, I mean, check out the house."

Maybe this guy figures he'll rescue just a little bit of his dignity by putting his foot down and demanding the black Apple Watch. That'll show her!

Or maybe he's already plotting out his revenge- next year, she's getting a Peloton bike.  That's always a nice, subtle little reminder that there ARE trophy wives out there who are younger, prettier, and maybe just a smidge less entitled when Sugar Daddy brings trucks home for the Holidays.

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

It's not as easy as creating a Facebook Group, but in the long run it could be a lot more effective....

Feel sad because this woman "just got deployed" and won't be spending Christmas with her family?  Well, you could join a Facebook Support Page and share Thoughts and Prayers and then go out to collect piles of lights and decorations and even take down a tree (I think this is the "Do Not Attempt" part- because nobody should ever attempt to chop down a tree unless you're an Officially Licensed Tree Chopper-Downer, I guess) in order to create a fake "Christmas" scene both outside of the family's house AND INSIDE AS WELL ("how did this happen?"  As in, "how did this Holiday MiracleTM take place, and not "how did these people get into our house and do all this while we slept, and who gave them a key, and seriously what the actual hell is happening here I thought this was about YOU missing Christmas, not all about us?")  You could respond to a woman being deployed for the holidays by assuming that meant that her homefront-bound family was going to go without decorations and a tree because Dad can't do any of this stuff without the soldier of the family around (can someone explain this to me?  Did she always do all the decorations so it can't be done without her?  Seriously, someone help me out here.)

You could do all this stuff from the comfort of your keypad, and in the end you'll get a bunch of photos which will allow you to share the Awesomeness of your Great Big Heart with all your "friends" on Facebook and which will help you forget that your MLM lost another $1600 this year and, once again, you kinda sorta forgot to give any money to that food bank and soup kitchen in your own home town (but seriously, where's the glory in THAT?)

But while you're doing all that, how about voting for candidates who won't support the ridiculous knee-jerk over-extension of America's military?  After all, the United States is currently at war with absolutely no one.  Anyone even care why this woman was suddenly deployed at all, never mind just before Christmas? Where's the compelling interest being defended here?  Whose freedoms are being defended by this woman?  What Vital Strategic Interest is being served by having Mommy on the other side of the planet instead of with her children?

Anyone? Someone?

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Fios + Holiday + Disney = A Sad Commercial, Right from the Start

1.  "One thing I love about Disney, its that everyone can be a princess."

WTF?  Why would anyone WANT to be a Disney princess?  Disney princesses are, with very few exceptions, Trophies to be on the screen to have dreamy eyes and look pretty while they wistfully imagine being saved by a Big Strong ManTM.  If you think that's something worth aspiring to, please don't have kids.  Especially daughters.  But no sons, either.  Don't have sons.  Don't have kids at all. 

2.  "My TV is pretty much always playing a Marvel movie..." expand your horizons.  You are an infantile rut.  I mean, at least you didn't say "DC Comics" movie, but obviously that wasn't going to happen because we all know who owns Marvel. have a Peter Pan complex and you need to stop bragging about it and start getting therapy for it.

3.  "Star Wars is everything.  It's my life" says a little kid who is way too young to be making such "deep" observations about himself.  And his father is standing right there, listening to this.  Red Flag, dad.  Not something you should be chuckling at- especially if early whispers about The Rise of Skywalker are to be taken seriously.)  Especially since this kid isn't old enough to have seen anything but the last two abominations in the theater.  If THOSE films made Star Wars "everything" to him, well...I mean, they weren't the Prequels, but still....

(OMG I'm nine seconds into this thing...)

4.  Another adult is telling us how her favorite Disney Princess (we're back to that again?) is Pocahontas.  Ok fine, maybe you saw it when you were very young, and she's the first-ever Princess of Color and that appealed to you, never mind that it followed the same tired Magic Natives Talking to Trees and Animals bit we've seen in a dozen other (racist) films.

Anyway, I'm done. The Patriots are on, I've got a stack of tests I must return to students tomorrow, and I'm assuming that at any moment I'll be told that my report card comments aren't QUITE good enough and need a few minor revisions, shouldn't take more than a couple of hours...I'm out.

Saturday, November 16, 2019

Coming this Fall to NBC: Domino's 911!

This is one of the most unintentionally hysterical commercials out there, and that's saying a lot.

I mean, look at what's going on here:  The manager of a Domino's Pizza franchise gets a text message that tells him a recently delivered box of bland dough and sugary sauce topped with limp pieces of meat was "not quite up to standards."  He takes this "very personally," and acts exactly as if he's in command of an Emergency Care Unit rushing to the scene of a road accident. 

