Friday, July 24, 2015

I can see where an actual flamethrower would come in handy here.

Yes, stupid lady, Gary remembers what happened last time.  And he doesn't give a damn because hey, he's Gary and he's a guy and you keep following him to Dairy Queen like a very, very unhappy little puppy.

Maybe it's just a lack of self-esteem?

I mean, think about it for a second.  From this guy's change in facial hair (which is supposed to indicate the passage of time, right?) the couple in this ad has been coming to Dairy Queen for years and years, and for years and years Gary has been making a total ass of himself every. Single. Time.

Yet, not only does this guy keep coming back to Dairy Queen- but this woman keeps coming back with him.  To be embarressed by his idiot behavior.  Over and over again.

By the time we get to the Present Day, she looks totally deflated, defeated, and most of all resigned to the idea that this is the guy she's going to be with for the foreseeable future.  All she can manage nowadays is a resigned "you know yourself, Gary."  Someone taught this woman very, very well that no matter how painful and life-sucking it may be to be with a guy, it's still better than being alone.

There is absolutely nothing worse than being alone- not even being with Gary.

But hey, maybe after becoming a familiar sight at Dairy Queen ("oh great, here comes Miss Desperate and Braying Moron Boyfriend Again") this time she's going to get a break- Gary has purchased what looks to be about two ounces of ice cream to cool down his mouth after whatever jalepeno-infested crap he insists on consuming gets eaten.  A fountain soda filled with a cold drink and ice couldn't do it, but a child-sized sundae will, huh?  Well, whatever, Dairy Queen.  It's your commercial.

And whatever, sad lady- it's your life.

(Heads up, kids and people- I'll be taking my annual vacation to the beach tomorrow and won't be able to update this site until next Saturday.  Enjoy the Archives 'till then!)

Hunger Can't Kill My Determination to be an Incurable Adolescent

It's almost frightening to think how many "men" out there think that this ad is in any way cool, let alone think that hanging out with other "men" in a living room during what is an obviously very nice day with Escape-Your-Pathetic-Reality glasses strapped to your empty head is in any way a "life."

It's absolutely no surprise that Hot Pockets are the go-to food of choice for "men" who would engage in this kind of activity.  As long as you are engaged in a lame substitute for life, why not fuel it using a lame substitute for food?  And as long as your activities are more appropriate for eight-year olds, why not eat crap made for stupid, Devil-May-Care eight year olds and their clueless "oh let's just buy it sure it's crap but it's easy to heat up and then they'll leave us alone" parents?

One YouTube commentator wonders how the jackass at the center of this awfulness was able to find the microwave.  I think the answer is actually pretty obvious- he spends so much time playing this asinine, life-sucking junk that he's memorized where the freezer and microwave is, because man it's a pain to take a break from the virtual reality that is so, so much more interesting that real life.  The lamp?  Who cares where that is?

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

For the people who have everything-- More!..

In every single one of these awful Swiffer ads, people living in houses which suggest that they have absolutely no need for a free ten-year supply of anything open their massive doors to discover that the Mop Fairy has left them a free ten-year supply of Swiffer mop thingees.  So their Almost Perfect Lives are now Almost Perfect Lives with clean floors.  Uh huh.

I keep opening the door to my Not-House and finding no packages containing anything I didn't order and pay for.  Meaning that the Swiffer Mop Fairy is a lot like Santa Claus- it saves the very best gifts for people who can already afford pretty much everything they want.  If I get a Free Sample of dog food it makes my day- and I don't even own a dog.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Now I can go back to worrying if my jacket is properly zipped....

Full Disclosure:  I use these things, and they're great for exactly the reason claimed- because when you want to keep a steady pace up over a long distance, there's nothing more annoying than having to stop to tie your shoes.  I wish I had invented them.

I'm only including this ad because of a line I read at the official website- "finally, an end to the stress and worry of untied shoes...."  Shoes coming untied are annoying.  But I have to say, I've never experienced "stress" and certainly not "worry" over them.  I mean, they are kind of a fact of life.  If you "worry" about your shoes coming untied and you aren't on a killer escalator or walking a tightrope, you don't have enough actual problems in your life.  Would you like to borrow some?

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Well, at least no one's screaming in this Nissan ad...

So instead of just getting Little Jimmy to the next bus stop, Dad decides that the best thing to do would be to "race" the schoolbus?  Hmm, good thing that the schoolbus and dad's car are the only two vehicles in this entire suburban landscape, and good thing that the bus driver, the dad and his kid are the only people who exist in this particular universe, otherwise the dad's decision to drive 60 MPH down those streets might come across as a bit....irresponsible?

No speed bumps either- who needs them in a town with a population of three people anyway?

