Straight Talk for the Awful People in this Commercial

 

You guys are so damn enamored of your stupid electronic devices that your kids are totally free-range.  In every scene, the kids are jumping around while their alleged "parents" are staring a phone, only getting attention when they seem to be on the verge of destroying another piece of conspicuous consumption.

Then, once the problem of untrained children jumping on furniture is "solved" with the purchase of a trampoline, the "parents" go right back to ignoring those kids- never mind that every single trampoline sold in the United States comes with a warning not to let children play on them without parental supervision.  The "parents" are close enough to notice a seriously hurt child and are holding a device that can connect with emergency services so it's all good, I guess.  I bet these wonderful people are even committed to glancing outside to "check" on the kids during moments the dopamine hits from the entertainment the phone is providing is interrupted.  

I don't understand this mindset at all.  Those children you chose to have are going to be children only for a moment.  This is the time to revitalize your own youth, and build permanent emotional bonds, by engaging with your offspring.  Instead, you choose to act like they are annoyances distracting you from the REAL joy of your life- a freaking phone.  Your priorities are absolutely insane.  Your kids are being denied real parents, and you are denying YOURSELVES the joy of experiencing your children's innocent youthful joy- for this?  

Don't come to me complaining that your kids grew up too fast or, now that they are out of the house, never visit.  You reap what you sow.  Turn the damn phone off.  Turn the damn tv off.  Engage with your kids.  Ok rant over. 

Lincoln's "Summer Invitation" to a very exclusive party

 

I suppose that if the salesmen at Lincoln are going to dress like Euro Trash and carry themselves with the air of high-end jewelry dealers, the customers should show up wearing clothes you'd think would be reserved for dinners at high-end restaurants, so ok.  And because it's 2025, there's no reason for the prospective customer to do anything other than sit in the car, lovingly stroke the steering wheel, and fantasize about actually owning it while appreciating the big screen and all the other bells and whistles that have nothing to do with safety ratings, fuel economy, or all that other stuff everyone used to be concerned with but now apparently nobody is. 

The Lincoln Aviator- so-called, I assume, because it's only slightly smaller than a passenger plane- has a base-model MSRP price of $62000.  The version featured in this ad runs closer to $70k.  So no, I am not going to be getting one of these Summer Invitations.  I'll manage.

...and then the Colonel died and it all went to hell anyway.

 

That should be the final line of this ridiculously maudlin, overproduced ad for ridiculously overpriced, overproduced dead chicken parts.

Kentucky Fried Chicken was the brainchild of a guy who had a vision/dream of making tons of money selling, well, fried chicken to the masses.  He worked very hard to get the spices just right and was "obsessed" (I guess, I mean I'm just using the tagline in this ad) with quality control because he was the face of the company after all.   When I was a kid and I was treated maybe once a year or so to Kentucky Fried Chicken, I thought it was the best food in the whole world and I imagined that when I was a grownup and could eat whatever I wanted I would consume it all the time.

Thing is, KFC's decline in quality in the 21st century is a very well-known, off-repeated story.  I haven't eaten it in at least twenty years, but from what I've heard the chicken is now blander (less fatty, less distinct in taste,) the sides are also dull, stores are notoriously lacking in cleanliness, and the overall value is really lacking.  Yet the prices are extremely high (Kentucky Fried Chicken was ALWAYS an expensive choice for fast food, but when it was known for being tasty that was ok) for smaller, drier pieces that look nothing like the ones seen on TV.  

Simply put, if all this guff about the Colonel is true, he'd probably be ashamed of what has become of his franchise.  Unless KFC is going to pump billions of dollars into restoring the company to it's former glory, these ads are kind of a slap in the face.  Who cares if Colonel Sanders was "obsessed" with quality?  The guy has been dead since 1980, and the people who have been carrying out his "mission" dropped the ball decades ago and don't seem any more interested in bringing my childhood back than anyone else.  Give me a break.

Subaru's Stupid "Dog Approved" Commercial....

 

...and the even worse people who enjoy it (I mean, take a quick look at the comments.  How predictable can you get?  "My dog loves this ad," "This commercial reminds me of my dog," "my dog reacts to this ad and goes to check her own puppies," and on and on and on.  Hand me a freaking barf bag.)