"We're going to expedite this order!" another franchiser who would be on suicide watch if she stopped to think for just one moment what she was panicking about  announces to her staff of high school dropouts and college students struggling to keep food on the table while getting that degree.  Because no matter what else is going on in that "restaurant," nothing is going to take precedence over dealing with the immediate tragedy of some taste-deprived loser in the 'burbs not getting exactly what they ordered on their Crap in a Box pizza.

"It might be a missing dipping sauce, it could be a wrong topping or it arrives cold..." yes, the Crisis could be any number of First World Problems that is a minor inconvenience to the customer but must be treated like a Life or Death matter to Domino's because....well, because if it's not Life or Death, we might stop to think about it for a second and blow our brains out.

At the end of all this nonsense, we see delivery monkeys literally roaring through the streets in their vehicles before sprinting up steps to hand over pizzas like they are transplanted organs being rushed into surgery.  And then we get the response of the stupid fat hicks who can't believe that they are being treated like f--ng royalty by a company willing to whip its employees into a frenzy to gain a competitive edge over PapaJohns, Little Caesars, Pizza Hut, etc. etc. ETC. 

In the end, I really do think that this should be a network tv drama.  Let's see the pain and anguish that comes from a crew of pretty young people who, try as they might, continue to occasionally fail to include mushrooms on that order or- distracted perhaps by a love triangle involving a cashier- miss a street and end up delivering the pizza at room temperature, resulting in a panicked Race Against Time to replace it during (lets say) a torrential rainstorm.  Let's use plenty of handheld cameras so we get a real sense of the pressure involved in getting just the right cup of dipping sauce out of the fridge and getting into the box with the Free This Month Only bottle of soda included and to that house in Bumblef--k USA before some arbitrary deadline that I guess exists because re-heating isn't an option.  I'm so ready for this, Network Television.  You've got a built-in sponsor .  Go for it!

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Apple's iPhone 11 Commercial reminds me of Lost Opportunities

In the winter of 1978, I was sledding on a hill near my house at night and went straight into a partially snow-covered barbed wire fence.  Part of the fence cut into my neck.  If I hadn't been wearing a heavy collar, I might have bled to death that night, at the age of 14.

In the fall of 1983, I lost control of my grandfather's Volkswagen Beetle and rolled it four times before crashing into a stone bridge.  No seat belts.  If I missed the bridge, I would have plunged into the creek, maybe being crushed by the collapsing chassis of Germany's Finest in Engineering.  That was the day after the Orioles won their last World Series.  I was 20.

In the summer of 1990, I almost drowned off the coast of New Jersey.  If I hadn't managed to find an emergency rescue rope stretched out into the ocean, I might not have been able to pull myself out of the water.  I might have drowned that day, at the age of 26.

What I'm saying is....several times in my life, I had the opportunity to permanently avoid being subjected to this commercial, and I blew it.  No one to blame but myself.

Sunday, November 10, 2019

Awesome fun with As Seen on TV's "Tac Visor!"

First, let's all celebrate that the Tac Visor was "inspired" by the flight helmets used in AMERICAN fighter planes; if I'm going to buy something from a company which regularly uses an American Flag and an American Bald Eagle as its logos, I want to be sure that whatever that flimsy joke piece-of-crap item wasn't inspired by some flight helmet being used by some Commie flying missions over Syria or Vietnam or wherever!

Second, if I watch this ad without thinking too hard, it appears that the Tac Visor is actually a really cool super-thin HDTV you strap to your car's standard visor.  When you get sick of driving toward that nuclear blast, you can pull down the HDTV and watch a movie about a truck blaring its horn as it drives by.  I suspect that it's not a good idea to get too into that movie, though, because that seems to be the only scene available on the Tac Visor.  Maybe there are other scenes available just pay Extra Shipping and Handling?

Then I see the scene where we have a big truck surrounded by - chains, cables?  Seriously, what?- and facing a big white screen.  A woman is asked to look at the white screen, and she sees nothing.  Then the Tac Visor is pulled down and for once its not showing that scene with the big truck blowing its horn.  Instead, it's showing an advertisement for the Tac Visor.  Mind. Blown

So I guess if you are driving toward an H-bomb testing site and you have really bad timing, you should definitely get one of these Tac Visors so you can shield your eyes with part of a movie about a truck blaring its horn- maybe a digitally remastered version of  1971's  Duel, or something.  Seems like you'd be better off just avoiding that area, or maybe putting on a pair of sunglasses, than making yourself more distracted by watching TV while driving, but that's just me.

Saturday, November 9, 2019

So Basset Hounds are Racist?

I am not a dog owner.  In fact, I'm not a pet owner at all.  And I will never understand the attraction of owning a pet.

