These things already contain fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potatoes, and gravy. Make the bowl a little larger and KFC could add gummy bears, cigarettes, whiskey, and a gambling app and make this the perfect Grab and Go for people in a hurry to destroy their lives.
"Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl." I wish I had thought of that. And yes, 2 AM in your own apartment is the only proper time and place to consume this Most American Meal Ever.
I've kept a portable air compressor in the trunk of my car for well over a decade. I got my niece one for her car. We've used them to fill tires, basketballs, footballs, floatation devices- anything that needs air.
Which is why the people in these ads absolutely astonish me. They come off as skeptical that such a device is possible without slight of hand or magic and in the real world it must be a scam of some kind. A portable air compressor that you charge at home every once in a while and then keep in your car to deal with low tire situations?* What's next, a mini version of a vacuum for your car? A mounting device for a cell phone on the dashboard? What kind of bizarre Utopia are we living in these days?
Seriously, though. I don't know if this thing works well- the reviews on YouTube are not promising- but you can buy them off the shelf at your local Home Depot or (probably) Walmart. This is not new if you haven't been living under a rock for the past many, many years. Why are these idiots acting as if they are watching a wizard at work?
*I do object to the depiction of a completely flat tire; if it has a puncture, all the compressed air in the world isn't going to help you for what I hope are obvious reasons. For that you'll need another Very Available, Very Portable product called a Fix-a-Flat- though personally I'd rather just call AAA and have them switch it out with my spare.**
**actual spare, not the worthless donut the insultingly cheap dealerships stick you with these days. $25,000 on average for a base-model new car and they can't include an actual extra tire....but that's a rant for another time.
I'm so disturbed that there's even something called the Mobile Game Industry...
Turns out that these ubiquitous "free" games (actually the same game tweaked and relabeled to con the losers who fall down these time-and-money-wasting tunnels to nowhere) are all about dopamine hits mixed with just enough frustration to convince users to purchase upgrades and just enough advertisement to make it profitable even if 100 percent of the people who download don't become absolutely obsessed with this life-draining nonsense.
Never mind Jimmy Kimmel, who like Shakira and Lebron just ask "how high" when told by their corporate masters to jump as long as those masters are waving fistfuls of money they don't really need and don't know what to do with in their faces. Let's note every commercial that does not include an actual celebrity- they all show seemingly normal people doing normal things (preparing meals in the kitchen, having a backyard barbecue, etc.) being fascinated by what looks to a Boomer like me to be Candy Crush with Royalty. And effortlessly recruiting their spouses and friends to join in the "fun" by offering a mere glance at their phones.
How empty are their lives that this looks absolutely irresistible after three seconds? I'd be asking when it became perfectly normal to do everything with one hand and fifty percent of your brain tied behind your back. Maybe I should have mentioned that all the people shown engaged in this junk are legal adults. Legal adults who if they are so easily sucked into investing time and money into this bleak empty garbage are almost certainly also going down the road of economic destruction through equally "fun" gambling apps as well.
Can we bring actual hobbies back? How about actual quality time with fellow humans? Time not spent staring at a screen and engaging in "activities" that suck money out of our wallets for a few moments of - well, I don't even know. Why is this fun again?
1. Apparently it's not about raising money for a good cause. It's a major competition that only one of these very competitive little girls can win, and both are determined to be the Champion Number One Whatever. The cookies are just the means by which a Champion can be Crowned.
2. The moment we gained access to digital payment options, handling actual currency became incredibly awkward, virtually impossible. Because I grew up handling cash and I can't remember it being this big a deal to transfer paper from one hand to another or even to (gasp) make change.
3. Yeah, digital payments are totally flawless and would never accidentally duplicate themselves. I don't know why every transaction isn't a worry-free tap of a phone, those NEVER go wrong.
4. You roll your eyes at me while I'm trying to help your cause, and I'm cancelling the sale and keeping my money. This little girl does it TWICE. What a great representative of her generation. Goodbye, little girl. I can buy cookies from anyone, including at the store, with cash, without the condescending, triggered annoyed looks. I'm sooooo sorry it's taking more than thirty seconds to finish this transaction, but please avoid this "problem" by skipping my house next year.
If Christmas is the Hallmark Channel's Superbowl, then the Superbowl is Advertising's Christmas. Somehow, the ads for the big game have become as big a story- maybe even a bigger story- than the sporting event it sponsors. NFL Network even has a "Best Superbowl Ads Ever" show.
Personally, I think the absolute worst thing about attending game parties is being unable to escape the ads and the inevitable conversations created by the ads. As the years have moved along, I've noticed that more and more the casual chitchat is reserved for the time the players are on the field and is halted during the commercials. I guess it was inevitable that a mere football game being played between two teams not supported by at least 90 percent of viewers would take a back seat to advertisements (not to mention an only slightly truncated concert tucked in between the 2nd and 3rd quarters.)
As it turns out, I won't be attending a Superbowl party for the first time since the Plague of 2020/21, which means I'll be watching with a remote in my hand ready to hit MUTE when the actual game is not on the screen. Hey, I'm a curmudgeon, remember?
Oh, I guess I should say a few things about this ad for everyone's favorite pile of junk, Jeep. Well, let's see...the premise is that we've got a little kid obsessed with silly purchase made by his father when dad was hung over and watching late-night TV back in the 80s (maybe it was grandpa?) The little kid's mom is pregnant for no reason (unless something else happens in the final ten seconds involving her, I don't know, I stopped watching after "I can see my wires" because by then it had crossed the line into Beaten To Death Joke and I was done.) We know for sure she's pregnant because she's got her arm resting on her stomach like All Pregnant Women in TV ads do.
For some reason the kid really, really wants to take an obvious piece of plastic to the river, and for some reason dad is willing to drive the kid and the stupid piece of plastic what seems like many, many miles to find a suitable river to put it in. All of this is in service of driving the family's much, much bigger dumb purchase, with it's panoramic sunroof and apparent ability to hit a pothole and get wet without needing servicing (is Jeep upping it's game?)
The kid puts the piece of plastic in the river and I guess it's a Magic Fish but not the good kind that grants wishes, just the kind that is grateful for five seconds and then accusatory when it finds out that freedom is not all it's cracked up to be. I have no idea why that bear continues to eat the fish when it's clear it's plastic. I have no idea why this stupid plastic fish has so many wires. I have no idea why the dad is trying to defend himself to it. It's a plastic fish that doesn't even grant wishes.
All I see here is the overindulgence of a creepy little boy who needs therapy and friends by a father who thinks that there's something environmentally sane about driving a brand-new piece of garbage to a remote area to toss a fifty-year old piece of garbage into a river.
What am I missing? Oh, don't bother- I'm sure I'll be told in the breakroom, or by several of my classes, tomorrow.
This one is uniquely nasty because we see a short-sleeved chef scratching his nasty dry itchy skin while preparing food- I mean, yuck. Where's the damn health inspector when you need her?
But the others all have one annoying thing in common- they all feature people who seem to have been given exciting, active lives, complete with expensive hobbies and holidays to exotic places, along with their Rinvoq prescriptions. If I get an Rx for this stuff will it come with a first-class ticket to a warm beach somewhere? Are the cool friends included or is that only with the Gold Plan on the health care network?
...but nothing about watching flabby future diabetes patients wax poetic about their love of the variety of bland starch available at your "restaurant"- pizza, cinnamon "bites," bread "buttons," etc.- makes me hungry for America's Favorite Carbohydrate Delivery System.
These people need Domino's like they need more screen time. They'd be far better off with a balanced diet and an exercise program- hey, THAT sounds like a "perfect combo" to me, but where's the money in that, right?
