Straight Talk for the Awful People in this Commercial

 

You guys are so damn enamored of your stupid electronic devices that your kids are totally free-range.  In every scene, the kids are jumping around while their alleged "parents" are staring a phone, only getting attention when they seem to be on the verge of destroying another piece of conspicuous consumption.

Then, once the problem of untrained children jumping on furniture is "solved" with the purchase of a trampoline, the "parents" go right back to ignoring those kids- never mind that every single trampoline sold in the United States comes with a warning not to let children play on them without parental supervision.  The "parents" are close enough to notice a seriously hurt child and are holding a device that can connect with emergency services so it's all good, I guess.  I bet these wonderful people are even committed to glancing outside to "check" on the kids during moments the dopamine hits from the entertainment the phone is providing is interrupted.  

I don't understand this mindset at all.  Those children you chose to have are going to be children only for a moment.  This is the time to revitalize your own youth, and build permanent emotional bonds, by engaging with your offspring.  Instead, you choose to act like they are annoyances distracting you from the REAL joy of your life- a freaking phone.  Your priorities are absolutely insane.  Your kids are being denied real parents, and you are denying YOURSELVES the joy of experiencing your children's innocent youthful joy- for this?  

Don't come to me complaining that your kids grew up too fast or, now that they are out of the house, never visit.  You reap what you sow.  Turn the damn phone off.  Turn the damn tv off.  Engage with your kids.  Ok rant over. 

Lincoln's "Summer Invitation" to a very exclusive party

 

I suppose that if the salesmen at Lincoln are going to dress like Euro Trash and carry themselves with the air of high-end jewelry dealers, the customers should show up wearing clothes you'd think would be reserved for dinners at high-end restaurants, so ok.  And because it's 2025, there's no reason for the prospective customer to do anything other than sit in the car, lovingly stroke the steering wheel, and fantasize about actually owning it while appreciating the big screen and all the other bells and whistles that have nothing to do with safety ratings, fuel economy, or all that other stuff everyone used to be concerned with but now apparently nobody is. 

The Lincoln Aviator- so-called, I assume, because it's only slightly smaller than a passenger plane- has a base-model MSRP price of $62000.  The version featured in this ad runs closer to $70k.  So no, I am not going to be getting one of these Summer Invitations.  I'll manage.

...and then the Colonel died and it all went to hell anyway.

 

That should be the final line of this ridiculously maudlin, overproduced ad for ridiculously overpriced, overproduced dead chicken parts.

Kentucky Fried Chicken was the brainchild of a guy who had a vision/dream of making tons of money selling, well, fried chicken to the masses.  He worked very hard to get the spices just right and was "obsessed" (I guess, I mean I'm just using the tagline in this ad) with quality control because he was the face of the company after all.   When I was a kid and I was treated maybe once a year or so to Kentucky Fried Chicken, I thought it was the best food in the whole world and I imagined that when I was a grownup and could eat whatever I wanted I would consume it all the time.

Thing is, KFC's decline in quality in the 21st century is a very well-known, off-repeated story.  I haven't eaten it in at least twenty years, but from what I've heard the chicken is now blander (less fatty, less distinct in taste,) the sides are also dull, stores are notoriously lacking in cleanliness, and the overall value is really lacking.  Yet the prices are extremely high (Kentucky Fried Chicken was ALWAYS an expensive choice for fast food, but when it was known for being tasty that was ok) for smaller, drier pieces that look nothing like the ones seen on TV.  

Simply put, if all this guff about the Colonel is true, he'd probably be ashamed of what has become of his franchise.  Unless KFC is going to pump billions of dollars into restoring the company to it's former glory, these ads are kind of a slap in the face.  Who cares if Colonel Sanders was "obsessed" with quality?  The guy has been dead since 1980, and the people who have been carrying out his "mission" dropped the ball decades ago and don't seem any more interested in bringing my childhood back than anyone else.  Give me a break.

Subaru's Stupid "Dog Approved" Commercial....

 

...and the even worse people who enjoy it (I mean, take a quick look at the comments.  How predictable can you get?  "My dog loves this ad," "This commercial reminds me of my dog," "my dog reacts to this ad and goes to check her own puppies," and on and on and on.  Hand me a freaking barf bag.)

This is just super-cheap, super-manipulative Twee on a Stick.  No actors are needed, so that saves money.  Just put three dogs in a freaking car and run a camera for a few seconds and add music and images and there you are- a group of innocent, clueless animals have been used to sell a car-- by highlighting a ridiculously mundane feature.   You can strap your kid into a car seat in the back of a 2004 Honda Civic, strap an iPad to the back of the passenger seat, and accomplish the same thing.  You don't have to buy an overpriced Subaru for chrissakes.  

And if this car is "Dog Approved," dogs should feel free to buy it.  I mean, I was already sick of getting the opinions of babies and young children when it came to the purchase of a non-asset that depreciates in value the moment it leaves the lot and is a savage money vampire for as long as one owns it.  I do NOT care if "dogs approve" of Subarus because NO DOG HAS EVER PURCHASED A SUBARU AND NO DOG EVER WILL, and if I ever buy a Subaru NO DOG WILL EVER HELP ME MAKE THE PAYMENTS.  