But I know a lot of pet owners, including dog owners who own several dogs of different breeds.  As near as I can tell, they all get along with each other just fine.  Which is something I never thought about until I saw this ad, which suggests that basset hounds only run with their own- or, maybe, that other dogs are bigoted toward basset hounds and won't run with them?  I'm just trying to figure out who the ridiculous snobs are here.

My guess is that the bigoted jerk in the ad is the basset hound owner and, by extension, all basset hound owners.  This guy sees that there are no other basset hounds in the park so he goes to Facebook and either starts or joins a page dedicated to the interests of basset hound owners.  Before you know it, we've got a wonderfully exclusive, segregated party going on at the beach featuring a large number of basset hound owners and their dogs who I'm guessing are running around barking and making messes that their owners will let the tide take care of.   Can't be sure because comments are blocked for this video, something I find completely unsurprising because wow this is stupid.

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Yet Another Perplexing Indeed Ad

1.  If this guy is regularly losing jobs ("they have to move again..") why does he keep buying houses instead of renting apartments?  How often have they had to move, anyway?  That little girl looks awfully frustrated and angry, like it's a regular thing.  So what's with the constant purchase of houses?  Maybe if they just rented a nice two-bedroom apartment, they'd have enough financial stability to stay in the same area during a prolonged period of unemployment for dad?

2.  Somehow both the dad and the little girl know that the chirping noise on dad's phone twenty feet away means that dad's going to be employed and they don't have to move after all?  How do either of them know what that chirp means?  How did the little girl even HEAR the chirp through the door?

Monday, November 4, 2019

Charlize Theron walks into a bar...

...and proceeds to interrupt everyone else's fun by showing how awesome she is when she's the star of a commercial and she- and everyone else- is following a script which requires her to be absolutely perfect at everything while balancing a beer with one hand.  A beer which, by the way, she either never drinks or keeps having refilled between shots.

I just don't understand commercials at all, I guess.  But know what I understand even less?  The triggered white male losers who go insane over ads like this and let us know they've lost their minds by posting comments on YouTube.

Sunday, November 3, 2019

Actually, Mets and Yankees fans probably deserve each other anyway

So this woman is a married to an over-the-top Mets fan even though she "secretly loves the Yankees?"  So they never talked sports during the entire time they were dating, though those dates must have included Mets games if he's such a huge Mets fan?  Why has she kept this secret to herself until suddenly deciding to share it with anonymous neighborhood kids showing up for Halloween, anyway?  Oh right- that house.  That's a nice house.  And this is going to sound mean, but...this woman isn't what I'd call TrophyWife material.

You're doing the right thing, lady.  Keep that Yankees love to yourself.

BTW, why the heck is this kid wearing a Yankees uniform as a Halloween costume?  Is this Boston?  Because if that was the joke, it doesn't work anymore.  Through most of this century, the Yankees haven't been especially terrifying to the Red Sox.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

Selena Gomez, iPhone, and other stuff I really don't give a damn about

Some years back a little girl named Selena Gomez was in the right place at the right time with the right look when the Disney Channel was casting for a stupid tv show about a family of wizards.  I'd say the rest is history, except that I teach history and I have way too much respect for the subject to go there.

And because Ms Gomez had- just barely- enough vocal range to be turned into a salable musical commodity with the right tech support, she's able to sell out the KFC Yum! Center and other high-end venues and "perform" in front of audiences of teen girls who have yet to develop any taste in music or anything else.  Fine, I'm not one to knock anyone's hustle- but for chrissakes, who cares if someone whose entire career is looking good can be made to look good by the new iPhone?

Friday, November 1, 2019

Corona "Jukebox" commercial leaves me cold, leaves YouTube commenters doing their usual schtick

I have the World Series on with the sound off, so I watched this stupid nub of an ad for crap beer without the background music that more than one total loser in the YouTube comments was desperate to track down (after a month, he managed to locate the song, which I'm sure made him happy for a few seconds in his otherwise pointless, sad little life.)

Without sound, it appears that a greasy creep saw a hot and inexplicably dateless girl standing in front of the jukebox and decided to just walk up to her, show her how cheap he is/how terrible his taste in beer is, and demonstrate that he's already out of ideas by using his own bottle of beer to turn up the volume.  She finds this charming, of course.  Naturally.  I mean, it's television.

Inside of three minutes, she'll figure out that this idiot has absolutely nothing to offer her beyond a bottle of cruddy beer, and he'll figure out that she's just as much a void, which is why she decided to drape herself over a jukebox and respond to the first guy who offered her a drink with a "ooooh aren't you wonderful" smile and body language that makes me wonder if she has a skeleton.  I'm sure they'll be very happy together.