Friday, October 19, 2018

Google's Salute to the World it Made

In this commercial, Google celebrates the Idiocracy it helped create with it's Instant Answers Don't Even Think About It magic machines.  Haha, check out all the idiots who think that Lincoln is Jefferson and Tomatoes are Tangarines, thank goodness they've got their magic box in their chubby hands to do their thinking for them!

And if that isn't enough to make you weep for your generation, just check out the comments.  I dare you. When did quoting a commercial or typing "I LOST IT LOL" become worthy of approval?  And why didn't I just die way before that happened?

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

So AFLAC never denies claims, right?

Yes, because insurance companies are so anxious to pay off claims that they'll pop up and attempt to shove money into your face if they even THINK you're injured.  Especially AFLAC, whose duck- which stopped being funny about twenty years ago BTW- will practically jump you with a bill full of money if you so much as HINT that you might be in need of financial assistance.  Uh huh.

The only thing more ridiculous than the notion that AFLAC just can't wait to hand you money is the suggestion that this woman actually forgot that she signed up to pay for very, very expensive insurance.  How big is this woman's salary if she didn't even notice those huge chunks of it being handed to AFLAC every freaking payday?

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Chubb sells insurance to people much, much better than me

Chubb Commercial # 1- this rich jackass is waxing poetic about the palatial estate that has been in his family for years and years that he loves very much but rarely visits because after all, he's got six other homes to live in.  He has insurance on it from this disgusting company called Chubb (which just SOUNDS like it's insurance to protect the toys of the very wealthy.)

This guy is so impressed that when wildfires broke out around his Ancestorial Estate and other losers were watching their So-Called Homes going up in smoke because they couldn't afford Chubb Insurance, Chubb sent a private firefighting squad to protect the house he owns but doesn't live in.  Doesn't occur to this jackass that maybe Chubb just did the math and figured out that it would be a lot cheaper to protect the house from fire than replace the house if it went up in flames.  Nah, he's too busy thinking how he "didn't ask them" to protect his house.  I wonder if he's irritated because he was hoping to use the Total Loss Settlement to buy property he might actually want and use.  Either way, here's a company that was willing to risk the lives of firefighters to protect some guy's seventh house - firefighters who I'm sure stood by and watched the houses of Not Customers and Therefore Not People reduced to rubble- and this is supposed to be heartwarming (no pun intended.)  Uh huh.

Chubb Commercial # 2- I don't encourage anyone to slog their way through this entire Special Insurance for Special People ad; it's pretty disgusting and if it doesn't make you long for the good old days when pigs like this were being marched off to the National Razor to the cheers of the crowd you are no friend of mine.  Instead, I'll just point out one scene near the end, where a greying man is standing in front of a McMansion talking about how Chubb Insurance protects "everything he owns" while his wife and kid look on appreciatively from the front yard.  That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

Saturday, October 13, 2018

State Farm's Obnoxious "Dream House" Ad leaves me wishing for a bear attack

1.  I knew ten seconds in that these idiots from Safe Diversity Casting INC were Urbanites who got all their "information" about living in the country from old Disney films.  I mean, the woman here imagines that birds are something other than dirty pests and that it would be fun to have a disease-ridden, sharp-toothed-and-clawed rodent hanging around like a dog.

2.  I knew twenty seconds in that I was watching a BS overdose presented to us by State Farm because there's this weird connection attempted between "Savings Accounts" and "Buying a Dream Home."  It sure SOUNDS LIKE we're supposed to get "if you save money with State Farm you'll have money for that Dream Home, because unlike every other bank on the planet we actually pay high dividends on Savings Accounts instead of nothing at all."  What the commercial is REALLY saying is "if you do any business at all with State Farm, you'll have access to financial experts who can guide you to good investments that might- MIGHT- get you the money you need for that Dream House someday."

3.  I knew thirty seconds in that the people who made this ad decided that the only way they could get their point across was to shame urban-dwellers as disgusting losers who live in small, cramped apartments on noisy streets because they are too oafish and stupid to take advantage of the awesome opportunities offered by State Farm.  Nothing to do with stagnant incomes or anything like that.  The nice couple  starring in this commercial, obviously way too good to be living in this nasty apartment better suited for Lesser People, will soon escape this Urban Dystopia for something more suitable to their station in life.  I'm sure they'll wave to sad, uninformed scum as they drive away.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Playstation Continues to Redefine the word "Mature"

MATURE (Adjective) 1.  Complete in natural growth or development. 2.  Ripe, as fruit, or fully aged, as wine or cheese.  2.  Fully developed in body or mind.

Hmmmm....none of these seem to fit Playstation 4's newest version of it's long-running abomination, "Call of Duty," which always involves turning being a soldier into a freaking joke and something you can do from your mommy's couch.  While wearing a hat you can use as a weapon now, I guess.

So can someone please explain to me why these games are rated "mature?"  That word sure as hell doesn't describe anyone who actually plays them.

However, it does come a lot closer to describing the game than it does any of the drooling, semi-literate idiots who responded to this trailer on YouTube.  I weep for my nation when I read some of this crap.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Capital One and Jennifer Garner live in a fantasy world...

...where people actually keep their voices down in a public library.  I can't remember the last time I was in a library where people even attempted to keep their voices down- hell, I consider myself fortunate when there isn't at last one disgusting jagoff using a freaking cell phone when I go to the library.

...where adults actually sit and read and kids actually do what appears to be research (they've got notebooks and paper) at the library.  What is this, the 1980s?  I mean, I really hope I'm wrong and this is still a very common sight- but when I go to the library there are always more people wasting time on the computers than actually reading.  And doing research?  At the library?  That's still a thing?

