Monday, August 19, 2019
This time I'm dealing with :59 to 1:29 of this Luvs Diaper commercial collection.
So with the "first kid," Mommy is a loony germaphobe who spends what she occasionally refers to as her "life" doing things like boiling silencers (or teething rings, or whatever those things are being called these days, they are basically just Shut Up Bulbs) so her Precious Little Bundle doesn't get any germs ever. She has time to do this because she is, after all, Standard Issue Trophy Wife and her brain is constantly searching for some level of stimulation or, to put it another way, a reason to continue functioning at all.
By the time Second Kid comes around, Mommy is secure in her position as Permanent Wife (might be a good idea not to be quite so confident there, Mommy) and is done obsessing over trying to keeping the Offspring germ-free. Or she got her head out of her a## long enough to learn that it's kind of not a good idea to keep your kid sealed in a bubble until it's too late for their natural immune system to develop properly. However, she is still aware that her value to Hubby is very closely connected to the heath of the Heirs, so she is going to take the worst of the germs on to herself by sticking that Shut Up Bulb into her own mouth first. This woman gave up on being a person quite some time ago. One Person in the house, paying the bills to keep a roof over the head of the Children, is more than enough thank you. Being a Person is overrated.
Oh, and where's the first kid? She MAY be eating sand. Or, she may be toddling into the street. Or, she may be accepting a ride from a nice stranger with candy. Mommy really doesn't care anymore because no matter what that first kid is doing, it's nowhere near as interesting as what's on her friend's cell phone. Uh huh.
Ok, that's enough with the diaper commercials. I'll be back at school next week won't be watching tv during the day anymore so I won't be seeing them anyway. So bye for now, TrophyWives! Back to cell phones, drugs, trucks and all the other prime time goodness from tv land very soon, I promise!
Saturday, August 17, 2019
First, we've got a woman interviewing a potential babysitter who has a degree in Early Childhood Education but doesn't have a PhD and that's a problem, because to earn the right to be paid $6 an hour to watch a kid suck on fake car keys for a few hours you kind of need a PhD.
But by the time this woman has her second kid she has no more f--ks to give and is perfeclty willing to hand that second kid off to whichever teen girl is willing to sit in her house texting her friends in the near-vicinity of that baby, or both kids, or whatever.
The unintentionally hilarious tagline is that "more mothers of second children prefer Luvs." The strong implication is that FIRST moms are really, really concerned about their kids' safety and comfort, but women who are moms for the SECOND time are willing to settle for much, much less. Luvs is the annomymous teen babysitter to the Other Brand's Early Childhood Education Degree.
I wonder why they don't just put this message in the tagline- "Luvs Diapers: When you realize that there's nothing special about kids and diapers are just diapers."
Friday, August 16, 2019
I may do a "Part II" and even a "Part III" for this set of commericals, but for now I'm only going to comment on the first one, which runs for twenty-seven seconds of Anvilicious Stupid.
Ok, so in the first scenerio, we see a MommyWife engaging in a ridiculously age-inappropriate exercise of futility, attempting to teach her maybe eight-month-old spawn how to read. She's doing this in the massive suburban mansion DaddyHusband provided as his end of the deal. She's wasting her time but I guess as long as dinner is on the table on schedule and that house is clean, DaddyHusband's ok with it.
BTW, where is DaddyHusband during all this? He's walking around carrying a laptop. I guess sitting at a table isn't an option? Maybe he's afraid that if he's stationary MommyWife and Offspring will try to get him involved in all this? In any case, he looks thoroughly disinterested in what MommyWife is doing. You know, like I am.
For the second kid, MommyWife has decided to loosen up and just have fun with her children instead of trying to turn them into little Einsteins- as long as she's still doing the educational stuff too.
DaddyHusband's still walking around with what I'm guessing is an updated laptop. Still uninterested. Me too. What was this ad trying to sell again?
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
1. We start off with a baldfaced lie from this "dad"- "we are a very connected family."
You know, just a few decades ago, that statement would have been a rather awkward way of describing a family that enjoys a great deal of warmth and communication, sincerely appreciates opportunities to do things together....as a Family. You'd be more likely to hear "we are a very close family" or "we are a very tightly-knit family." But "we are very connected" would have come off ok.
Today, of course, "we are a very connected family" means pretty much the opposite of what it would have meant just at the turn of the century: what this dad is saying is that he and his "family" are "very connected" to the OUTSIDE WORLD. Everyone has devices which allow them to retreat into an electronic cocoon and away from those other human beings they share a house with- even those little kids. This is what it means to be a "very connected family" in 2019. So much better, right?
2. Then he hits us with the anvil of Very, Very Sad: If this family's connections are disrupted or slowed down, the result is "chaos." He's essentially telling us that the family suffers when it can no longer maintain that connection with the outside world at acceptable speeds. The inability to stream a video, play a game, etc. creates a situation that is basically intolerable, because it creates a situation in which the members of that family might have to actually talk to EACH OTHER FACE TO FACE and stop consuming electronic media for a few minutes, an hour or (horrors) even an entire day. Long-term, it might even mean that the family must make CHOICES concerning the consumption of that media, downright traumatic to people who are used to instant gratification from whatever glowing object they prefer to use at any given moment.
The "dad" in this commercial just wants peace in his house- which means, he just wants the zombies living under that roof to remain zombies, quietly living in their own worlds and - most importantly- leaving him alone. A house filled with humans keeping to themselves is the dream he achieves with Verizon Fios and Samsung. Why he wants this, I really don't have any idea- but I assume he's the same kind of parent who paid a lot of extra money for dual DVD players in the back seat so those zombie kids wouldn't talk to him while in the car, either, so this all probably fits into someone's idea of Paradise.
