Friday, June 27, 2014
To the Dad in this booking.com commercial
1. One son is still a pale stupid fat doofus who is way, way too old to be "losing his shoes" on the plane. Seriously- the next time your mom suggests that you take care of that paint chip issue before your wife gives birth, listen to her.
2. Another son "didn't get to the air sickness bag on time?" That means he made the flight a real joy for your fellow passengers, too. For them I say "thanks, asshole. Next time, invest three bucks in a bottle of Dramamine, even if that WOULD constitute thinking about other people for once."
3. Your daughter is still a vapid, sneering, ungrateful twerp who isn't going to suddenly be glad to be on a family trip because the hotel room is nice. In three minutes she'll find out if the WiFi is working . If it's not, it won't matter how nice the view is or how many couches there are, she's going to make the rest of the week a living hell.
4. Your wife is looking at you like "wow, you finally did something right. Only took 16 years, asshole."
5. You are an ugly doofus who should never have been permitted to pass his genes on to the next generation. I need to talk to your kids because at some point, this damage should be called to a halt.
6. In the end, your awful ugly family is now just an awful ugly family in a nice hotel room. Everyone else just hopes you all like the room so much that you just stay there until it's time to catch a cab to the airport. Glue your son's shoes to his feet and an air sickness bag to his chin. If you are visiting Aruba, see if anyone in the hotel bar is interested in taking Daughter off your hands. Because even I'm not mean enough to want you to go right back to the way things were when the vacation is over.