Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Or maybe it has something to do with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, moron

Dear Fat, Stupid Patriots Fan:

I wonder- for how many years have you let Ramsey ruin your football-watching experience because you've decided that New England's decade-plus of regular success was somehow cosmically connected to his pathetic, juvenile rants?

I mean, he comes over and spends three hours spitting at your screen, throwing snacks all over your living room, and basically just behaving like a psychotic dick with no regard for any other human being because neither you nor anyone else has the spine to tell him to shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, or get the fuck out?  And this is because you think he somehow influences the outcome of a football game?  Really?

Oh, and he brings Bud Lite?  First of all, that's not a plus.  Second, if you really love Bud Lite that much, it's not the most expensive beer on the market, and buying your own while locking the door on this moron sounds like a pretty damned good investment to me.  Third, seriously- Bud Lite?

I'll just finish what I hope is a very helpful letter with just a few additional points.  If Ramsey is a regular at your house, wasn't he there when the Patriots coughed up that playoff game to the Ravens last year?  How about those two times they faded late in the Superbowl against the Giants?  If the Pats "always win" when Ramsey is there, that means he's been there exactly twice in a row.  And this is "magical" to you somehow?

One more thing.  The Patriots are perhaps the worst 2-0 team in football right now.  They've played two crappy teams and were lucky to win both games.  I suspect that the Amazing Ramsey Effect is going to fail very, very soon.  I hope you take that opportunity to divorce yourself of your sad delusion and give Ramsey a swift kick in the ass as he exits your house for good.  Because he really is a douchenozzle.  This Patriots fan wouldn't have him in his house for five minutes, let alone three freaking hours every week, because I've kind of figured out that the Patriots have been very good at winning regular season games for going on a dozen years now, Ramsey or no Ramsey.