Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Continuing Adventures of AT&T Boy and Harpy Jellyfish-Spine Mom

The voice from the back seat simpers "hey mom, I need some more minutes." Naturally, he's holding his cell phone, which I think are now being surgically connected to the palms of anyone under the age of 30, for a small fee. For convenience.

Harried, clearly on-the-brink-of-a-nervous-breakdown-if-this-kid-pushes-just-one-more-button mom spins like Linda Blair in The Exorcist and snaps "What? I just gave you some back at the restaurant!"

", those were old. I threw them away."

Well, we know the rest, don't we? A tape recorder in mom's head goes off, and she proceeds to give the same speech she's given in at least three other commercials about how the "old minutes" (still represented by little plastic clocks) are just as good as "new minutes," and how other people (starving children in China, perhaps?) would consider themselves lucky to have the old minutes....only this time, Worthless, Apparently Stoned Ungrateful Choad Son interrupts by parotting "Saving Minutes Saves Money, I know."

Mom glares at son. Stoned son stares blankly at mom. Mom stares at son. Stoned son stares blankly at mom. Mom stares at son- and actually appears on the verge of bursting out laughing- maybe these commercials are getting to this actress, who is on the verge of being typecast. Stoned son stares blankly at mom.

All this while, Younger Son does nothing but give a sympathetic glance at his older brother- might as well say "Oh Christ, here goes mom being a total bitch about her minutes, again. God she's lame!" And Unseen Dad, presumably driving the car, says nothing- which means he's as helpful in dealing with this ongoing problem as he is in all the other commercials.

Will someone PLEASE get SNL to do a parody of this commercial? Because I really need to see this woman take that fucking cell phone out of the kid's hand and toss it out the goddamn window. Or, failing that, order Unseen Dad to turn the fucking car around and go back to the restaurant, so mom can drag her Stoned Son into the manager's office and ask him to put Stoned Son to work washing dishes- because, you see, Stoned Son needs more minutes and thinks money grows on fucking trees.

Seriously, I've had more than enough of the Battle of Wills between an Alleged Head of the Family and her Asshole Son who can't stay within the confines of the Family Plan. And the truly pathetic thing is, AT&T's "solution" is to just sign up for their Unlimited Plan, so your worthless slacker kids can Tweet and Twitter and Roam and Surf and Text and Gab their fricking fingers off without annoying you with their presence, or a big bill.

AT&T continues to hate people, and I continue to hate AT&T. ESPECIALLY these commercials.


  1. "They're ROLLOVER minutes!"

    It would be fine with me if I never again had to see that screeching mother, spineless father, or super snotty overprivileged kid who thinks his parents' money is an endless supply -- by the way, is it just me, or is that "kid" about 25 years old now?

  2. I'd like to know why she even bothers with the speech anymore. The kid couldn't make it more obvious that Yes, he understands what she's saying, and No, he has zero intention of changing his behavior in the slightest.

    And mom has made it just as clear that Yes, she's angry, and No, she has zero intention of doing anything beyond giving the same toothless lecture over and over again. So these people understand each other perfectly. What a happy family.

  3. PS- yes, that kid certainly looks old enough to- I don't know- get a job and pay for his own cell phone plan by now?

    Instead, the parents reward his obstinate wastefulness by taking him out to dinner at a restaurant- perfect.

  4. Imagine this conversation-

    "Hey mom, I need some money..."

    "What? I just gave you five dollars back at the restaurant."

    ", that bill was old and wrinkled. I threw it away."

    Met with an impotent glare, of course.

  5. If it was an old and wrinkled bill the GEICO gecko would doubtless have put it in the vending machine to get a bag of "crisps."

  6. The one I really hate is where the guy runs out of the restaurant, falls to his knees in the rain, and screams in existential angst "Nooo"! A waiter explains to an entering patron that the man is in a dead zone : can't twitter, text, update Facebook. Well, la dee fuckin' dah! Can't go without your cell phone for one meal? I hope you die!

  7. I have students who tell me they'd rather die than give up their cell phones. I almost think they mean it. It's heartbreaking.

  8. Let 'em, John. If you'd rather die than go without your phone for sixteen consecutive seconds... well, let me know what you want your epitaph to be.

  9. OMG guys - get a life! It's just a commericial!

  10. OMG Deborah- get a life! It's just a blog!