Polymarket and LeBron James. Um, what?

 

Polymarket advertises itself as a "prediction market," which is a too-cute-by-half nonsense phrase meaning "betting site" but avoiding what few restrictions exist for betting sites by insisting that Oh No This Isn't Gambling, It's Just Buying Futures...on sporting events.  Uh huh.*

The people in this wall of noise of an ad...I just can't.  What the actual hell?  It's gambling, people.  If you win too regularly, and win more than you lose, you'll be restricted and if you try to get around the restriction, you'll be banned.  If you lose more than you win, you'll be treated like a freaking king because you're their favorite player- errr, Futures Trader.

And does anyone else have a problem with an Active NBA player appearing in these ads?  I mean, it's bad enough that multiple RETIRED sports figures pimp for this crap.  But James is NOT retired.  He's still in a position to impact games- which means, impact the number of people who win or lose "futures" on games that he plays in.  Nobody sees a problem with this?

*"Prediction Market" is the triumph of Orwellian Language, and the fact that they get away with this blatant middle finger at gambling restrictions is the triumph of Capitalism.  I've recently read that HALF of all men in the United States under the age of 30 engage in online betting, and that number is rising.  And of those millions upon millions of young men, virtually NONE will eventually delete those gambling apps having made money overall.  That is NOT how these apps work.  No Sports Book or "Prediction Market" is in the business of giving away money.  NONE of them give a damn if you lose your rent money "predicting" the result of a sporting event.  If you download one of these apps, first you are being naive.  Then you are being stupid.  Then you're being addicted.  None of these is worth celebrating. 

FanDuel's "System" Commercial

 

"I have a really good gaming system- I limit myself to an hour of betting per week, and also set limits on how MUCH I can bet per week."

Oh, that's interesting.  An hour, huh?  Pretty much all of these ads highlight how Easy it is to place bets, and how Quickly you can bet not only on multiple games but on pretty much anything that can happen in multiple games.  Seems to me that in an hour you can do a whole lot of betting.

Oh, but you set limits on how much you can bet.  That's good, but wait-- how locked-in are those limits?  What happens to those limits when FanDuel offers you $200 in betting credit when you bet $50 forty different times (yes, this is a thing?)  Is removing the limit more difficult than swiping on a button in the app?  

(Know how you REALLY place limits on your gambling?  The answer is- by winning.  If you win too much, FanDuel will place those limits.  No self-control necessary.)

I guess the "funny" part of the ad is the reveal that the other guy's system involves setting up balloons and letting the cat pick the winner between two teams.  Thing is, this is a much better "system" than the first guy's because it involves exactly one bet in one game.  It leaves no room for parleys or bets on the number of field goals kicked, yards gained on the ground or through the air, or penalties for roughing the passer per quarter.  Just a single, simple pick against the spread.  As long as that guy with the barbecue tongs is making that one bet every week, he's in a MUCH better situation than the jagoff pretending that because he puts easily-reversed limits on his betting he's "gaming responsibly."  Plus, it looks like Barbecue Guy has the far better attitude about gambling in general- it's just something he does to make the game he's going to watch slightly more interesting, while his principle attention is on preparing food for his guests.  Unlike the first idiot, who is surgically connected to his phone which exists only to provide him access to his stupid addictive gambling app.  

You'd never guess that the C and U in HBCU stands for Colleges and Universities..

 

After watching this you might, however, be forgiven for thinking that the C stands for Cringe.

Seriously, though.  2 Chainz an Pretty Vee?  Speaking some language which seems to have a passing relationship with English?  "I love my college, St. Augustine's State Universi- TEE, whaddup whaddup let's argue?"  Did this woman get her degree in Communications?

"This is how we do sports. Lets go.  Lets go.  HBCU doesn't just cover.  We own."  Own what?  

"Our HBC...you?  Or our HBCU?"

"Our H B C U!"

"Mmhmm."

 

Yeah, clearly these are the recent Valedictorian and Salutatorian of an HBCU which would probably rather not be represented by either of them (sorry, St. Augustine.)  To be specific, they are "HBCU Legends."  Which, I'm sorry, says absolutely nothing good for HBCUs.

