The Most Depressing thing about the Kansas City Convention Center...

 

...is that it's the only place to walk around during breaks if you are working at the Kansas City Convention Center.  Of the cities I've visited to grade APUSH essays since 2008- Louisville, Tampa, and now Kansas City- the walking in this city is by far the worst.  At least, it's the worst from the Convention Center, where I will be from 8 to 5 every day for six days next week. 

Louisville has a nice waterfront and a minor league ballpark within a few minutes walk of its Convention Center.  Tampa has an awesome River Walk complete with palm trees.  Kansas City has-- Kansas City.  Yes, there is a nice walking path behind the World War I museum, which is next door to my hotel, which is fine for early evening unless I want dinner, which means I have to plan to be back at the Center more than a mile away.  But during lunch breaks?  Forget it.  The maze of wide hallways within the building is the best I can do unless I want to walk through an ugly gray urban landscape, stopping for walk lights every minute or so.  

Kansas City is where I appreciate the hotel gym the most, and that gets four stars out of four from me at least.  But I do miss taking the air as they used to say and which was one of the real advantages of Louisville and Tampa.  Anyway, I'll be back the second week of June, please enjoy the archives while I'm away.  And click an ad if you are feeling generous; if I'm going to watch commercials, they might as well provide me a little revenue, right?

The Crumbl Cookie Cult is Really Weird

 

Crumbl "Cookies" aren't even "cookies"- they are cakes.  The company called Crumbl Cookies releases a new flavor of cake every single week and ships them out to their cult members....errr, customers, who are so super-dedicated to these thick, heavy piles of sugar that they rush to Reddit and YouTube, etc. to gush all over them whenever a new vid pops up.

These cakes have been compared to "fast fashion"- because the variety is so huge, and because the release dates are always on the way, the fan base locks in to the routine of weekly cookie delivery like wealthy people look forward to the latest clothing showing up.  When I look at the nutrition label, I think of them more like the dependable delivery of drugs right to your door, because oh my god are these things terrible for your body.  Crumbl "cookies" can have up to 900 calories each and are stuffed full of cholesterol and sugar.  They are something you might want to eat on your birthday or as desert on Thanksgiving.  Weekly deliveries?  Ick. 

And if you don't care about your health, well, what about your wallet?  These things run, on average, five dollars each.  Five dollars.  For a COOKIE.  Oh, but you can have them delivered to your door in packs of six for $22.99.  And if you are getting weekly deliveries of six cookies, please tell me that at least a dozen people are going to be helping you consume those cookies. 

The first thing I thought when I saw these cookies was "ok, just another version of Cinnabon."  The average Cinnabon cake has about the same number of calories as one of these Crumbl products.  But it's not a great idea to eat Cinnabon on a regular basis, either.  Yet apparently millions of people adore these cookies, order these cookies, consume these cookies, and FOLLOW these cookies on multiple social media platforms* like they are Taylor Swift or something.  What is the matter with you people?

*check out the comments on this YouTube ad.  Yes, I meant to use the word "cult."  Again- what is the  matter with you people?  It's a freaking overpriced, unhealthy mountain of fat and sugar.  Not the second coming of The Beatles. 

Jeep: The Last Refuge of a Scoundrel*

 

On this Memorial Day Weekend it seems especially fitting to focus on the company that claims that it's overpriced pieces of Junk on Wheels are "Patriotic" because eighty years ago vastly different versions were used to defeat the Nazis or something.

But then again, Jeep is constantly asking us to ignore the fact that these boxes of glitchy garbage get consistently poor ratings across the board and just focus on the word PATRIOT ostentatiously stamped into the side in raised letters.  That and the WWII imagery and the constantly waving American flags are supposed to distract us from the craptacular depreciation numbers and constant breakdowns caused by next-level Planned Obsolescence.  And to ignore the fact that the current Jeep Patriot Sport Whatever is an SUV, not a "Jeep" by any traditional measure.  The only "Jeep" thing about it is the word stamped on the side. 

I could go out today and buy a brand new Jeep Patriot at my local dealer for $54,000.  Or, I could buy a 2016 version with 69,000 miles on it for $9000.  Remember what I said about "depreciation?" Or I could buy TWO brand-new Honda SUVs for the same price.  Or I could just appreciate my current Honda Civic and take a bike ride.  Guess how I'm going to Remember the Fallen this weekend?

*but only if the scoundrel wants to be left stranded while his refuge is in the shop.  Again.

Just a few quick points concerning another US Money Reserve Commercial

 

1.  Katie W. hasn't got the slightest idea what the Director of the US Mint does in his daily job, but it sure sounds like it's something super-important and a responsibility that would only be given to a person who knows a LOT about money.  It probably wouldn't even bother her to know that it's traditionally been a spoils system job given to a party hack in payment of political favors.  It also probably wouldn't even bother her that of the 40 people who have served in the capacity of Director of the the US Mint, Philip N. Diehl is the ONLY one whose image is not available for the Wikipedia page listing past directors- and there's no image on his Wiki page, either.  Makes me wonder if the guy being shown in the ads is an actor....

