Monday, July 13, 2009

And I thought Doogie Houser was Implausible

A child who can't be more than five or six years old walks into a dark bedroom carrying a bowl of Cheerios. He wakes his father up, apparently just by standing next to the bed.

"What's up, sport?" says Sleepy Dad. "You need to eat this its good fo' yo' hawt" says Adorably Precocious Little Boy.

"Have you been reading the Cheerios box again?" asks Equally Sleepy Mom.

Um, ok. It would be impressive enough if this little kid managed to get his dad a bowl of Cheerios and bring it into the bedroom without leaving a mess everywhere. But we are supposed to believe that this amazing little prodigy was inspired to bring his dad cereal at 5 AM by what he read on the back of the cereal box?

Here's what the back of the box says, by the way, word for word:

"The Cholesterol Countdown begins today! Did you know that in just 6 weeks Cheerios can reduce bad cholesterol by an average of 4 percent? Cheerios is the only leading cold cereal clinically Proven to lower cholesterol. A clinical study showed that eating two 1 1/2 cup servings daily of Cherios cereal reduced bad cholesterol when eaten as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol."

Oh wait, you say. Maybe the kid read the SIDE of the box, where the information is spooned out in words a little kid can understand. Let's check out what the side panel says about Daddy's hawt:

"Oh, what a difference Six Weeks makes! In the time it takes for your new couch to arrive, you'd be sitting at a more comfortable cholesterol level. By the tie you'd read that novel cover to cover, you could start a new chapter in heart health. Of in the time it takes your child to finish her Shakespeare report, you could report a healthier cholesterol level. And just think, between oil changes you could give your heart health a great tune up."

Oh sure, I can totally see a five or six-year-old absorbing this kind of information and then deciding to take it upon himself to help Daddy start down the road to better cardiovascular health. Maybe he's put on a pot of green tea and called Fresh Fields to order a crate of Pom Wonderful, too. Later, he'll make an appointment for his dad to see the doctor to ask if Vasacor is right for him.

Come on. When I was this kid's age, MAYBE I could get my own cereal for breakfast. MAYBE I could do it without making a mess of the kitchen. And MAYBE I read a bit of the box- to find out if there was a toy inside. But of course, I wasn't a little genius like this little boy, who already knows what "Cholesterol" is and why it's bad, and even manages to make the connection between eating Cheerios and having a healthy heart even though the box never actually makes that connection.

Cheerios is the original "finger food." That implies a little knowledge of little kids and how they think and function. There's no hint of that knowledge in this commercial, which assumes a huge vocabulary for a kid who looks like he's still a candidate for training pants. Weird.


  1. I hate this commercial, too. "We got to get some cholesterol off you." WTF. Bring me a beer, kid.

  2. See, what happened is this kids's parents saw the infomercial for "Your Baby Can Read", signed up, and turned him into a readin', writin', quotin' MACHINE. Then he repaid the favor by using his new skills to do something his parents had not -- read the Cheerios box, understand the implied connections between eating the product, reducing cholesterol and lowering the chance of a heart attack, and deciding to act on his own initiative in his father's best interest. TOTALLY plausible.

  3. Can you imagine the nightmare this poor guy's life is going to be- whenever he opens a beer or a bag of fritos, he's going to have his little boy hammering him with a fricking guilt trip- "Daddy that's gonna hurt your hawt," "Daddy that's gonna put cholesterol on you!"

    First step to ending this nightmare, dad: ban birthday cakes in the home. And trips to McDonalds. And trick or treating. That will get the know it all little smartass off your case fast enough.