Jeep, Patriotism and Emergency Room Visits just go together

 

Jeep is "America's most patriotic automobile brand" despite being owned by an Italian car company better known for producing buggy, unreliable junk since the 1990s.  

But I can see how Jeep and Patriotism still go together.  Being Patriotic has always been about sacrifice.  During World Wars I and II, Americans were asked to limit their consumption of meat, grow their own food in Victory Gardens, recycle grease, tin cans and paper, and take that vacation fund and use it to buy War Bonds instead.

During World War II sugar was highly rationed and good luck trying to buy a new set of tires for the family car (which you were NOT going to be taking for Sunday drives until the Nazis were put down once and for all.)  You were supposed to carpool and even the ladies were expected to Do Their Part in the munitions factories.  Again- it was all about Sacrifice.

Well, buying a Jeep certainly allows the modern generation to share that sense of sacrifice.  When you buy a Jeep, you'll be sacrificing a large chunk of your paycheck to the local mechanic.  You'll be sacrificing hours of your life to sitting in that mechanic's waiting room, hoping this time the drain on your wallet is only MILDLY Patriotic (you need a new battery) rather than Uber, Huge Flag-Waving Patriotic (you need a new transmission on your Stellantis Crapbox despite the fact that it's still under 50,000 on the odometer.)  

If you're really lucky, the Jeep won't force you to experience some of that Patriotism when you're trying to get your child, who has just lost three fingers having fun with the Almost As Patriotic Firework Pack included, to the emergency room.  Maybe this time it WON'T Patriotically conk out on the highway while she's keeping pressure on the stump to keep from bleeding to death.  If it doesn't, well, you'll have plenty of time to demonstrate your sense of Patriotism later- maybe by flying a huge American flag from the truck bed as you drive through a shallow creek, or something.  You can pretend you're hitting the beach at Normandy to ramp up the Patriotism Factor as your child provides the blood to bring the experience to life. 

FreeCash App. Why is this even legal?

 

So a slim woman walks up to a morbidly obese woman like a freaking drug dealer and starts blathering about- a fitness program?  A diet?  Ozempic?  Naw- she's here to pitch a stupid app that encourages you to spend hours sitting on your butt playing a brain-rotting game, ostensibly by promising to pay you to play it.  Then we see that the pitch is successful- the morbidly obese woman, instead of going to the gym or taking a walk is spending an evening sitting in a dark room staring at a phone playing some Candy Crush knock-off, a game "she already enjoyed playing."  The difference is that now she's being encouraged to be sedentary by the promise of a few pennies of Amazon credit she can use to buy- is that a Fitness watch?  How ironic would THAT be?

This Icotyde Ad HAS to be AI*

 

*Not the unicorn passing the window of the doctor's office as if that office is in a suburban home or something.  I mean, seriously, what the hell?  No, I'm referring to the "people" in this ad, who talk and act exactly as if they were generated by some low-cost Artificial Intelligence provider.  

For example, what doctor would say something like "I've got good news" like a freaking robot reciting a script, especially when referring to a new drug he's prescribing?  

"I've got good news."

"Oh, my condition is no big deal and will clear up with an improvement in my diet and time?"

"Um, no.  The good news is that I'm prescribing a brand new drug that just hit the market and which I can't possibly have any real data on concerning it's success rate on patients with your symptoms."

"So the good news is....that it's covered by my insurance?"

"Well, yes.  If it wasn't covered by your insurance, I wouldn't be prescribing it."

The unicorn passing by the window?  That's not a symptom.  That's the drug that is both beneficial and covered by insurance.  You know- the ultimate Unicorn.

T-Mobile's "free" iPhone offer- what they "forgot" to tell you

 

Seems simple enough- just switch from your current carrier to T-Mobile and the people at T-Mobile will be so thrilled to get your $50 a month that they'll GIVE you a thousand-dollar iPhone ("on us," as they put it.)  What's not to like?  Better take advantage of the deal before T-Mobile wakes up and realizes that they are paying a very high price just to add a new customer and it will literally take YEARS for them to break even on the deal, if you even stay with them that long....