This is just super-cheap, super-manipulative Twee on a Stick.  No actors are needed, so that saves money.  Just put three dogs in a freaking car and run a camera for a few seconds and add music and images and there you are- a group of innocent, clueless animals have been used to sell a car-- by highlighting a ridiculously mundane feature.   You can strap your kid into a car seat in the back of a 2004 Honda Civic, strap an iPad to the back of the passenger seat, and accomplish the same thing.  You don't have to buy an overpriced Subaru for chrissakes.  

And if this car is "Dog Approved," dogs should feel free to buy it.  I mean, I was already sick of getting the opinions of babies and young children when it came to the purchase of a non-asset that depreciates in value the moment it leaves the lot and is a savage money vampire for as long as one owns it.  I do NOT care if "dogs approve" of Subarus because NO DOG HAS EVER PURCHASED A SUBARU AND NO DOG EVER WILL, and if I ever buy a Subaru NO DOG WILL EVER HELP ME MAKE THE PAYMENTS.  

Fabletics, Planet Fitness, and an Unwanted Birthday "present"

 

So this morning I got this email from Planet Fitness: In "honor" of my birthday, here's a chance to pick up an overpriced pair of shorts from Fabletics for $10 instead of the Normal, Perfectly Sane price of $75.  Remember, this is for a pair of shorts.

I can smell a scam from a mile away, but I go ahead and check out the "offer."  Yep, I can pick out a pair of $75 shorts for only $10- but wait, there doesn't seem to be any limit to how many pairs I can order at that price.  I put two random pairs into a virtual basket, check the total and- yep, it comes to $20 plus $6.95 shipping.  Wow, $150 "worth" of shorts for $26.95, that doesn't seem sketchy at all.

I really want to see where the catch is so I go ahead and go to Billing- and there it is, in fine print you could easily miss (though admittedly does include a box you must click) under Terms and Conditions- you know, that thing people usually just skip over and DON'T read.  Clicking the agreement signs you up to some kind of "club" that gives you "access" to regular 80 percent discounts on fitness swag.  Once I join up, I'll have regular opportunities to buy reasonably-priced shorts, shirts, etc. that looks like a huge bargain because of the inflated, I-Bet-Nobody-Actually-Buys-It-At-These-prices.  

The "membership" costs $59.95 a month.  No kidding.  Sixty bucks a month to have the opportunity to buy shorts and tees at a discount.  Oh, but you can "skip" as many months as you want, as long as you go to the website, find the "skip" option, and click it before the 5th day of the month.  Every month.  Which means that there are a LOT of people out there who regularly forget to skip months and find themselves spending sixty bucks accidentally, no doubt encouraging them to go ahead and buy something at a discount so that it's not a total loss.  

Yeah, hard pass, Planet Fitness.  I don't care if you've partnered with Fabletics; my idea of a "birthday gift" is not to get locked into some ridiculous Buyer's Club.  I have enough shorts, I have enough tees, but I don't have enough money to throw it away on this nonsense.  I do have enough sense to read the fine print, though.  Sorry not Sorry.

Golden Nugget and the "Ultimate Casino Experience" Celebration of Addiction

 

When you buy into the idea that the "Ultimate Casino Experience" involves staring at your phone in the dark as you play virtual video games and bet on sports, you have a very serious problem and you need professional help.

I thought the "Ultimate Casino Experience" might involve flying to Vegas, getting a room at a 4-star hotel, and having fun playing some blackjack and taking in a show.  I didn't know it looked a lot like being a dateless addicted loser as obsessed with staring at your phone as any preteen at the mall, at the park, or....well, anywhere, actually.

Showing a bunch of people crowded around the phone or tablet doesn't convince me that online gambling is a social exercise, sorry.  Gambling is a life-ruining addiction more pervasive in 2025 than meth or crack and if it hasn't overtaken alcohol it probably soon will considering how every sporting event is working overtime to get us hooked.  I can't remember the last time I saw a baseball, football or basketball schedule that did not include betting lines, or the last time I watched a pregame or postgame show that was not sponsored by an online gambling company.  I don't think it was more than a decade ago, but it feels like forever. 

Earnin a trip to the poorhouse

 

Remember those old H&R Block Commercials for what were deceptively referred to as "Rapid Refunds?"  You know, where the tax preparer would give you a loan based on your expected tax return and you'd walk out of the office convinced that you'd made a good deal because you "got your money early?  Because you're an idiot who didn't realize that you'd just handed over part of your refund to the tax preparer along with his fee?

