Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Garmin Nuvi Phone and Blackberry: United Together to Destroy Civilization

As anyone who has been reading this blog for any time at all knows, Cell Phone commercials are the bane of my existence. I think that most people who own and use cell phones are already clueless, inconsiderate assholes, but if they behave the way they are told they should behave by cell phone commercials, I think it will be time for Western Civilization to basically call it a day.

Garmin has gotten into the biz with it's Nuvi phone. I like Garmin- I have a Forerunner for my wrist to wear when I hike (Harpers Ferry this weekend- amazing weather and views!) and a Nuvi in my car because my sense of direction is, frankly, pitiful. But the way they sell their phone is just repulsive- squeaky, way-too-excited girl tells us "with my Nuvi, everywhere I go, I feel like a local!" (because she can get maps on her phone.) Personally, I don't want to feel like a "local" when I go to a new place. I think finding my way around someplace new is kind of cool. But that's just me. But even worse- "With my Nuvi, I can talk to my friends as I go to meet them!" (because she can touch a button on her car unit and talk hands-free. Gee, thats super. Because you should never, ever shut your hole for even a moment if you can avoid it.) Thanks to the Garmin Nuvi Phone, you can stare at a screen with a map on it instead of taking in the local sights, and you can gab aimlessly with your friends as you drive. Thanks, Garmin.

And this new Blackberry? "Kim has the unlimited calling plan for her family, so now her son can talk all day." SUPER!!! What a great selling point for Kim, or ANY mom out there! Get a phone which allows your kid to TALK ALL DAY! Because know what he's doing now? Unless he's one of those Milky Minutes pricks who don't care what Mommy's phone bill is, he's being deprived of his God-given right to blather and text away his life. Hell, he might even be playing sports or taking walks or having conversations with people who are actually in the same room! Thank God Kim is fixing the situation by getting a plan that lets her kid talk all day! I hope that kid is in my car on Amtrak when I take my 13-hour trip to Vermont next month for the holidays, and he's more interesting than the woman across the aisle from me last year, who called three different people and told them all about her intestinal issues and her strawberry-and-yogurt diet!

Thanks, Garmin and Blackberry, for speeding up the process of turning our country into a nation of pathetic, inconsiderate, self-important losers by encouraging them to spend their days giving themselves brain cancer (please oh please oh please) with their electronic security blankets. I hope the money helps break the fall when you decend to the innermost ring of hell.


  1. Amen, brother. Guess the crickets chirping in their brains scare them so they have to keep blabbing...

  2. I'd rather listen to the pile-drivers hammering away half a mile from my apartment than some oblivious dodo who's taking up the whole sidewalk ranting away about nothing on his cell while I'm trying to walk down the street.