Sunday, March 24, 2013

These Questions, like this date, sponsored by Bud Lite

Here We Go (sorry:)

1.  Why are these people speaking in subdued tones, even though it's clear they are in a fairly busy restaurant-tavern?  Seriously, this woman sounds like she's OD'ing on Valium.  If she's this bored THIS early in the date, Mr. "and that's why I can never go back to Cleveland" should just bail right now.

2.  Why is their chosen First Topic Of Conversation (that the date has just gotten started is pretty obvious) a discussion of their online profiles?  I mean, after the "gee, usually people look good online and then it's like Dog City when you meet them in real life, but I can actually see tolerating your face for two straight hours," what else is there?

3.  When the girl says "those are my friends over there- they came along just in case this became a train wreck," don't you really want one of two things to happen?--

A)  The guy says "what exactly would a "train wreck" of a date look like?  You mean, if I don't keep you constantly entertained with witticisms, or order the wrong food, or suggest that we go Dutch Treat, or what?"

B)  The guy says "I see....hey, the brunette looks really cute.  She's your friend?  Could you introduce us?"

4.  When the guy says "actually, those are MY friends over there, trying to hit on YOUR friends," don't you want one of two things to happen?--

A)  The girl says "Ugh, really?  You brought your friends along to spy on our date?  So they have absolutely no lives, huh?  And do they have girlfriends they are attempting to cheat on, or are they as socially isolated and pathetic as you are?"

B)  The girl says "Ugh, really?  You are so insecure you had to have your boyfriends come along on a date with you? What's the matter, your mom wasn't available?"

5.  Can we all agree that these two belong together, and we really hope they die before they have a chance to breed, the moment they decide to start the date by bleating Bud Lite's lame, played, and NEVER POPULAR tag line?  I mean, what does "Here We Go" even mean in this context other than "Here We Go, start the clock, strap in, and let's begin ninety minutes of uncomfortable muttering and pregnant pauses.  After all, we've already run out of things to say, considering that we launched the evening with awkward small talk concerning our online profiles and weird friends."


  1. I assume that by "train-wreck", she means "In case you get grabby, rapey and don't take NO for an answer". That's common enough. No clue what the guys are there for, though.

    1. I just don't get how he's going to get "grabby, rapey and don't take NO for an answer" in the restaurant. Does she intend to let this guy take her home on the first date? If so, are her friends going to follow her there? I took "in case this is a train wreck" to mean "in case I decided I couldn't deal even with eating a meal with you, and wanted to bail before the check arrived, my girlfriends came along as a back-up date and we could catch a movie or something, or get another table and talk about what a waste of an hour of my life you were."

  2. This date started toward train wreck territory when he decided to toast her looking like her profile photo (which implies he thought she was less attractive than advertised and felt she had to resort to lying and deception to get a date) and locked it in as a destination when he toasted her not having a mustache. Thanks for letting me know you're the brew of choice for tactless idiots, Bud Light. I'll make sure to avoid men drinking your product in the future.