Sunday, October 20, 2019

Tide + NFL = Another Celebration of Dumb



Remember back in February when this was just a cute re-occurring concept for a series of Superbowl ads, and not something that you were being battered with every few minutes, hour after hour, for committing the crime of wanting to watch football?

Anyone remember the last time an ad agency came up with a clever concept and just viewers kind of enjoy it as a nice, inventive little surprise instead of responding with a knee-jerk "oh, you liked that? Well here it is again, 400 times over, until you want to blow your brains out whenever you see it pop up on your screen" series of Here We Go Again commercials?  I seriously can't.  In my lifetime, clever concepts on tv get beaten to death, then the bones get beaten, then the dust gets beaten, and then the dust gets buried for a year or two....and then the horse is resurrected to get beaten all over again for Nostalgia's Sake. 

Given the history, I suspect we'll be seeing this "What Night is Laundry Night" bit go on for quite some time.  Peyton Manning will keep showing up to bleat nonsense about Official NFL Declarations concerning when I'm supposed to do my laundry (think Peyton Manning has ever done laundry in his entire life?  Think he knows where the washing machine is in any of his houses? Me neither) and the drooling YouTube monkeys will gulp it down and claim to want more when they aren't begging to know where they can download the background music.  Other NFL "legends" will join in, until this Tide Ad campaign has had more official spokeschoads than KFC has had fake Colonels.  Eventually it will dissolve into a wall of white noise for even the OMG I LOVE THIS AD glue-sniffers and disappear from the airwaves, though I imagine that'll be 2024 at the earliest.  Then it will rise from the dead like Paul from Sprint to remind us the Good Old Days when we thought we liked this noxious, steaming little cowpie of an ad campaign.

Oh, and Peyton?  You showed up in every other commercial while you were still an active player.  Nobody misses you, because nobody's been given a chance to miss you.  I'd like that chance, please.

Friday, October 18, 2019

Questions, Indeed!



1.  So this woman was actively searching for another position while employed by her current company....maybe if she had been a little more focused on her job instead of searching for a better one, she would have been considered valuable enough to earn a promotion?

2.  This looks like a pretty serious company- this woman better hope she doesn't have some kind of non-competition agreement which prevents her from going to work for that place that wants to arrange an interview?

3.  This woman sure looks confident that she's going to get a job that she's just now learned about.  Was she just as confident when she joined this firm that she'd be getting regular advancement in exchange for hard work (I'm assuming that when she isn't looking for opportunities to quit, she works hard?)  If she does get the job over the six-foot-two white guy also being interviewed, is she going to keep floating her resume out there every time someone else gets promoted over her?

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

As long as they don't miss their appointment with the National Razor, I'm fine with this



I bet you let yourself get fixated on the fact that two people who are supposed to be in "FRANCE 1780" are interrupted in their discussion of carriage prices by a guy with a Circa 2019 SUV.  And yes, that's really really stupid.  But it's not the brain-dead insulting part of this ad.

That comes closer to the end, when the SUV-owning jackass yells across the square that he got a GREAT PRICE and, when challenged for evidence, waves his phone and yells "IT LITERALLY SAYS, GREAT PRICE!"  Ah, ok, why didn't you say so?  The App on your phone says Great Price, MUST be a great price otherwise how could the ad get away with saying so?

And the two people who overpaid on their...um carriages- quickly concede the "point."  Because as I mentioned earlier, they've been given Absolute Proof the other guy got a great price 'cause it Says Right There on his Phone.

Ok, done.  Bring on Robespierre and start the clean-up job on these twits please.  Because the Revolution can't succeed as long as France is burdened by this level of mouth-breathing gullibility, can it?

Sunday, October 13, 2019

More Awesome Parenting from Kraft!



Got a little brat in your ridiculous palatial suburban mansion who won't eat her veggies?  Don't model healthy eating, that's too hard.  Don't make her eat her vegetables- that just creates disharmony in the household (and, as I learned in a song featured in the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, there's nothing more important than peace and quiet in the household.)