There's six minutes of this nonsense left, and maybe it actually develops into something worthwhile, but I can't deal with this anymore.  Booker T Washington must be spinning his grave.  Seriously, what the actual hell is going on here?  How is this an advertisement for HBCUs?  

Two more well-earned swipes at DraftKings (and gambling in general)

 

1.  Someone explain to me the moral difference between a drug dealer offering free samples of their addictive, life-ruining drug and DraftKings offering $200 in betting credit for new "clients."  It's well-known that regular LOSERS of bets get all kinds of great swag from all of the betting Aps- officially licensed clothing, free seats at games, etc while regular winners quickly find limits placed on their betting.  DraftKings, Caesar's, etc. draw people in with credit, keep them in with swag, and dump them when they are no longer profitable.  Scummy, scummy, scummy.

2.  I would love to know exactly how many people thought that they had made a big score on Anthony Volpe's home run in Game 3 of the Yankees-Rays playoff series for exactly three minutes until the hit was overruled by the refs and changed to a ground-rule double.  I would love for someone to give me the numbers- how many people put big money on Volpe (rather than Ben Rice) hitting a home run in that game, thought that they had finally pulled off a win, only to have it taken away by officials in New York. More grimly, I wonder how long it's going to be before an official loses his life to a deranged gambling addict whose account went deep into the red because of an overturned or missed call.  Seems pretty inevitable, doesn't it?

T-Mobile: What Matters

 

Nobody cares where you're going, Mr. Thornton- but they DO care that you're holding up the line for no apparent reason except that you're lonely and you want to engage in pointless chitchat (in the form of lengthy pitch for T-Mobile) with a woman whose ONLY job is to assist actual customers.

Let me make this real simple for you, Pathetic Boomer Meme:  There is a woman in front of you with a job to do.  There are people behind you who want her to do her job.  They actually do care where they are going.  They don't just hang around the damn rental desks for their damn health.  Somebody, call security.  

The $5 gets you $200 Scam, and a REAL bonus

 

After you've nearly died of cringe watching two multimillionaires giggle like teen girls over the prospect of $200 of "free bets" for $5, you can check out this excellent video showing how these "Sports Book" apps REALLY operate.  And you can contemplate how a Betting App which bleats constantly about how its customers WIN WIN WIN manages to stay in business if all the money is flowing one way.

Of course, the money DOES flow one way.  Into the pockets of the company which made the app, which then buys the souls of ex jocks and crap comedians and a majority of Congress and pretty much everyone else who just wants their share of the thirty pieces of silver (and a lot more) being gathered up by these vultures.  

Medishare Commercials are Peak Cringe

 

If you have SiriusXM, you've certainly heard ads for Medishare and you probably already know what I mean when I say they are among the cringiest commercials we've ever heard.

The guy in the ad has this bland smiling cadence to his voice that just screams Youth Pastor as he tells us how much people just loooove Medishare- not because it saves customers "hundreds of dollars a month, on average three hundred dollars a month" but because it's a "community" of people with "Christian Values" who, when you call, will "offer to pray with you."  (Personally, if I call an insurance company to ask a question about health coverage, or to file a claim, or to dispute a rejected claim, and am asked if I want people to pray for me, I know I'm totally screwed.)

It sounds like Medishare is fine as long as your doctor is In Network and a real hassle if he isn't- which is exactly like all other insurance works.  Except, I'm willing to bet serious money that relatively very few doctors are In Network when it comes to Medishare.  I may be wrong, but considering that I've never met anyone who has Medishare and I've never seen Medishare listed as a health insurance accepted by any doctor I've ever been to...yeah, actually I don't think I'm wrong.

And again- "when you call, we'll offer to pray with you..." Such a red flag.  I can pray for myself.  I don't want my mechanic to offer to pray over my car.  If I'm in a plane I don't want to the pilots to pray during severe turbulence.  And I don't want my health insurance to "pray for me."  I want Medishare to act like any other insurance company- do their very best to deny coverage whenever possible and bury me in jargon and red tape when I try to get a bill paid.  That I can understand.