CarShield Hopes You Never Learn The Math Behind Warranties

 

"Have you ever stopped to think why the average new car warranty is only three years or 36,000 miles?"  Um, no- not really.  But I'm willing to take this as something more than a rhetorical question and just answer it:  The reason why new car warranties generally run three years or 36,000 miles is because that's the time and distance in which a new car can reasonably be categorized as "new."

Coincidentally, it's also a perfectly reasonable length of a car warranty.  In three years a new car loses more than half it's value, but at 36,000 miles most cars are still fairly "new" in terms of wear and tear.  The warranty is a nice shiny but basically worthless trinket that in the vast majority of cases will never be used.  It's a Peace of Mind thing but if you get the oil changed and the other fluids topped off and the tires rotated once a year or so there's no reason why you should EVER need to use it, and I bet more than 90 percent of new car buyers never do. 

Now, if you've got a car you bought new which is now out of warranty, you can do one of two things:  You can put $99 per month into a special savings account as an emergency fund to deal with maintenance and keep your insurance up to date to deal with accidents.  Or you can hand $99 a month (for the base-level warranty) to CarShield and kiss that money goodbye forever, because even if you do have a claim your chances of getting this scammy, regularly-sued company to pay out is next to Zero.

One ad has a guy tell us that he's "saved $2700" due to CarShield replacing his water pump and engine or something, but I bet that $2700 doesn't include the years of $99 payments.  Because when you look at how much this "warranty" costs and how little it actually pays out, well, the Math doesn't Math.

The warranty that comes with the new car is fine.  But buying a new warranty when it expires is just stupid, even if it's NOT CarShield (but it's especially stupid if it is.)  Just take care of the damn car and save your money and stop handing it to a company that seems determined to hire every washed-up B-lister to pitch it's crap to the gullible and math-deficient.  Times are tough.  We have to do better.

The woman in this Wayfair commercial...

 

A)  has been scammed.  She thought she was marrying a guy with loads of money, but as soon as they got back from their honeymoon found herself ordering furniture from Wayfair.  I mean, come on- look at this guy.  This is a seven-figure transaction.  

B)  is suffering from severe self-esteem issues.  Again- look at him.  And then look at her.  What the actual hell?  Is he hiding her passport?  Can a neighbor call the authorities?

Erie County, NY: Where it's always Wait till Next Year, all the time

 

I lived in the suburbs of Buffalo from 1991 to 1995 and watched the Bills lose four straight Super Bowls. The Bills then went into complete collapse and could not get out of the shadow of Tom Brady.  Brady ultimately exited the stage, only to be replaced by Pat Mahomes, the Bills' current nemesis blocking the team's way to the Promised Land, always there to knock Buffalo out in the playoffs.  

Then Mahomes has a bad season, the Chiefs don't even make the playoffs at all, and the path is cleared for the Bills- only to have Buffalo inexplicably lose to a Broncos team which loses it's Quarterback to injury at the very end of the game (if he had gone down ten minutes earlier, the Bills certainly would have won and gone on to paste the Patriots in the Championship game a week later.)  This is Babe Ruth Curse level stuff.

The Buffalo Sabres are the oldest franchise in the National Hockey League (established 1970) to never win a Stanley Cup.  They've been in the Championship round twice, losing in six games in 1975 and getting swept in four in 1999.  They make the playoffs pretty regularly- but have never lifted that cup in celebration.  And last night they lost Game 7 to the Montreal Canadians- in Overtime, because that's how you maximize the pain- so fans are back to talking about Hope and Faith and Belief in Next Year.

It's always next year in Erie County.  Next year, the Bills will go all the way.  Next year, the Sabres will get over that hump.  Next year, it won't snow nonstop from December to April and the sun will come out more than twice between Thanksgiving and Easter and the gas pedal won't stick to the floor because it's -20 again and you won't wonder "how the hell did I end up in this godforsaken place, and why can't we at least celebrate a winning team as compensation at least ONCE?"

