Sunday, November 22, 2009

There's Never Been a Better Time to Blow your Wad on a Bauble

Cute couple skating along on the ice- except, not really: More like girl gracefully skating, while sweet boyfriend with sensitive soul and huge heart who Wants Only To Make Her Happy stumbles, falls, gets up, and grasps a tree branch for support. Oh, how insulin shock-inducing adorable is this? And did I mention that it's all done to the tune of "I Got You Babe?" (Not the Sonny and Cher version- no ad agency EVER uses the original version of any song, after all. In this case, we'll be thankful for small favors.)

Having had enough of this skate-your-way-into-the-sack shit, clumsy doofus guy pulls out a box and hands her the only thing any girl really wants, after all- a piece of rock dug out of the ground by some starving kid in South Africa.

"Now more than ever, you are each other's greatest strength" the disembodied voice-over intones, as we watch the graceful recipient of a shiny stone hug/hold up clumsy, Finally Going to Get Some boyfriend. "The strength of love, forged in a knot."

"Now more than ever.." does the narrator mean "now that you can cross off 'skating' as an activity you enjoy doing together, leaving 'watching tv' and 'having sex' as the only two left?" It sure doesn't mean "during these trying economic times," because seriously, what is it about 10% unemployment that makes this a good time to invest in ancient coal?

"The strength of love, forged in a knot." How about "a shiny stone, surrounded by glittery metal?" Ok, not quite as catchy. And my substitution doesn't really echo the De Beers message: "If he really loved you, he'd buy you the most useless, pointless, showy thing he could find, instead of fucking around pretending to enjoy skating just to get you to put out, already."

And just think, it's not even quite Thanksgiving yet. Almost three full months left before Valentine's Day and the end of the If You Really Cared, You'd Buy Her a Ring, Broach, or Necklace, you Cheap Asshole Annual Nag A Thon. As no summer is warm enough to prevent the coming of autumn, no economy is bad enough to cancel the Stupid Season.


  1. I think this one is actually worse:

    She's afraid of a thunder storm? Seriously? And if she's scared of that, she should be terrified of husband/boyfriend/whomever it is that signed her out of the institution for the day and brought her up the the mountains, because he's a lot creepier than any storm. "I'm here...and I always will be." Yeah, lady...sounds to me like someone wants to kill you and wear your skin.

  2. I hate the commercial where the guy draws a heart in the snow outside his "loved one's" window, draws a heart on the window itself- jesus, it's called "stalking," people. It's not romantic, it's creepy.

  3. We have to deal with the same "Blow your dough on shiny trash and you'll get your end off" nonsense up here too; it's not just you and it's not just me, this is all around the world.

  4. Ron White

    [On DeBeer's diamond slogans] The new slogan now is "Diamonds: Render her speechless." Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds: That'll shut her up... for a minute."

  5. There is actually a witty jewelry store commercial in which a car GPS navigation system acts like a female HAL. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."

  6. 1st Repbulic 13th Star:

    There's a bill-board I have to jog by that shows a diamond ring next to two pairs of feet sticking out of the sheets; it leaves me with the impression that the slogan should be "Diamonds: they help you get her in the sack."

  7. It might be worthwhile to point out that the song "I've Got You Babe" is all about a couple recognizing that they don't have two nickles to rub together- not even enough to pay the rent- but that doesn't matter, because they have eachother.

    I'm not sure how that fits into the message "buy her something shiny and worthless."

  8. Jessica- I agree, that is one dependent little girl in that "thunderstorm" commercial- and one totally creepy, "I'll kill you and myself if you ever try to leave" guy she's with. I'll have to snark on it in the near future.

  9. Funny they skip the "They say our love won't pay the rent, before it's earned, our money's all be spent" line in the song.

    I think the Family Guy take on the DeBeer's commercials might have been the most accurate: