Only in America. Sadly.

Fifteen minutes after this "great idea" business got going, the last of the Liberal White People With Too Much Money Willing To Go In For Anything Once had tried the "make your own expensive smoothie" experiment and moved on, leaving a mess sitting in an otherwise empty back alley.  The next day, no one showed up because even though yeah it was an interesting experience yesterday that doesn't mean this is something we are pretentious enough to want to do on a regular basis, especially when there are 200 smoothie places within walking distance where someone behind a counter will whip it up for us in about thirty seconds flat for a lot less money.

I'm not the kind of person who is going to shed a tear for the twat who decided to take Posing to a whole new level by starting this "business" and then discovering that the whole Pick Your Own Fruit Make Your Own Smoothie Pay Me For the Privilege thing was a bridge too far.  I'm more like the kind of person who wonders why a meteor couldn't crash into this alley during the height of the Be Seen By Your One Percenter Friends Being Ridiculously and Overbearingly 'Liberal' By Making Smoothies in the Same Freaking Alley You Passed Out In Years Ago When You Were Still Alive craze.

Why did they make this McDonald's Commercial?

Here's how how it translates:  "You like McDonald's All Day Breakfast, but you don't like that you can't get everything you want because McDonald's offers only a limited All Day Breakfast menu.  But if it was McGriddles that you wanted All Day, now you can get that- so you have to find something else to complain about.

Meanwhile, if you wanted pancakes, or biscuit sandwiches, guess what?  You still can't get those items.  But to distract you from noticing that we actually created a commercial to announce that there is exactly ONE MORE ITEM on the All Day Breakfast menu, here's twenty seconds of headache-inducing stupidity featuring very stupid people behaving in very stupid ways."

Thanks, McDonald's.  Get back to us when "All Day Breakfast" at your restaurant means what it means at Denny's and IHOP- the breakfast menu, all day.  Until then, STFU with this crap, please.

If the Pizza Hut Alien finds all this "Impressive," I don't want to visit HIS planet

"Pizza Hut makes the best pizza in the Universe, but they won't tell you that"- no, they won't.  Not even in their own commercials.  Not like they just did, using a CGI "alien."  Maybe it's because they realize that it's such an absurd claim, it can't even get past the usually infinitely gullible public.  Maybe it's because we still have Truth in Advertising laws.  Or maybe - again- it's because they actually just did try to say just that, through the use of a CGI "alien."

(Oh, and if it turns out that Pizza Hut DOES make "the best pizza in the Universe," we've been using the word "best" wrong.  And is this a commercial to slash NASA funding. because that sounds a lot like "so there's absolutely no point in continuing to explore, because this is the best we can do?)

Speaking of "best we can do," we certainly are an amazingly advanced race, so advanced that we cannot be limited in the number of places we can find to stick greasy, life-shortening cheese.  I'm pretty sure that when someone finally just cuts to the chase and introduces an all-cheese pizza (no bread at all,) that genius will be an American.

And yes, we are also a very advanced country, but not so advanced that we can find better things for fiftysomethings to do than eke out a living working at Pizza Hut.  I wouldn't let Scott near sharp objects, if you know what I mean.

Hey Lily, you're just AT&T's Flo. Get over yourself.

1.  If you sit at a table at an AT&T store, look around very carefully, because you almost certainly are not in an AT&T store and if you are, that thing in front of you is not a table and what you are sitting on is called the floor, not a chair.  AT&T stores are not food courts.  You can tell by the lack of a Starbuck's.*

2.  Never in the history of AT&T has a person in an actual AT&T store been approached by a salesperson and asked "can I help you?"  In real life, what happens is this- you walk into the store and push your way past the crowd of idiots who already have perfectly good phones but know that something newer and shinier is now available to get in front of a keyboard and computer screen, where you can type your name in and see yourself on a list of people who will be spending the next hour or so in the store waiting for one of the three employees to sell you something you don't need, along with a data plan you don't need, all included in a 3-year contract you can't afford but that you'll sign because you've spent more than an hour of your life in the store and you would rather walk out broke than empty-handed.

3.  The guy in this ad not only already has a phone with Siri, but he uses it while in the store to get information about the latest sales- he couldn't do this before he showed up in the store (you know, like a non-lunatic.)  Had he done so, he would have walked right up to that computer sign-in station like all of the other drones who know what they want but are still going to have to wait forever for one of the three employees to sell it to them.  Does the guy here look like he needs a new phone?  Nah- but AT&T doesn't sell phones to people who need them.  AT&T sells phones to people who bought phones last year but need to upgrade constantly in order to compensate for the fact that absolutely nothing of any value is going on in their lives.  Lily to the rescue!

Another stupid GEICO Ad? Not Surprising at all

This bit "works" because none of the weird suburban white people who walk past this lemonade stand think that the black guy in the lawn chair is capable of speaking for himself, so they treat him like an ornament and instead ask the two little girls who he is.  Which makes the commercial "funny," you see, because he's a performer who decided to change his name to Ice-T.  Get it?  Me too.  Think it's actually funny?  Me neither.

Now that we aren't amused, let's move on to depressed and read the YouTube comments.  This is a very, very sad country filled with very, very stupid people.

Two points about this stupid AT&T Commercial

1.  Hey, stupid woman standing there looking mortified as your boyfriend/husband manchild stands there making a total ass of himself in public for the 2000th time- nobody tazered and tagged you into this relationship.  If you think you can do better, get that gobsmacked look off your face and walk away.  There are worse things that being lonely for awhile- like being with this jagoff, for instance.  But if you aren't going to walk away, then sorry, I'm not buying the mortified look.  This is what you were willing to settle for because the world is too dark and scary to be without a maaaaannnnnn, even a little boy like this one.

2.  It was almost cruel for AT&T this shapeless Poster Girl for the Word Plain actress to play the role of Gobsmacked Mortified Girlfriend/Wife and then have her pose motionlessly next to Lily the Cute AT&T girl, wasn't it?  I mean, this is just sad.  I wouldn't blame the guy for forgetting his significant other is even in the same room- but I sure as hell hope his "wrangling" act isn't an attempt to impress Lily, because that's even sadder.

"The Future," according to Taco Bell.....

...sure isn't very inviting or attractive.  In fact, it's basically imagining a world in which twentysomethings gorge themselves on carbs, cheese, meat and grease while sitting on their expanding butts using virtual reality glasses to pretend to be doing something cool as their arteries harden and life passes by right in front of them (but completely invisible, because of those virtual reality glasses.)

Well, at least the crap they'll be killing themselves with will come in cheap package deals.  That's something, because they really will need to save their money for the diabetes medications and heart surgeries.  Pardon me if I don't shed a tear in advance for these loathsome slobs.