Some advice for the woman in this Allstate Commercial

 

Since she seems to be at a college football game, and college football games are played almost exclusively on Friday night or Saturday, and it's not nighttime, your boss "Jeff" expects you to work on the weekend and you have to come up with a lame excuse to have a life outside of work?

Next time, don't call in sick.  Just tell Jeff that you will not be working this Saturday because you plan to attend a football game- no, actually, leave that part out.  Just say you wont' be working this Saturday.  It's none of Jeff's damn business why.

If Jeff calls you on a day you've taken off, don't answer the phone.  You work for Jeff; he doesn't own you.  NEVER answer your phone when it's your job and you are not at work.  When you do, you are letting your job commit time theft and trust me, Jeff will not be giving you brownie points.  He expects you to answer because in the past, you've always been a good corporate doggie.  

If you do answer the phone out of force of habit, don't project the mannerisms of a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  You and Jeff are both adults, and Jeff is not your Dad, and you are not a child.  If Jeff asks where you are, tell him that you are NOT at work and that is all Jeff needs to know.  Stand up for yourself, you ridiculous cringing simp.

Oh, and your Social Media?  Get over your Main Character Syndrome- not because it might hurt you on the job, but because you are nothing special and nobody really cares what you are doing 24/7.  But for chrissakes stop acting like you were "caught" being "naughty" by going to a freaking game.  What the hell is with people these days?

Not a good ad for Oregon

I don't blame Oregon for rolling up the score- after two poor performances, one of which they lost, they fell from No. 6 to No. 21 and the only chance they have of getting back into the Playoff is by bombing out as many opponents as they can for the rest of the season. That's the sad nature of the ranking system- it heavily discourages removing good players from the field when the game is out of reach. It's why we see starting quarterbacks still in the game when their team is up 50-0 with five minutes left. Beating unranked teams by four touchdowns or more is kind of required, especially if you've knocked yourself out of the top 12 with an actual LOSS against one.

That being said, there is ZERO excuse for the preening and posing and celebrating while beating up an obviously outmatched team. This is NOT required by the ranking computers. Oregon doesn't get any more consideration because it's players danced after scoring yet another touchdown against a local squad manned by kids who are NOT playing for a spot in the playoffs, let alone for the eyes of NFL scouts.

This would be like NFL players celebrating every score in a game against a High School squad. Disgusting behavior. Oregon should be ashamed. Yes, win the game and win it by as many points as you can but if you can't bring yourself to do it because it's a Job that Must be Done without rubbing your opponent's faces in it, well, something is seriously wrong with you guys.

What Optima won't tell Eric- or anyone else

 

Let's get this straight right off the bat:  I do not care for Eric.  Eric is an entitled, whiny tax cheat who thinks he's being persecuted because the IRS is not allowing him to skate on his tax responsibilities.  Hey Eric- I'd own a lot more property if I didn't pay my fair share, too.  

Eric is super-thrilled because after contracting with Optima Tax Relief, he got his tax bill of $15,000 settled for $3500, which he probably paid by borrowing against that nice house being a tax cheat got him.  Warms the heart, doesn't it?

But here's what Eric wasn't told:  First, for a $200 fee he could have applied for an IRS Offer in Compromise, which -- if Eric was indeed facing financial hardship-- almost certainly would have resulted in a reduction in his taxes owed.  Maybe not what Optima promises, but a reduction nonetheless. And without those heavy Optima Tax fees.

On average, in exchange for that $11500 reduction in his taxes, Eric would also be paying out between $2000 and $3000- and possibly as much as $7000- to Optima Tax Relief in fees (just getting started costs between $300 and $500 which he would not get back if OTR got a reduction of even one penny as a result of it's "work" on Eric's "behalf.")  So if Eric gets that total tax bill reduction cut from $15000 to $3500, he will have to add at least $2500 and possibly as much as $7000 to that bill, substantially reducing the windfall created by using OTR.

Let's split the difference and say that Optima charges him $3500, and his tax bill to the IRS is $3500.  That's still half what he owed- and now we get to the REAL "missed" information; that saved $7500 counts as income, Eric.  You're going to have to declare that, Eric, when you file those taxes I assume you're going to actually file now rather than going right back to your scummy criminal ways, Eric. 

I bet you didn't realize this and Optima didn't tell you because it's not their job to tell you, Eric. 

In the end, assuming everything goes exactly as Eric hoped, maybe he ended up saving $5k.  But it's entirely possibly that Eric could have saved much, much more- by NOT calling Optima Tax and calling the IRS instead.  I suspect that Eric didn't do this either because he was truly ignorant of the IRS's programs designed to help people pay their taxes or because he wasn't willing to put his ill-gotten gains at risk through a serious audit and an honest, responsible payment plan.

Either way, you suck Eric and I really hope that when January came around and you realized you had to pay taxes on the forgiven debt, you didn't have it and had to take out another loan.  In any case, I have no doubt that you went right back to cheating the moment you realized that it was even slightly profitable.  Enjoy being a famous bum.

That Chase Young Capitalist Commercial

 

I get the idea:  girl is ambitious and energetic and serious about wanting to get the very most of her money by investing.  So serious that she opens a brokerage account because she realizes that doing what us Boomers did- opening a regular savings account- doesn't work nowadays any more than it actually worked back then (yes, the whole passbook savings accounts/ school savings plan thing really was a scam and definitely NOT the way to save money.)