Oh, wait.  The phone is a basic 17, and you can get UP TO $830 in CREDITS when you sign up, AFTER you pay the sales tax on the full retail value of the phone....and the credits will come with each phone bill, locking you into your contract with T-Mobile, as if you cancel before the phone is paid off (yeah, by now I hope you've figured out that you aren't actually getting a free phone, just a phone on a monthly installment plan) you'll be handed a bill for the balance...and let's not forget the $35 connection charge, $35 being a number decided in a boardroom that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the actual cost of "connecting" you to T-Mobile's service (that actual cost is, coincidentally, NOTHING.)

In short, get a stripped-down phone at a discount which goes up in proportion to the number of bells and whistles you add to your service.  This is a pretty blatant bait-and-switch that probably sounds good to Stupid People but really ought to be obvious to anyone who has ever seen the inside of a High School. 

Let's get one thing straight- no company is giving anything away, ever.  That's not how Capitalism works- hell, it's not how Economics works.  If T-Mobile is ready to hand me an iPhone, T-Mobile has figured out how to get me to pay for it in a way that makes me look like I'm getting something for nothing.  Except that I don't buy Apple products so I'm not playing- plus, I've seen the inside of a High School.

Bill O'Reilly knows that brains can be TOO relaxed

 

I won't take supplement advice from Doug Flutie or Frank Thomas.  I'm certainly not taking supplement advice from a guy who thinks that the tidal schedule is some kind of Unsolved Mystery.  But I absolutely believe that O'Reilly is giving actual personal testimony here and not just picking up a quick buck as a pitchman.  O'Reilly's brain is in a permanently relaxed state.

Toyota's Summer of Debt

 

Here at Berlin City Toyota of Portland (wow, couldn't fit a few more words into that title?) there's never been a better time to sign up for multiple years of debt to drive a truck you don't need to impress people you don't know while spending money you don't have!

Come in today with thousands of dollars down (why not borrow it?  It's America 2026, so no one will even blink at the prospect of borrowing a down payment!) and sign on the dotted line, locking yourself into a contract of six, seven or even EIGHT YEARS of payments on a truck that will be worth roughly 20 percent less than you paid the moment you drive it off the lot.  A truck that will NEVER be used for ANY of the things we show it being used for in the ad because you will desperately try to keep it looking new for as long as possible to mask the intense regret you feel for this stupid impulse buy!

Do it NOW, because these things are flying off the showroom floor, honest!  It's not that we are desperate to clear them out before the 2027 models arrive just after Labor Day, making these look like old garbage to your neighbors!  Never mind that waiting six months and buying last year's version of exactly the same truck will save you thousands in depreciation!  SIGN UP FOR DEBT NOW because 

it's what the salesperson working on commission desperately needs from you the smart thing to do!

Two Questions about this stupid RaceTrac Pizza Commercial

 

(Although I must say, I feel kind of weird even commenting on one of these ads.  I mean, it's for a company that proudly calls itself "gas station pizza."  That's about as self-effacing and ghetto as you can get.)

(Also, sorry about the extra step required to view the ad.  There are other RaceTrac ads I AM allowed to link to directly, but not this one.  I'll probably revisit this company in the future, though.  These ads are pretty funny.)

1.  The woman in this ad flies awkwardly to RaceTrac to get pizza, I guess- and we see her levitate over to the Standard Mostly-Water-Advertised-as-Soda Fountain to get a cup of ice and water and a little soda.  But when she gets to the register, she's got pizza and two bottles of Coke and no fountain drink in sight.  Check the cameras, RaceTrac.  This woman guzzled a fountain drink and tossed the cup without paying for it.  Maybe that explains the weird look on her face; it certainly suggests to me that she's trying to convince the clerk that she's NOT trying to get away with something.

2.  If you find yourself happily sitting in the front seat of your car devouring a gas station pizza by yourself, your life has taken a sad, dark turn and I promise you it's not too late to change direction and get it together.  Life is too short to be like this, buddy.  It's going to be even shorter if you keep consuming RaceTrac (or any other gas station) pizza.