It's summertime, which in the immortal words of Otto on The Simpsons means "three months of Spaghetti-O's and Daytime TV!" It also means that I get a chance to see a certain type of commercial that during the school year I would miss- the type aimed at Stay-At-Home moms. The commercial I'm going to snark on today played during "The View," which was unfortunately playing on the only television at the gym. Though it makes for good material, I think I would have rather missed this one.
It's a cartoon. Lots of daytime tv commercials seem to be cartoons- apparently ad agencies have convinced the makers of diapers, fabric softeners, and absorbent towels that stay-at-home moms are basically big children who react well to colorful animation and pretty music. It's an ad for Charmin Bath Tissue (which we in the real world refer to as "toilet tissue," but whatever) and it features a little pink bear who has apparently done something to displease his mom- he's "used the restroom" (in as much as there are restrooms available for bears in the woods) but the cheap toilet paper he used left pieces of the stuff attached to his butt.
Stay with me. I haven't even reached the bad part yet.
Momma Bear- who is also pink and is absolutely enormous- hands Little Bear a roll of Charmin and directs him to "try again." (At this point, I really wish I was dead. Or back in school. Anything to avoid this horror.) Little Bear proceeds to squat behind a tree which is equipped with a roll of Charmin. I wish I was kidding. We are supposed to imagine that Little Cartoon Bear is defecating behind Tall But Not Quite Wide Enough Dammit Cartoon Tree.
Little Bear presents himself for Momma Bear's inspection- and (why did God curse me with eyes?) we see that Little Bear still has a few scraps of paper attached to his butt, but they quickly fall off with a few shakes. Momma Bear is sooooo pleased with Little Bear.
Message I got from this commercial: Yes, Bears do shit in the woods, just like the old joke says. But most "bath tissue" leaves pieces of paper attached to the user (seriously? I had no idea.) Charmin magically seperates itself from your butt, even (I guess) if it's covered with fur. The makers of Charmin think that SAHMs are brain-dead children. The makers of Charmin also hate me and don't care that they make me long for Labor Day and a return to 9-hour days teaching, so I don't have to risk accidental exposure to this dreck again.
What happened to Mr. Whipple, that guy addicted to squeezing Charmin yet dedicated to preventing others from doing the same? I miss that guy. Especially now.