T-Mobile's "free" iPhone offer- what they "forgot" to tell you

 

Seems simple enough- just switch from your current carrier to T-Mobile and the people at T-Mobile will be so thrilled to get your $50 a month that they'll GIVE you a thousand-dollar iPhone ("on us," as they put it.)  What's not to like?  Better take advantage of the deal before T-Mobile wakes up and realizes that they are paying a very high price just to add a new customer and it will literally take YEARS for them to break even on the deal, if you even stay with them that long....

Oh, wait.  The phone is a basic 17, and you can get UP TO $830 in CREDITS when you sign up, AFTER you pay the sales tax on the full retail value of the phone....and the credits will come with each phone bill, locking you into your contract with T-Mobile, as if you cancel before the phone is paid off (yeah, by now I hope you've figured out that you aren't actually getting a free phone, just a phone on a monthly installment plan) you'll be handed a bill for the balance...and let's not forget the $35 connection charge, $35 being a number decided in a boardroom that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the actual cost of "connecting" you to T-Mobile's service (that actual cost is, coincidentally, NOTHING.)

In short, get a stripped-down phone at a discount which goes up in proportion to the number of bells and whistles you add to your service.  This is a pretty blatant bait-and-switch that probably sounds good to Stupid People but really ought to be obvious to anyone who has ever seen the inside of a High School. 

Let's get one thing straight- no company is giving anything away, ever.  That's not how Capitalism works- hell, it's not how Economics works.  If T-Mobile is ready to hand me an iPhone, T-Mobile has figured out how to get me to pay for it in a way that makes me look like I'm getting something for nothing.  Except that I don't buy Apple products so I'm not playing- plus, I've seen the inside of a High School.

Bill O'Reilly knows that brains can be TOO relaxed

 

I won't take supplement advice from Doug Flutie or Frank Thomas.  I'm certainly not taking supplement advice from a guy who thinks that the tidal schedule is some kind of Unsolved Mystery.  But I absolutely believe that O'Reilly is giving actual personal testimony here and not just picking up a quick buck as a pitchman.  O'Reilly's brain is in a permanently relaxed state.

Toyota's Summer of Debt

 

Here at Berlin City Toyota of Portland (wow, couldn't fit a few more words into that title?) there's never been a better time to sign up for multiple years of debt to drive a truck you don't need to impress people you don't know while spending money you don't have!

Come in today with thousands of dollars down (why not borrow it?  It's America 2026, so no one will even blink at the prospect of borrowing a down payment!) and sign on the dotted line, locking yourself into a contract of six, seven or even EIGHT YEARS of payments on a truck that will be worth roughly 20 percent less than you paid the moment you drive it off the lot.  A truck that will NEVER be used for ANY of the things we show it being used for in the ad because you will desperately try to keep it looking new for as long as possible to mask the intense regret you feel for this stupid impulse buy!

Do it NOW, because these things are flying off the showroom floor, honest!  It's not that we are desperate to clear them out before the 2027 models arrive just after Labor Day, making these look like old garbage to your neighbors!  Never mind that waiting six months and buying last year's version of exactly the same truck will save you thousands in depreciation!  SIGN UP FOR DEBT NOW because 

it's what the salesperson working on commission desperately needs from you the smart thing to do!

Two Questions about this stupid RaceTrac Pizza Commercial

 

(Although I must say, I feel kind of weird even commenting on one of these ads.  I mean, it's for a company that proudly calls itself "gas station pizza."  That's about as self-effacing and ghetto as you can get.)

(Also, sorry about the extra step required to view the ad.  There are other RaceTrac ads I AM allowed to link to directly, but not this one.  I'll probably revisit this company in the future, though.  These ads are pretty funny.)

1.  The woman in this ad flies awkwardly to RaceTrac to get pizza, I guess- and we see her levitate over to the Standard Mostly-Water-Advertised-as-Soda Fountain to get a cup of ice and water and a little soda.  But when she gets to the register, she's got pizza and two bottles of Coke and no fountain drink in sight.  Check the cameras, RaceTrac.  This woman guzzled a fountain drink and tossed the cup without paying for it.  Maybe that explains the weird look on her face; it certainly suggests to me that she's trying to convince the clerk that she's NOT trying to get away with something.