Here's a better idea- just give the kid something she'll eat with a big smile on her face, because Big Smiles and Contentment is what it's all about.  If that means tossing the veggies into the garbage and letting her eat macaroni saturated with fatty orange goo, well, fine.  Eventually she'll like that fatty orange goo so much you might even get away with pouring it on her veggies and getting your Little Angel to eat them, too!

Then you all can sit in your ridiculous glowing-clean dining room and give each other huge satisfied grins, as if anyone but that awful picky brat actually accomplished something of value. The little girl here certainly DID learn a valuable lesson- throw a fit, raise mommy's stress level- and she'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.*  Dad?  Well, dad just wants a quiet house.  He couldn't give a damn what his daughter eats or how his wife deals with daughter's little tantrums, as long as it's all done by the time he walks into his Castle expecting a decent dinner.  He's not particularly thrilled that TrophyWife is serving him Kraft Crap In A Box as well, but we often get less than what we pay for.

*Seinfeld reference

Saturday, October 12, 2019

I still don't hate these people as much as Lexus owners, sorry Buick!*



I'd like all these spoiled brats to go die in fires, preferably after being in horrible accidents in their cars- oh, excuse me, I mean in their Buicks.  Can they do that?

At the very least, I wish the guy who forgot to lock his car (I'm not playing this game) already had it stolen or vandalized, as it's clearly been hours since he left it (seriously, he's somewhere off the coast, and his car (f--k you, Buick) is parked ostentatiously on the top level of some parking garage at an airport?  Maybe not even in the same country?  WTF?)

And the woman who tells Alexa to start the car- umm, may I ask why?  It doesn't look like it's cold outside.  Or warm.  So what's the point of starting it before you get out there?  Afraid your carbon footprint isn't large enough, lady?  Or is it just another case of "I'm doing this because I can and I want you to know I can?"

Either way, I'd refer you back to my first request.

*We are approximately six weeks away from December to Remember Lexus ads.  Sorry.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Taco Bell's latest offering to America's Insatiable Stupid Food Hole



In the sick, perverted fantasy world of Taco Bell, thousands of people stand in line like lemmings who've been told that their destination is a store selling the newest iPhone to buy whatever greasy piece of faux-Mexican food trash they deign to serve up this week.

As if this commercial wasn't dumb enough on it's face- and it is (I mean, seriously- how many hours are these people standing in line to purchase a taco dusted with cheese?  It's CHEESE, people- not gold.  Not the newest iPhones!  CHEESE!  And pretty much exactly the same kind of cheese you wipe on your pants after eating a bag of Doritos!  Seriously, people!)  we have the spectacle of a woman commenting on what she just waited on line for, purchased, and is now eating as she walks out the door (I actually find this rather believable.  Anyone dumb enough waste a day they'll never get back to buy a handful of greasy meat wrapped in a giant Dorito is certainly dumb enough to express amazement over the concept seconds after the purchase.)



Here's what I don't get, though:  Why is the product featured in this SNL ad from six years ago not on the menu at Taco Bell yet?  I mean, Taco Bell is owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken, the people who brought us the Sandwich with deep-fried chicken in the place of bread.  Surely they can figure out the physics of a taco-pizza-crepe-pancake combo.  I'd stand in line for that!*

*not really

Sunday, October 6, 2019

Questions for the fans of Buffalo Wild Wings, etc.



1.  If you can't deprive yourself of football for one day a year to attend a friend's wedding, send the invite back with the "NO" box checked and send a gift.  Don't show up, eat the food, and sit at a table staring at your phone during the festivities like the self-absorbed douchenozzle you know you are.  Just stay home with your football game.  Everyone else will have a great time without you.  Hell, they'll have a BETTER time without you.

