Sunday, August 2, 2009

KGB: Because You STILL Aren't Using Your Cell Phone Often Enough!

A guy is standing in his yard, surrounded by friends and what looks to be some kind of physician doing an examination of his condition. The guy appears to be frozen.

"He's suffering from brainlock" announces the "physician."

"He was trying to remember who played first base for the Red Sox in 1986" a girl suggests helpfully.

Grooannn...stop right there. Of all the stupid things to get "brain freeze" if anyone, ANYONE who knows ANYTHING about baseball could suffer "brain freeze" on the question "Who played first base for the Red Sox in 1986?" At LEAST the question could be "who was Bill Buckner's defensive substitute?" I can see missing THAT. But BUCKNER? Oh well....

"Physician:" "Buckner." And the guy unfreezes. Problem solved.

The commercial is for something called "KGB" (it's not just a brutal police force operated by a totalitarian Communist state anymore!") which offers to answer dumbass questions like this for you if you just use the cell phone you already have stapled to your palm to text it to 542542. Yes, there's a fee involved. Yes, if you just give yourself a couple of seconds or- hey, here's a concept- actually ASK A HUMAN BEING IN THE VICINITY, you can probably get the answer without texting or paying a fee. Yes, any answer available through KGB is also available through a 10-second Google search. But KGB gives you another excuse to whip out your cell phone and start developing that third layer of callouses on your thumbs!

And that's what drives me nuts about this commercial. It's not enough that "tweeting" went from rather silly non-activity to common practice adopted by CNN in about five minutes. It's not enough that we've been made to believe that if we don't have streaming video and XM radio and this "Ap" and that "Ap" with our phones, they are just paperweights that will leave us showing poorly to our friends. Now we are being told that any time we can't remember something, we should abandon the old-fashioned methods of thinking for a few minutes or asking someone (after all, the latter might start a CONVERSATION with a person who is ACTUALLY THERE- a conversation carried out without the use of cell phones, is such a thing stil possible??? Is it really conceivable that no one at this little lawn party knew the answer to this guy's "brain freeze" question?) and instead go right to our electronic security blankets. Because God Knows we don't ever, EVER want to debate or discuss ANYTHING with ANYONE, EVER, right?

Not to mention that in this economy, who WOULDN'T mind dropping a quick dollar or two every time it takes you more than a few seconds to remember something? After all, thinking makes my brain hurt. Not knowing is bad and wrong. Instant Gratification- that's where it's at!

So the next time you can't remember who won the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1988, for God's Sake do NOT ask someone in the same room. Do NOT give it any thought at all. Just text away- it's probably what you were doing anyway. And when you look up and you find yourself alone, breathe a sigh of relief that there's now no chance that your texting will be interrupted by one of those organic life forms you are forced to share the planet with.


  1. Sunday, I was trying to think of the actress/singer who played Catwoman on the '60s "Batman" series. Blanked for a couple of minutes, them my brain shouted to me "Eartha Kitt"! No cellphone in sight.

  2. Yeah, but those are a couple of minutes you'll never get back! Now, if you had used your cellphone, you could have had the answer in...well, a few minutes. And you would have been out some money. But you would have used your cellphone, which would have made you warm and happy inside, right?

  3. Have you seen the commercial where the stylish couple with the "apps"-friendly phone show off said apps to their non-stylish, overweight-guy friend who asserts that he only uses his phone to [shock!] make calls? But we hear his thoughts, which reveal that he wants that phone and will steal it if they put it down? I'm blanking on the brand name (ha ha, you wasted your ad $!), but it's definitely annoying and snark-worthy.

  4. The other KGB ads are equally ridiculous. "What's a stranger team mascot than an aardvark?" "Well, Podunk U. has a boll weevil." "Yeah, a weevil, sounds good."

    Of course, that's not only a stupid question, it's an OPINION one. Who says a weevil is stranger than an aardvark? What are the comparison criteria?

    And as for needing a daiquiri recipe (in yet another KGB ad?, can't the two insipid, lazy women in bikinis on lounge chairs get off their gold-plated asses, go to a computer and look it up? Or go to a library? Or call a bar?

  5. Yeah, hating the cool couple v. chubby friend commercial. YES, dumb to use a phone for calls!

  6. Anyone else think that the obesity epidemic in the US, which has exploded since the late-90s in particular, just MIGHT be connected to the over-indulgence in cell phone use? Just a thought.

  7. This is why I don't want a cell phone any more than I want a credit card; I don't need an electronic leash any more than I need to take out a bank loan to buy toothpaste.