2.  If you find yourself happily sitting in the front seat of your car devouring a gas station pizza by yourself, your life has taken a sad, dark turn and I promise you it's not too late to change direction and get it together.  Life is too short to be like this, buddy.  It's going to be even shorter if you keep consuming RaceTrac (or any other gas station) pizza.

This guy died, Circa 2026.

 

The way that this ad is filmed, it looks as though the guy in it does absolutely nothing except stare at his phone and gamble.  Except when he takes breaks to call the "unsurpassed Customer Support" with a smile on his face- as if anyone has ever called Customer Support while smiling.  Please.

All of this just strikes me as being really, really sad.  This guy looks to be in his late-20s; in other words, in the very prime of life.  And he seems to be spending it risking his money with a stupid sports gambling app (in other words, a gambling app.)  Maybe this would make sense if it showed a guy my age or older retired, lonely, and/or bored.  But this guy has the best years of his life ahead of him- also, the best years of his EARNING potential ahead of him.  Why is he spending so much time grinning like a lobotomized idiot at odds, parlays, whatever the hell this crap is offering him?

Let's just arrange the funeral before this guy starts to stink.  

Hyundai's Getaway Sales Event "Confession" ad is as dumb as it gets

 

You see, it's funny because Catholics are required to go to confession every so often and the priest who hears this confession decides to go ahead and indulge in the same "sin" that Good Catholic confessed...yeah, no kidding, that's the entire joke.

If I had a nickel for every time the Catholic Confession Ritual was played for laughs on commercials, in movies, sitcoms etc. I'd be really, really wealthy.  I've never understood why this particular sacrament is considered in the Public Domain when we pretty much NEVER see any other religious practices mocked or evenly politely commented on, but I know it predates the unfortunate scandals concerning the church that have dominated the headlines for the past fifty years or so. 

In this ad, Hyundai continues the stupid bit of pretending that it's deals during their Seasonal Sales Event are so good, you really might feel like you did something wrong by participating in it.  Let me set my audience straight on this:  If you drive off the lot in a new car worried that a mistake was made and you got away with something, that means only one thing- the salesman did an excellent job convincing you that he was doing you a huge favor while he was picking your pocket.  It is the dream of every car salesman to have a customer convinced that if he doesn't sign on the dotted line right now the SALESMAN will change his mind and refuse to sell.  All those car ads that show people dashing off to the showrooms to claim cars "before they are all gone" like they are rushing to grab the last seat on the Titanic's last lifeboat- please.

The woman in the Confessional has nothing to Confess.  The priest probably does, though whatever it is probably has nothing to do with his coveting of a freaking Hyundai.  The only obvious guilty party is the scumbag sales person who is convincing people that they are getting Steals on overpriced Not-Toyotas, making them feel so badly about "cheating" their Hyundai Dealership that they feel the need to go to Confession.  That guy should be ashamed, but he's too busy depositing his commission at the moment.

A McDonald's and A Quiet Place III crossover ad?

 

Unless flesh-eating monsters are going to break down the door and devour these two morons (what I would call "a happy ending") their behavior throughout this commercial is the most preposterous slop I think I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of preposterous slop coming out of the advertising world over the past five decades or so....

Seriously, these people act as if some horrific disaster will come down on their heads if one of their babies wakes up, and that their babies will wake up if a penny falls on the carpet.  They are living in a horrific dystopia- not only are they terrified of their children, but they are reduced to ordering vastly marked-up processed garbage "food" from McDonald's.  I wish them speedy relief from the hellscape they are living in (preferably delivered by flesh-eating monsters.)  

By the way, what does that guy pay for his delivery with? It almost looks like cash.  I caught a glimpse of that stuff a few times last week, when I found myself stuck behind people who had inexplicably dropped in from the 1970s and were using it to buy donuts and fancy coffee and iced drinks and pretty much everything else when I was trying to get Iris her strawberry donut and myself my black coffee so I could get on with life.  Is that a tip?  What country was this filmed in?  What is going on here?