Notice all those places offering Payday Loans?  You know, where poor people go to borrow money at outrageous interest rates in order to tide them over until payday, pretty much assuring that they'll stay in debt permanently?  It's basically my Exhibit A for every "it's expensive to be poor" lecture I give.  

Well, it's the 21st century so now we've got Earnin, an app that seems to allow you to access your money as you earn it but which actually just fronts you money in exchange for a small fee tip.  Because budgeting and living within your means and not spending money as it comes in is such a Boomer thing to do.  

What you're not supposed to notice is that you are paying for the "convenience" of having money ahead of payday.  This is absolutely NO different from Rapid Refunds or Payday Loans.  It's just wrapped in an attractive package promising "freedom" and conning you into thinking you're just getting YOUR money as YOU earn it.  It's the opposite of Responsible and the epitome of Stupid.  Which is why it's so popular in this Very Stupid Country. 

By the way, I don't think that these "services" are "preying" on anybody.  Using them is a choice, and I'm not paternalistic enough to think that people should be shielded from making stupid choices.  I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my money, so I have no desire to tell people what to do with theirs.  I just don't want to hear the inevitable whining when this all comes crashing down.  Made, Bed, Lie and all that.  I mean, I AM a Boomer, after all.

That Volkswagen Tiguan "Director" Commercial. Um, what?

 

1.  This guy just plows through a lawn I guess, jumps out and announces "I'm the director."  I guess he's late?  I guess there are no parking lots here?

2.  Wait, he's not a director, he just has a small part in a movie about soccer?  He's playing a referee who doesn't know anything about the sport, but he has at least one line he can't get right on the first take?  I'm sorry but what the hell is going on here?

3.  The actual director doesn't care because he's too busy drooling over the guy's Volkswagen.  Personally, I'd be more interested in why this nobody parked his car there, but this is a commercial for Volkswagen so of course the focus is on the allegedly awesome, allegedly expensive-looking car.  Thing is, nobody in the history of anything has ever been this impressed by a freaking Volkswagen, so this ad fails again.

4.  "How much are we paying this guy" to show up late and flub a line?  Um, too much.  But we are supposed to believe that we hear the line because the Volkswagen looks like a luxury car that must carry a luxury price tag.  Dude, it's a Volkswagen.  I looked it up- apparently it's named "Tiguan" because that's a combination of the German words for leopard and iguana.  I hope that's true, because the only thing that can make this commercial more unintentionally funny is the idea that a group of people in an office building in Berlin called it a day after coming up with this.  There's not giving a f--k, and then there's "let's just combine leopard and iguana, we aren't curing cancer here."

Medishare- because being a moron with your health is very Christian

 

There is little on TV or radio more cringe than commercials for MediShare, the "Christian Community" that claims to offer "Biblically-based" (gag) "help" in paying medical bills.  

There is so much of this that just reeks of Cult thinking and hatred of the "outsider."  Medishare's "community" consists of people who apparently think that there's something un-Biblical about actual health insurance (do they feel the same way about car insurance?  Are they literally "Jesus take the wheel" types?)  No doubt they shy away from insurance because they don't want to participate in a system that may pay for certain procedures they find offensive- you know, the ones that involve Evil Evil very non-Biblical Family Planning.  So we have this blonde woman who sounds like her head is full of cotton candy and mythology bleating about how Medishare helps her and her family avoid the risk of funding medical care they disapprove of by pooling their cash into a very exclusive fund for Like-Minded Bigots who also bleat "Christian Values" and "Biblical" with sing-song voices and empty smiles.

I'd also like to know what hospitals and doctor's offices think of Medishare.  I've never seen it listed among the actual insurance companies that work with the dentists, doctors, and physical therapists I've dealt with over the years.  I strongly suspect that people who rely on Medishare are required to pay for services out-of-pocket and then request reimbursement from their Jesus-Endorsed Pastor Says So not-Insurance's automated menu.  

Here's what I don't get about this woman in particular.  If she really cares about "Christian Values," why is she trying to teach her audience about anything?  I'm a male; I should not be taking instruction from this or any other woman.  Why isn't her husband doing the talking here?  He needs to apply the rod while the rest of us begin to gather up stones.  It's Biblical, after all. 

It's Elvis Week at Graceland. I do not understand.

 

That's the actual tagline of the radio commercials- "It's Elvis week at Graceland!"

1.  Isn't this like scheduling Red Sox Week at Fenway Park or Pope Week in Vatican City?  Does McDonald's have a Hamburger Week?  Does Hersheypark have a Chocolate Week?  I mean, what the hell?

2.  What are the other 51 weeks at Graceland about if they aren't about Elvis?  Are other Rock 'n Roll Stars celebrated in those weeks?  What exactly is going on here?

Golden Corral has stopped trying to sell itself as a Restaurant....

 

I mean, there's no indication that food is in any way involved in what I just saw.  

This creepy adolescent member of this creepy family is literally playing with whatever he chose from America's Favorite Grease Trough.  Oh wait a minute, he's not even playing with one of HIS selections- he took a piece of pig fat from dad's plate and is using it to perform some kind of....um...."magic" trick.  I know it's supposed to be a magic trick because Awful Enabling Mom says it is. 

Maybe that baby back rib is on the floor.  It's probably on the floor.  It's wasteful and stupid to treat calories like this, but the kid doesn't care and the parents don't care and probably the staff that reloads the Feed Bins don't care either because they stopped caring about anything a long time ago (it's a necessary defense mechanism for anyone who works at Golden Corral, America's Favorite WTF-Ever.)

Downy, Please Stop the Unstoppable.

 

1.  I don't know what the guy in this ad does for a living, but he makes a very good salary because flight attendants don't make much and come on, look at that house.  Are they just Friends with Benefits?  Then why is he washing her clothes?  Is that one of the benefits?

2.  Let's pretend this is her house.  She can afford a suburban palace, but she has only one work shirt?  Aren't those provided by the airlines anyway?  Stewards can have painfully long shifts; I would be surprised if they didn't carry spare shirts ON THE PLANE in case of emergencies.  But she's panicking because she has to wear yesterday's shirt again?

3.  If the shirt is still clean because it was washed in Downy, why didn't she have this reaction to its smell the FIRST time she wore it?  Does it smell BETTER after an entire day's wearing than when it first comes out of the dryer?  What the hell is going on here?

4.  In an age where people are getting fired for making Tiktoks while being inappropriate while on the job, I'm not sure what she does next lands very well.  Girl, what the hell are you doing? When you wear that shirt, you represent the people who sign your paychecks.  Can you try to remember this before you act like you're making an OnlyFans at your place of employment?

What has become of my society???

Another look at this Ethos Life Commercial

 

The commenters on this ad get it right, especially the one that suggests the guy should NOT drink that coffee before checking it for arsenic.  I'd go one better and have a mechanic come over to check the breaks on his car, too, because this woman is a Black Widow in the making.

Her "horrible dream" doesn't involve being left without a husband and her child being left without a dad.  It's them being left without enough money to maintain the lifestyle he provides.  It was a "nightmare" because dad's unbelievable selfishness in getting himself killed in a car accident before signing up for life insurance left her actually having to go back into the work force to pay for all the stuff he currently pays for.  Did she wake up upset about losing her husband?  No, she woke up upset about the sudden upending of her financial situation. 

Fortunately, Dad is pretty clueless and not really listening- or has become numb or really good at filtering what his scheming, gold-digging, Machiavellian wife says to him, and quickly buys into the idea that he should buy a lot of life insurance.*  Why a relatively young, apparently healthy man would buy from a company that offers insurance without any medical examination I can't explain; it's pretty much the same as a person with an 800 credit score, money in the bank and credit cards getting his tv and furniture from Rent-A-Center, but whatever.  Dad now knows that his wife will sleep peacefully at night, knowing that if he's in a terrible accident- the brakes fail, or he falls down a well with no witnesses around, or he mistakes mysteriously tasteless rat poison for creamer, there are so many ways a person can Accidentally Die which do not violate the conditions of a life insurance policy, after all- his wife and kid can continue to live in that big house and drive the Lexus SUV he got them for Christmas last year and not worry about bills.  If they need physical labor done around the house, Ralph the neighbor across the way whose wife died in a tragic taco-eating accident last year is always available to help out, he's so friendly and nice and come to think of it, he works for Ethos Life man it's a small world. 

