Sunday, September 13, 2009

Surviving the tough economy, the Verizon Way

Here's more evidence that Verizon is convinced it has a winner with their Idiot Parent v. Smart-ass Kid theme, but is willing to tweak it a bit to give Dad the chance to be the heavy now and then. In the series of "funny" commercials which started last year, we had harassed mom begging her dipshit son to use "old minutes" instead of just throwing or giving them away. Dipshit son would always respond with what can be fairly be translated into "yeah mom, blah blah blah, I don't give a fuck about saving money because it's not my money, and I'm gonna keep wasting minutes because there are no real consequences for doing so. So bite me." I think I've posted at least twice on those commercials, and I appreciate the material, Verizon. I really do.

In this new commercial, balding dad, who is developing just enough of a paunch to let you know that he's officially Middle Aged Man (see SNL's archives if you don't get the reference) announces to his family that it's time to start getting serious about saving money. The guy drops off his kid two miles from school because "we need to save gas," for instance. Later, he makes the family eat in the dark to save electricity. Ok, so he's being a real ass, and we are supposed to sympathize with his family at this point. We know that there are intelligent ways to save money, and they don't include what this weird idiot is doing.

Then he announces that he's switching everyone to the Verizon Family Plan, because it gives you unlimited messaging (thank God, because who could live without THAT?) for each member for only $9.99 a month. Kind of an odd message here- Dad is an idiot in all the other ways to save money, but this move is brilliant? Or is switching to Verizon just as stupid as not driving your kids to school or refusing to use the lights during dinner?

Cue Smart-Ass Punk Kid: "I'll believe it when I see it."

Um, pardon me? Listen, you loathsome little prick, here's a better idea: Hand over your phone. It's going into the charity bin. You can have a phone You Can Believe In when you get a god damned job and pay for it yourself. Seriously. "I'll believe it when I see it?" I can't imagine saying something like that to my Dad while he's explaining to me why he's switching cell phone service. Of course, we can't imagine that this kid actually ever thanked his Dad for providing the phone in the first place, can we? Nope- but this kid is convinced that the new plan won't provide him with all the "vital" bells and whistles offered by the old one- which I'm sure not only included unlimited texting and yakking and twittering, but also downloadable games, music, and all the other things that a kid his age simply MUST have in a cell phone.

Because I guess in Verizon's world view, gas and electricity are luxuries, but cell phones for everyone in your family are absolute necessities. Maybe in future commercials, we'll see this family fishing old bagels out of the garbage in back of Dunkin Donuts and shopping for Christmas presents at the dollar store. But it will be all good, because at least they still have their phones!


  1. With any luck at all, the rumors about how the damned things are going to give the little shit a brain tumor are true; that way, the turd can tweet himself into the grave and relieve the world of his noxious presence.

  2. That would suit me fine. Ok, I'm evil. But I can live with that ;>).

  3. How about surviving the economy by having to make the awful choice between Direct TV or Dish Network? Check out Pointless Planet: