Friday, March 29, 2013

More Fun with Fios

Hey Parents, Listen Up!

What do you think you get if you give your preteen boy his own computer, lightning-fast internet speed, and all the privacy he wants?

If you said "a socially retarded, maladjusted kid addicted to porn and Facebook who has absolutely no friends outside of chat rooms," you'd be wrong!

If you said "a pasty-faced, overweight, vitamin-D deficient emotional wreck obsessed with Gaming whose closest acquaintances are 45-year old men posing as 13-year old girls," you'd be wrong again!

If you said "a hollowed-out, angry shell of a child who never, ever does homework and who stumbles downstairs for Doritos and Red Bull every 16 hours displaying massive black bags under his eyes while snarling monosyllable non-responses to your polite attempts to start conversations with things like 'so, how's that science project going?' " you are really batting .000, people!

But if you said "a budding genius whose ability to access all the best educational sites in the world with the click of a mouse leads him to win Science Fairs and to magically transform into a Straight-A student who is the envy of all the other parents in the community- nay, the STATE, especially after making a trademark-infringing yet fully functioning Iron Man suit"- you'd be spot on, congratulations for buying in----errr, I mean, INVESTING in your child by investing in Fios!

Oh and btw, as long as you are here anyway- what would you say if I told you to go see Iron Man 3?

If you said "why the hell would I do that, considering that Iron Man 2 was such a steaming pile of donkey dung?" you are back to being wrong!

But if you said "Of course I'll go see Iron Man 3, I SO want to see the further adventures of Robert Downey Jr. when he's starring in that other franchise which does not include Jude Law!  I can't WAIT to see what he does next, especially after that awesome Avengers movie last year with all those amazingly interesting characters like Thor and Loki and Captain America and the Hulk and Nick Fury" you are right again!  Glad I could help!

Now go out there and sign up for Fios!  Your kids will thank you, if they ever get around to it.  Until then- leave them alone with their personal computers and internet access.  It's the only way they'll grow.


  1. Thor's pathetic, I saw his movie.

    I finally got one vote each on the polls over at Zenith Edition, was that you?

  2. Hmmmm. About when DID "At least it keeps him off the streets" stop being a positive thing?

  3. All I could think was, 'All the equipment he'd need to build that would totally crash through the floor'. That's not including the weight of the suit itself. A teenager did build a nuclear reactor in a toolshed, though, so is it really so unbelievable a young teen could build a robotic suit?

  4. I also could have pointed out that this kid waits till he comes downstairs to put his suit on, so he can crash through a ceiling AND a roof on his way to the science fair, I guess. Plus, his parents don't seem to be all that interested in going to the science fair. It's just an odd commercial, especially to people like me who HAVE Fios and aren't especially impressed with the internet speed (better than Comcast, though.)