Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Please, Kill Me Now

I's been a while since I've done a cell phone commercial at his site, so I feel like I'm returning to safe, familiar ground with today's post. This I Phone commercial is aimed squarely at all of us idiots who are perfectly happy with cell phones which allow you to call and text- who don't need Apps, who don't need cameras, who don't want to Tweet or Twitter or check email on the go, and despite a few years of aggressive marketing have not yet become convinced that we NEED all these bells and whistles.

The gloves are off- phone companies are tired of trying to sell us crap- now they are going to simply warn us that if we DON'T buy in, we are doomed to social isolation. Hot girls will have nothing to do with us once they realize that we can only use our phones for actually making calls. If we can't check our email ( 27 emails? Hey buddy, she's too popular for you, anyway) she's going to move on to someone more likely to ignore her during dates to check the box scores on his Blackberry. This makes sense, somewhere.

Still, the way this woman flees the scene of the "crime," as if the guy just blurted out that he's really into crystal meth and his Barbie collection- is a bit over the top. Are girls really this turned off by guys who don't have the newest phone technology? Really?

"Don't live with phone shame." Much better, I guess, to live with bad credit, which is just around the corner if you buy in to the notion that the way to impress people is by purchasing the newest shiny things the moment they hit the market. Sure you won't have any money- but the big screen and cool apps are sure to get that cute girl you just met in the sack, and quick. Bleh.


  1. Wow, guess I'm the world's biggest loser because my cell phone is not the be all and end all of my existence.

  2. That is basically the message of commercials like this: If you don't have a cool phone, don't expect to have any friends. And as the makers of KIN will tell you, if you get one of their products, you'll have lots and lots of friends.

    At least this explains why I can't get a date.

  3. I miss the days when people compensated for their shortcomings by buying ridiculously large cars; at least then Americans were employed in catering to the need to be someone the sufferer wasn't. Nowadays we end up having our mental itches scratched by political prisoners whose only crime was their disbelief in the divinity of Chairman Mao.

  4. This guy's problem is not that his cell phone doesn't have "apps". His problem is that he's apparently purchased the cell phone equivalent of Marvin the Paranoid Android.

  5. He doesn't deserve the girl, anyway, if he's too stupid to close the thing back up and put it away.

  6. I had a cool smartphone, a Samsung Galaxy S4. I got it at Walmart early November, signed a 2-year contract with Fido, and some jerk from Grindr stole it. So, now the phone I was really enjoying is gone, and I have to keep making payments and try to buy a new S4 at normal price. Make of that what you will.