Friday, August 23, 2019

Auto Warranty 411- because funeral insurance and credit repair aren't robbing poor people of enough money, I guess

"Own a car?  Don't have any money?  Live in constant terror that something is going to happen to that car which is your lifeline to the world and without which you'd lose your job and your house and would be living on the street fighting the rats for the last scrap of pizza in the dumpster?  Well, you should, because a new onboard computer for your car could cost you upwards of $1600.  A new transmission could cost you $2000.  And since you barely own your car 'cause let's face it, if you fall for pitches like this you are probably very well acquainted with the Title Loan place next to the Dollar General down the street, there's no way you're ready to take on that kind of repair bill on your own!"

"Here's a Solution- and by Solution, I mean it's a solution in the way that Rent A Center is a solution to your desire for a big-screen tv or X-Box.  You can buy a piece of paper we like to call a 'Policy' 'cause it sounds official and then you can rest easy when it comes to car repairs. 

"But wait, you're thinking 'I can't afford an extended car warranty, I asked at the dealership and saw the cost and it's way out of my budget.'  Well sure but 411 Auto Warranty is BETTER than the manufacturer's warranty.  You see, with a manufacturer's warranty, THEY get to pick where you get your car repaired and THEY get to require a deductible, doesn't that sound so unfair?  With OUR service YOU decide where you get your car repaired- go to the licensed repair shop down the street, go to the dealership, go to the teenaged kid next door- we don't care, because it's not like we're going to cover any of the repairs!  And there's no deductible because, again, we aren't going to cover anything!"

"I feel perfectly comfortable telling you this because you aren't listening anyway- you're too busy looking at the black and white shots of scared, worried, anxious people (that could be you!) and then color pix of happy, pretty people hugging their cars (this could be you!  Why Not?  You could be happy someday and have someone take a picture of Happy You in front of your car!  Maybe that car is even in good repair and running! It's been known to happen!'

"So anyway, if you're already poor and scared and an easy target for vampire hucksters who want to take advantage of your economic vulnerability to squeeze money you really can't afford to part with into their own bank accounts, call this number and we'll have you signed up for easy small small small monthly payments and get that piece of paper that says Warranty and All Covered Repairs Will Be Covered and all that comforting but ultimately meaningless bs you're craving right now!"

"Because we care!  Really!"

No comments:

Post a Comment