Sunday, November 22, 2009

Verizon Hates Me, Christmas, and West Virginia

"Santa" walks into the dark, cold barn and asks his reindeer if they are "ready" (to travel the world delivering toys, I guess.) Those stupid Verizon "maps" pop up above all the reindeer- but, oops! Blitzen has Inferior Coverage, because he's got AT&T. What a stupid reindeer!

Ok, I just have three questions for the makers of this brain-dead, childhood memory-crushing, manipulative bullshit. First: Why is it important that every reindeer have the same cell coverage? Aren't they going to be hitched together when they pull their sleigh? Is it really going to be necessary for Blitzen to be able to text Dasher mid-flight? I mean, what the hell?

Second: Check out those pop-up maps. Compare the Verizon Map with the AT&T Map. On both, there's this big blank spot sitting like baby spit-up all over West Virginia. So, neither Verizon nor AT&T offer coverage in West Virginia? What is the consequence of this lack of service? Santa just going to skip the Mountaineer State?

Third: I know this is too much to ask, but could cell phone companies please, PLEASE keep their grubby, filthy paws off of our cherished childhood memories? Santa Claus doesn't give a damn what kind of coverage his reindeer have, because they are REINDEER. He doesn't care what kind of coverage HE has, because he's Santa Claus. He wasn't invented to pimp for Verizon.

He was invented to pimp for Coca-Cola. And let's never forget it.


  1. It's also worth pointing out that in those "there's a map" for that ads, the maps in question don't show the actual coverage provided by the respective cellular phones.

    Those maps merely depict the areas where each company is licensed to to business.

    Just because AT&T has a license for one area, or Verizon has one to provide service in another, (or Sprint, T-Mobile, etc.) it doesn't follow that the actual service they provide effectively covers the whole area depicted by the map.

    That makes these ads misleading, to say the least.

  2. THANK YOU! My boyfriend was not as upset over this one as I was. MAGIC REINDEER DON'T NEED TO USE GPS, duh.