Friday, October 27, 2017

The Answer is Gold! What was the question again? Never mind, just buy gold!

This commercial is practically a parody of itself.  It's almost hysterically funny that anyone would take it seriously- hell, I'm impressed that the actors here manage to keep a straight face during filming.  I could probably go on for several pages on how utterly asinine and insanely dishonest this whole thing is, but I have a really long weekend of test writing ahead of me so I'd better just boil it down to a few observations:

1.  "The U.S. Money Reserve?"  What the hell?  That just SOUNDS stupid.  So this isn't the Mint, and it's not the Federal Reserve- it's the "U.S. Money Reserve?"  Why didn't they just go with "Here at the U.S. Dollars-keeping Place?" It doesn't sound any more stupid or obviously fake than "The U.S. Money Reserve."

2.  "Tens of millions of dollars are being shipped here every month."  So what's with the reporters and other "important guests" who have been "invited by Special Invitation?"  If this happens every month, what's so important about this moment exactly?  And if this is such an important, By Invitation Only moment, why the hell are you broadcasting it on USA Network in between reruns of Law and Order?

3.  Oh, I see.  "Tensions are high" because an "Emergency Gold Conference" has just been called by "the 35th U.S. Mint Director, Phillip N Diehl."  Let's note, first of all, that Mr. Diehl is standing outside the U.S. Mint, just like you or I or any number of tourists could stand to have their picture taken so that the words "U.S. Mint" can appear above our heads.  Secondly, let's remind ourselves that Mr. Diehl resigned as the U.S. Mint Director in March....of 2000.  More than 17 years ago.  He's not an official of the U.S.  Government.  He's just a private citizen picking up a quick paycheck shilling for a company which specializes in convincing stupid rubes to put their hard-earned money into shiny pieces of metal that are valueless unless someone is willing to give them back paper for them in the future.

4.  Oh, wait.  Mr. Diehl is here because "he's about to reveal his new Classified and Confidential Gold Report," which sure looks like a single sheet of paper made up of nothing but a title page.  " Um, what?  How can a sales pitch by a private individual be "classified?"  Sure, it could be "confidential," but it sounds like Mr. Diehl is about to share that "confidential" information with a crowd of reporters, VIPs there by invitation only, and the shut-ins watching Law and Order on the USA Network in the middle of a random afternoon. 

5.  My favorite two lines from Mr. Diehl during his "press conference"- in the event of a crisis, "gold could be the only money you could get your hands on if everything else were inaccessible."  Can't argue with that.  The secondl line refers to the threat of terrorists armed with automatic weapons and CGI nuclear missles:  "It could be just a matter of time before a major attack may happen on U.S. soil again, and the Dow could drop thousands of points just like it did in 2008."  Wait, what?  The United States suffered a major terrorist attack on September 11, 2001.  The Stock Market crash occured for totally unrelated reasons seven years later.  WTF?

Holy crap, I'm only 29 seconds into this thing and it's two minutes long- I can't spend any more time on this total bs, so I'll just wrap it up here- Mr. Diehl's "report" on the "25 reasons you should buy gold right now because bad things happen around the world so trust us pretty rocks are a great investment even better than burying your cash in coffee cans or purchasing time shares" is available exclusively to people capable of holding their phone with one hand and a credit card with the other for thirty seconds.  And stupid enough to buy in to this choreographed schlock pitched by a retired beaurocrat who is currently a member of organizations such as the Industry Council for Tangible Assets, The Coalition of Equitable Regulation and Taxation, and the Gold and Silver Political Action Committee.  No, I did not make any of those up. 

Fools, Money- I wish you both a happy parting.  I'm sure it won't be painful, as you probably didn't get a chance to know eachother very well anyway. 


  1. I love the idea that gold is supposed to be your hedge against an apocalypse.

    For all of the people who hoard gold and silver and tell you how much it appreciates in value, it apparently doesn't register that the increased value exists only after you swap the metal for the pieces of paper marked "legal tender."

    And as I've pointed out before, if the apocalypse happens, all the gold in the world won't help you. The only questions anyone will ask when it comes to bartering goods is can you wear it, eat it, sleep under it, or have sex with it. If the answer is no, no one's going to want it because no one will have a use for it.

    1. Besides, most of these gold brokers require that customers "deposit" their gold WITH the broker and pay "storage charges"- so the customers don't have physical control of "their" gold. So if civilization collapses, how do the "owners" of this gold get their hands on it? Do they really think that the brokers are just going to send suddenly-priceless gold through the freaking mail after the stock market tumbles and the government falls? Using what delivery service? If (when) the brokers fail to send the gold, how do the customers force them to? Using the no-longer-existent court system? I mean, what the hell?