It's a little-known Fact that there is not a human being on Earth who can decipher the lyrics of this song, which by the way is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention and a War Crime in over 100 nations (another little-known Fact.)
Having this ad run on repeat at least eight times an hour during tonight's Svengoolie episode made me a worse person. I think it caused permanent damage to my psyche and I do not expect to recover.
Seriously, look at the gushing in response to this ad. Samsung is King. Samsung is Awesome. Samsung's Privacy Screen is like if Sliced Bread and the Wheel had a baby. None of these comments were posted by an actual human being, of course. They are all droppings left by an AI Vapid Comment Generator. Nobody is this inane. Not even in the United States of Capitalism.
Meanwhile, I guess this is an attractive feature during the current pandemic of Main Character Syndrome- everyone is looking at me, everyone is interested in what I'm doing, I'm very, very intriguing to all around me- but if the target audience were honest it would ask why it wants a privacy screen while yapping away about the most personal details of their lives or blasting music at full volume in public. Trouble is, the target audience is NOT honest. It is, however, shockingly narcissistic and convinced that it's being judged- especially for owning a Samsung and not an iPhone. If this screen is exclusive to Samsung for a season it can pretend the choice has to do with Samsung's dedication to privacy? Please.
A typical Disney family cruise (7 nights, Caribbean destinations) cost upward of $10,000. This family has been going on them like other families rent tiny cabins at the local beach. In other words, filthy rich and totally unrelatable.
Oh, but the bots commenting on this ad pretend that it's making them cry- because they are bots. Nobody with any sense gets choked up over three generations of a family spending a freaking fortune on overpriced entertainment sold by the Mouse That Destroyed Star Wars. Especially when you just KNOW these people also spend a week at one of the freaking parks, too.
Seriously, I watched this twice and noted the official Ethos logo on the ad before I was able to convince myself that this was not pulled from an episode of SNL.
First, you've got the creepy kids letting dad know EXACTLY how his dying would impact them- "we'd be HOMELESS" says the little girl in her best Precocious Sitcom Child voice. Not "we love you and would be devastated." Just an eyeroll and "come on dad, we like this house and you pay for it so we need you to hang around."
And the little boy with his "I have no one to look up to...." But you DO have someone to live off of, Dead or Alive, so that's ok?
Second, you've got Mom telling him that "of course we love you BUT we also love our home" in a tone that makes it pretty damn unmistakable which one is the priority. And then she doubles down- "PLUS the kids want to go to college..." Holy Crap Woman, just call him your freaking meal ticket and get it over with. You don't just want this guy to get life insurance- you want him to get enough to make sure that if something happens to him, you get to keep the house and the kids get to go college and neither involves you actually getting a job. And what kind of parent brings her small children into a discussion concerning Our Living Conditions After Dad Inevitably Dies Young?
Now, the guy does respond to all this "honey get life insurance so we can stop worrying about the possibility of one day living in a world where we have to take care of ourselves" by ruining a sheet and acting far less mature than his ghoul kids, so maybe his family is legitimately concerned that Dad will accidentally kill himself in one of any number of ways any day now. But he must have something going on between his ears to be able to afford that ridiculous estate, scheming bloodless trophy wife and evil children. Or is it all inherited? But if that's the case, what's the big deal about insurance? Are you blowing through this guy's family fortune that fast?
The mom is Awful, the kids are Awful (and- if they are actual human children- Traumatized,) and Dad is not handling his wife and children obsessing over Life After Him as if it's right around the corner very well. What a bizarre commercial. What isn't bizarre is that Comments are blocked. I can imagine what that thread would have looked like.
...to a lifetime struggle with obesity, diabetes, and heart disease?
Seriously, all I see is a very nice-looking atmosphere in which to consume huge double-cheese carbohydrate discs, cheeseburgers loaded with onion rings and potatoes, pancakes covered with whipped cream and chocolate,* and basically Deep Fried Everything that Isn't Wood-Fired Pizza. Washed down with soda, sweet tea or liquor. Unless this is a once-a-year event, ordering from the menu should come with a Surgeon General's Warning.
*In the 2005 comedy Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds' character is served a High Stack of pancakes completely drowned in whipped cream and M&Ms. It was supposed to be a joke, but I guess it was more of a prophecy? And I thought IHOP's Cheesecake pancakes were scary.
I'm used to seeing washed-up actors and sports figures- Ice T, Vivica Fox, Ernie Hudson, Danica Patrick, Ric Flair- pitching this BS scammy non-insurance which is the subject of lawsuits and thousands of pages of consumer complaints. But it's more than a little surprising to see a guy currently making serious bank as the most recognizable face of ESPN- once upon a time the gold standard of sports reporting, long descended into lolcow status- selling his image to an utter fraud of a company like CarShield.
Whatever CarShield paid Stephen A. Smith to spend several minutes of his time bleating a tired script, it could not have come close to one-tenth of one percent of his annual income over at ESPN (approximately $20 mil. For what, I can't tell you. Don't ask me to explain Capitalism.) Which means that this is probably not about money at all. More like just taking any opportunity to get his face out there in a non-sports-related moment. Because he's running for President? Or he just wants people to think he is? But how does being associated with a business infamous for conning people out of their hard-earned money with claims carefully couched with small print that will leave them with empty wallets achieve that? Who would vote to elevate such a person to the office of the Presidency?
What's the message of this ad? "Say yes to more debt- and respond to the extension of credit by doing a stupid dance as if you've just won something valuable!"
Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. The actors in NetCredit commercials wear their FICA scores on their t-shirts. And those scores are not Exceptional. They are in the "Fair" range. If they are being approved for loans, those interest rates are high- but let's ignore that, because all that really matters is that NetCredit is going to let you spend some more. In real life, this is not good news. In NetCredit ads, the actors celebrate because they have the opportunity to dig that debt hole just a little bit deeper.
Isn't that a baby stroller? That kid is in trouble. He chose his parents wrong. His parents are frivolous morons.