Fabletics, Planet Fitness, and an Unwanted Birthday "present"

 

So this morning I got this email from Planet Fitness: In "honor" of my birthday, here's a chance to pick up an overpriced pair of shorts from Fabletics for $10 instead of the Normal, Perfectly Sane price of $75.  Remember, this is for a pair of shorts.

I can smell a scam from a mile away, but I go ahead and check out the "offer."  Yep, I can pick out a pair of $75 shorts for only $10- but wait, there doesn't seem to be any limit to how many pairs I can order at that price.  I put two random pairs into a virtual basket, check the total and- yep, it comes to $20 plus $6.95 shipping.  Wow, $150 "worth" of shorts for $26.95, that doesn't seem sketchy at all.

I really want to see where the catch is so I go ahead and go to Billing- and there it is, in fine print you could easily miss (though admittedly does include a box you must click) under Terms and Conditions- you know, that thing people usually just skip over and DON'T read.  Clicking the agreement signs you up to some kind of "club" that gives you "access" to regular 80 percent discounts on fitness swag.  Once I join up, I'll have regular opportunities to buy reasonably-priced shorts, shirts, etc. that looks like a huge bargain because of the inflated, I-Bet-Nobody-Actually-Buys-It-At-These-prices.  

The "membership" costs $59.95 a month.  No kidding.  Sixty bucks a month to have the opportunity to buy shorts and tees at a discount.  Oh, but you can "skip" as many months as you want, as long as you go to the website, find the "skip" option, and click it before the 5th day of the month.  Every month.  Which means that there are a LOT of people out there who regularly forget to skip months and find themselves spending sixty bucks accidentally, no doubt encouraging them to go ahead and buy something at a discount so that it's not a total loss.  

Yeah, hard pass, Planet Fitness.  I don't care if you've partnered with Fabletics; my idea of a "birthday gift" is not to get locked into some ridiculous Buyer's Club.  I have enough shorts, I have enough tees, but I don't have enough money to throw it away on this nonsense.  I do have enough sense to read the fine print, though.  Sorry not Sorry.

Golden Nugget and the "Ultimate Casino Experience" Celebration of Addiction

 

When you buy into the idea that the "Ultimate Casino Experience" involves staring at your phone in the dark as you play virtual video games and bet on sports, you have a very serious problem and you need professional help.

I thought the "Ultimate Casino Experience" might involve flying to Vegas, getting a room at a 4-star hotel, and having fun playing some blackjack and taking in a show.  I didn't know it looked a lot like being a dateless addicted loser as obsessed with staring at your phone as any preteen at the mall, at the park, or....well, anywhere, actually.

Showing a bunch of people crowded around the phone or tablet doesn't convince me that online gambling is a social exercise, sorry.  Gambling is a life-ruining addiction more pervasive in 2025 than meth or crack and if it hasn't overtaken alcohol it probably soon will considering how every sporting event is working overtime to get us hooked.  I can't remember the last time I saw a baseball, football or basketball schedule that did not include betting lines, or the last time I watched a pregame or postgame show that was not sponsored by an online gambling company.  I don't think it was more than a decade ago, but it feels like forever. 

Earnin a trip to the poorhouse

 

Remember those old H&R Block Commercials for what were deceptively referred to as "Rapid Refunds?"  You know, where the tax preparer would give you a loan based on your expected tax return and you'd walk out of the office convinced that you'd made a good deal because you "got your money early?  Because you're an idiot who didn't realize that you'd just handed over part of your refund to the tax preparer along with his fee?

Notice all those places offering Payday Loans?  You know, where poor people go to borrow money at outrageous interest rates in order to tide them over until payday, pretty much assuring that they'll stay in debt permanently?  It's basically my Exhibit A for every "it's expensive to be poor" lecture I give.  

Well, it's the 21st century so now we've got Earnin, an app that seems to allow you to access your money as you earn it but which actually just fronts you money in exchange for a small fee tip.  Because budgeting and living within your means and not spending money as it comes in is such a Boomer thing to do.  

What you're not supposed to notice is that you are paying for the "convenience" of having money ahead of payday.  This is absolutely NO different from Rapid Refunds or Payday Loans.  It's just wrapped in an attractive package promising "freedom" and conning you into thinking you're just getting YOUR money as YOU earn it.  It's the opposite of Responsible and the epitome of Stupid.  Which is why it's so popular in this Very Stupid Country. 

By the way, I don't think that these "services" are "preying" on anybody.  Using them is a choice, and I'm not paternalistic enough to think that people should be shielded from making stupid choices.  I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my money, so I have no desire to tell people what to do with theirs.  I just don't want to hear the inevitable whining when this all comes crashing down.  Made, Bed, Lie and all that.  I mean, I AM a Boomer, after all.