That Old Navy Paris Hilton Commercial

 

"Hey Paris, who are you wearing?"  Hmm.  That's not even in the top three of the list of questions I had when I saw Paris Hilton in a commercial Not for Carl Jr's hamburgers.  Here's how I responded to seeing this person appear on my television screen:

1.  "Wait...you're still a thing?"

2.  "Why were you ever a thing?"

3.  "Could you please stop being a thing now?"

Honorable Mention:  "Can I assume that we aren't getting a sequel to The Hottie and the Nottie?"

It's App to be a Disaster for all of the people in this ad, and then some

 

This is like watching a bunch of seamstresses being shown a Spinning Jenny and thinking "wow, this is absolutely amazing, what a wonderful time to be alive!"  Never mind that the machine they are being shown was literally built to make their skills irrelevant.

What we are watching here is people eagerly embracing an App that will very quickly make them an expensive, obsolete burden to their employers-- and, ultimately, Unemployed and Unemployable.  Well, I guess at least that will give them more time with their phones and something to do while doom-scrolling LinkedIn, desperately searching for an AI-proof job that will allow them to keep food on the table.

A few honest questions for April Delaney

 

For those of you who don't live in Maryland, April McClain Delaney is a freshman congressperson from Maryland's sixth district, currently seeking a second term.  She is being challenged by her predecessor in that seat, David Trone, who gave up the position to run a failed bid for the United States Senate in 2024.

Representative Delaney is running a two-headed campaign featuring attacks on Trump/ICE detention centers and on her opponent in the Democratic Primary, Mr. Trone.  I applaud your votes against everything Trump does, Ms. Delaney.  I have no issues with that whatsoever.  My questions concern your pushback against your primary challenger. 

You have issued a "Cease and Desist" against Mr. Trone for running ads urging Democratic Primary voters to "Re-Elect David Trone," suggesting that Trone is trying to trick voters into thinking he's the incumbent.  Do you really have so little respect for your constituents that you think they don't know who their Congressperson is?  Or is it that you've been so low-profile that you're afraid that the guy who preceded you has larger name recognition?  In any case, David Trone is a former Congressman who is looking to get re-elected to his old seat.  You can quibble about the language, but I don't think you have a legal leg to stand on and you're coming off insecure more than anything else here. 

Also, you accuse Mr. Trone of trying to buy this seat.  But in 2024, of the just over $2 million you spent to win it yourself, $1 million was self-financed by you and your husband.  Seems to me that you don't object to buying seats in the House of Representatives as much as you are irritated at the concept of being outspent. 

Finally, you suggest that Mr. Trone feels "entitled" to this seat- again, because he's a multimillionaire who jumped into politics near the top.  But do I need to remind you who served as the Representative in this district before Mr. Trone first ran?  That was John Delaney- your husband.  A quick Wiki scan tells me that your Congressional seat is the very first office YOU ever ran for.  You'll need to work hard to explain to me the moral difference between a person who buys name recognition and one who "earns" it by being the spouse of the former Rep.  Oh, but she did serve as a Deputy Director for one division in the Department of Commerce.  Her qualifications for that role?  Um....well....check out her last name again.

In short, please explain to me how the race for the Democratic Nomination for Congress in Maryland's 6th district is NOT just a fight between two people who used money and connections to short-cut their way to the upper ranks of political power?  Or- get off your high horse.  I seem to remember you using your name recognition and money to bludgeon an underfunded primary opponent just two short years ago.  Your current pious tongue-clucking about Big Money is unbecoming to say the least, and I'd actually go with the phrase "blatantly hypocritical." 

Kay Jewelers, Mother's Day, and a God-Awful Earworm

 

It's a little-known Fact that there is not a human being on Earth who can decipher the lyrics of this song, which by the way is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention and a War Crime in over 100 nations (another little-known Fact.)

Having this ad run on repeat at least eight times an hour during tonight's Svengoolie episode made me a worse person.  I think it caused permanent damage to my psyche and I do not expect to recover.