2.  I notice that the name "Philip N. Diehl" shows up on the screen as a serious, sober-looking Corporate Type out of Central Casting strolls by in front of Probably an Important Government Building Even Though Diehl left his directorship a quarter-century ago but never speaks, leaving a great deal of plausible deniability.  IS that Mr. Diehl?  We aren't actually told.  This is getting weird.

3.  Katie W. thinks that gold coins are unique in that they are "tangible" and obviously thinks they are pretty because look she is playing with them with her grandchildren who are going to find this interesting for another 12 seconds before they remember why they hate visiting grandma.  Property is also tangible, grandma.  

4.  Does anyone believe that if they call the 800 number to discuss the purchase of gold coins, the guy on the other end of the line is going to be a fat, balding, middle-aged man wearing a business suit who has instant physical access to actual gold coins that he can touch and hold up and describe in detail while he has you on the phone?  Is this REALLY how you picture every phone call to US Money Reserve, Katie W?  Do you also think that an actual human being is reminding you to listen carefully because the menu options have changed?  You already have a reverse mortgage because you trust in the integrity of that nice Tom Selleck, guy, don't you?  I mean he's a retired private investigator, he must know all about mortgages, right?

Apple tried to warn us about their iPhone. Decades Ago.

 

It's almost quaint to see an iPhone commercial featuring a voice explaining actually HELPFUL things one can do with their phones, like finding where one parked their car (just keep making the phones easier and easier to use, because that car-finding thing is most helpful to seniors who are, incidentally, the least like demographic to be in the market for an iPhone.)

Of course, this ad is also telling us that as the iPhone improves it will be capable of doing more and more of the thinking for us, allowing our brains to atrophy so we can become more and more dependent on iPhones.  And there will be more and more ways to waste the brain cells we still have playing dumb games with each new update and each new App.

Eventually, we'd get apps for shopping and "gaming" (which used to mean losing an hour playing Candy Crush and Angry Birds but now means losing the rent at DraftKings.)  And ordering takeout at a 30 percent markup.  And watching stuff.  Lots and lots of stuff.  And doing it all while sitting.  Lots and lots of sitting.

Two decades later, I'm not sure that Apple* has improved our lives any, and in fact I'm pretty sure it's been a destructive influence.  But I don't think we get to complain that we weren't warned.  

*maybe a silver lining is that once the tariffs hit, we'll have less money to gamble away?  I'll leave that idea to the weirdos who think that they can find the bright side to every situation.  I'm not one of them.

That Trump Watch Controversy- hand me the box of Kleenex

 

1.  "I liked it because it had the same look as a Rolex Band..." first, how would you know what a Rolex band looks like when you've obviously been purchasing your watches in the Walmart "jewelry" aisle (when it's for a special occasion, like a wedding or a night out at the Golden Corral?)  Oh right, you think it "has the same look as a Rolex Band" because that's what the infomercial told you, and because the voice was that of your Dear Leader From Whom All Blessings Flow, it must have been true.

2.  "I thought that the watch would have the same integrity as the President...." oh, it does, Disappointed Customers.  Exactly the same level of integrity, and not one bit more.  Well, actually, once your watch stops working (any day now) it will still be right twice a day, which is more than you can say for the sexual predator/convicted felon/serial grifter who pitched it to you.

3.  Do I feel even the slightest bit sorry for anyone who sent $650 in for a gaudy piece of junk because it (was supposed to have) Donald Trump's name on it?  No, because Fools and their Money and all that.  I don't care if these people complain about the cost of eggs in the next breath after whimpering that they spent "hard-earned money" on a trinket that lets their neighbors know that they are in the thrall of cult leader who know they are stupid, celebrates that they are stupid, and enjoys nothing more than kicking them in the face to hear them reply "thank you sir may I have another?"*

*You may, indeed, have another.  And another.  And another.  There are still Trump bibles and Trump knives and a thousand other bits of nonsense actually stamped with this clown's actual name that you can purchase to show how....um...."Patriotic"  you are, if "Patriotic" is Latin for "lacking functional brain cells."

Repair Now, Pay Later, Pay More, Stay Poor

 

Here's how this super-helpful company provides "peace of mind" to poor people who live every day with the fear of sudden car repair bills- they offer a plan which stretches repayment options out months or years Just Sign Here Never Mind The Interest Rate You Want Your Car Don't You?

