Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Borg has Nothing on Verizon

Ok, I watched this commercial three times.  After the third attempt, I think I know what is going on here:

A family was taking a walk in the park, enjoying the great outdoors and each other, maybe carrying out some light conversation, taking a break from the schedules and plans and meetings and friends and all the other things that tend to crowd out family time and make relatives strangers and life itself fly by way too fast.

However, they were spotted by Evil Verizon Satellite 231-A, hovering 300 miles above them in a fixed orbit, constantly on the lookout for un- Assimilated Humanoid Lifeforms Suspiciously Unequipped with Verizon's Latest Technology.  The Artificial Intelligence operating the satellite from an Undisclosed Location quickly determined that this family was having a dangerous amount of fun engaging in Inappropriate Non-Verizon Approved activities.  Somewhere an alarm went off, and a light began to blink Red.

The satellite sent a laser show featuring a 3-D commercial for all of the Amazing Connectable Products Available Through Verizon Thanks to Verizon's Latest Say Nothing, Share Everything, Stop Talking, Become a Zombie Plan.  The best part is that all this "shareable data" can be accessed with Tablets, Smart Phones-- all that stuff the family must have forgotten about while engaged in such a ridiculous display of (giggle, condescend) face-to-face contact.  Oh, and you can ADD a tablet for only $10 a month- just in case the ten "connectable, sharable" products aren't enough for your family (and seriously, what are the odds they would be?)

Anyway, this family is quickly absorbed into the Verizon Hive Mind, dazzled by the floating electronics and left wondering what they ever saw in all that face-to-face shit.   As they spend the rest of the day texting, taking "sharable" photos and downloading every movie they've ever seen or heard of, and checking Facebook several hundred times, I wonder if they'll even remember that hour they wasted at that stupid park with those stupid people- seriously, what the hell was THAT all about?

I'm pretty sure that's the message of this commercial.  But again, I only watched it three times.  Anyone have a different take?


  1. I've decided to stop bothering you and make my own blog to rant on commercials(I didn't know it was free) If you want, you can follow it and see if I got any you missed.

  2. "Remembering when to breathe.....there's an app for that!!"