1. How empty and sad are the lives of these people if they are so excited to witness the absorption qualities of a paper towel?
2. If Bounty is so effective that you can use just a little for small skills, why are they keeping an unopened roll right next to the opened roll on the kitchen counter? Shouldn't that be put away for when it's needed- like, weeks from now?
1. Collude with politicians to reduce penalties for falsifying earnings reports.
2. Also collude with politicians to socialize any losses because Oil Drums are a Vital Part of the Nation's EconomyTM.
3. Bribe media personalities to hype your product and inflate the demand for your stock further, naturally increasing the cost of the stock while doing nothing to increase the value of the company.
4. Pay yourself in stock to avoid income tax.
5. Hire lobbyists to ensure that the Estate Tax stays low so you can hand your business off to your heirs while contributing as little as possible to the infrastructure that makes it possible. (Notice we don't see any actual workers being portrayed here? Where are these drums coming from?)
6. If you don't want to invest in making a "better product," just use your financial leverage to undercut competitors with rock-bottom prices until they are out of business, and then gobble them up.
1. I agree with one commentator who suggests that this commercial is so vapid and vanilla that it could very well be a piece of Deep Fake which includes no actual actors and was 100 percent generated by AI.
2. I agree with another commentator who suggests that this commercial perfectly encapsulates the mindset of the current generation- devoid of originality, incapable of coming up with any ideas on their own, relying on a mindless, soulless Artificial Intelligence Entity to create ideas for a road trip with just you and your....sister? What the hell....
3. Who on Earth goes on a road trip with their sister? What the hell is going on here? I have my own theory...
4. You don't get suggestions on Good Places to Bury the Body unless you upgrade to the $19.99 per month version.
Cat Head, the Bringer of Death to Online Binge Shopping
(A real gravestone in a real cemetery and totally not generated by ChatGBT.)
Luddites Rejoice!
The Cat Head Permanently Available for a Limited Time at half-price ($39.99 compared to the Regular Even Though You Never Saw This Before Because It Didn't Exist Last Month $79.99) may not actually bring Good Luck to your Home, but it may just be the harbinger of the Never-to-be-Mourned Death of Online Shopping and the return to good old fashioned, shoe-leather-expending mall hikes. As a Boomer who fondly remembers annual trips to FAO Schwartz, Toys R Us, The Sharper Image etc. in search of That Perfect Gift in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the appearance of this AI-generated nonsense doesn't represent a piece of Dollar-Star Quality garbage being vomited out of a factory in Chongqing, it represents a Renaissance of in-person, Seeing Is Believing when it also comes with Holding and Weighing shopping.
I for one would like to thank the creators of this scam- and the creators of the Crystal Bookcase Coffee Mug scam, and the creators of the Realistic Easter Bunny Robot that Responds to Commands Scam, and basically the creators of every Artificial Intelligence Scam for their contributors to Making Capitalism Communal Again. Dare I go a step further and dream of a time when nobody believes ANYTHING they see online and insist on doing everything in person?
While we're waiting for the completion of the Death Certificate, I'd like to point you to my new Merch Store. It's the only place you can buy this beautiful hand-crafted headstone celebrating the death of the QR code, currently half-price ($39.99, normally $79.99.) It will bring good luck to your, um, cemetery, or something.
Is it just me? Am I the only one out there who thinks that maybe the time to shut off your brain and get carried away into a little fantasy where you're conducting an orchestra is NOT while you're cruising down the road at high speed in a heavy plastic, metal and chrome vehicle with two little kids who are kind of counting on you in the back seat?
What exactly is the purpose of "hands-free" driving anyway? What are you supposed to be doing with your hands other than keeping them on the wheel while for every second the car is in movement you are putting lives, including your own, in danger? I know we decided years ago that the awesome responsibility of moving that Point A to Point B-mobile was not so large that it couldn't be augmented with music, Bluetooth, texting, etc. but the last time I checked one state after another was passing laws requiring that if we were going to be drive distracted we must at LEAST accept that our hands should be on the wheel. So that's over now?
I guess this just makes sense in a world where people regularly send and read texts from their phones while hurling themselves in their deadly four-wheeled missiles down highways or slowly rolling through suburban streets surrounded by little children who ought to be indoors if they don't want to be at risk of being killed by Busy Busy Perpetually Connected Adults in Cars. I'm still a little astonished that I woke up one day and found myself on a planet where an ad encourages people to daydream - with their hands off the wheel- even if they've got little children who've involuntarily placed their lives in their hands sitting innocently in the back. As the cool kids text, just SMH.
Seriously, what the hell? When did we adults wake up and decide that dressing ourselves was impossibly complicated, we need help, and we're willing to pay for it? People in my generation remember snarking on Garanimals because that line featured matching animal labels which made it easier for harassed, exhausted parents to figure out what tops went with what bottoms. Ok, it's kind of stupid and juvenile but as it turns out people who used the little animal hints were freaking Daniel Boone carving out villages in the wilderness compared to today's bunch which apparently can't leave the house because- yes, I guess it's true- we don't know how to dress at all anymore.
Never mind "First World Problems." This is next-level, people. We need to be able to project pants and shirts onto our bodies before we purchase them- and, no doubt, get some AI to assure us that we won't be laughed at when we leave the house wearing our purchases. Because thirty years of the internet and twenty years of iPhones and online shopping have left our ability to navigate through everyday life in the gutter.
We don't cook anymore- there's fast food and FACTOR and DoorDash for that. We don't drive anymore- the cars basically do that themselves, and this is JUST as I got used to using Maps and Garmin for directions. We don't read anymore- why read, when you can Watch? Choosing an outfit to wear in public five days a week (pajamas are fine Saturdays, Sundays and for plane trips) was just the next little job for Something Else to Do For Us.
Because it just isn't the holidays unless at least one person at the gathering is obsessively gambling on sporting events while keeping his phone half-hidden under the table. And you certainly aren't a gambling addict unless you view every moment of the day in terms of odds and margins.
Like pretty much all ads for FanDuel, SportsKings, and the other Celebration of Economically Crippling, Family Destroying Addiction, this one is played for laughs while being pretty much the opposite of Funny. Seriously, if someone in your family is distracted by a gambling app during a holiday meal, maybe you should get together with the others and plan an Intervention. Before he comes to you to ask for a short-term loan or a couch to sleep on or a cosigner on an apartment rental because Dallas didn't cover in the Thanksgiving afternoon game against Detroit.
"Happy Holidays?" Might as well show this guy slipping into the closet to take a swig of rum from the flask hidden in his pocket or stepping into the cold for a quick smoke. When will television get it- ADDICTION ISN'T FUNNY and GAMBLING DOESN'T ADD VALUE TO SPORTS? The answer is: a few thousand broken homes and any point-shaving scandal now, we promise.
