Jeep Presents: The Last Desperate Gasp of a Dying Brand

 

The ad tells us that the Jeep Grand Cherokee is an "ultra luxurious and capable SUV."  Let's break down that nonsense, shall we?

It's a Jeep which is an SUV.  I hardly know where to start with this one.  Remember when the Jeep was a unique vehicle for people who wanted to ape the experience of being in the military without all the shooting?  People who wanted a vehicle to crash through forests and shallow ponds and drive up sand dunes in?  Well, you don't do that crap with an SUV.  (You don't do it with a Jeep these days, either, unless you want it to break in half the first time it hits a stump.  Do I really have to remind you that this is a Stellantis product?)

It's a Grand Cherokee, which means that the Company formerly Recognized as Jeep might be willing to sell out pretty much everything that made it's brand unique but it's drawing the line at surrendering cultural appropriation. 

It's Ultra Luxurious, which means it's got comfy heated seats and lots of expensive screens and Bluetooth and all that other stuff nobody in their right mind could imagine being in a Jeep thirty years ago when Jeeps were still cool-looking and fun to imagine owning.  Gotta justify that $72000 price tag, I guess, and buzzphrases like "Ultra Luxurious" sure helps.  Pretty sure that those Jeeps in Korea and Vietnam weren't anything close to "Luxurious," but then again they weren't SUVs either, so....

It's "capable."  This is damning with faint praise and just meaningless.  Capable of what, exactly?  Hitting 10,000 miles on the odometer without needing serious, expensive shop maintenance?  I kind of doubt it.  Again, this is Stellantis, Latin for Crap.  Capable of getting from Point A to Point B on most occasions?  Sure, why not.  But you can get that in an SUV (and the bottom line is, this is an SUV, not a Jeep) for one-third the price of this nonsense and best of all, you can get it in a product that has the Toyota or Honda emblem on it which means it will actually last and cost a minimal amount to maintain. 

I won't miss Jeep, because it's already a dead brand.  Whatever this is, it sure as hell isn't a Jeep.  Just another UpperMiddleClassFamilymobile pretending to be something cooler.  Available for only 84 easy payments of $857 plus tax.  Hard pass.