I can't believe it's taken me almost 16 years to do this. Oh right, I forgot- I have an actual job and a life (so to speak) and this blog brings me virtually no money so it's nowhere approaching a priority. But anyway....
This is not going to be a countdown of my three worst commercials of 2025. Instead, it's going to be a countdown of my three worst commercial TROPES of 2025; specifically, characters in commercials I really would like to be spared of in 2026 because oh my god are they played out.
Let's start with Jennifer Garner, a washed-up actress with a net worth of approximately $80 million who spent the year trying to convince us that her access to fancy resorts with Olympic-sized pools and luxury spas, airport lounges with tall glasses of white wine and pretty friends, and hiking trips to exotic places is somehow more associated with her choice of credit card and not that NET WORTH OF APPROXIMATELY $80 MILLION. All with that same stupid frozen smile on the most self-satisfied face this side of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
In this particular ad Garner, as if to lampshade the fact that her commercials are a played-out stale joke, centers her appearance with another played-out stale joke. Paraphrases of "There's No Crying in Baseball" were beaten to death more than thirty years ago and nobody wants to see them come back; only "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" has more mold on it. Yes, we all remember the movie (or at least, we Boomers remember the movie, which let's also recall was a minor hit in 1992, five years before Ms. Garner's career got off the ground.) We also remember that the line you desperately grab for a laugh with was originally uttered by Tom Hanks, who you most certainly are NOT.
In the original film, the cause of the crying was a female player upset at making a bad play during a game. In this war crime of an ad, the cause is a female player upset that she does not have enough rewards points to pay for a flight, something I'm certain Garner can relate to (insert eyeroll emoji here.) As well as anyone watching the ad can relate to, including people like me who are actual Capital One cardholders yet mysteriously don't get free flights or spa vacations or access to comfy airport lounges or hiking trips in exotic places because WE AREN'T DISGUSTINGLY RICH WHICH IS ALL YOU NEED TO GET THAT STUFF, NOT A G-D D--M CREDIT CARD.
Congratulations, Ms. Garner, on nabbing the #3 spot in my very first countdown. If we aren't treated to your stupid frozen smile and glimpses of your ridiculously entitled life in 2026, we won't cry about it. Promise.
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