Saturday, June 10, 2017

Let's just be honest about this Verizon Commercial, shall we?

There is absolutely no reason for the fat doofus who is supposed to be live-streaming this couple's ridiculous pretentious rooftop wedding*  to admit that he's lost connectivity.  He should just continue to hold his phone up and pretend to live stream the obnoxiously showy thing for the benefit of the laughably clueless couple who actually think anyone would be watching anyway, because....

Nobody is watching anyway.  The people who said "oh I'm sorry, I can't be there to share your amazingly happy day oh how wonderful if you can live stream it" are off doing something else, living their lives, secretly thrilled to death that thanks to the miracle of live streaming they now have an excuse to avoid going places they don't want to go- like the roof of this building to watch you two pretend to be fricking royalty or something- because Hey, We Can Be There In Spirit By Watching the Live Stream....

So if the fat doofus just pretends to live stream this mess, the Happy Couple will never know.  Because NOBODY is EVER going to say "hey, I tried to watch but the live stream didn't work" unless they also add "MY phone screwed up, sorry."  NOBODY is EVER going to realize that fat doofus didn't live stream the stupid wedding because NOBODY IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO WATCH THIS WEDDING ON THEIR PHONES. 

Now enjoy the rest of the ceremony, you self-important twats.  And keep living in your fantasy world where the no-shows or non-invitees give a flying damn.  Next time do what people with a tiny amount of foresight and something more than sawdust for brains do- hire a photographer with a video camera and a tripod (the only thing I want to watch less than a marriage ceremony is a marriage ceremony captured by a cell phone held with one hand by a guy in the front row) and then put the whole damn thing on Facebook.  Where nobody will watch it.

*unless you are Reed Richards marrying Sue Storm, there is no way you can justify a rooftop wedding.  Reed can do it because he's marrying Jessica Alba.  You aren't marrying Jessica Alba.  So don't even try the rooftop wedding.


  1. One can safely swap out "someone else's child's recital and/or graduation" for "Rooftop Settlepocalypse" when discussing boring non-events no one is going to watch.

    1. Absolutely. As I said, these idiots could just SAY they livestreamed the wedding and all their non-attendee friends would claim they watched it and it was lovely, and there would just be an unspoken understanding- "you didn't give a damn about our boring-as-death wedding, we can be friends anyway, so this shared deceit is fine with all involved."

  2. Advertisers view regular guys as worthy of humiliating as incompetent, ignorant, juvenile twits who need a woman in order to function at the most basic level. It apparent that effeminate, intentionally unshaven, nerdy obsessive-compulsive pseudo-hipsters are just fine, though. Totally worn out from watching Dougie Hauser pimp Heinken; from watching the dude from Big Bang pimp Intel; watching a guy in a too-tight and too-small suit pimping Hilton; and from this Verizon quasi-male pimping phone plans. Please, God, make them stop!