Saturday, December 31, 2022

Capital One puts the spotlight back on those stupid small businesses we are supposed to support Because Reasons


Whenever I see one of these "hey look at our stupid small business" commercials, I just have to ask something.  No, it's not "did either of you two ever think that you'd actually be providing something of value to society before you gave up and went the Pointless, Worthless, Forgotten-As-Soon-As-You're-Gone Small Business route?'  Because I know the answer to that question:  It has to be "yes."  Nobody grows to adulthood actually dreaming of someday tapping into a niche market and then spending the rest of one's life pandering to people with a little extra money burning holes in their pockets.  Whether it's Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes or the cheese shop run by these two cliches, this is nobody's original dream. 

Nor is the question "am I really supposed to buy the frozen plastic smiles you idiots are giving us as you pretend to be happy with what life ultimately handed you?"  Because I know the answer to that question:  It's supposed to be "yes," I'm supposed to be happy that there's a stupid little business selling a stupid little product to stupid little people and that yet another Idiot With a Dream can call himself a Boss for at least a little while longer because a credit card improves his ability to separate those stupid little people from their stupid little money at your stupid little vanity project. 

Nor is the question "am I really supposed to think better of Capital One because they finance this nonsense?"  Because I know the answer to that question, too; it's supposed to be "yes," because of the American Dream or Small Business being the backbone of America or something like that.  Never mind that it's so very easy to imagine life without 99.9 percent of the Sacred Small Businesses out there.  And no, it's not a dystopia I'm imagining.  It's just a country with a few less junk trinkets, food and drink shops and a lot more people accepting reality and getting actual jobs. 

No, my question is "how do you get through every day without jumping off the nearest tall building?  Do you just not think about what your legacy is, Mr. and Mrs. Small Business Owner?  Did the fact that you clearly died years ago  and are just going through the motions with Whatever The Hell This Is really help that much?"  Because, man...a specialty cheese store.  I bet your ancestors went through so much crap to get you to this country, too.  For this.  Stay away from skyscrapers.


  1. Most of these people buy into the long con Horatio Alger visited upon us.

    1. equal parts that and "I'm too good be an employee, I must be a boss," which is the philosophy which drives so many shmucks into MLMs.