Hyundai's stupid "Getaway" Commercials

 

If you find yourself driving away from a dealership in a new car worried that you've somehow pulled a fast one on that dealership that will get you in trouble with the law, I have some news for you:

1.  The salesman played you like a fiddle and you haven't read the fine print.

2.  You are an absolute moron who probably thinks that scratch off tickets and online gambling are good, affordable fun.

3.  (closely associated with #1,) you have no idea how much you paid compared to how much that Rapidly Depreciating non-Asset is actually worth.

4.  The most charitable thing I can say about you is that you are an actor in a Hyundai Commercial and you are being paid to pretend to be ridiculously enthusiastic about your purchase of a freaking Hyundai.

And if you AREN'T an actor in a Hyundai Commercial, well....I really don't know what else to tell you except, no, you have not Beaten the House at the dealership.  Knowing nothing about the "deal" you made, I know with absolute certainty that you paid too much, not too little, and the dealership is not wondering how on Earth you got the better of them because that did not happen and has never happened in the history of Anything.  You don't have to hide out anywhere.  Nobody is coming after you.  That won't happen until you fail to make payments at some point in the next 72 months of the contract and the repo man is hunting for that Hyundai at the behest of the dealership or the bank.  THEN you'll be needing the use of your mom's garage to hide it.  Moron.

Colonial Penn Death Insurance: The Scam that Keeps on Scamming

 

"Hi, I'm Alex Trebek, and I wasn't satisfied with being a world-famous multi-millionaire cultural icon as a Senior Citizen.  I decided to adopt the philosophy 'there's no such thing as enough money' and decided to sign on with Colonial Penn to scam Senior Citizens afraid of burdening their loved ones with burial costs into parting with some of their fixed income and buy nonsense garbage 'life insurance.'"

Now that Trebek is dead, his grift has been taken over by other aging celebrities who are trusted faces to the television-addicted, mostly lower-middle-class Over-65 crowd.  These cretins show up hundreds of times a day in cheap commercials mainly broadcast during the daylight hours when only Seniors and small children are watching to stoke the fires of anxiety among the elderly who for some reason are concerned about what happens when they die and the kids who never visit get stuck with a bill.  Maybe they are afraid that their ridiculously expensive, selfish burial requests won't be honored and the kids will cremate them or the very most pay for a less-pompous Memorial to their Mediocre Lives than the elderly person asked for, as if it matters one tinker's damn what the stone above the corpse box looks like.  

So the elderly person who regularly complains that their Social Security payments are too low decides to splurge on $9.95 a month to buy Colonial Penn Life Insurance.  This will teach the kids to stop complaining about the weekly scratch-off purchase, as it's an even worse investment than the lottery.  $9.95 buys one "Unit" of insurance, which if purchased at the age of 50 (and NOBODY buys Colonial Penn life insurance at the age of fifty, come on) will pay off a whopping $1600 when the idiot passes away.  Just about covering the cost of the cold cuts, soft drinks and coffee served at the Wake.

Maybe.  That's assuming that Colonial Penn even pays out before the funeral and burial.  Chances are excellent that you'll still be filling out forms and calling automated voice menus long after grandma has been placed under her Very Disappointing Dead Person Buried Here Sign Made out of Stone. If the beneficiaries followed instructions, that tiny amount of money will HELP pay the bills still coming in for the Opposite of Birthday Party.  If the beneficiaries had more common sense than consideration for the wishes of a person who is no longer here to complain and literally has no way of knowing or caring what became of their (hopefully mostly harvested) organs, the check from Colonial Penn makes a significant dent in the debt accrued by the passing of the insured. 

In the long run, the much better option is to just stick $10 a month into a regular interest-bearing account every month and skip the Colonial Penn Middlemen.  If you do this at the age of 60 and live to the age of 81 like the average American Woman (and these commercials heavily target women,) you'll have over $2500 to leave to the person you designate to handle your funeral (you know, the child you like the least.) If you opt for cremation like a sensible person, and I'll really take your "I don't want to be a burden" claims seriously. 

Tampa Bay, Webull and a Very Sad Commercial full of Cope

 

1.  There are only two possible reasons why Webull would be the Official Financial Advisors (or something, I'm not watching this again) of the Tampa Bay Rays.  First, Webull could be too small to attract sponsorship from a good ballclub. Second, all of the other teams already get financial advice from companies people outside the Tampa area have actually heard of.

2.  There's an ad running during Rays games showing every big moment celebrated by the team in it's 27-year existence.  It's about 20 seconds long.