Friday, July 17, 2015

Not pictured: What any of this had to do with buying anything

So....when this stupid idiot was bitten by an unfamiliar watersnake, he

1.  Decided to seek out a couple of inbred, toothless hicks who coudn't speak recognizable English instead of, oh, I don't know, going to a hospital.  Maybe this particular car doesn't come with GPS or WiFi and maybe this is the only other person on the planet other than me who doesn't own a SmartPhone?

2.  Figured that no matter what the fugitives from Deliverance told him, he had been bitten by a poisonous snake.  Kind of makes you wonder why he asked.  Then again, this is a guy who still hasn't gone to a hospital to be checked out.

3.  Clearly never, ever went to a hospital and survived the snake bite out of sheer dumb luck because the snake was not, in fact, poisonous.   I don't know if he's telling this story that night, or a month later, or five years later, but he's made it quite obvious that he never consulted a professional about the snake bite.  Because he thinks that he's just immune to snake venom.

4.  Anyone else want to see this idiot continue to wade through swamps in total confidence that he's immune to snake venom?  Or is it just me?

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The "Colonel" is spinning in his bucket.....

I have nothing against Darrell Hammond- though I will say that his Bill Clinton impersonation paled in comparison to Phil Hartman's- and I'm glad he's picking up a paycheck here, but that doesn't mean this isn't seriously creepy.

After all, this character comes right out and says that he IS Colonel Sanders- not an actor playing him.  Harlan Sanders has been dead for 35 years.  And even when he was alive, I don't recall ever seeing him act like this- what's with the creepy giggle?

It seems to me that if you are going to have an actor impersonate a dead person, that actor is kind of required to have some respect for the character and stay within the actual parameters of the character's actual personality.  Hey, KFC- I'd much rather see old commercials featuring the actual guy, but barring that, at least spare us this Circus Clown Pretending To Be The Long-Dead Face of the Franchise bit, ok?  Because jeeesh, this is tacky.

Monday, July 13, 2015

AT&T ramps up the dumb

I guess the message here is that you better have a tablet and this special package from AT&T because otherwise when the first woman pitches in the Major Leagues, you might miss it?

Um, seriously, AT&T?  What- there won't be any televisions by the time that happens?  Or AT&T will have a monopoly on mass entertainment and won't let us witness this particular event in history unless we are paying for this service?

Tell you what- if that's the case, then when the first female pitcher is drafted by a Major League Baseball team, I'll sign up, ok?  Until then- why would I pay for this?  It's not my fault you blew money paying some ad firm to whip up this junk; you can't convince me I'm supposed to chip in for it.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

The most revolting Arby's commercial of all time

Let's imagine a slight rewrite of this ad:

"So, you're Jewish.  Ever be super-tempted to indulge in delicious, sizzling-hot maple-cured BACON?  Well, we have help for you- call-------"

I'd love to meet the person who green-lighted this insulting, smarmy, just plain rude thirty seconds of noxious crud.  Hey, Arby's?  I'm not a vegetarian.  But I'm also not into processed, heavily-salted Grade C "meat" encrusted in fat and sliced so thin as to be practically transparent.  And I'm especially not into mocking someone's deeply-held beliefs in order to peddle heart-unfriendly junk "food."  I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of vegetarians who are often tempted to indulge in animal products.  I'm also quite POSITIVE that not ONE of them has ever fallen off the wagon at an Arby's.

What's the matter, Arby's?  Market share plummeting?  Because there's got to be some reason beyond "we just want to sell a few more Almost-Beef Sandwiches" for this atrocity.  Or maybe you think your "restaurant" is the only one that sells bacon?  Either way- I really don't care.  Get this nasty ad off my television, please.  Like most Americans, I was indifferent to your company before seeing it.  Now I can't imagine being hungry enough to patronize it.  Jackasses.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Scenes from this ad later used in an Adam Sandler film. You know, recycling garbage and all.....

I'm as liberal as they come, but this ad makes me want to rent a Humvee and drive it in circles while throwing plastic six-pack holders to unsuspecting seals.

Man, talk about hitting us over the head with an Important Social Commentary with a giant Made From 100 Percent Recycled Materials mallet.  It's repetitive, obvious, and painfully long (I can't believe it's "only" 61 seconds- I would have guessed at least two minutes.)  And for most of it all I could think was "jeesh, what a bunch of jerks these people are, they are practically stepping on this thing, and someone is finally willing to pick it up only when it rolls up against a recycling bin?"  What the hell?

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

American Flag Not Included

Here's another ad for one of those We'll Help You Keep Your House Even If You Aren't Paying For It Anymore "services."  I know it's mean, but they always kind of make me laugh- like the "behind in your taxes?" ads, the general message seems to be "just because you signed a contract doesn't mean you should have to abide by it."

The nice couple sitting on their lawn with a showy American flag in the background is clearly interested in "protecting their home" against the nasty, mean old bank which is unfairly asking them to follow through on a legal commitment and Simply Doesn't Understand That Hey Things Happen like living beyond your means- it's not like they didn't INTEND to pay the bill, they just Can't Because!  So they need a Legal Team to keep the Awful Horrible Bank off their backs.  I am not sure how this is "protecting their home"- their home doesn't seem to be in any danger.  It looks like it's perfectly safe.  Might have different people living in it soon, but perfectly safe.

