Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Atomic Beam SunBlast Security Light: More As Seen on TV Awesomeness!

You wouldn't think it would be possible for a commercial which features a man falling over his own trash cans and another man being killed by an outlet in the first eight seconds to be able to top such an awesome opening, but I think this commercial for SunNuclearBlastAmazingLight or whatever it is does just that.

Ah ok, it's actually called AtomicBeam.  I was pretty close.

Anyway, this is NOT just another "stick it anywhere" light like the kind we've seen advertised on tv for at least thirty years.  Nor is it yet another Only Available on TV item sold by a guy wearing a very generic sorta military outfit standing in front of a green screen featuring a very masculine looking Air Force jet for Reasons.  This sucker is SOLAR POWERED, and may I say that I'm so happy we've finally entered an era where a manly man in military gear pretending to stand in front of a genuine KillJet 440* can endorse something that does not derive its energy from fossil fuels.  Little victories!

For us nostalgia geeks, there's plenty of room for our old favorites, though- this light features "Industrial Adhesive" which allow it to stay on "almost any surface" and "Atomic Solar Panels" which charge the "Lithium Ion Battery" (if you're over 50, that might still sound impressive.)  Oh, and did I mention the "State of the Art" sensor which detects when you- or a pet, or a leaf, or a gust of wind- is nearby but probably turns off every once in a great while all the way up to the day six to eight weeks after you purchase it when it turns off permanently?  And I'm only thirty seconds in to this two minutes of Awesome!

We get to see a bunch of reasons why you NEED this light- like, despite having a substantial suburban mansion, you never got around to installing actual security lights to keep you from falling over your own garbage cans.  Plus this thing will blind those adorable white-gloved cat burglars who would like to get at your other As Seen On TV stuff. 

The LED panels "can last a lifetime without burning out."  They Can.  WILL they?  Um, kind of doubt it.  I mean, that kind of depends on how old the people who are buying it are.  I'm guessing that the average age of customers for the AtomicBeam Security Light is around 75.  So yeah, maybe.

Hey, there's Not Really Airman Whoever pretending to stand in front of that jet again.  1:17 in.  I can do this!

Ah, we're at the price- it's $19.99.  And if you jumped to the phone and started dialing as soon as you heard that price, you don't watch a lot of tv, do you?  OF COURSE you can get a SECOND ONE FREE plus the ATOMIC FLASHLIGHT FREE and OMIGOD WILL THE LITTLE LADY LOVE THIS just LOOK how THRILLED she is when you save her from the scary dark!  And you don't even have to worry if you accidentally encase it in fifty pounds of ice or cement (you know how that happens.)  Just pay a separate fee (kind of like whenever you buy anything in addition to what you were already buying.  I wonder why other companies never pull this bit- "you can get a hamburger, or a hamburger and a Coke, just pay a separate fee!") 

Ah, it turns out that this hilarity was only 1:45 long, the last 16 seconds is just the Director's Cut featuring the Best Scenes of the Commercial.  Again, for nostalgia purposes, probably.

*Not really a jet.

**I can't tell you how many times I've needed a flashlight and discovered that it's been frozen in a 50-lb block of ice, only to find that the flashlight no longer works after I rescue it using a sledgehammer.  And it's even worse when its in hardened cement, not ice.  That baby is GONE! 


  1. Whenever I see ads like this, I find myself humming "Mr Popeil" because they might change what the cheap crap no one needs is but they still sell it. People might not want to shine pennies or Krazy-Glue their heads to the bottom of a big steel girder but they still wanna buy shiny trash.

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