Subaru's Stupid "Dog Approved" Commercial....

 

...and the even worse people who enjoy it (I mean, take a quick look at the comments.  How predictable can you get?  "My dog loves this ad," "This commercial reminds me of my dog," "my dog reacts to this ad and goes to check her own puppies," and on and on and on.  Hand me a freaking barf bag.)

This is just super-cheap, super-manipulative Twee on a Stick.  No actors are needed, so that saves money.  Just put three dogs in a freaking car and run a camera for a few seconds and add music and images and there you are- a group of innocent, clueless animals have been used to sell a car-- by highlighting a ridiculously mundane feature.   You can strap your kid into a car seat in the back of a 2004 Honda Civic, strap an iPad to the back of the passenger seat, and accomplish the same thing.  You don't have to buy an overpriced Subaru for chrissakes.  

And if this car is "Dog Approved," dogs should feel free to buy it.  I mean, I was already sick of getting the opinions of babies and young children when it came to the purchase of a non-asset that depreciates in value the moment it leaves the lot and is a savage money vampire for as long as one owns it.  I do NOT care if "dogs approve" of Subarus because NO DOG HAS EVER PURCHASED A SUBARU AND NO DOG EVER WILL, and if I ever buy a Subaru NO DOG WILL EVER HELP ME MAKE THE PAYMENTS.  

Fabletics, Planet Fitness, and an Unwanted Birthday "present"

 

So this morning I got this email from Planet Fitness: In "honor" of my birthday, here's a chance to pick up an overpriced pair of shorts from Fabletics for $10 instead of the Normal, Perfectly Sane price of $75.  Remember, this is for a pair of shorts.

I can smell a scam from a mile away, but I go ahead and check out the "offer."  Yep, I can pick out a pair of $75 shorts for only $10- but wait, there doesn't seem to be any limit to how many pairs I can order at that price.  I put two random pairs into a virtual basket, check the total and- yep, it comes to $20 plus $6.95 shipping.  Wow, $150 "worth" of shorts for $26.95, that doesn't seem sketchy at all.

I really want to see where the catch is so I go ahead and go to Billing- and there it is, in fine print you could easily miss (though admittedly does include a box you must click) under Terms and Conditions- you know, that thing people usually just skip over and DON'T read.  Clicking the agreement signs you up to some kind of "club" that gives you "access" to regular 80 percent discounts on fitness swag.  Once I join up, I'll have regular opportunities to buy reasonably-priced shorts, shirts, etc. that looks like a huge bargain because of the inflated, I-Bet-Nobody-Actually-Buys-It-At-These-prices.  

The "membership" costs $59.95 a month.  No kidding.  Sixty bucks a month to have the opportunity to buy shorts and tees at a discount.  Oh, but you can "skip" as many months as you want, as long as you go to the website, find the "skip" option, and click it before the 5th day of the month.  Every month.  Which means that there are a LOT of people out there who regularly forget to skip months and find themselves spending sixty bucks accidentally, no doubt encouraging them to go ahead and buy something at a discount so that it's not a total loss.  

Yeah, hard pass, Planet Fitness.  I don't care if you've partnered with Fabletics; my idea of a "birthday gift" is not to get locked into some ridiculous Buyer's Club.  I have enough shorts, I have enough tees, but I don't have enough money to throw it away on this nonsense.  I do have enough sense to read the fine print, though.  Sorry not Sorry.

Golden Nugget and the "Ultimate Casino Experience" Celebration of Addiction

 

When you buy into the idea that the "Ultimate Casino Experience" involves staring at your phone in the dark as you play virtual video games and bet on sports, you have a very serious problem and you need professional help.

I thought the "Ultimate Casino Experience" might involve flying to Vegas, getting a room at a 4-star hotel, and having fun playing some blackjack and taking in a show.  I didn't know it looked a lot like being a dateless addicted loser as obsessed with staring at your phone as any preteen at the mall, at the park, or....well, anywhere, actually.

Showing a bunch of people crowded around the phone or tablet doesn't convince me that online gambling is a social exercise, sorry.  Gambling is a life-ruining addiction more pervasive in 2025 than meth or crack and if it hasn't overtaken alcohol it probably soon will considering how every sporting event is working overtime to get us hooked.  I can't remember the last time I saw a baseball, football or basketball schedule that did not include betting lines, or the last time I watched a pregame or postgame show that was not sponsored by an online gambling company.  I don't think it was more than a decade ago, but it feels like forever. 

Earnin a trip to the poorhouse

 

Remember those old H&R Block Commercials for what were deceptively referred to as "Rapid Refunds?"  You know, where the tax preparer would give you a loan based on your expected tax return and you'd walk out of the office convinced that you'd made a good deal because you "got your money early?  Because you're an idiot who didn't realize that you'd just handed over part of your refund to the tax preparer along with his fee?