....where it makes perfect sense for a credit card spokeschoad to enthusiastically whisper praises of a that credit card to a random elderly librarian stock character.  Why is Ms Garner doing this?  Why is the librarian the perfect candidate for the Capital One Credit Card, and why is now the time to be pitching that card?

....where in response to "imagine the miles," the librarian apparently does so and instantly breaks out into a "Wow That's a Lot of Miles" scream?  We can see the librarian's screen- she didn't go to Capital One and check out how many miles she could get.  She just started "imagining" the miles she could get and apparently got floored by her own math?  What the hell was that all about?

I really don't know what is going on here.  I'm missing something.  What is it?  A lobotomy?

Monday, October 8, 2018

The Vector Robot: Because "None of the Above" is not an option

In a sane world, the punchline of this ad is "stop relying on these stupid 'personal assistant robots,' stop acting like you are totally helpless unless you've got some electronic device in your house that responds to your commands, get your act together and your ass off your couch and stop being a ridiculous pathetic jagoff when it comes to managing your own life."

Because we no longer live in a sane world, it's just about picking the RIGHT command-obeying robot to do your thinking for you and to allow you to be a lazy toddler for your entire life.

I'm not buying in.  Not EVER.  My mother adopted to the internet and cellphones, even though they didn't come around until she was in her early-60s, but that doesn't mean I have to accept that an electronic personal assistant is now a neccessary appliance just because I'm considerably younger than that.  I don't play video games, I don't watch movies on my phone, and I don't need to bleat commands at a robot sitting on my shelf. 

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Trophy Wives Unite For Nexplanon!

"When my future husband plucked me from the harsh realities of Real Adult Life shortly after I graduated from High School because he wanted to upgrade from his Inconveniently The Same Age original wife, I was totally on board with the idea that I'd be expected to add to his already-extant family."

"I fulfilled my side of the bargain by producing several children for the old guy who saved me from the Scary Real World and who gave me a new last name and a MRS degree."

"But now I'm done.  I've got the contract right here, and it clearly says that I've done my duty and I've had as many kids as required in exchange for that nice house and financial security."

"That's why there's Nexplanon.  Because he's still going to want to have sex with me for a few more years- until I, like his first wife, start to get a bit stale and no longer have that young-girl glow that he obviously can't live without.  Then I'll get dumped with a financial settlement, just like Wife No. 1.  I totally get that.  So I'm not going to put my body through any more torture than absolutely necessary. An hour a day on the Pelaton bike is enough, believe me!"

"Now if you'll excuse me, I've left Hubby in the same room alone with the babysitter for several minutes now, and that's never a good idea."

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Zyrtec's Bizarrely gross "Coffee" ad

Here's one of those truly repulsive, ugly little knobs of an ad that you can't quite believe managed to make it past the quality control board and on to your screen.

One person in this car of amazingly diverse group of women has allergies- so she hi-LARIOUSLY sneezes the whipped cream on her not-coffee all over the windshield- because that's what happens when you're holding something that it topped with whipped cream when you sneeze.  You kind of automatically jam your nose up against the whipped cream so it can spray everywhere.  And then it WILL spray everywhere Because Television.

Her "friends" think that this disgusting moment is epic funny.  They also think that every sneeze must be a symptom of an actual medical condition because they instantly hand their "friend" a bottle of Zyrtec.  Because you can't just sneeze.  You must have a bad cold, or allergies, or something.  Something that can be fixed with powerful drugs.

Anyway, these "friends" won't be "friends" much longer, because apparently they are going to remind the sneezer of That Time She Sneezed Foam All Over The Windshield instead of oh, I don't know, moving her face slightly or covering her mouth or doing any number of Normal things a person would do other than sneeze right into a cup topped with whipped cream.  This woman will be finding another carpool filled with actual human beings and maybe ordering drinks that aren't topped with Magic Flying Foam.  Or at least learning some of those manners she should have picked up before she moved out of her Mom's house for chrissakes.

(BTW, no surprise that the Comment Section is blocked for this ad.  Some commercials are too gross and dumb even for the LOL I LOVE THIS AD squad that haunts YouTube.)

Thursday, October 4, 2018

Taco Bell "Movie Jail?"

Never Mind "Movie Jail."  Smuggle that 3000-calorie pile of Taco Bell crud you are "in love with" into the theater, stinking it up for everyone else, and I hope someone rips that hoodie off and shoves it down your selfish taco hole while the rest of the patrons beat you to death with your own sense of entitlement.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Oh yeah, and this is a commercial which has zero to do with booking rooms.

"Are you filming this?"

The guy sounds like he doesn't want his family to be filming him.  That's his choice, I guess, but don't ask me to understand it.  You are trying something really cool while on vacation- why wouldn't you want it filmed?

"Lookin' good, babe!"

We've established from the look on the guy's face that he would rather not be filmed.  His family doesn't give a damn, probably because while HIS idea of a good time while on vacation is to try cool new things and be active, THEIR idea of a good time is to sit on their asses on the beach with their electronic device hoping that dad makes a fool of himself so they can share it with the world.  Nice family, huh?

The "punchline" is supposed to be that the guy doesn't do whatever the hell he's trying to do perfectly the first time, and LOL it's so funny to see Dad Look StupidTM Let's Share.  As far as I'm concerned, the actual punchline is that a family went on vacation and only one of them even attempted to have fun and had an original experience because the others were too busy sitting around with f--ing electronics which work just as well back in the suburbs and didn't need to be brought to an exotic resort on dad's hard-earned money.  I'm rooting for another punchline- while Mom and Kids are in the hotel room watching different things on their personal electronic devices, Dad hooks up with the smoking-hot lifeguard at the hotel pool.  How's that for water sports?