Almost an honest Range Rover Ad

 

...in that you definitely need to be living the lifestyle depicted here to afford this ridiculous, unreliable money pit of a motorized vehicle.  

Want a Range Rover?  Better already own a paid-off Range to Rove.  And yes, you should also have a paid-off Manor to park it in front of when it's not in the shop (which will be often if you actually try to use it to Rove your Range.)  And you should make sure that you have a pile of cash to dig into when your stupid LookAtMeMobile/Compensation Purchase breaks down because as I implied in the first paragraph, these things are notorious for their need of regular, expensive maintenance and repairs.  The Check Engine light on these things better come with heavy duty bulbs because they have to work harder than any other part.

If these stupid things could talk, they wouldn't be describing the Range.  They'd be describing the interior of your local mechanic's shop.  Hard pass. 

Revisiting that Grammarly Work at the Speed of Light Commercial...

 

Get ready because here comes the email announcing that your unbelievably cushy job that in real life would have been given to some guy making a dollar an hour in Mumbai has been taken over by AI!

Seriously, this ad was retro when it originally came out and it's downright laughable now.  Even at the time of it's release- I think around 2019- the idea of a young white woman in the United States being hired to handle basic "when's the system coming back on?" responses from customers was ludicrous.  I posted at the time that this had to be the dimwitted daughter of one of the CEO's golfing buddies just trying to make some money to pay off student debt; it really was not believable that she'd be a new "member of the team" because what company in 2019 was still hiring native-born locals to do stuff like this?  Long before 2019 mindless drone work like this had been farmed out to Call Centers in the emerging world.  It wasn't being done by middle-class white people from the freaking burbs.  

Hopefully, this girl got her act together and didn't count on this ridiculous gig to pay her bills for more than a few weeks (and hopefully, those people on the Sub-Continent have landed cushy jobs trying to scam elderly Americans into buying fake funeral insurance.)  Because "work" like this is history and it's not ever going to be done by an actual human being, ever again; these jobs are now being handled by a an AI image and scriptbot even more limited in how it can respond than that guy with the thick Pakistani accent (or this girl) was. 

What is it with these Gain commercials?

 

Why are they trying to convince us that breathing in detergent residue will send us on an acid trip or, failing that, make doing our laundry the highlight of our week?  No matter where these people are or what they are doing, everything stops so that they can enjoy the sensation of jamming their noses into their towels, bedsheets, etc. and reminding themselves of how very very much they appreciate the scent of their favorite batch of liquid chemicals.  

There are other commercials where people seem to experience the same ascent into Nirvana when they slide into the front seat of their ridiculous LuxuryMobile and proceed to drive at high speed through cityscapes.  Is detergent the Audi for the masses?  Will Gain offer a discounted rate on their bottles of suds so the rest of us can have a December to Remember, just at the laundromat instead of the ski chalet?

This State Farm Commercial is so Tone-Deaf

 

Sports star sitting on a vast couch in the middle of a vast living room in what I assume is a vast suburban estate musing "life would sure be easier if...."  Yeah, very relatable, State Farm.  

Caitlin Clark wishes her sport could be easier.  Here's the thing, though:  Clark recently signed a four-year contract in the WNBA which will pay her an average of $78,000 per year.  That's not a typo- she'll make seventy-eight thousand dollars a year playing in the WNBA.  So whose massive house is she sitting in?

Well, unless it's just a sound stage, the answer is probably: Hers.  You see, less than three-tenths of one percent of Clark's money actually comes from playing basketball.  She has also signed an eight-year deal with Nike Shoes that will "earn" her $28 million over that period, and collects royalties for a signature Wilson basketball.  In all, she makes an estimated $12-14 million PER YEAR and is set for life if she never plays another game.  Her WNBA gig pays her just slightly more than I make teaching High School, but like most people, I need to pay all my expenses working one full-time job.  This woman's "profession" opened up the doors to all those other opportunities, but it's a completely incidental line item in her current revenue stream.  It would make a lot more sense if we saw her wishing that doing commercials was easier.  It wouldn't be any more relatable, but it would make more sense.

IHOP Makes Atherosclerosis Affordable Again!

 

   

The part that gets me about this ad for $6 pancake deals is the "every day" line.  I get it- they just mean that the deal is available every day.  They don't expect you to show up every day for pancakes, hash browns, side meats and butter, butter and more butter.  But it IS 2025 after all- there are many, many people out there who hit Starbucks for coffee milkshakes every morning and Taco Bell every lunch break and whatever is a Special on Uber Eats for dinner, so now I kind of wonder- does IHOP want this to be an every day thing?  I mean, it's a day's worth of calories for six dollars....

Welcome to the...ummm...."Wayborhood"...

 

...a nightmare world/Twilight Zone Episode where everyone in a surface-level-upscale suburban community has filled their McMansions with IKEA and Dollar Store-Quality junk, probably because they spent all their money on more house than they can afford and the Lexus they are paying on at $999 a month, $3499 down, for the next seven years.

I can totally see this being a trend.  After all, the neighbors see that flashy Entertainment Center/Overcompensation On Wheels sitting in your driveway.  They rarely see what kind of furniture you have; they sure don't have time to inspect it beyond the superficial glance.  If the lamp turns on, if the sofa doesn't collapse, if the coffee table can handle the load of your coffee cup without creaking- well, it must be excellent quality because come on, if you could swing that Lexus you'd spare no expense inside the house, right?  The neighbors aren't going to detect the particleboard and they aren't going to lift the lamps and realize that for all their solid appearance their weight suggests thin plastic rather than ceramic.  In short, the facade will probably hold up as long as they never look too closely- and as long as they stay fixated on that Lexus. 

The other option is to buy a practical, 10-year old car and modest quality furniture on Facebook Marketplace (that's what I did, because I'm smart and I'm not out to impress anyone; good thing, too.)  I mean, when the Lexus gets repossessed, or the neighbors over for cocktails (is that something people still do?) finally do notice that your house is furnished with fiberboard and Aaron's Selloff -level junk electronics- when the gild is finally peeled off- where will your reputation built on a house of cards be then?

That Kellogg's "Gut Feeling" Commercial

 

I get that there's supposed to be a double meaning to "gut feeling" here- like, eating this ultra-produced garbage is supposed to be good for your gut while at the same time encouraging you to go with your spontaneous notion of doing something fun.  Because I'm a curmudgeon, I have a few issues with this message:

1.  There's nothing about this stuff that is good for your gut.  It's Diabetes in a Bowl and should not be consumed by anyone who is more interested in their long-term health than their short-term satisfaction.  Not a good choice for anyone who cares more about what's in their food than how pretty it looks in a bowl of milk (which no one should be drinking after the age of 6 or so anyway.)

2.  The "gut feeling" that leads to a romp in the bouncy castle is called a "sugar rush" and yeah I guess it's a better way to use that quick energy spike than just continuing to sit on your ass watching that middle-aged pouch above your belt get bigger, but what do you do in ten minutes when the crash ends and you're hungry again (in many cases, hungrier than before you consumed that bowl of worthless carbohydrates and dairy your body hasn't needed since you were an infant?)  Oh right, I know- either eat more sugar to keep that feeling going (but sugar isn't an addictive drug, so don't you dare suggest otherwise) or take a nap, at which time your body will store the unused energy as adipose tissue.  Either way, you lose.  

3.  A couple of eggs and a piece of fruit (NOT JUICE) would have given you more energy and it would have lasted much longer, besides leaving you satiated for hours, not minutes.  But it doesn't look or taste like candy so it's a hard pass, I guess.  Again, though- sugar's not addictive.  🙄