So a poor person whose credit is so lousy that they can't even carry a credit card can use his job as his credit (a phrase I'm sure he's used to from all those trips to the Buy Here Pay Here car dealerships and Payday Loan and Check Cashing offices) and for as little as zero down and an Arm and a Leg in interest can get that car fixed and back on the road in no time.  Yes, you're going to be making bimonthly payments ultimately amount to 2 or 3 times the actual cost of the repair but that's something you can worry about once you are back in the good graces of the credit industry, which will happen as soon as your investment in Powerball tickets finally pays off (it's just a matter of time, law of averages after all.)

This would be funny if it wasn't so sad, but I can't even work up a good closing line for this post.  Let's all just keep on keeping on, I guess, and be glad we're not this guy (if we aren't already this guy.)

FanDuel and that Other Manning Guy

 

This guy won two Superbowl rings and earned tens of millions of dollars as a player and celebrity endorser, but the Greatest Day of his Life was when he won the "Kick of Destiny 3" challenge sponsored by a scammy gambling app.  I guess this is supposed to be funny or entertaining and not at all cringe; we for sure are not supposed to think for even one minute about the people whose lives are being ruined engaging in this "innocent fun."

Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, David Ortiz, Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx, Stephen A. Smith...you are money vampires, and therefore Suck.  Also because you are vampires, you've got blood all over your hands.  But I'm sure the extra handful of money to throw on the already-massive pile is worth it.  Right?

ESPN News, ESPN Bet, and the wonders of Cognitive Dissonance

From ESPN:

Houston Astros right-hander Lance McCullers Jr. said he and his family were the subjects of death threats made on social media after he allowed seven runs as part of a 10-run first inning for the Cincinnati Reds on Saturday night.

A team spokesperson said the Astros notified the Houston Police Department and Major League Baseball security about the threats.

"I understand people are very passionate and people love the Astros and love sports, but threatening to find my kids and murder them is a little bit tough to deal with," McCullers said. "So just as a father, I think there have been many, many threats over the years aimed at me, mostly, and I think actually one or two people from other issues around baseball actually had to go to jail for things like that. But I think bringing kids into the equation, threatening to find them or next time they see us in public they're going to stab my kids to death, things like that, it's tough to hear as a dad."

Notice what is NOT mentioned here (or anywhere in the full article, please feel free to check it out on ESPN.com?)  Any hint that the death threats may be coming from gamblers who have lost money betting on McCullers' appearances on the mound.  No, those threats just couldn't be coming from people who have lost money - they must be from people who "love sports" and "love the Astros" and are just "passionate" about the game.  

Why can't ESPN even acknowledge the gigantic, multi-billion dollar elephant in the room? Well, how could they?  It's a major revenue stream.  And as we all know, it's very easy for people to ignore something obvious if their income depends on their ability to ignore that something. 

Sooner or later, ESPN BET and all of the other gambling platforms- as well as the celebrities who pimped out their credibility to pitch this life-ruining addiction and major league sports across the board- will have blood on their hands and will certainly respond with raised hands, a Pikachu face and a lame "nobody saw this coming, thoughts and prayers" bit of legal boilerplate.  Because in the end, Capitalism is the only real morality and after all check out the very, very fine print at the bottom of all of these commercials.  Butt, Covered.

What the Dick's??

 

1.  Am I supposed to know who this young woman is?  I looked it up, and it turns out that she's an Olympic Gymnast.  Ok.  I'm going to ask again- am I supposed to know who this young woman is?

2.  Am I supposed to believe that a black guy working in the shoe section at a Dick's Sporting Goods would quickly recognize an Asian Female Gymnast like she's LeBron James or Pat Mahomes?  I can suspend disbelief for some advertisements but this is a bridge too far, and we're not even at the worst part of the ad yet.

3.  This woman can do a back flip.  So can this guy, who I'm going to go out on a limb and guess is not an Olympic Gymnast.  She responds to his feat by saying "that's cute," and then enlists CGI to defy gravity and show us once again that American Television is more than willing to toss physics aside in the service of showing up a guy in a contest* with a woman.

What is this ad trying to sell me again?

*a contest he didn't even know he was in.  Without being prompted, this woman just barged in on a guy's work area and did a back flip.  So he showed he could do one too.  Instead of just acknowledging that he could do a blackflip, she decided to use computer magic to grind him into the dirt where I guess he belongs for daring to be able to do a backflip.  Where is the part where I'm supposed to be inspired to buy sneakers or anything else from Dick's Sporting Goods?  I mean, what the hell?

Hey look it's another scummy Home Warranty Ad!

 

This one features the recently-passed George Foreman, who was worth more than $100 million when he died and did not need the check he got shilling for this lousy business, and certainly didn't need to worry about paying for home repairs.  The people who buy in to this nonsense non-coverage certainly DO have to worry about sudden repair bills, and the very last thing they need is to be throwing money away on trash like "Home Warranties" which turn out to be every bit as worthless as Car Warranties (which, by the way, are no doubt sold by the same companies.)

