Arsenio Hall, Payday Loans, and the Sad, Sad World of 2026

 

Once, there were loan sharks who worked out of the shadows of the back alleys.  Today, there are Payday loans available out of licensed, 100 percent legal "money stores" on every other corner of suburbia. 

Once, there were bookies.  Today, you can gamble using a super-cool phone app sold to you by every Hollywood A-lister and sports hero through ads shown during actual sporting events and financing entire pre-game and post-game shows.  

I really don't know which is worse- payday loans which charge interest rates which used to be illegal (until the Supreme Court in it's infinite wisdom decided that laws preventing the exploitation of economically desperate people were Unconstitutional) or commercials for gambling apps which make addiction look like the coolest thing imaginable and Good Clean Fun until you're evicted and your wife leaves with the kids and the dog you can't afford anymore anyway.

A few simple questions for Febreze Users

 

When you spill something on the floor, do you just throw a rug over the mess and go on with your life?

If you were to accidentally punch a hole in the wall, would your solution be to hang a portrait over it?

Is your response to the Check Engine light a piece of black tape covering up the the Check Engine light?

If the answer to all of these questions is "no," why would you ever "address" bad odors in your house with Febreze?  How does introducing an odor to overwhelm another odor accomplish anything positive?

I know that cleaning is not fun.  But neither is mold or germs.  And once you reach adulthood, you really should move beyond ignoring problems.  Just sayin.

My annual working vacation is upon me

 

Before dawn tomorrow, an Uber will (hopefully) arrive to whisk me off to National Airport, where an American Airlines plane will (hopefully) whisk me off to Kansas City, where I will spend a week accurately (hopefully) scoring Advanced Placement Exams, just as I have every year Except the Two Of Which We Must Not Speak since 2008.

Which means a week of scrambled eggs, veggie sausage, and lots and lots of coffee and Diet Coke and (hopefully) not too much of the candy on the table, walks during lunch break and the gym and pool every evening.  And no more screen time beyond what needs to be done to score the exams.  

So, no new posts until June 9.  Please enjoy the archives and see you back then (hopefully.)

Another stupid 4Imprint ad

 

If someone asked me while walking through some parking garage if I'm "4 imprint certain," I'd tell them that one thing I'm certain of is that a parking garage has an almost unlimited number of places in which to dump a body. 

That being said, I'm less than two days away from heading off to grade AP exams for an 18th straight year, which means it's time to pick up another complimentary refillable water bottle with the College Board AP Logo stamped on the front.  Back in the good old days, we'd also get umbrellas, backpacks, little blankets...and I still have my coffee tumbler from 2010.  But since just before COVID it's been that water bottle and nothing but that water bottle.  Oh well.  I'd probably lose anything they'd give me within a few hours anyway.  Unless they give us another coffee tumbler this year.  That'd be nice.

This CustomInk ad....

 

If the "TUMBLERS!" woman is the brains of this company, I think I've figured out why the investors pulled their funding.  

Meanwhile...yeah....I'm sure that the way to win back investor confidence is with junk swag like tumblers.  When's the IPO, guys? I've got my money ready!

A few random points about these stupid Carvana Ads

 

1.  If Carvana makes you an instant, sight-unseen offer on your car, and you don't think you are being ripped off with a low bid, well, insert some cliche about a bridge in Brooklyn here.  Earth to these morons:  Carvana is NOT in the business of losing money.  Carvana will NOT offer you one penny more than it thinks it has to for your ten-year old Toyota Rav4.  If the offer was $16,000 (yeah, right) there is something seriously missing in this story.  This isn't 2020 with COVID shortages.

2. Why do these people "need" to sell these cars?  It's safe to assume they are paid for- there's no talk of negative equity or paying off bank notes.  Why are you selling a paid-off car?  Is it the obvious, depressing reason- because you want a new one to show well for your neighbors?  It's like we are addicted to making payments.  If the car is in such good shape that Carvana wants to offer you $16,000 why don't you JUST KEEP DRIVING IT YOU MORON?

Skechers are weird, and this doesn't help

 

One day, someone decided to make slippers that could be worn outside.  On that same day, we collectively decided that the Hardest Thing To Do Ever was putting shoes with laces on our feet.  It was like our 10,000 year Nightmare was Over and we had been rescued from the Agony that is Bending Over and Putting On Actual Shoes and Tying Them. 

Some time later, we decided that Latin Women with explosive tempers are funny and entertaining.  And some time after that, we decided that the whole Outdoor Slippers and Volcanic Latinas should be put into an ad to be shown during a Very Very Important Football Game because Reasons.