What I DON'T get is the surly look surgically applied to this girl's face during the entire ad.  I think it's supposed to be "serious."  But it just comes off as nasty and prematurely elitist, like she's Above the Herd because she likes money and likes the idea of turning money into more money.  It's easy to imagine her firing her crew of lawn-mowers because they have a Pee Wee baseball game to get to, it's mom's birthday, or there's a major math test at school tomorrow.  Or they want to start a Union. 

Again- I get what Chase is TRYING to do here.  But there's just no reason why "thinking about the future" and "being intentional with money" needs to translate to "humorless" and "old before one's time."  Kid, you're still a Kid.  Good for you for thinking about the future.  But maybe get that stick out of your ass and enjoy the present and don't take yourself so damned seriously.  You've got plenty of time to be a Good Little Corporatist Vulture.  For now, how about enjoying something about life that doesn't involve feeding the machine?

This idiotic Hilton "Extra Towels" Commercial

 

1.  Why does it take two people to deliver extra towels to the room?  One person to actually carry the towels and another to tell the customer that these are, in fact, the extra towels they ordered?  Is this why the room is so expensive, Hilton?

2.  Who is going Without because an unlimited amount of extra towels is being made available to this one room?  Does Hilton just HAVE an infinite supply of towels stashed away somewhere?  Every single one of these towels will have to be laundered for the next guests.  Going to be hiring more help to get that done, Hilton?  

3.  Why is this commercial running twice during every commercial break of the college football game I have on in the background?  What's with the oversaturation?  Once was too many.  Once every break is too many.  Twice during every commercial break is, I believe, a War Crime as defined by the Geneva Convention.

4.  Why is everything and everyone on tv so stupid?  Why does every ad have to assault our common sense and braincells like this?  I'm pretty sure it wasn't always the case.  What happened?  

DriveTime is StupidTime

 

All of these DriveTime commercials have one thing in common- the laser-like focus on the monthly payment.

Know what kind of customer actually obsesses over the monthly payment of a car that they are interested in?  The kind of customer who is terrible at math, terrible at planning, terrible at budgeting, and 100 percent invested in Living for Today.

There's another DriveTime ad in which the phrase "Monthly Payment" is uttered three times in less than 15 seconds.  When I find it I will definitely comment on it, because that's even more cringe than this garbage.  

Of course, the number that really matters is the FINAL PURCHASE PRICE OF THE CAR.  It's a number we pretty much never see in DriveTime ads.  If asked, DriveTime would explain that it's because the final price depends on....the monthly payment chosen by the consumer. 

Because what they NEVER TELL YOU is that the smaller the monthly payment, the HIGHER THE INTEREST RATE CHARGED SERIOUSLY PEOPLE THIS IS NOT COMPLICATED AND YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. 

Instead, DriveTime shows us the cool Monthly Payment Slide Bar you get when you download the app.  Look, you can decide how much extra hidden interest you want to pay by keeping that monthly hit low you want to pay per month to live an economic lie represented by a vehicle.  In short, that sliding bar exists to do the job car salesmen used to do- to convince you to buy a car you have no business buying. 

Let's illustrate this.  Let's say that one of these idiots really really wants that Crossover with a sticker price of $40,000.  You don't have $40,000 but you do have decent credit, so you look at financing at 6% for 48 months (until a few years ago, that was the length of the average new car loan.)  You move that little blue bar on your app, and find that your monthly payment is - $939.  For four years, at the end of which you will have paid just over $5000 in interest.

Ouch, you say.  "I can't afford that," you say.  "I had better look for something more reasonable," you DON'T say.  Because you've got that app with the little blue bar, which you now pull to the right to magically stretch out your loan lower that monthly payment.

Hey look!  With a single touch, you've dropped that monthly payment to $705.  MUCH more manageable, NOW we're talking, NOW we've got a deal!  So what if your payments have been extended to 72 months instead of 48, and you'll be paying $10,000 in interest instead of five.  The only thing that matters is the Holy Monthly Payment, right?

This is how they get you.  Because it looks easy.  It looks simple.  The screen is too small to show the details, not that they have any interest in showing the details.  It's all about getting you comfortable and convinced you can afford it.  $705 is less than $939, where do I sign?

Some people live on an economic razor's edge because they are underpaid and exploited by a system designed to extract labor out of them for as little return as absolutely necessary.  And then there are these people, who are determined to put themselves into terrible economic traps through impulsivity and blissful ignorance.  Guess which group I don't have an ounce of sympathy for?

It's Friday, September 11. Pick your Poison

 

You can either watch ESPN's usual wankfest over these two over-exposed, overrated idiots, who have inexplicably been given an entire broadcast on ESPN 2 to toss scripted banter at each other for three hours while the game plays in a side panel...or a morbidly obese fascist convicted felon draft dodger wearing a Made in China baseball cap pretend he knows how to salute in between bringing the prestige of the United States to new lows...or you can watch FOX, CNN, etc. remind you of your Duty to Remember 9/11 by Doing Something (I think "remembering" is actually enough as long as it's done in a showy fashion involving kneeling, praying, weeping....)  OR, getting back to ESPN, you can watch that 60-minute glurgefest revisionist "9 innings at Ground Zero" or whatever it was called which tries to convince us that there was a week in the fall of 2001 when we were all Yankees fans and I WASN'T on the edge of my seat pulling for The Great Mariano to blow it and I WASN'T thrilled out of my mind when he did (#theterroristswon.)  

In any case, it's been a rough day.  I won't be around for Anniversary #50 and I'm good with that.  When the best option was watching two Mannings get licked up and down by "America's Premier Sports Network," you know the options were AWFUL.

I'm going to go read a book now.