2.  If you go to Buffalo Wild Wings, please don't act like the guys in this commercial who act as if they are afraid that if they actually eat the wings instead of attacking them, the taste might catch up and they'll realize they aren't eating actual Buffalo Wings like the kind you can get at actual sports bars from Buffalo to Pittsburgh but rather bland, mass-produced chicken that's just fine if you want lots of finger food during a football game but nowhere near good enough if you've experienced the real thing.

3.  If you work for the ad agency that makes these commercials, please ask yourself why you think that potential customers need to be yelled at in every. Single. Buffalo Wild Wings Ad.  Because we don't.  People who enjoy the prospect of sitting in the Olive Garden of Sports Bars for three hours watching The Game (any game) on a big screen tv while eating barely-seasoned chicken and guzzling down pitchers of equally bland brand-name beer don't require this level of angry hype, and people who have taste won't respond to it anyway, so why not just skip it already?

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Wow, I can't imagine why comments are blocked for this iPhone 11 commercial



I mean, you'd think that Apple and Sprint would WANT to soak in the adulation from the viewers who just love the idea of trading in their old iPhones (iPhone 7 or younger, in ANY condition and we mean ANY condition, ANY!) and also love the excitement just oozing like gangrene pus from these two chipper young people!*

Or maybe Apple and Sprint are well aware that they put together a complete Hot Mess of an ad which would inspire the average viewer to dive for the mute button much more than hunting up their old iPhone and heading off to the nearest Apple store to sign another economically ruinous contract in exchange for a marginally nicer and newer phone than the one you crippled your bank account to purchase six months ago.

*I'm being generous by calling Paul a "young" person- he's 48- but it might be more descriptive to just call him an easily-purchased whore for whichever company is willing to hand him a check, a description many would consider harsh but I don't think anyone could argue is inaccurate.

Friday, October 4, 2019

Postmates demonstrates a trend I really want to see end like right now please



Some time in the very recent past a whole lot of advertising agencies got the idea that being as disgusting as humanly possible was the best strategy for selling a product.  Don't offer information about your product, don't tell the viewer why your product was superior- hell, don't even tell him what your product IS.  Just be as stupid and gross as you think you can get away with (and that's a line that's getting harder to hurdle every moment,) slap that crud on tv, and there you go, you've got yourself a commercial that will get attention.

Negative attention, but attention.

This clip includes two commercials for something called "Postmates," which I'm going to guess is just another food delivery service.  I'm not at all sure why Postmates decided that the best way to sell their food service was to

1.  Hire a tax cheat as a spokeschoad.  I mean, come on, really?  Martha Stewart?  Why do I care what Martha Stewart is pimping?  She's a crook.  I associate her with ripping people off.  Why would I buy anything she rents her name to?  And

2.  Take away any semblance of an appetite I may have had before either ad hit the air.  The first one is dumb and gross.  The second makes the first almost passable by comparison.  Almost.

BTW, check out the second guy's apartment.  I don't care about him in the slightest.  I hope he went for the penthouse, because that just means it's all that much farther to the pavement   However, I'm really kind of stunned we don't see any blood.  Given the classiness displayed in both ads, I'd expect to see LOTS of blood- like, spraying everywhere, including all over that laptop screen.   Wouldn't that have been even MORE funny, Postmates?

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Taylor Swift is Just Regular Folks. This has something to do with Capital One, I guess.



See, everyone?  Taylor Swift is just like you and me, performing  low-paying jobs badly and having a good time doing it, because if she gets fired well like I said she's just like you and me and she'll be doing her best to make ends meet while she seeks out another low-paying job.

Yep, it's just so adorable to see multi-millionaires slumming it to the delight of their fans, doesn't it?  Maybe Taylor can show up at my school and teach a class or two, failing adorably at that, too.  It would make her even more gosh-darned relateable, if that's even possible.  Meanwhile, there's seriously nothing more delightful than watching someone who makes more money in an hour than the people who actually work at the jobs she's cosplaying at make in a year pretending to be Just Another Struggling Laborer, don't you think?