Saturday, October 21, 2017

Why Amazon Go is, in fact, the Mark of the Beast

No, I am not being hyperbolic here.  I hate hyperbole.  I've said many times that I view hyperbolic people as worse than Stalin.  But in fact when preparing to post on this particular ad I considered these alternative titles:

Because you need to justify spending hundreds of dollars a year on "updated" SmartPhones

Because we can't stop "improving" technology until everyone on Earth has lost their job- which will in turn solve all the other problems related to shopping, won't it?

Because you want to limit your social interaction as much as possible but aren't quite ready- or organized enough- to do all your shopping online yet.

Because you need another way to set yourself apart from the Lower Classes who still use stores staffed by actual people.

And settled on something which came close to "this is the end of civilization."  It's over.  You've already lost your ability to speak to people face to face or even over the phone, and must now express yourself using emojis and #HitAndRunAlmostSentences.  You already can't walk and chew gum at the same time without getting Google to explain to you, in step by step instrutions downloaded to that phone, exactly how to go about doing that.  Five minutes after chip technology replaced Swiping (which replaced those carbon-paper receipt machines five minutes before that, and which replaced cash and checks five minutes before that) you're ready to be convinced that holding your phone over a scanner for three seconds is So Very Yesterday and An Enormous Time-Wasting Hassle Surely We Can Make Things Go Faster Oh Yay Amazon Go!

Civilization.  It was fun while it lasted.  Remember people?  In the end, I guess we decided that their negatives outweighed their positives, so they just aren't part of our lives anymore.  Whatever.  It's a beautiful, sunny autumn day, so it's time to check out Netflix.


  1. Just for the record, I'm huge on exploiting the "art" of hyperbole myself.
    It's often a good tool for expressing any intense emotion or reaction in as few words as possible.

  2. I'm waiting for these Amazon Go stores to become very common, yet not be selling every single thing a person could possibly need as yet, so that some person who still occasionally walks into "old-fashioned" stores where you have to pay for what you take away by using cash or swiping a card messes up and accidentally walks out of one of those stores without remembering to pay first, and gets arrested for shoplifting, and their defense is "It was an honest mistake! I just forgot I wasn't at Amazon Go!"

    It'll also be fun to see kids trying to keep the two kinds of stores straight.

    Of course, eventually I guess all stores will be "go" stores, so it won't matter, and lots of people will be out of work. Well, if you believe some stuff I read, none of us will have jobs anymore in 50 years, the robots will be that good. I hope by then I'll have earned enough to retire. I'll be over 100 years old, but what the hey.

  3. Let's see what happens the first time you realize you can't do your grocery shopping because you left your phone at home or the battery is dead or the App isn't functioning properly.

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