Notice all those places offering Payday Loans?  You know, where poor people go to borrow money at outrageous interest rates in order to tide them over until payday, pretty much assuring that they'll stay in debt permanently?  It's basically my Exhibit A for every "it's expensive to be poor" lecture I give.  

Well, it's the 21st century so now we've got Earnin, an app that seems to allow you to access your money as you earn it but which actually just fronts you money in exchange for a small fee tip.  Because budgeting and living within your means and not spending money as it comes in is such a Boomer thing to do.  

What you're not supposed to notice is that you are paying for the "convenience" of having money ahead of payday.  This is absolutely NO different from Rapid Refunds or Payday Loans.  It's just wrapped in an attractive package promising "freedom" and conning you into thinking you're just getting YOUR money as YOU earn it.  It's the opposite of Responsible and the epitome of Stupid.  Which is why it's so popular in this Very Stupid Country. 

By the way, I don't think that these "services" are "preying" on anybody.  Using them is a choice, and I'm not paternalistic enough to think that people should be shielded from making stupid choices.  I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my money, so I have no desire to tell people what to do with theirs.  I just don't want to hear the inevitable whining when this all comes crashing down.  Made, Bed, Lie and all that.  I mean, I AM a Boomer, after all.

That Volkswagen Tiguan "Director" Commercial. Um, what?

 

1.  This guy just plows through a lawn I guess, jumps out and announces "I'm the director."  I guess he's late?  I guess there are no parking lots here?

2.  Wait, he's not a director, he just has a small part in a movie about soccer?  He's playing a referee who doesn't know anything about the sport, but he has at least one line he can't get right on the first take?  I'm sorry but what the hell is going on here?

3.  The actual director doesn't care because he's too busy drooling over the guy's Volkswagen.  Personally, I'd be more interested in why this nobody parked his car there, but this is a commercial for Volkswagen so of course the focus is on the allegedly awesome, allegedly expensive-looking car.  Thing is, nobody in the history of anything has ever been this impressed by a freaking Volkswagen, so this ad fails again.

4.  "How much are we paying this guy" to show up late and flub a line?  Um, too much.  But we are supposed to believe that we hear the line because the Volkswagen looks like a luxury car that must carry a luxury price tag.  Dude, it's a Volkswagen.  I looked it up- apparently it's named "Tiguan" because that's a combination of the German words for leopard and iguana.  I hope that's true, because the only thing that can make this commercial more unintentionally funny is the idea that a group of people in an office building in Berlin called it a day after coming up with this.  There's not giving a f--k, and then there's "let's just combine leopard and iguana, we aren't curing cancer here."

Medishare- because being a moron with your health is very Christian

 

There is little on TV or radio more cringe than commercials for MediShare, the "Christian Community" that claims to offer "Biblically-based" (gag) "help" in paying medical bills.  

There is so much of this that just reeks of Cult thinking and hatred of the "outsider."  Medishare's "community" consists of people who apparently think that there's something un-Biblical about actual health insurance (do they feel the same way about car insurance?  Are they literally "Jesus take the wheel" types?)  No doubt they shy away from insurance because they don't want to participate in a system that may pay for certain procedures they find offensive- you know, the ones that involve Evil Evil very non-Biblical Family Planning.  So we have this blonde woman who sounds like her head is full of cotton candy and mythology bleating about how Medishare helps her and her family avoid the risk of funding medical care they disapprove of by pooling their cash into a very exclusive fund for Like-Minded Bigots who also bleat "Christian Values" and "Biblical" with sing-song voices and empty smiles.

I'd also like to know what hospitals and doctor's offices think of Medishare.  I've never seen it listed among the actual insurance companies that work with the dentists, doctors, and physical therapists I've dealt with over the years.  I strongly suspect that people who rely on Medishare are required to pay for services out-of-pocket and then request reimbursement from their Jesus-Endorsed Pastor Says So not-Insurance's automated menu.  

Here's what I don't get about this woman in particular.  If she really cares about "Christian Values," why is she trying to teach her audience about anything?  I'm a male; I should not be taking instruction from this or any other woman.  Why isn't her husband doing the talking here?  He needs to apply the rod while the rest of us begin to gather up stones.  It's Biblical, after all. 

It's Elvis Week at Graceland. I do not understand.

 

That's the actual tagline of the radio commercials- "It's Elvis week at Graceland!"

1.  Isn't this like scheduling Red Sox Week at Fenway Park or Pope Week in Vatican City?  Does McDonald's have a Hamburger Week?  Does Hersheypark have a Chocolate Week?  I mean, what the hell?

2.  What are the other 51 weeks at Graceland about if they aren't about Elvis?  Are other Rock 'n Roll Stars celebrated in those weeks?  What exactly is going on here?