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Hey look everybody, three people are trading in their perfectly ok trucks for another perfectly ok truck they've decided is marginally better because they done seen it on the T V!
But the real entertainment isn't in watching these pathetic sellouts pimping for an exceptionally ordinary truck company as they chirp about how excited they are to be trading in their paid-for, completely functional, generally reliable trucks for years of car payments so the thing sitting in their driveway is a little shinier and without the dings, scratches, and dents which suggest regular usage. Nope, the REAL entertainment is in counting how many people were willing to go to the comment section of this video to kiss butt for a truck that except for showmanship is basically indistinguishable from any other on the market. Nice job, guys!
Friday, August 9, 2019
"Your paycheck. Your family depends on it."
Considering the amount of money I get paid, that's really sad. Maybe they should consider going out and getting their own jobs. That way not only would they not be counting on my paycheck, but they would be taking some of the burden of providing that beautiful big suburban house, cars, soccer and swim lessons, and every other damned thing they want off of me for a change. G-d d--ned vampires.
"What would happen if it just dissapeared?' See above. They'd have to get jobs. You know, like the one I've had for decades. Boo. F--ng. Hoo.
But I'm supposed to "protect" my family from that potential disaster of having to fend for themselves because I inconvenienced them by dying by taking some of my hard-earned money and buying life insurance? I want that money NOW to pay for a 7-11 hot dog or a (g-d forbid) a freaking MOVIE NIGHT OUT every now and then, but I'm supposed to do without so my family doesn't have to work after I'm DEAD?
And what if I DON'T die? Then who's gonna protect ME, HUH?
Wednesday, August 7, 2019
The running gag in this god-awful insulting classic song-raping commercial is that COPD "wants" you limit your activities while Anoro lets you "go your own way." It's a really stupid concept that is repeated over and over again because the pharmaceutical monstrosity which purchased the rights to use four words from Fleetwood Mac's classic (which I will now never be able to listen to again without thinking of these horrible people) decided that since they DID purchase those rights, they'd better use those four words like a freaking mallet to hammer the message into the viewers as many times as possible over the course of a thirty-second ad.
Wow, that was a long sentence. Speaking of long sentences, that's what I would like to see everyone involved in the crime against humanity that is this commercial. Especially the genius who thought that we wouldn't understand that Anoro is a drug that "in many cases" clears bronchial passages unless we got to see ugly people blowing away dust, wood chips, or whatever. And the marketing guru who came up with the white-and-red color scheme for Anoro's Patended Delivery System and then splashed those colors all over the ad. But an extra long sentence, please, for the callous jerktards who noticed that Go Your Own Way - or at least, the four words of the title and the tune- were available for purchase and decided to snatch it up and give it to some talentless pop band to butcher* in service of yet another No Problem The Right Drug Can't Fix Just Ask Your Doctor pharmaceutical commercial.
*check out the comments. Someone was paid to say that they like this version. Times are still tough, I guess.
Monday, August 5, 2019
Seriously, who writes this stuff? Every Febreze commercial features an obviously drugged-out-of-her-mind Trophy Wife who has obviously lost her will to live and is only avoiding suicide by breathing in clouds of toxic fumes being released from pressurized cans.
In this ad, the sad little mannequin who sold her soul for a house, a new last name, and a MRS Degree in Advanced Cleaning, Cooking and Taking Kids to Swimming Lessons is enjoying her regular dose of vanilla-scented poison right in front of her kids, who by the way sure look like they are late for the Village of the Damned auditions. Thing One says to Thing Two "she's doing it again," to which Thing Two really ought to respond "Daddy says its ok, the hot cleaning lady does most of the work and he wanted to stop at two offspring anyway."
TrophyWife can't take a moment to reflect on what a horrorshow her life has become- she's so bored, so stripped of anything resembling a personality, she finds pleasure in being coated by antibacterial stew- because that might just be fatal, and Daddy isn't quite ready to trade her in for a newer, cuter model QUITE yet. Still, that babysitter is available, and gets along great with the kids, and seems to like the big house just like TrophyWife did when she was TrophyGirlfriend, so who knows?
(Meanwhile, check out the perfectly ordinary, Obviously Not a TrophyWife woman using Brand X air freshener- clearly to her air freshener is just something you use in between cleanings, or in an odor emergency, and spraying it is just one of the ten thousand chores people have to do sometimes in between working, playing and actually Having a Life. She gets no joy out of spraying chemicals around just like she gets no joy out of pouring Clorox into the toilet or reaching for a Bounty paper towel when one of the Spawn She Created as Part of Her Side of the BargainTM creates a spill. She gets her happiness in life through her career, or being a good parent and life partner, or who knows what but NOT by breathing in fumes from a can. Crazy woman, she'll NEVER be a TrophyWife with THAT attitude!)
Saturday, August 3, 2019
Thank goodness for the US Postal Service, delivering that latest pointless piece of Must-Have electronic junk to your mailbox in the blink of an eye!
Yes, thanks to USPS, you'll be wearing or looking into or talking at yet another blinky glowing bit of plastic and lights long before buyer's remorse can even begin to set in; you won't even have a chance to have second thoughts concerning whether you actually needed or could even use that flashy showy box you strap to your head or set on the counter or wrap around your wrist before it shows up at your door ready to be used for a few days before it's forgotten, replaced by that ugly, gnawing sense that you just wasted more money you really couldn't afford to throw away on a product you thought might make your life significantly better than it was before you saw the ad for the latest Everyone Has This Why Don't You gadget.
USPS: Because Impulse Buying should be followed as quickly as possible by Impulse Having. In the immortal words of Jeb Bush, Please Clap.