As a renter who will have to inherit a house to ever own one, I have to admit I have very little compassion for people who buy houses or anything else that they can't pay for.  I know, crap happens.  But that's life.  If you buy a house and can't make the payments, how is that any different from if I buy a car and can't make payments?  The deal is simply off at that point, and I have no business complaining when the bank shows up and takes "my" car back.  Same with Bob and Suzy here, sitting on "their" lawn in front of "their" house.  It's only your house if you can pay for it, Bob and Suzy.  And if you can't?  There are apartments available on my street.  You can even bring that American Flag and fly it from your window if you want.

Monday, July 6, 2015

I hope this guy eventually remembers where the Eject button is

Seriously, what is the problem with this woman?  Either she's an emasculating horror in a nice dress or the guy she's with has a history of leaving his head on the counter as they run off to do fabulous things in his freaking Lexus.

There's evidence for Option #2 at the very end, in which the Guy Who Can Almost Remember When He Had a Little Self-Confidence (before he met this woman and started to spend his days having tiny but painfully sharp needles jabbed into him every few minutes) actually FAILS and no, doesn't quite remember where THEY parked (I put THEY in caps, because I can't help but notice that this woman never carries the invites, never carries the tickets, never makes the reservations, and apparently also pays absolutely no attention to where THEY park, because apparently all that is HIS job.  Her job?  To look good- and keep it up with those sharp needles.)  The guy who is Always On The Verge of Failing can use his phone to find the car (and openly aggressively give Miss Passive-Aggresive a yank on the arm as part of the bargain.)

But because I came up with the title of this post before I wrote it, I'm going with Option #1.   This woman is an overly snarky, demanding rhymes-with-witch who seems pretty certain that being good-looking is a license to nag.   You can do better, buddy.  She isn't that good-looking.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

In the Second type of game, the home team always wins

Scene 1: Intensely stupid men doing something intensely stupid- I think they are playing rugby while simulataneously eating cookies.  Because you know, guys=really stupid.  This is television, after all.  Guys always equal stupid on television.

Scene 2:  Intensely stupid couples blow their hard-earned money at a casino.

As near as I can tell, Scene 2 is supposed to demonstrate an improvement over Scene 1.  Personally, I don't get it- unless one of the guys in Scene 1 ends up choking to death on his cookie, the day is probably going to wrap up with a bunch of tired, sweaty guys having done some bonding and maybe getting a few bruises and some exercise into the bargain.  Scene 2 is going to end with the couple waking up with less money in the bank than they had before, and a hangover.   That's better?

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Um, GE? Maybe you shoudn't hire a biologist to talk about electricity....

Sally LePage may be an Oxford-educated biologist, but what she knows about the history of electricity could fit into a thimble.  "Ever since Benjamin Franklin introduced electricity into modern life?"  Um, really, Miss LePage?  I mean, jeeesh, there's a portrait of Thomas Edison RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Not that Edison deserves the credit for "introducing electricty into modern life," but he sure as heck deserves it more than Ben Franklin with his worthless cell battery experiment.  Saying that Franklin deserves credit for making electricity part of modern life is kind of like crediting DaVinci for introducing the helicopter.  Um, not really.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Sandals Presents: The non-problems of Pretty White People

So...John and Suzy are so filthy-rich, clueless and entitled that they flew off for a vacation to Sandals and they BOTH forgot their wallets?  Let me guess- the servants who are usually in charge of the packing were given the day off?  I mean, WTF?

Anyway, No Worries (as usual) for John and Suzy (who apparently remembered their passports, because even John and Suzy need to show offical Government ID when they board planes, right?  Hell, maybe not...) because at Sandals, everything is included in your (I'm sure) well-earned vacation package- all your meals, all your liquor, all your entertainment-- all your souveniers?  Meh, John and Suzy don't look like they've got children, so who needs souveneirs anyway?

I get what this is supposed to be saying- "hey, you don't need money at Sandals, everything's included- you just need money to book your dream vacation.  Don't lose your wallet when you are doing that, otherwise as far as we're concerned, you might as well be poor and ugly rather than rich and pretty."

But I shudder to think who this ad is actually made for- people who are somehow very wealthy while also being stunningly careless and stupid.  Maybe the same kind of people who are in the market for cars with rearview cameras and laned-drift detectors.  Maybe the same kind of people who are in the market for Find Your Car Apps and phones which tell you how to locate your own living room.

Because, seriously- John and Suzy both forgot their wallets?  REALLY?  I have a strong suspicion that John and Suzy are trust-fund babies, or than one of them is named Hilton.  Because- man, that is gold-plated careless.