Foreman sold his image to fake not-Medicare insurance, too, proving once again that for some people there is simply no such thing as Enough Money.  I hope he enjoyed the quick payday and it landed with a splash when he threw it on the pile.  Wherever he is, it's doing him precious little good now, isn't it?  Meanwhile, yeah, those appliances will break and that roof will leak.  I suggest a dedicated bank account to deal with such emergencies.  I also suggest you ignore ads like this, regardless of which electric grill salesman is doing the pitching.  

Ford Chose...poorly....*

 

Stellantis- the multinational umbrella corporation for Chrysler which has owned Jeep since 1987 (did you get all that?) produces some of the very worst-rated motor vehicles sold in the United States.  They are built entirely or almost entirely within the United States, which I guess allows Stellantis to peddle their purchase as some kind of patriotic act, complete with a very expensive spokesperson who actually owns a Jeep (along with a lot of other vehicles he can drive when that Jeep is in the shop. Very relatable.)

Besides producing this overpriced crap (the Grand Cherokee seems to be a particularly buggy model) and fending off class-action lawsuits from angry customers, Stellantis also produces such notorious garbage as Fiat and Alfa Romero- all gloss and glitter, no dependability.  The company has become a punchline among car enthusiasts the way Ford (the company, not the actor*) was in the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s...oh heck, it's still a punchline.

*come to think of it, Harrison Ford's last big release was Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, which bombed hard, suggesting that he's no better at choosing film products than in choosing all-terrain vehicles.  I bet the check for doing this ad is more than enough to pay the repair bill when the next piece of plastic on that Jeep breaks, though.

This Wendy's Baconator Ad makes me the opposite of hungry

 

I could go all day, every day, without seeing repeated close-ups of these idiots- or ANY idiots- aggressively biting into greasy hamburgers as if some vendetta against bread and meat is being settled. Why are they attacking these cholesterol delivery systems rather than simply eating them?  And why did one of these guys arrive with the burgers as if he committed a heist instead of just making a quick run to the Wendy's drive-thru?  And who thought that showing these guys attacking their "food" to the sound of orchestra riffs would be entertaining or interesting or make the product look one bit less repulsive?? 

 

Why do they both look so angry?

Why are the bots in the comment section even more obvious than usual?  I mean, come on.  Nobody thinks this ad is good.  Nobody.

So many good questions.  No good answers.

I have a job for this Apple Intelligence Clean Up Photos Option

 

I would like the option to zoom in on this commercial, touch the screen, and have it completely erased from my memory forever.  I didn't ask for this, I don't want this, and I know I'm going to see it again so I'll have to make repeated use of that option because someone over at Apple thought that this was a good idea.

What the actual hell am I even watching this person do?  Why is the other person taking these photos?  Why is the subject of the photos so irritated that the person who managed to hold down her lunch while taking them accidentally showed up in one?  What is the plan once the photos have been taken?  Can I assume they are going to be shared because Everything Is Shared?  But why?  Is that just a dumb question only a Boomer would ask?

I just can't with this ad.*  I need it explained to me, yet I don't want it explained to me.  I'm just going to go outside and shake my fist at a cloud instead.  

*and yes, I know why the comments are turned off.  I'm sure the level of hate was ridiculous and I would not have contributed in any way; I don't care about the sex or gender of these people because it doesn't matter.  This is a garbage ad regardless. 

That Bud Light Superbowl Commercial: Dead Men Drinking

 

Apparently this is why men* work five days a week in offices doing Important Things for Important Companies from roughly the time they are 25 until they are in their mid-60s:  So they can spend their weekends sitting in folding chairs in their driveways drinking watered-down swill until inspired to do something even more pointless and stupid and time-wasting, probably by a combination of the slight beer buzz they are getting,  sun stroke, and a generally lack of interest in anything beyond that cul-de-sac.

So we get a kind of mini-riot in which leaf blowers are used to shoot cans at the houses of the equally vacuous neighbors who of course are instantly shaken out of their Suburban Comas to commit their own acts of vandalism until finally settling down to an afternoon of grilling, drinking and trying not to remember that time in college when they actually thought that their lives might have some level of meaning.  Peyton Manning shows up because of course he does; this is a commercial on American Television running during a sporting event and I'm pretty sure his presence is required in the FCC code.

On Monday morning all of these guys will climb into their Range Rovers, Audis and F-150s and head back to the office for another week of doing Whatever It Takes To Pay for This.  And so it goes.  Until the sweet embrace of death comes for them and nothing of value is lost. 

*I am well aware that we live in a two-income economy, but I also know that in Commercial Land the guy is still the main breadwinner and especially in beer commercials women are just props.