Sunday, December 13, 2009

Oh Hell, Just Stay Where you are and I'll come get you, you helpless moron!

New I-Phone Commercial:

"Let's say you are on your phone, and your friend asks 'What time's the movie?'"

"You can tell him" (we see the owner of the phone- well, his hand, anyway- check the movie times on the I-Phone. Because there's an App for that. Of course.)

"Then let's say your friend asks "Where's the theatre?"

"You can show him" (I-Phone owner's hand presses a few buttons and sends a map to the theatre to his retarded, desperately needy friend.)

"Then let's say your friend asks "Want to go for Sushi afterwards?"

At this point, one wonders why the owner of this phone would want to spend any time at all with this pathetic child. But I guess he does- because he moves his finger around his lover--errr, phone-- until he can bring up a photo of a Sushi place. "Sure" he replies.

Sigh. Where to start? First- why didn't these "friends" figure out what time the movie was when they first planned to go? Oh, right- because doing that would have eliminated an excuse to use their fucking phones later on. Second- if the unseen friend's phone can receive a map from the I-Phone, why couldn't he have used it to find the damn theatre himself? Third- why does the owner of the I-Phone have to check out a photo of the Sushi place before deciding whether he wants to go out for Sushi after the film or not? Oh, right- because just like his friend, he can't move a god damned muscle without consulting his real best friend- the one with the back-lit panel and cool Apps.

Do we think that these two guys simply stayed at home, staring like frightened children out at the big bad scary world, before Apple started marketing phones that could provide the kind of information that used to be carefully hidden away on movie posters and in newspapers? Once these two guys meet at the theatre, how will they justify continuing to consult their phones instead of talking to eachother? Will the owner of the I-Phone be able to refrain from attempting to find a photo of the concession stand during the trailers? Is there any doubt that he'll be consulting the official site of one of the films advertised before the film he's actually there to see starts? Will these two idiots sit in different parts of the theatre so they can justify texting eachother (to confirm the Sushi date, etc.) before it's over?

So many questions. So little hope.


  1. I was listening to the latest "Geek Speak" podcast, and they mentioned this guy who was like the world champion World of Warcraft player. He had done every quest, etc. One of the geeks said this guy had to be the biggest loser ever (my thought was that he needed to get laid). Well, the I-phone app people are runners-up in the biggest loser category. I'm expecting to see a "Need to masturbate?" there's an app for that ad...

  2. My guess is that the answer is "yes," every time they see a commercial for one of these phones.

  3. Yeah, these phone ads are really getting to be too much. There is another one (not sure if it's iPhone or another brand) that refers to your phone as being "the only thing that is always within arms reach" or something like that. I just find that so sad; personally, the only thing I have that is always in arms reach is my wedding band. ;)